Don't chase- the power of attractiveness

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, better living through psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is, don't chase. So this is kind of a standard piece of advice when it comes to dating. Every dating coach online puts it forth as an iron rule, irrespective of who they're coaching. The guys helping men are telling the men not to chase, and the ladies helping women are telling the women not to chase. So what's going on? They can't both be right, can they? And if everyone listened to this advice, wouldn't it lead to a kind of stalemate in the sexual marketplace where no one makes the first move? Let's examine this further. Now I should begin by saying that there is some truth to this advice. Like the reason why both sides are counseling their clients not to chase is that chasing puts the chaser, whether the chaser is a man or a woman, in a disadvantaged position. The one being chased is always more powerful than the one doing the chasing. And power has significant advantages in the negotiation process of any relationship. Without exception, the more powerful players get more of what they want and less of what they don't, irrespective of the type of relationship being negotiated. Just consider when you are more likely to get more of what you want in a professional context. Is it when you are sending out cold emails to invite yourself to a job interview? Or is it when you're being actively pursued by a number of different recruiters? It's very difficult to drum up interest where none exists. And even when you succeed in doing so, you will still likely be at a disadvantage relative to what would be on offer were the roles reversed. So why doesn't everyone just sit back and wait to be pursued? Easy. For this strategy to work, you have to be sufficiently attractive to motivate the other party to forego the advantage inherent in being pursued and initiate action. This is why, in sexual relationships, the game of power is actually played out, first and foremost, in the game of attraction. The more attractive you are, the more you can motivate the other party to chase. And I go into this a lot more deeply in my book, in case you're interested. Anyway, this is why people can't just listen to advice like, don't chase, and expect it to work for them. Every person, man and woman, has to be real honest with the person in the mirror. Women cannot simply sit back and assume an advantage conferred by their sex. Not all women are attractive enough to motivate men to chase. I'll say that again. Not all women are attractive enough to motivate men to chase. And of course, the vast majority of men are not attractive enough to motivate women to chase. I don't need to say that twice. Everyone already believes that. And if there is any doubt in your mind, that is, if you're unsure whether you're attractive or not, then allow me to remove it. You're not. Attractive people are awash in optionality. They do not need to be told not to chase. They are already being relentlessly pursued. Bitter medicine, but it's always better to strategize from a place of accepting reality than from one of wishful thinking. The bad news is that not everyone is attractive. The good news is that everyone, without exception, can be more attractive than they currently are. Focus on what is in your domain of control. Men, we can't all be over six feet tall, but there's nothing we can do about that. Are you taking care of your finances and your fitness and your fashion and your fame and your friendships, etc.? Women, you can't all be Instagram baddies, but there's not much you can do about that. Are you taking care of your fitness and your fashion and your femininity and your flirting and your *******? Focus on what is in your domain of control and play to your strengths. Because trust me, the more attractive you are, the more likely you are to get more of what you want, and that is a great feeling. If you're interested in taking your understanding to the next level, I would encourage you to check out The Captain's Quarters. My members-only self-improvement community. Your monthly membership will get you access to a cadre of like-minded, supportive individuals, bi-monthly group consultation sessions hosted by yours truly, and exclusive content that you won't find anywhere else. Click the link in the description for more information. Hope to see you aboard. However, here's another thing to keep in mind. Since chasing always puts a player in a more disadvantaged position, we can understand that pursuit is always the necessity of the less powerful player. Pursuit is an aggressive tactic. It's offensive. Consider a game of soccer. A team that is down on points must become more aggressive as the game goes on. If they aren't to resign themselves to losing, the team that is up on points can adopt a more defensive position. It's their game to lose. It's the trailing team's game to win. So we can see that the decision to chase or not is not actually a gendered one. It's not that women inherently don't have to chase, or even more insidiously, shouldn't have to chase. Pursuit becomes the necessity of the side that is down on points. The more attractive does not move to the less attractive. Period. And in the context of any given interaction, one party is going to be more attractive than the other. Adopting a don't chase policy when dealing with more attractive and more powerful players isn't going to work. It is what it is. And this is precisely how some women in their thirties basically squander the time they have left. As I discuss in my episode Women Over 30, the game changes significantly at this point in life. At 30, the average man's sexual marketplace value exceeds the average woman's sexual marketplace value for the very first time, and it never goes back. Women who could potentially get away with adopting a don't chase policy in their thirties, in their twenties, are often in for a rude awakening if they maintain this policy in their thirties and beyond. Relative to her intersexual competition, not relative to her own standards, she may not be sufficiently attractive for men, especially those age-appropriate men who are now much more attractive than they once were, to forego their advantaged position in the game and pursue her. So it's really important for people to take general advice from dating coaches with a grain of salt, as good judgment is required to apply the general to the particular in any given case. And acting like the more powerful player when you aren't isn't going to help you get what you want. Imagine showing up for your first day on the job acting like you own the place. Like how well do you think that would be received? Confidence can and does go a long way toward influencing first impressions. However, the confidence is very quickly revealed to be arrogance or delusion if it's not backed up in reality. But let me leave you with one final thought on the matter. Dating coaches who argue that women should never chase are attempting to make their female clients the more powerful players in the mating game. On the surface, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this. However, we might be able to appreciate how this actually sets a lot of women up for failure in the long term. How might this be the case? Well, it turns out that in human relationships of all kinds, there is a legitimate basis of power. And the legitimate basis of power is the assumption of responsibility commensurate with one's privileges. If an individual is endowed with the privilege of calling the shots and getting more of what he or she wants, then on some level, this person also has the responsibility of directing the relationship and of protecting and providing for the less powerful or more vulnerable party. There's no way around this. Every culture throughout history has justifiably considered those who enjoy privilege irresponsibly to be tyrannical, irrespective of their gender. Legitimate power is privilege plus responsibility. And this is something for women to closely consider. Everyone wants the privileges of power, but few are ready to assume the responsibilities naturally associated with the same. In my experience, most women don't want to lead the relationship. They don't want to look after the man, and they certainly don't want to pay for him. They want to be idolized. They want to receive gifts and tokens and sacrifices and love, but they don't want the obligation of doing anything in return. Any power they enjoy is neither legitimate nor sustainable. And this attitude is giving rise to iconoclasts of all kinds. The upshot is that women have to be careful about adopting strategies to become more powerful in their sexual relationships. Unless they are ready and able to assume the responsibilities associated with these privileges, they might end up losing when they win. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please, send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know someone who needs to hear this because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Other value propositions? Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter, for which I write original content, or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly, can find out more on my website. There's also my best-selling book, The Value of Others, available in e-book, audio book, and paperback formats, in which I explore my model of sexual relationships, and my private member community, The Captain's Quarters, where I host bi-monthly group consultation calls and Q&As with invited guests from all over the internet. It's a great group. We have a great time. Check it out if you are so inclined. The links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support, and I thank you for listening.