The primary lie: you can t always get what you want

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology, and the topic of today's short talk is the primary lie. Today I'm going to be discussing what I call the primary lie, namely the fundamental delusion that for whatever reason has infiltrated mass consciousness and is responsible for the majority of relationship dysfunction and the attendant relationship dysfunction industry. And just what is this relationship dysfunction industry, you may ask? This is a loose conglomeration of businesses that makes an inordinate amount of money every year by catering to this fundamental delusion. I'm not just talking about a lot of couples therapy. I'm talking about how to get your ex back programs and popular psychology self-help books about attachment styles and armchair pundits of every stripe on social media, each of whom seems to be selling some kind of course that assumes this lie as a fundamental operating principle. And why not? After all, the truth rarely sells. And just what is this primary lie? The lie that we all have to examine and divest ourselves of collectively is simply this. It is belief that you can have any relationship with anyone. I'll say that again. The primary lie is the belief that you can have any relationship with anyone. And because people believe that lie, they think that they should be able to have the type of relationship they want, irrespective of the person they happen to be dealing with. Of course, when that doesn't work, then they turn to an entire industry that caters to that delusion, that promises them, in effect, that they can have the relationship they want with the person they would prefer, with the secrets and understandings in this course, or book, or program, or account, or treatment package, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Trust me, this delusion is pandemic. It's typically how people enter into relationships. Namely, they find someone they want first, someone they're attracted to, and then assume that someone to be willing and able to have the type of relationship they would prefer. Why? Because they believe they can have any relationship with anyone. And any problems that emerge must be fixable problems with the right tools and understanding. Why? Because they believe they can have any relationship with anyone. And you know what? That is not ******* true. The disappointing truth is that you can only have certain relationships with certain people, which is another way of saying that it is not possible to have certain relationships with certain people. The individuals in question must possess the temperament, skill set, and disposition to discharge the expectations associated with that relationship. And these things are unlikely to change substantively after reading a book, or taking a course, or even going to couples therapy. The more people aren't suited for their roles, the more work will be required to make the relationship functional. Not exceptional, just merely functional. And that work will require time, energy, and money that must be spent at a steep opportunity cost, because those limited resources could all be deployed elsewhere, perhaps more profitably. And here's the thing. No one has a problem with this when it comes to professional relationships. It makes total ******* sense when hiring someone for a job. But because of the primary lie, people believe that sexual relationships somehow should be different, and that in any case, love should motivate us to make exceptions when things don't work. However, anyone who sold you that bill of goods in the professional marketplace will only have succeeded in getting you to pay more for less, while making you feel guilty about thinking about your bottom line. And is that the kind of love we really should be making exceptions for? If you're interested in taking your understanding to the next level, I would encourage you to check out The Captain's Quarters, my members-only self-improvement community. Your monthly membership will get you access to a cadre of like-minded, supportive individuals, bi-monthly group consultation sessions hosted by yours truly, and exclusive content that you won't find anywhere else. Click the link in the description for more information. Hope to see you aboard. To demonstrate this delusion in action, let me make a brief sports analogy. Imagine a head coach or general manager consulting expert after expert on how to get his blind, one-legged punter to kick the ball. Like, I guess you could create some new way for him to communicate with the long snapper. And I guess you could coach him on some kind of like crane kick to help him move the ball down the field. Like, I guess you could make it work. Sure. But the only reason anyone would ever possibly try this is because for whatever reason, they decided to put that guy in that position before they saw what he could do. Because I guarantee that no one, not one person on this planet would look at a blind, one-legged guy and say, that's my next punter. Do you understand? The decision to put him in that position must have preceded an accurate analysis of his abilities, not the other way around. This is basically what happens in sexual relationships every single day. People are trying to figure out how to get a blind, one-legged punter to kick the ball. And the simple truth of the matter is that that person might have no ******* business being on the football field. Of course, it's very hard to sell treatments for a hopeless condition. So the primary lie must be protected like a hesitant quarterback in pocket. And how does this lie manifest in relationships? Try this one on for size. I just want to be able to talk with her without provoking her anger and defensiveness. After all, she's 40 years old. Shouldn't she be able to communicate like an adult? Like, **** no. This is believing that you can have a mature discussion with anyone. And it turns out you can only have a mature discussion with people capable of having a mature discussion. Their chronological age has nothing to do with it. Most people, emotionally, are like 12 years old at best. So where is it written that just because a person has lived for 40 years, she necessarily has the emotional capacity to communicate like an adult? Or here's another one. I just want him to appreciate me more. After all I've done for him, is that really too much to ask? Well, yes, Karen, maybe it is too much to ask. This is believing that you can receive gratitude from anyone. And it turns out you can only receive gratitude from people who are willing and able to give gratitude. What you've done for him has absolutely nothing to do with it. Look around you. We currently live in one of the most prosperous eras in the history of mankind. But the public discourse is drowning in violent discontent. What makes you think that doing things for someone will make them grateful? Like, are you new to this planet? But people will defend their beliefs by arguing that the person in question is, in fact, capable of discussion or gratitude. After all, everyone is capable of these things. The problem is that this person is not manifesting that capability adequately or with sufficient frequency. And that's why we need the provision of care, the box of tools, the system of tricks, in order to coax and tease and support that capacity out of them. When, frankly, it might make more sense to conclude that this person just don't ******* have it. Like, let's use Occam's razor here, where the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. Like, if she acts like a child, and she talks like a child, then stay with me, maybe she is a child. And if he acts like an ingrate, and he talks like an ingrate, then tell me, on what basis are you assuming him capable of gratitude? Maybe you can get a blind, one-legged punter to kick the ball. But maybe it might make more sense to find someone better suited for that position. I don't know. What do I know? And you can only do that if you learn to see through the primary lie. That is the belief that you can have any relationship with anyone. You cannot assume that the person you are most attracted to can give you the relationship that you prefer. That's your attraction talking. And your attraction is not based on things that make a relationship work. I'll say that again for the people in the back. Your attraction is not based on things that make a relationship work. Apologies, but I was not consulted in humanities design phase. And if we realize that we can't have any relationship with anyone, then maybe, just maybe, we don't have to go to all this therapy, or read all these books, or buy all these courses, or take all these retreats, or sit through all of these sermons. Maybe we just need to find someone with two legs and some functioning eyes. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. Please send this to someone who you feel might benefit from its message. I know you know someone who believes the primary lie because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Other value propositions? Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter or book a paid one-on-one consultation with me can do so on my website. There's also my book, The Value of Others, and my private member community, The Captain's Quarters, where we host bi-monthly group consultation calls and Q&As with invited guests from all over the internet. It's a great community. We support each other. It's a lively bunch. Check it out. The links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.