20 Minutes of Kelsey Cook- Divorce, Dating, and the Hustler's Foosball Glove

I'm glad you guys came out. I know that everybody's had a really crazy past couple years. I had an especially crazy 2020. I actually got divorced a week before COVID hit. Yeah, so who's ready for some comedy? I just start crying. No, it's okay. I think the craziest part about getting divorced is having to change your emergency contact back to your mom. It would be less embarrassing to use a stranger from Craigslist, truly. But other than that, it went pretty smoothly. Like we still have a lot of love and respect for each other. He's also a comedian, so we didn't have a lot of assets to split up. It's not like there was a summer house and a boat. It was like, do you want the Batman Begins DVD? Who gets the good spatula? And after some time had passed, we decided that we were gonna try and be friends again. And that's always a little weird, the first time you try hanging out with an ex as a friend. When he saw me, he fist bumped me. I was like, wow, honestly, I would rather have you fist me. That would feel less physically uncomfortable than this nightmare you just put us through. Hey to that. Absolutely not. And I've had the deadly peanut allergy for most of my life. So for the eight years we were together, he had to stop eating peanut products because if he did and then kissed me, my throat could close. So when I saw him, I was like, oh, what's it like to eat peanut butter again? He goes, oh man, we should have broken up a long time ago. I don't even blame him. Have you had peanut butter? I can't compete with that. I hate that the person I'm with has to give that up. That puts way too much pressure on me to be worth the trade-off, right? Like you're gonna rob a man of Reese's for the rest of his life? Bitch, you better be pretty open-minded in the bedroom. Gonna make a man stop swallowing something delicious. Well, get ready to start swallowing something gross. You got to fill the void that Snickers left. Missionary with the lights off ain't gonna cut it anymore. So I had to learn some new moves and watch some tutorials. That's what I call porn. It's just educational for me now. I just watch with a little notepad like, oh, pretend to gag. Seems good. I do think it's easy when you get married to stop trying as hard in bed, but God, if you get divorced and you start trying to date again, it's like having to come back out of retirement. Yeah, it's like you got to start stretching, get ready to run another BJ5K. Like, no, I just did this. Somebody moved the finish line back another 10 years. Ugh, can't even see it. Do we have any married people here tonight? That was a pretty sad sound. You guys were faking it a little bit. Like, eh. Some of you just treated it like a silent auction. You were like. Just so sad. Anybody here been married for a really long time, like over 20 years? You guys are so cute. How long have you been married? 21, give it up for 21. That's a long time. Yeah, so you guys get it. If you've been working the same job for over two decades, you start to cut some corners. Right? But if it is your first week at a new blow job, you are hustling. I'm sure you dudes have figured out by now that the best blow job you ever get from us is the first blow job. Because women, we're so competitive. We know that you're about to compare us to every other one you've ever had. So we just enter the arena that night like, I will be queen. Give me that. Pull out all our tips and tricks, hurt our knees, throw our back out. We want a trophy. We will give head to get a head. But then you get married and you start to treat blow jobs like you're assembling Ikea furniture. Just skip a few steps and by the end, you're like, next time I'm hiring somebody else to do this. A little righty tighty lefty loosey, let's get the hell out of here. We gotta go to Costco. I tried to avoid the whole post-breakup identity crisis. One of my friends went through a breakup and she got this dramatic haircut afterward as a revenge move against her ex. She's like, if he sees me, he's gonna know he missed out on this whole other me. Like a guy has ever seen a haircut and been like. Never got a **** asymmetrical lob, Lisa. Bullshit. You guys never know when we change our hair, right? You're not even observant of yourselves. Before the divorce, I was cuddling with my ex and I felt like my leg had been stabbed. I looked down, his toenails look like he cut them with his teeth. They're all jagged. Like he could unlock a secret door in a haunted house. I was like, do you have a best friend with a matching jagged toenail and you put them together to make a best friend necklace? Is that what you're doing? He turned his toe into a prison shape. And I was like, what is this? He goes, just didn't notice. Oh, I sure did. When you shanked my Achilles tendon. I'm bleeding out. Cause I feel like this stuff only gets worse with you guys with age. Like we've all seen the really old men with thick tufts of raccoon hair growing out of their ears. I'm sure that guy's wife has been telling him to trim it for years and he just can't hear her. It's like yelling into a fan. It's coming right back in your face. I just sat next to a very old man on a plane recently and I had my notebook out and he leans over and goes, it's nice to see somebody riding and not on their phone. And I was like, aw, he doesn't know I'm riding. Joke's about come. I was like, oh, suddenly Candy Crush doesn't seem so bad, huh Wendell? When I booped him, booped him on the nose. Love that Wendell. Does feel a little weird to start over now in my thirties, but at least I know now what I like and don't like in a relationship. For example, I don't care how hot you are. I'm still never gonna eat your ass. Not a fan of the devil's chocolate. No thank you. And I'm fair about it. I don't ask anybody to eat mine either, okay? There's no need. Women have a lot of holes down there. It's like a mini golf course. Just skip the one that's in a lagoon. Don't even look at it. I have never wanted to do that to one of you guys. Most of you dudes have real blue collar assholes. Not a lot of maintenance going on back there. That thing works at Lowe's. I don't trust it. It's like blindly sticking your face between two couch cushions. It's just goldfish crackers and part of a broken Christmas ornament. It's a choking hazard, frankly. I'm not gonna swallow a paperclip so you can come a new way. And that is the joke I wrote next to Wendell on the plane. So I just saw something online that burned my eyes. I just found out that I'm on WikiFeet. Does anybody here know what WikiFeet is? A few of you nodding. A lot of dudes that are like, don't make eye contact with me right now. If you don't know what WikiFeet is, it's a website for people with foot fetishes. So women, if you post a photo on Instagram that shows your little tootsies, the foot folks might do a copy and paste onto WikiFeet and then zoom in on your toes and make their keyboard sticky. I know. It's like scrapbooking for men who need Jesus. It's a nice hobby. I know that sounds like I'm king shaming. I'm really not trying to. Honestly, I am so jealous that some people can get off from that. Like, I wish I could just stare at a dude's hairy kneecap and get tingles in my basement. What a life. I would live on WikiKnees. Oh, I would get nothing done. So much harder than that. So somebody told me that there's this profile of me on WikiFeet and at first when I heard that, I was like, oh, does that mean I have hot feet? I'm so flattered. Then I went and looked. I saw that the foot fetish community has rated my feet only 2.3 out of five stars, which they call okay feet. I was like, oh, apparently I have Applebee's feet. It's like, you'll put it in your mouth, but you won't tell anybody about it. Kind of a two for Tuesday deal. And a few months before the pandemic hit, some dude slid into my DMs and just said, two grand for foot vid. Now, Denver, make some noise if you would send a video of your feet to a stranger for $2,000. Godless animals, all of you. My ears, Jesus. Some of you just throw your areola up on Facebook for $1. Aunts and uncles seeing it, you don't give a ----. You're like, Venmo me my dollar, Aunt Sherry. I earned this. This is a solid nip. Well, I appreciate your honesty. I wasn't quite as sure about it as all of you were. I was like, I don't know this guy. He's gonna have a video of my feet for the rest of his life. It's too weird. I'm not doing it. But then COVID hit. And I lost all my comedy work. So two days later, I wrote him back. I got desperate so fast. I was like, all right, man. Two grand for my feet. I'm ready. Let's do it. And he never responded. I got ghosted by the foot guy. Do you know how humiliating it feels to lower your morals and your values only to have a foot guy be like, nah, I'm good now. You're like, what? What happened? It's like the smelly kid coming up to you at prom and you're like, all right, fine. One dance. And he's like, I was just gonna ask you where the bathroom is. You're like, **** you, Travis. Get out of here. Just trying to be nice. I love my mom so much. She's amazing. But she's been trying to give me career advice and none of it's helpful. She doesn't understand that there are different levels of fame in comedy. She thinks that all comics are best friends. She'll be like, why don't you call Jerry Seinfeld and ask to do comedians in cars getting coffee? I'm like, mom, I can't even get a guy to jerk off to my feet. Let's lower expectations. Like this is where my career is at. I have a foosball web series on YouTube, okay? I'm like here. When my mom heard that, she goes, you know who I bet would love to do your YouTube show? Ellen DeGeneres. I was like, oh, you bet, huh? Well, let's put some money on it because I bet she ******* wouldn't. If I win, you have to let me back on your cell phone plan. She's always trying to find ways to get me on television. Like when she heard I was getting divorced, she sent me a text that said, now that you're single, you can go on The Bachelor or Miss America. I was like, yeah, because marriage is what was holding me back from becoming Miss America. Pretty sure part of the qualifications include hasn't been paid in Jell-O shots to tell dick jokes. So I don't think I'm getting in. I was talking about the foosball web series. So my entire family and I are actually world champion foosball players. Thank you, thank you. I know it sounds made up. I swear it's real. My parents met playing in a professional foosball tournament in the 80s. So I literally wouldn't exist if it weren't for foosball, which is sad. But you know, some of you wouldn't exist if it weren't for boxed wine. So it's like, yeah, whatever. We're all a little garbage. Let's not judge each other. It gets weird. Not only is my dad a pro foosball player, he's also a slam poetry champion and an international yo-yo man. Yeah. My dad has the sex appeal of a fanny pack, crushing it. And my mom is in the foosball hall of fame and they've been training me to play since I was like two years old. But since no one suspects that I'm a pro foosball player, I love to hustle people, right? And so I usually play against other comedians on my web series, but we did this special episode where I went undercover in Vegas and I hustled drunk dudes on the Vegas strip. So I wore this low cut top, I talked in the worst voice and my camera crew and I would go up to groups of guys and I'd go, hi, my name's Kelsey and I have this web series where I do things that I've never done before for the first time. It's called Pop My Cherry. It's silly, you know. So I've never played foosball before and we just found this table and I was just wondering if you guys wanna play me. And every group of guys is like, hell yeah, bitch, let's go. Yeah, play right now. So I would play the first game terribly on purpose, right? I would giggle a bunch, spin the rods a lot, really build up their confidence. And then I go, okay, so I think I've got the hang of it now and this is Vegas, so we should play for money. And every guy would put their whole wallet on the table and they'd hand me the ball and go, here, you can serve first. And that's when I pull out my foosball grip glove. Checkmate, ************. Yeah, I've never done cocaine but I would assume it's a similar rush. I've only done Parmesan cheese, which, also exhilarating. A lot cheaper. So I mentioned that my ex and I, we were together for a really long time so we knew so much about each other. But one thing that he didn't know about me until toward the end, I told him that sometimes I pee in the shower. And by sometimes, I mean every time. And don't you guys act like you don't do it too. We are all swamp monsters. There is no drug in the history of time with a higher addiction rate than peeing in the shower. You think you're better than that, you think you're above doing it, and then you let yourself do it one time. And you're like, well, I guess I'm doing this every day for the rest of my life.