I Made My Wax Lady Uncomfortable _ Kelsey Cook

I had been going to salons before COVID to get bikini waxes. I had tried doing some of those like at-home kits and I just learned that there are some parts of my nethers that I do not have the strength of spirit to wax myself. Listen to me, if you can wax your own lips, you're a psychopath. That is some stevo jackass level masochism. I want no part of it. So I've been going to the salons and then the salons closed for six months and things got scary. There's so many beautiful women here tonight. I feel like a lot of women started 2020 with like a landing strip and by July it was just a full airport. You can land anywhere. There's a Cinnabon and a Panda Express. There's a shuttle that takes you to a rental car lot. I mean employees, W-9s, it's a lot going on. So finally the salons opened back up and I immediately made an appointment and I remembered there's that rule that the hair has to be at least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to be able to pick it up. And do we need a medic? Are you okay? Too much for you? She's like, it's a 7.30 show. I didn't know what this was. I don't like hockey and we had a Groupon. She's like, this is not the Christian way. I'm sorry. Oh yeah. So I remembered there's that rule that the hair has to be at least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to be able to pick it up. And I looked down and was like, well that's not going to be a problem. But for the first time in my life, I worried that maybe it's bad if the hair is longer than a quarter inch. So I called the salon. So embarrassing. I was like, hey, I have an appointment today. It's been a rough quarantine. Is there like a maximum hair requirement? And this poor girl just goes, I mean, how long are we talking? And I wasn't prepared to answer that. So I panicked and was like, we could probably donate it. No. Like, I don't know if locks of love specifies which type of hair they accept, but maybe somebody needs fake eyelashes. I don't know. We don't know where that hair comes from. I'll just throw them on and praying, but it could be pubes. I don't know. Basically, I feel like a lot of us were walking around kind of looking like the opposite of a porn star in 2020, right? Which is totally fine. My friend Jay actually told me that my celebrity lookalike is this porn star named Jessie Rogers. So I Googled her and the first picture that popped up was her doing hardcore anal and got a little creeped out realizing that my friend Jay saw that and thought, you know who this reminds me of? Old gaping butthole Kelsaroo. Yeah. Old backdoor cook. Look at her go. A plus. What is the matter with you, Jay? But by the way, it's so nice to be able to tell that joke in person again, because I've had to tell it on mostly virtual shows the past two years. And I realized that halfway through the joke, everybody would just open a new browser. It would just get really quiet and I'd be like, hello? Everybody show me your hands. I don't trust you. What are you doing? I had to check into a hotel on the road recently and it was early in the morning and the woman checking me out, which is a little older and she goes, I just have to tell you, you look so much like Amy Adams. Huh. I don't know if you ever hear that, but you really look like her. And it took all of my strength to not pull my phone out and be like, you know who everybody else says I look like? Just really blast her with a b-hole at 8am. I just, I couldn't do it. I do think that Jesse Rogers and I, we do look alike. We have some different hobbies. I've never just sat on a lava lamp. For example, my ex-husband and I, we didn't even buy a sex toy until seven years into the relationship. We had just been Flintstone and that ----. Just very little house on the Prairie, just churning butter, very innocent. We ended up buying one of those vibrating wand things. And I got to be honest, never liked it. Way too intense for me. Even on the lowest setting, this thing is like for blasting rocks. I was like, is this what you women have been using this whole time? I barely touched it to my body. My feet lifted off the ground. I took flight. I was not turned on at all. I was terrified. I was like, did I just puree my clit? Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no, no. This thing is meant for industrial kitchens. Okay. It's for liquefying raw vegetables. It's crazy. So I ended up asking some of my friends about it and it turns out that they have this toy and they use it on the highest setting in order to have an orgasm. I was like, how have you not completely erased your vagina? Just sanded it down to a smooth slab of granite. Like a Barbie crotch. Go bowling on it. And something I've learned about you dudes is that a lot of you guys like stuff that vibrates too. So one night before the divorce, my ex and I were out drinking. I'd had a few gin and hams. As you do. And when we got home, I just feel a little extra spicy. So I decided to crank it to 10 just to see what would happen. And the moment I touched it to his junk, his balls went up inside his body. I didn't even know they could do that. I was just staring out. I'm like, do they stay up there until you sneeze really hard?