Getting vs. keeping: emotional labor in dating

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology, and the topic of today's short talk is getting versus keeping. These two things are very, very different. What it costs and takes to get isn't always, or even usually, what it costs and takes to maintain. And this is especially true in the context of sexual relationships between men and women. As I've said before, when it comes to sexual relationships, asymmetry is the rule, not the exception. And there is a large asymmetry between the effort it takes to get and the effort it takes to maintain. However, once we understand this asymmetry, that is, once we accept that it is real and we accommodate our behavior to it, then we can begin to have more satisfying and successful relationships with the opposite sex. Let's get to it. The following discussion is founded on two fundamental premises. First, that women are the gatekeepers of sex and that men are the gatekeepers of commitment. And second, that in the contemporary sexual marketplace, sex precedes commitment. People might gripe about this second observation, but it's probably not going anywhere anytime soon. This is because, economically, it would be very difficult for a woman in today's day and age to demand commitment prior to sex. Like, you can't charge for a product that your competition is giving away for free. You're not going to get very far with that business strategy. In any case, since sex now precedes commitment, the fledgling couple comes up against the woman's gatekeeping first. That is, men have to get through women's gatekeeping before women have to get through men's. And whichever party is currently trying to get through the other's gate is reasonably and justifiably going to be making the lion's share of the effort. For example, in the conventional conceptualization of courtship, the man approaches the woman. So he assumes a disproportionate amount of the risk. He plans and pays for the dates. So he assumes a disproportionate amount of the costs. And the man initiates and conducts the seduction. So he assumes a disproportionate amount of the effort here as well. In the lead up to sex, women can kind of expect to just sort of go along for the ride if they want to. She doesn't have to do much at this stage of the game, except decide whether she wants to allow the guy access to her sexually. However, this is also true when it comes to top-tier men who no longer date conventionally. That is, these men have had to expend considerable effort, sometimes over the course of decades, to become sufficiently attractive to women that they no longer need to date like the average Joe. These guys have physiques, and or power, and or fame, and or wealth, and or success, broadly defined. And again, few women seem to have a problem with men putting in the effort to become more attractive options for them. In fact, women commonly complain when men deviate from this template. That is, when he doesn't make an effort to plan dates, or when he asks to split the bill, or when he waits for the woman to initiate. And God help him if he isn't handsome, or powerful, or famous, or wealthy, or successful, or attractive. Few men complain when men make the effort to be attractive, and when men make more of an effort in the courtship process. They don't mind it when men take the initiative, and pay for dates, and sweep her off her feet, etc. Indeed, most men have to expend a considerable amount of effort, both before and after the woman shows up, to get her to open her gate and initiate a sexual relationship with him. And again, I hear no complaints from women about any of this. But here's the thing. Once sex occurs, the balance of power shifts significantly in the context of that relationship. Women have more power before sex happens, because she controls what he wants. But men have more power after sex happens, because he now controls what she wants. Once sex happens, it's the man's opportunity to act as a gatekeeper. And he can't be expected to hand over commitment to any woman who wants it, any more than she can be expected to hand over sex to any man who wants that. And this means that the onus of effort, reasonably and justifiably, shifts to the woman. If you're interested in taking your understanding to the next level, I would encourage you to check out The Captain's Quarters, my members-only self-improvement community. Your monthly membership will get you access to a cadre of like-minded, supportive individuals, bi-monthly group consultation sessions hosted by yours truly, and exclusive content that you won't find anywhere else. Click the link in the description for more information. Hope to see you aboard. If a man has to do all that work to get a woman, then a woman has to expect to do a lot of work to keep that man. Getting versus keeping, do you understand? Listen to me closely. One of the reasons, one of the main reasons, why women get ghosted after sex is because they do not understand that the onus of effort has shifted onto them. They expect that the man is going to keep making the same level of effort after he gets what he wants. And that's about as true as expecting that a woman is going to keep making the same level of effort after she gets what she wants. Just ask any married man. Who is more attractive? His wife or his girlfriend? Who does he have sex with more often? His wife or his girlfriend, etc. And why is this the case? Because it is human ******* nature. People work harder before getting what they want than they do after they get it. If a woman wants a committed relationship with a man she has slept with, that's on her. She has to make an effort to get that commitment, just like the man had to make an effort to get that sex. While this is unequal, it is fair. These days we hear a lot about a woman's emotional labor in the context of their relationships. That is all the effort the woman pours into her relationship to keep her man and maintain his commitment. But what women have to understand is that everything that a man did before sex was emotional labor for him. It was emotional labor for the man to be charming when he didn't feel like it, to plan dates around your tastes and preferences instead of his own, to listen to your stories when you may actually not be very interesting, to put in the effort to stimulate and excite and arouse your emotions. And he might have done all these things even when he didn't feel like doing so. Why? Because if he didn't, he wouldn't attain the outcome he hoped for and no one would have any sympathy for him in this case. By the same token, women should expect to perform emotional labor to keep their relationships. They might have to support their boyfriends or husbands even when they don't feel like it. They may have to maintain their physical appearance to keep up their boyfriend's or husband's attraction even when they don't feel like it. They may have to suppress their own needs and emotions even when they don't feel like it. They may have to make their boyfriends or husbands feel useful and respected and loved even when they don't feel like it. Because trust me, the men did the same thing to get you. If they weren't willing to perform that emotional labor, they wouldn't have gotten laid, there would be no relationship, and you wouldn't be with them today. That's the other side of the coin, so no complaining. Ultimately though, this isn't about men or women. The labor, the work, the effort always falls on the person who is trying to get through the gate. It's an offensive tactic, not a defensive one. Defense doesn't require a lot of effort. Just say no. Demand more. Raise your standards. Defense can sit back and wait. Not true for offense. When you're on offense, you have to go out and make something happen. You cannot wait for the world to just dump it into your lap. This is because, as I've said before, the universe lives closed. That is, the default answer to any question is no. The question therefore becomes, what outcome do you want? If you want the paycheck, you have to be willing to do the job. If not, surrender your desire for payday. If you don't do either, you will either be resentfully frustrated and or delusionally entitled. Just like no man is entitled to a woman's sexual opportunity, no woman is entitled to a man's commitment and provision. It falls to each to make the appropriate effort to get what they want at the appropriate time. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please, send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know someone who needs to hear this, because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Other value propositions. You can join my free weekly newsletter, for which I write original content, or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly on my website. That's where you get more information for both of those things. There's also my best-selling book, The Value of Others, in which I explore in-depth my model of intersexual relationships. In my private member community, The Captain's Quarters, where I host bi-monthly group consultation calls and host Q&As with invited guests from all over the internet. We have a great time. Check it out if you're so inclined. The links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.