Nikki Glaser's EMBARRASSING Dwight Shrute Story

If people want you enough, they'll make it happen. Whereas I used to have to live in New York or LA when I was a little less known because you have to be available when someone drops out. That's how I got The Tonight Show was Paul Abdul had her back hurt that day and I got a call at 11 a.m. and it was just like, can you be here in five hours? Paul Abdul is struggling with her pill addiction today or whatever it was. That's not what they said, but that's what I figured. Did you ever reach out to Paul Abdul and thank her? I did. Did I meet her at some point? I feel like it's so weird that I can't remember if I've met Paul Abdul because in my dream I do tell her like, I filled in for you, but it was me. It was Rainn Wilson, me, and Hooba Stank. I didn't remember the set that I had agreed. It's a great lineup. I'm second billing as a comedian. Hooba Stank and who was the other? Hooba Stank and Rainn Wilson, who I called Dwight as soon as I got done with my set. I'm so nervous. I kill. I'm like, thank you. Good night. JLo's like, come over to the couch. So I get called over, which doesn't mean the same as it does in the Johnny Carson days, but I still took it. Go over to the couch. So I sit down and, you know, Rainn Wilson was there watching and stood up and as I walked over and then I was like, hi, and I'm a huge Office fan. And he was like, that was so funny. So good or whatever he said. And I go, thanks, Dwight. And then I set in the clearest day and I don't even catch it until I watched it later on. And I was like, oh, I called him his, you know, character. And then things were like, seemed to be happening. And then two years of nothing. And I'm just gaining weight, drinking every night. I'm going to get a DUI any day. And just miserable. Used to party a lot? Oh, yeah. I mean, I used to just black out, drink. And that's my goal. Oh, yeah. Why would I want to be awake for what my life was? Was that connected with your standup? Like in your mind a little bit? Like, were you getting blackout drunk because you had so much pressure? No, standup was always, I never relied on getting drunk to get on stage. Honestly, I think it helped a little bit. I never thought you would do that. But I mean, was that like a way to like, to cope with that? The pressure of it? I never felt that much pressure about like, failing or succeeding. I felt, I guess, money pressure, for sure. It was like, drinking was a way to deal with the pressure of just not liking myself, honestly. It was a way for me to, and it still is. Like, I find other ways to get out of this. But it was a way to me to not feel. And most of my feelings have to do with like, feeling like an imposter. Feeling less than. Not liking my looks. Just feeling unlovable. And so, I'm like getting emotional as I'm talking about it. If you cried right now, it'd be so good for the video. I know, it would be so good. Honestly, I might. I am like, on my period. I'm like, shedding blood right now and uterine lining on this chair. I hope you guys own these. No, I'm almost mystified by people who don't want to just get out of their minds. And like, be in a world where nothing matters. Like, when I would drink, the first time I drank when I was a junior in high school, I remember telling my friends, why doesn't everyone drink all the time? Why isn't everyone drunk all the time? I didn't understand why you wouldn't want to do this all the time. It's the best feeling in the world. I felt confident. I felt no worries. I liked myself. And I was like, I really said that. And I remember my friends not being on. I didn't sense that it was a weird thing I said. But I remember being kind of taken back by that they weren't like, yeah. And that's still how I feel about getting high. About food. About anything that feels good. I go, how do people just go, yeah, that's enough. How do they not want to chase it? I'm fighting chasing it. Constantly, because- Do you still fight it? Are you doing- Yeah, I mean- Do you think about drinking? It depends on how good life is going. Or how fulfilled you are through other things. And how much work you're doing on yourself. Which is, it takes time. And when you don't have a lot of time in your life, when I get too busy, I tend to want to chase those highs. Whether it be sex, food, having a crush. Literally, if they sold having a crush in a pill form, the feeling I get of having a crush, I'd be on Skid Row right now.