How I know what women want: their feelings don't matter

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is, How I Know What Women Want. So this episode was inspired by some of the comments that viewers left in response to my recent solo interview on Soft White Underbelly, during which, among other things, I talked about what women want, a subject that I've previously discussed on this very channel. Mark titled the talk something comparable. In any case, I'm fairly convinced that the vast majority of negative comments that this interview received were simply reactions to the optics associated with the interview. Namely, that I was a man speaking about women's desires. How could I, a man, possibly know what women want? I've never been a woman. I don't know how women think. I don't know how women feel. So what misguided arrogance must I possess to presume to answer this question? Now, there are a number of reasons why this kind of reaction is actually very concerning, both with respect to epistemology and with respect to social dialogue. But we're going to pass over these for now. In this episode, I'm simply going to respond to the objection on face value and explain how it is that I, in fact, know what women want. And if you listen very carefully, you'll potentially be able to advance your understanding of human beings in general. Let's get to it. So the main argument in support of dismissing my perspective is that I, as a man, cannot possibly know what it really feels like to be a woman. And I agree with that predicate. I don't know what it really feels like to be a woman. That's true. But we can also extend that statement to literally everyone. I can't feel anybody else's feelings. I can't experience anybody else's life. And that means that I do not know, cannot know what it really feels like to be anyone else. And it's certainly not true that men simply understand each other due to the fact that they share a gendered experience of reality. Because whatever that gendered experience is, it's not the same gendered experience for all men. Similarly, women typically don't get together and sing kumbaya over their shared womanhood. In fact, in the diversity of human experience, there are probably some men who are more different from me than some women are. The point is that experience doesn't neatly organize itself around the identity categories that people create. But none of this matters with respect to the point under consideration. And why doesn't it matter? Because I don't need to know how a woman feels in order to know what she wants. I will say that one more time. I don't need to know how a woman feels in order to know what she wants. And why is that? Because the truest indication of what people in general, men and women, what people want is not their feelings. It's not their intentions. And it's absolutely not their words. It's their behavior. Observing how people behave, especially with respect to scarce resources like time or money, is the most accurate and reliable indication of what people truly value. And guess what? As a man, I can observe women's behavior. In fact, as an outside observer, I'm probably better equipped to observe a woman's behavior than that woman is herself. This is because people have all kinds of blind spots, or more accurately, distortions, that prevent them from seeing themselves as other people do. This is a large part of what makes therapy effective. In therapy, you examine your subjective experience with your therapist and collaboratively figure out where it doesn't quite line up with reality, which is generally why people suffer. And it is the observation of behavior, not the mutual recognition of a shared gendered experience, that makes this possible. Let's go further. Starting with my first premise, namely, that people's behavior is the most accurate and reliable indication of what people truly want. Take this hypothetical example. Let's say that you share a new business idea with a friend, and this person is just over the moon with support for your vision. This is going to make a billion dollars. Your product is going to change the world, man. I can see one of your widgets in every household in America, and I know that you have the smarts and the drive to make this possible. I believe in you. However, if you ask him if he wants to invest a thousand bucks in your enterprise, and he says something like, you know, I'd really like that. I really want to help you. And I know I'm going to be missing out on something big, but, you know, money's really tight right now, and I just don't have the funds to invest. But then you learn the following week, he spent a thousand bucks on a new TV. What are you reasonably going to conclude about what your friend really thinks and feels? Like, if you still believe that he doesn't have money, if you still believe that he thinks your business idea is good, and if you still believe that he wants to support you, you are a ******* idiot. His behavior indicated quite clearly that he believed a new television would generate more value for him than your amazing investment opportunity. Now, he could also be wrong. That is, you might actually have a good business, and getting in on the ground floor could be the wisest decision of your friend's life. Like, what would your life be like today if you bought 10 bitcoins 15 years ago? But you would still be a ******* idiot if you thought your friend actually felt that way and bought the TV instead. If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in the sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description. What people do is the clearest indication of what they value. And that is why, whenever there is discrepancy between what someone says and what someone does, you should always, always, always give priority to what they do. It doesn't mean you ignore what they say completely, but you absolutely take it with a large dose of salt. And the larger the discrepancy, the larger the dose. Anyone who succeeds in making you believe their words over and above their actions has cast a spell on you. That person is a magician. And when they go so far as to insist that their words should take precedence over their actions, they become like Oz, the great and powerful, who insists you pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Because if you do, you'll realize there is no magic involved, just smoke and mirrors and a clever sleight of hand. Having listened to thousands and thousands of people, I can confidently tell you that words are more often used to obscure the truth than to reveal it. I'll say that again. Words are more often used to obscure the truth than to reveal it. The truth is revealed through action. And our actions often reveal uncomfortable truths about ourselves. They often betray the concept of who we think we are or the concept of who we would like to be. This is why I might be in a better position to observe a person's actions than the person him or herself. And that's a tough pill for anyone to swallow. The eye cannot see itself. Like, literally. If it did, it would cease to function as an organ of sight. It has to be transparent to self in order to see. In a similar fashion, the eye, the ego, cannot completely see itself either. That's why we need friends and counselors to point out when we miss things and keep us on the straight and narrow. This is because, just like there are magicians who cast spells on others, people absolutely cast spells on themselves. In fact, the two are related. The more susceptible people are to their own spells, the more susceptible they tend to be to the spells of others. And the spell that people most commonly cast on themselves is the willingness to believe their own bullshit. These distortions or coping mechanisms are designed to protect the individual from pain, especially the pain that arises from the cognitive dissonance that would ensue upon realizing their actions were not, in fact, in line with their consciously articulated values. They don't want to feel like a bad person or a hypocrite. So they believe that they tend to act in line with their beliefs, even when there is copious evidence to the contrary. This is why the beginning of real self-improvement is the willingness to confront one's own evasions and, as we say, take a good long look at the person in the mirror. And why do we say that? Because in the mirror, you can actually see yourself, not as you believe you look like, but as other people see you. It is an idiom that functionally means to look at oneself objectively, which is, of course, what I can more easily accomplish as a third party. The more you can get out of your subjective experience, your feelings, your stories, your deceptions, the closer you will get to the truth. In any case, that is how I can possibly know what women want without ever personally experiencing their subjective emotions. Perhaps I'll discuss the other ramifications of this perspective, which are even more concerning, in a future episode. But I think that's enough for today. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message, even a woman who disagrees with my perspective. See what she says. Because it's word of mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter for which I write original content or book a paid one-on-one consultation with this guy can do so on my website. There's also my best-selling book, The Value of Others, in which I explore the underlying dimensions of sexual relationships and my private community, The Captain's Quarters, where I host bi-monthly live group consultations and host Q&As with invited guests from all over the internet. The links to everything are in the description below. A lot of great value in those resources. Please check them out. As always, I appreciate your support and thank you for listening.