WHY COMEDIAN JUMPS INTO CROWD Full Crowd Work Show 32 minutes Michael Blaustein

They shouldn't have gave me a wireless mic, bro! This is cool as ----! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Goddamn patrolling. Oh jeez, he don't give a ****. Okay. Anybody ever been arrested? That ************ raised his hand quick as ----. I can't see nothing. Okay. Can you tell me how you got arrested? We accidentally broke down our house. Math. Okay. Jingle jangles, man. I like the ******* jingle jangles. That's cool as ----, man. It looks like you got a lot of necklaces. What's your favorite necklace? Excuse me? My mom passed away. My mom. Your mom passed away. Those are your moms. Why are you bringing the show down so fast? Lie to me, baby boy! Those are your mom's jingle jangles? That's very cute. What's your name? Orofino. Orofino? What? Are you from the Jungle Book? What the **** are you? The bare necessities. Makes you made of Mercedes. My mom passed away. Down! It's nice to meet you. It's ******* cool, man. Do you know anybody in this row? Who's this? Man, even when you move your ******* jingle jangles, that's so... You can't really hear him. He's like... Who is this to you? My partner. Your partner? **** yeah. You guys cops? Hell yeah. Detective Dick. I like that ----. I like that. You came too fast. I like that ----. That's cool, man. How long you been gay for, bro? Huh? 54 years. Are you 54? **** yeah. That's cool as ----. You came out the pussy gay as ****. I like that. Good for you. I like that. You know exactly who you are, man. When did you come out of the closet? What is your name again? I forget, man. What is it? Ratatouille? Ratatouille. What is it? No disrespect, but there's a lot of ---- happening in your name. I love it so much, but there's a lot of *******... What is it? Orofino. Oh, ----. It sounds like STD. Orofino. I'm sorry, baby. I got Orofino. Okay, sorry. Orofino. Is that what it is? Italian. Oh, Italian. No, no. I said Orofino. Is that what he said? Orofino. Eat my ass. Orofino. I don't know what that means, but it was fun to do. Okay, Orofino. I'm sorry. I asked you a question, brother. So, when did you come out of the closet, man? 27. Oh, you were 27 when you came out of the closet? How good did that feel? Very good. That felt ******* good. So, you were just hiding in the closet for 27 years, fingering dudes on the low. Funny to me. Did you have like a secret boyfriend when you were 27? No? You just knew it was inside. Did you investigate? So, you knew you were gay. You just didn't tell nobody. Took a while. Excuse me? Took a while. Took a while to tell people, but you knew inside that you like Pippi, but you didn't voice it. You didn't voice it. You didn't let people know you like Pippi, but inside you were like, I like Pippi. Okay, that's cool. So, did you have any secret boyfriends, or you didn't investigate that until you came out of the closet? Until I came out. Oh, you didn't do no Pippi sucking until you came out? Oh, ----. Did you dabble with that disgusting vagina? No. So, no vagina, no Pippi at 27. Jesus Christ, you were full of the **** up, huh? You were ******* walking around balls on the ******* ground. Man, necessity. Jesus Christ. Someone jack my jungle book, please. So, you were a virgin at 27? Holy ----. And when you came out of the closet, were you just offering your ass up? Oh, you're a diva, so you're very, very picky. I can tell by the jingle jangles, jingle jangles. Make a diva. Someone come up to you. I like your ass. Shut up. I like that. That's great. I like that. Okay. So, you're very lucky because he's picky. So, you must have a knife. Are you a top or a bottom, brother? Oh, verses. **** yeah. Verses as well? Yeah, verses. Okay, cool, man. That's good. What the **** was that? Hey, balcony. Some girl just goes, oh, yeah. Okay, that's really cool, man, but you're very picky, okay? How old were you when you had your first boyfriend, sir? 28. Took you one year to find the right ass for that. I like goody. Great. Huh? He was from England. He was from England? Okay. You'll bring him over here. Did you live here your whole life? Under what? Okay, great. Okay. And what's your name, brother? Steve. Steve? What the ****? Nortondo and Steve? That's *******, we have a Roso Sosanos and Steve. What the **** type of mayonnaise name do you have? Steve, where you from, sir? You from Ottawa? I guess. You from Ottawa? How old were you when you came out, dude? Bit older. Probably 30. Bit older. 30. Okay. So, did you finger dudes on the low? No? Okay. Did you mess around with, would you mess around with Vjejes? No Vjejes and you never got, so you were full of two? 30 years old full of? Never had no sex? Nothing? Oh, just a bunch of, just a bunch of that? Hell yeah. Get that out, Steve. All right. Good for you, Steven. I'm just *******, it's in my brain now. That's awesome, man. Okay. And how long have you guys been partners for? 20 years. 20 years? Oh, Jesus, that's a long motherfucking time. Do you guys bring anybody else in or just close down only my business? What's your favorite part of about being gay Steve You don't know You just let you just everything you like it. Just everything about it. You like it. Okay, what's your a run down though? What's your what the **** is your name? What is it order Fino that name is that's gay Bitch you so dude, you're so ******* handsome and bitch. You're so good. But order the Fino you can't be like hey, what's up, baby? Let me get them. What's your name? Or a female like you can't But I like the orphan is a beautiful name man, what's your favorite part about being gay dude freedom freedom. Yeah Covered up for that ----. I love that Awesome, dude. God, they must be so good. They're so good me at 27. Come on that closet Dude if I liked it, I would be a ******* Make news come look at it split I don't know man. I don't know. That's awesome. Are you guys gonna get married to just be partners? You know, is did you guys like have that conversation? You know, you guys don't wanna you did okay You you what? You guys don't live together What You guys been together for 20 motherfucking years. You don't live together Five minutes away. Okay, so you can get your separation good great. Awesome. Awesome And you guys have ever been in a fight and any fights zero fights 20 years God, I wish I was gay No fights 20 years No, not like I believe that I believe that I believe that cuz they got they can fight for real so that's That's why That's awesome, man, you got you guys together in front you guys together that's beautiful how long how long to two months Okay, so that's that's new as ****. That's super duper cute. You guys probably still in butterfly kiss. Good morning Oh my god, you're my moon and my stars I made you eggs benedict. I already made I woke up at 4 a.m. And I made it it's in the oven Just it's in the oven. God. I love you. I love you No fight said no fights yet zero fights. Okay, how long you been with Robo foot? That's your dad sorry I don't know Become a Tesla robot. I wish you guys could ******* see this. Can you can you stand? No, he probably can't stand up Hold up turn it turn this turn it turn us on turn it turn us on turn us on turn us on turn us on Turn this on turn us on is it on? Okay, my bad. I can't Yo, what the ****? No, it's moving Well, if you ever get lonely you could just remove bluetooth No, you can kick your own ass dog That's so funny. Oh, it's moving bro What what is it? Is it connected to your brain stem or something? Why is it alive? Oh It's a I What do you mean are you kidding me? Hey make me a double espresso Make me a double man. Hold up. Let me call a mom Wow stop moving I'm gonna break this ---- But how long can you can you walk me do it? How can make what do you would I got thousand questions man? Why is it what or if you know, I'm sorry I move this is more interesting what Sorry, your story is very spiritual and I'm so happy that you're honest and you're your truth for self but this ************ is in a Will Smith movie, so This is a Will Smith movie So, okay, let's let's let's take a big big step back. All right Okay, so Shark accident What gravity one a gravity one, holy Toledo, did you fall out of an airplane? Did you jump off the trampoline? You fall off a transport truck. Oh, no. Why did you jump off? The chain let go or no, what do you mean the chain doesn't let go? What do you mean? Did you unhook yourself? You're like I hate my family Oh No, and then and then the transport truck So you're on a road and you just like freak freak freak on the road like a motherfuckin cartoon character Huh? What it was part. It was part You got flimsy as **** legs Lost a leg of a parked car Okay, it was part how big is the transport truck seven feet in the air seven feet in the air not tall enough to lose a leg sir Just one leg, I'm so sorry say one time I fell on my right leg locked straight and the other leg was still up in the air. So everything shattered Damn that was the sensation first time you got your ass Don't say your name like this that's funnest Wow, okay, so you lost leg man, how old were you lost your leg, sir? 4343 damn man So you walk you walk from brisk for 43 years and then how long did it take you to get used to the motherboard leg? Really right away. Oh, you're good. Okay, that's fun. Does this can you um, what's your 40? You can swim with it. Are you fast? Are you fast? Oh no, hold on shut up this mother. This is waterproof. Shut up. Oh My god, this is waterproof. Oh, hey. Hey, sorry. What's your name, bro? Here? What Pierre? I thought you say care I was like that shouldn't be your name Okay, I'm sorry, uh Pierre yeah, that's a French ass motherfucking name this whole road this is and this is ******* okay, okay My bad for the French. I took that ---- eight years. I don't know motherfucking thing. Okay? I know you're a beat Los Angeles and on don't talk cat. Thanks. He said we'd love and Oh, what are you doing over there? Okay Okay, where was on the question? So you 43 you lost your leg and then and then now what do you what do you do? I do still work at the transport truck You volunteer to educate kids not to fall off a truck That's beautiful, man That's beautiful Pierre man. Okay, this is interesting. Can I ask you a moment? This is I know everyone ashes, but I need to know this. Can you run faster with this? You ran earlier Oh, you were just you were just like one Okay Wow, that's so cool. This is so cool. And can you walk me through what the AI means? Like does it just know it basically learns my piece of walking. So if I walk fast, I'll start walking right if I go slow Right, if I ******* try to get around with it and I go backwards, okay Yeah, it still goes for it. Okay. Okay, and that's your daughter and that's your daughter. Okay, daughter. Close your Closure ears Like all the time Low battery low battery It's a 48-hour. Oh your mouth 48 hours Wow, this is cool That's all for that's most fun man, thank you so much, bro So nice to meet you Pierre They shouldn't have gave me a wireless mic, bro They don't look at it. Look and Kendall hair pink pink pink. I like it. This is cool Damn patrolling. Oh You don't give a ****. Okay You turn it quickly. He didn't give a ****. That was crazy. Oh, he's not protect me. This is okay. Yeah, please Don't make me make fun of you. Okay How are you? Oh Wow, your voice is crazy No, it's beautiful. But I was like, hey, how are you like? Like that's awesome. I like it. No disrespect. You sound like a motherfucking cartoon character if I like it so much and what is your name? Ma'am, I'm Haley Haley. Hello. I'm Michael. So nice to meet you. Who is this to your right? This is my partner partner. What the **** man? She's gonna take your ---- Oh, here's your fiance, that's ******* beautiful man. Congratulations. And when did you fiance? Seven years of fiance Your leg broke like his you can't Okay, how come back I'm the delay brother how come the delay no delay I'm just kidding man. Listen, it's your world. You're a ************. You guys are a partnership. You do whatever them ******* one Okay, do you want to get you want to take it to the next level? Oh, we got kids in a house. You guys got kids in a house That's why you got to just stay gay. Look at this They got 19 kids 16 houses and he's like man, I think we're just friends kind of Cool just kidding man. What's your name, sir? What grant grant man? Great. So nice to meet you, man. Thank you so much for come bro. You have any hobbies grant You got go, okay, you're gonna go Hey, man, can you take your leg off? No, not not right now. I'm saying can you take your leg off and I hit the golf ball the forest? Turn on turbo mode Okay, my bad, dude, I have ADD this is so bad for me to do this Crazy right now. Oh my god, dude. Someone's getting their dick something. Oh, sorry. That was too much. I'm sorry It is a **** dude. I feel like I feel like a dog. They never got off the leash before Nice to meet you cam is this it who's this you left you say partner. I'll kill myself Your cousin, oh man, that's awesome. Do you have a significant other ma'am? You do? Okay, how long y'all been for who is it what's the name Courtney I was gonna guess that Balcony I wish you could see And cam are you No single **** yeah, that's not what I was asking but yeah, all right Okay, okay you said you are single yes, okay. What's the last what's the last day you on did it go good? Oh god, it's been a while. Oh, it's been a while. Oh ----. You got cobwebs in the Answer me So when the last date you do do you remember oh, no, oh you don't remember for real at least five years five Years Why why how come why are you busy busy, I guess so Are you are you on the on you on the apps on the apps? Okay, which apps are you on I think they're broken Which apps are you on I feel like maybe you got a change of pictures Maybe just full Maybe maybe taking his leg and put it on one of the tips. I got a robo Suck my USB. Sorry. Sorry. No disrespect Nice talking to you, but listen, okay, what's your type of guy? Can I ask you that? Oh god Any dude Clearly joking and she's like this lonely **** This lonely bitch and you're too far away, man I can't I was gonna try to **** finagle over there, but I can't I can't do it I don't talk to a few more, huh? I can't hear we're saying Crowdsurfing no man people gonna finger me I'm gonna come back losing a leg. How you doing? You know, hold on. How you doing, brother? I don't mean you okay I'm good. Oh, man. Lovely. This is this guy's hot as ****. Is this your partner husband partner husband? Are you are you impressed how hot he is to look at this motherfucking guy? He's sexy as ----, sir Do you do what do you do for work, man? You ride horses Can you stop showing off this ************ can't walk? You're wrong you ride horses like Like horses what years in here? What do you mean? Are you like a red like a race car got race race car? We're like race racetrack guy, are you like a cowboy we jump you jump Like for your job like you get off a seabiscuit jump on the ******* like that's what you do Shut up and people pay you for that Is this a normal thing in Ottawa motherfuckers on horses like it's 1472 Oh, it's a big sport near what we're gonna do it. Have you ever tried polo? Have you tried polo? It's even faster Like hockey on horse, I know what the sport is ************ And what's your name ma'am Michelle so nice to meet you Michelle and how you guys been here for a little bit How long? Since 2010 I can't do math. What is that? That's 10. That's 10 years. Okay, beautiful. And how'd you guys meet? You guys are very very nice together You read on a horse What's happening? He's the whitest couple I've ever met in my life You guys have any kids let me guess horses How old are they man Twelve and eight. Okay, do they know what they want to do when they grow up? You don't know. Okay, what's your favorite position before I move on? Let me guess reverse cowgirl Sorry, I don't know I don't know what that was What are you Security guard You gotta get closer because that's a hippopotamus, bro No, you gotta get closer. This guy is too big. Yo, if you let this ************ loose, he'll eat your horses. Look at this guy Oh my lord this man. You look you got a great look and I really appreciate you as a human being I don't even think you're a human being but you're really nice. Are you from the swamps? Where are you from? What is your what is your name like for some cool Ren oh, you know what? You know what lady? You're right, you're right you said make them stand up cuz now everybody can see the last time I did this we had a big Ass screen everybody can see you're right. Hey, excuse me. What what do you say? Your name was? Ren Change that Can you for the people because the people in a balcony trying to can you stand up so people can see you God what what? Yo, I've never been so emasculated in my life. Oh My god, that's like sitting next to a bear on two legs, man Jesus Christ, man. How big is your? Is it is it healthy healthy size ask her ask her who is that sure is that your wife If you say partner, okay Good girlfriend, that's beautiful. Yes. I'm sorry. So you say your name was Ren Renee awesome. Awesome. Okay. How big is it? Big perfect for you. What does that mean? That's awesome, okay, tell me what to stop But even cheer cuz she hasn't even said stop yet Ma'am ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. No, no, no, no, no. No, this is bigger than their horse dick About this size. Okay, when listen, listen, first of all, is this who is this to you? Okay, I thought that was your kid and I was about to freak out I'm gonna freak out man. Okay. Okay. Can I ask you one question? We'll move on We'll move on from this sophomore. **** you joke, but I need to know at what age Did you measure for the first time because I know you did because I measure I measure early And it was not good To 12 years old and wherever we're at when you were 12 The funniest **** answer Something how are you sir? You okay? Yeah. Oh great, man. So nice to meet you, man Thank you so much for coming to the show, man I've been doing this new thing the last three shows why I get a wireless mic and I go back here cuz a lot of People like man, I came to show but you didn't talk to me. But now I'm talking to ******* everyone That's what's up, so nice to meet you man. Thank you again for coming. Is this your wife? Yes, beautiful, man That's cool. And how long 18 years 18 years. How many kids you how many kids you don't know if it's good. How many? What just one one kid after 18 years damn your sperm sucks It does I took a few years and it just took a few years. Okay. Well, congratulations on that one motherfucking kid How old is the kid 11 11? Hell? Yeah. Okay. That's great, man. You have any hobbies? Not really reading reading. No wonder you can't get more kids Let's juice this man anybody anybody ever been arrested Raise his hand Raise his hand quick That motherfuckers his hand quick as I can't see nothing. Okay, what am I doing? Okay, you raise your hand. I said who got arrested before you say you did. Can you tell me how you got arrested which time? I'm sorry, daddy And she said how many how many times have you been arrested sir two times two times How are you gonna woo that? Girl okay, and how I'm so sorry man. I didn't mean to get it's okay. It's okay. Okay The boy is loose, okay What's your name dude John why are you getting hard John? Yo, if I'm sitting on a rinse lap, I'll be up here Okay, so sorry Okay, okay. You said you got arrested twice. Yeah. Okay. Can you what's the worst one? Probably the first one probably the first one. Okay, walk me through it Did I mishear this did he just say he accidentally burnt down a tiny house Actually burnt down a house. Yes. What in the meth did you just say to me? What do you mean you accidentally quote-unquote accidentally? Meth okay Whose glasses did I take my bad man took this guy's glasses for no reason. I'm so sorry Monty. I'm sorry I'm walking too ******* fast for this ----. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry How you doing, but I just saw your glasses. I'm so sorry. I like those glasses so much man. What's your name, bro? Tyler whoa Brother man, that's awesome. Is this your lady? Yes, man. How'd you lose your virginity? In high school was it good Quick I don't remember, you know, that's how quick it was, you know Okay, yeah quick I need my pants off Okay, that's awesome. Okay. You guys have any kids? Yeah I we have one together and I have one with someone else one together one with someone else. That's beautiful, man That's ******* awesome, bro. What are you doing? I do foundations foundations. Okay, great Just lay down a ---- so people can book. Okay. Well, listen when you'd laid a foundation for a house Don't tell him where it is, you know burn everything That's a beautiful goddamn look oh you got a pentagram on your ******* is great. Um, what? What yo what a when I do you know the devil personally A little bit. Okay. Are you know? Okay. I'm like, I'll be get real thing. Are you like a Wiccan? Are you a Wiccan lady? You're not a Wiccan. Okay, you're wearing the wrong motherfucking costume Okay, you got all black with a pentagram *******. Okay. Okay. What do you for work besides a vape shop or a tattoo parlor? Oh You're a French lady, dude That's cool, it's good it didn't mean to stay for a quarter later, I love that ---- so far go I like that accent Okay, that's awesome. I'm so sorry administrator. You said administrator coordinator. Okay for what? In a dental lab, oh Okay, so you help do you help with you set the person up when they're on a thing and you set them up You don't Excuse me So people come in and they go yo, I got no motherfucking teeth And you go And then you get the order and you forget to think and a guy makes it, okay How did you get it? How'd you get involved in that? I just got so many questions Because like yo, yo, how did you how did you arrive at this look? I don't want to ---- because it looks great on you. I'm not showing you look great Whatever you want to do you do but how did you arrive? How did you arrive at looking like you cast the spells? Oh since high school you got into what type of music you listen to Motion like motionless in white But man, that's my it's my favorite ----, man Hey balcony, that's my favorite ---- motionless in a white film How does it how does it go like what's the song is it cuz by the look of you it probably goes like Is it more just a dental dental dental how does it how does it go how does it go Do you know how it goes no Are you here with anybody in the room your friend where Okay, anything changing your life since we since we last spoke I stopped drinking do you stop drinking hell yeah Look a little slimmer. Yeah. No, no did like good like so Noah's and pictures all know Jack Daniels Beautiful man, okay, that's great. You got a girlfriend yet because before no girlfriend still no girlfriend because I know in the cut what? You guys a couple Her like a sister This dude's into it. Yeah, you guys know each other. That was you. Oh Dude it's so nice to see you man. Thank you so much for coming back. Clap it up for these people, please Wow, what a ******* What a ******* show so far man. Thank you guys so much for indulging me and off the mic. That ---- was fun as **** And yeah, man, this is cool. And listen, I'm gonna switch up mics and look at that The sound tech got me on ******* awesome and put this bitch back. All right, man. Here we go. Okay, this is cool Now I'm back on leash