Being right doesn't matter: winning the battle to lose the war

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology, and the topic of today's short talk is, Being Right Doesn't Matter. This is something I wish I had learned a long time ago, as it would have dramatically improved my relationships with women. Deeply understanding, like emotionally understanding, this lesson is one of the secrets to pleasant, fulfilling, stable, and satisfying relationships. The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter if you're right with women. By the same token, it also doesn't matter if you're not wrong, which, while related, isn't quite the same thing. Men can do nothing wrong. They can be completely right, and they can still encounter friction, conflict, and withdrawal from their women. And I'm here to shed some light on why this might be the case. First of all, it's important to understand that there are games, and there are metagames. Metagames are the bigger games in which smaller games are embedded. People are generally aware of the games they are playing, but they're not always aware of the metagames that they're playing. And this is because, while subject to certain rules and goals like games, the rules and goals of metagames are typically more abstract, indirect, and non-explicit. Now, the existence of both games and metagames creates an opportunity for interaction effects. Like, it's possible to win both games or lose both games, but it's also possible to win the game and lose the metagame. Let me give you an example of what that might look like. Imagine that you're playing a game of tennis, and over the course of five sets, you completely trounce your opponent, fair and square. In such a case, it's right that you should have won as you were clearly the better player, so you won the game of tennis. However, if in your victory, you started to gloat, you started to brag about how amazing you clearly are, and you started to rub your superiority in your conquered opponent's face, then you would lose the metagame of sportsmanship. You are clearly right, like you are objectively the better player, and your braggadocio would actually be founded on verifiable empirical evidence, but that wouldn't matter. And this is because, for better or worse, we don't live in a completely, or even a mostly, merit-based world. It's not always the best players who get to play. Like, other people still have to like you enough, or at least not dislike you enough, in order to deal with you. And while the better you are, the more people will put up with you, everyone kind of has their limit. In general, it's a good idea to prioritize the highest metagame you can conceptualize. Because what happens if you prioritize the game over the metagame? If you win the game but lose the metagame, then your victory is going to be circumscribed at best and invalidated at worst. It can even be more beneficial to lose the game and win the metagame than the other way around. Like, to continue my tennis example, if your defeated opponent were to shrug it off, seem unaffected by your antics, and even praise humbly your superior form, then he might become a popular hero in the tennis world. The worse you treat him, the better he looks. He might not be very skilled at the game, but he might get more chances to play than you will if you continue to act in such a boneheaded way. Do you understand? Sometimes it's more effective to lose well than to win poorly. The trick is to be strategic and intentional with your priorities. Do not delude yourself into thinking that earning points in the game entitle you to points in the metagame, and vice versa. Arguing that this isn't the way the world should be is a waste of breath. It is the way it is. You can either accept that and learn to be successful in reality, or you can continue to fight against it by insisting that your ideals should take precedence over your achievement. If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description. So let's bring this back around. When it comes to dealing with women, men can win the game, they can be right, they can be not wrong, and they can still lose the metagame. And being right, or not wrong, in the game means **** all in the metagame. The game, in this case, could be whatever objective or empirically verifiable thing you happen to be arguing about, while the metagame could be a peaceful and harmonious relationship. What gets points in one game might not get points in the other, and vice versa. This might be a helpful way of thinking about it. There is no wrong way to pet a cat. There are no laws prohibiting certain pets, or regulations mandating certain other pets. There is, to my knowledge, no morally right or ethically wrong way to pet a cat. You can pet a cat a hundred different ways. There are no rules about how you go about doing so. So how can you really do it wrong? That said, if you choose to stroke a cat against the direction of its fur, the cat's probably going to bristle, and you're going to get the claws. Now, does that mean that you did anything objectively, or morally, or ethically wrong? It would be hard to argue that you did. But does that matter when you're all scratched up? On the other hand, stroking a cat in the direction of its fur doesn't necessarily mean that you're doing it right, or that you're a good person, or that you are vindicated by objective reality. These concepts are all incomprehensible to a cat. However, if you choose to pet a cat in this way, it will tend to purr and snuggle up in your lap, and you can enjoy a satisfying interaction with a feline. Are you following me? Men, a lot about having satisfying relationships with women comes down to learning how to stroke the cat. Petting them in a different way doesn't make you bad, doesn't make you wrong, but you might end up with the claws regardless. And on some level, this is fair. You can't really pet the cat however you'd like to pet it, and expect the cat to like it, irrespective of what you might do. That's tantamount to assuming cats have no preferences, which is obviously untrue. As I'm fond of saying, the cat decides what milk is good. At times, men can get so hung up on what is objectively right, or what is demonstrably wrong, that they build a bulwark on that principle, and defend it to the end. Such men win the battle, but lose the war. That is, they win the game, but lose the metagame. And that isn't much of a victory in my book. It sounds a bit strange, but there is a way to stroke a woman. And this way is neither right nor wrong, it's just what they tend to prefer. Women are the way women are, and men are the way men are, and the more both sides can kind of learn the preferences of the other, the smoother relationships tend to go. Of course, individual preferences exist, and you may need to learn the idiosyncrasies of your particular cat. Some like to be tickled behind the ears, others like little chin-scritchies. Over time, you kind of learn what your particular cat tends to prefer. The idea is to prioritize effectiveness. What works to get the results you want? And this might require some flexibility, and a willingness to step outside of what you think should be the case. Otherwise, you might end up like our vainglorious athlete, who confidently snatches defeat from the jaws of success. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message, as it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. And anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter, or book a paid consultation, can do so on my website. The links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support, and thank you for listening.