The Cure for Insecurity in Relationships

I was wondering, how can I deal with insecurity in my relationship? Because my mind creates thoughts, and I get so caught up in them, that sometimes I cannot see if it's my thoughts just telling me stories, or it's maybe my intuition that is trying to tell me something. And sometimes it comes to the point where I actually feel I'm sabotaging my relationship, and sometimes I feel like maybe it's better just to leave it all, because then I won't have to deal with that insecurity. What you're experiencing, this insecurity, is an intuition. I know you were hoping not to hear that, but I'm afraid you're right, it's an intuition. But it's not the intuition that you think it is. In other words, it's not the intuition that your relationship is about to come to an end. When I say it's an intuition, it is an intuition, but it is not an intuition about the fate of your particular relationship. It's a much deeper intuition. And it's an intuition that nothing in your life is reliable. You're right to feel insecure about your relationship. It is insecure. So we should all grow up and face that fact. I'm not making a comment about your particular relationship. You may stay happily together for the rest of your life. You may not. So this insecurity you're feeling is right, but don't misinterpret it. Don't miss the opportunity that this intuition is giving you and make it something about your relationship. It's a much bigger intuition. It's an intuition that comes from an innate knowledge that each of us has that everything is insecure. Nothing objective lasts. Nothing. And if we invest our happiness, our security, and our identity in an object, that is a relationship, an activity, a teaching, a teacher, our intelligence, our health, our wealth, if we invest our happiness, security, and identity in anything objective, it is a recipe for misery. We have to just face that fact honestly and courageously. So it's very good that you realize that your relationship and all relationships with all people and all objects is insecure. They could be taken away from you at any moment. So what is the cure for this insecurity? To get married? To make marriage vows? To vow to each other that you'll stay happily together for the rest of your life? No, obviously not. What is the remedy for this insecurity, which is expressing itself as an insecurity in a relationship, but it's actually, even if you weren't in a relationship, this same insecurity would be expressing itself in another aspect of your life. So what is the remedy for this existential insecurity? There is a remedy. It can only be to find out if there is something secure in your life. Because if you're going to invest your happiness, your peace of mind, your identity in anything, we should invest it in something that is secure and trustworthy and reliable. Now what is that? Is there anything in your life that is trustworthy and reliable, that has never left you, that has never changed, that has never let you down, that has never been separated from you? What is that? How would you describe it? It's okay, you don't have to describe it. But whatever it is, and you know in your experience what I'm referring to, invest your identity in that alone. To invest our security in something that is not secure is madness. And suffering is the result. So just face that fact. It's a fact. It's an inescapable fact. It's a fact that many people don't want to look at, because it's too painful to look at it. Or at least they think it's too painful to look at it. In fact, it's the opposite. It's the doorway to true happiness. To investing one's security and identity and happiness in something that won't let us down. And please don't misunderstand me. I'm not suggesting that one shouldn't have relationships, or long-term relationships, or committed relationships. I'm not suggesting any of that. Perfectly okay to do so, to get married if you want to, or whatever. But if you want to give your relationship the best possible chance of being a truly intimate relationship, I recommend you remove from it any demand for producing something that is stable and secure in your life. That doesn't mean it's not a license for two partners in a relationship to behave in irresponsible or unloving ways. I obviously don't mean that. But if you free a relationship from the impossible demands of being something that it can never be, that will give your relationship the best possible chance of being what you truly want it to be, which is truly loving and intimate. But as long as you are investing your identity and your happiness in it, as you yourself rightly observed, you are preventing it from being what you want it to be. So don't get busy tinkering with the relationship. I'm not suggesting that. The remedy is to discover in yourself what is truly secure. Invest your security in that. Invest your security, your happiness, and your identity in that. And particularly if two people in a relationship are both doing the same thing, then that will give that particular relationship the best possible chance of being truly intimate. It doesn't mean to say that you'll necessarily stay together forever. You may or you may not. But whether you do or you don't, it'll be a true friendship, a truly intimate, loving friendship. Thank you.