The two paths: how people learn

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology. And the topic of today's short talk is the two paths. This episode was inspired by an excellent question that I received in my members community the other day. The question was, functionally, is it possible for people to make positive changes in their lives without having to learn the hard way? It's a really good question. And this episode is largely going to be the response that I gave on that platform as I think it would be useful for people to hear on a larger level. Here we go. There are only two paths of growth available to human beings. There is the path of pain, and there is the path of light. That's it. Those are the only two ways that people learn. And in my experience, 99% of people learn 99% of their lessons on the path of pain. So let's start by examining this path a bit. First, it's important to understand that despite how it feels, pain isn't bad. In fact, both paths are good, though certainly one is much more pleasant than the other. Pain is the gift that nobody wants. But listen to me carefully. It is your most trustworthy teacher as you navigate through life. Why? Because pain gives you feedback, honest feedback, with respect to how your behavior interacts with the world and how your mental models align with reality. Pain will never lie to you. Pain will not try to protect your feelings. Pain will always tell you the truth in a way that your partner, your parents, your therapist, your priest, no one will be able to do as directly, consistently, and forthrightly. You experience pain when you act on mental models that are not aligned with reality. For example, if you think a stove should be cold when it isn't, and you place your hand on the burner with that knowledge and expectation, you are going to experience pain. That is, you experience pain when your knowledge is wrong, which is a nicer way of saying when you're ignorant. This ignorance could be about the nature of current conditions, it could be about the rules whereby we extrapolate current conditions into future conditions, and it could be about assumptions with respect to what conditions should be attended to and what conditions should be ignored. The vast majority of this knowledge is gained through experience, which in many cases is a euphemism for pain. It's also important to understand that pain is not the same thing as suffering. Suffering is pain plus judgment. The judgment that the pain is somehow unbearable, wrong, unjust, self-defining, etc. And it can be useful to remember that pain is itself a construct. Pain is sensation plus judgment. The judgment that the sensation is somehow aversive, unpleasant, uncomfortable, etc. It's useful to remember that no sensation is universally experienced as unpleasant. I guarantee you, no matter how painful you might consider a sensation to be, there are people in this world right now who are seeking after that same sensation as a source of pleasure. In any case, my definition of pain is that it's feedback from the universe that you are somehow not in line with reality. Now, if you're like me, you've had to learn your lessons the hard way. And as a therapist, I think that's everyone's right. Like, I'm not going to prevent someone from walking into pain. I'll counsel them against it, which is light, but I won't stop them. Everyone has the right to make their own mistakes. And there might actually be something cowardly and fragile about the person who just takes other people's advice and never fails on his or her own terms. The lessons that people learn through pain are so deeply integrated into their being that once they are fully accepted, they never unlearn them. And this is why the highest wisdom is so often ignored by others. When it comes from someone else, it's kind of held at arm's length until the truth of it, that is, its ability to help someone avoid pain in the real world of actual decisions, is tested and integrated. If you're interested in taking your understanding to the next level, I would encourage you to check out The Captain's Quarters. My members-only self-improvement community. Your monthly membership will get you access to a cadre of like-minded, supportive individuals, bi-monthly group consultation sessions hosted by yours truly, and exclusive content that you won't find anywhere else. Click the link in the description for more information. Hope to see you aboard. Fortunately, however, this is not the only way to learn. There is another path, which is the path of light. Light is knowledge, wisdom, and revelation. Now, the real enduring benefit of light is that it can be communicated. It's not really possible to communicate pain. There's nothing you can say to impart to another person just how painful it is to break your arm or lose a loved one. For better or worse, they kind of have to go through the experience themselves in order to have a sense of what that might feel like. Light, on the other hand, can be communicated to others, even in advance of when they might need its guidance. It's collectively humanity's best resource for combating ignorance and reducing unnecessary suffering. That said, it will probably never be possible to eliminate pain entirely because light is almost always lessons that other people have learned through pain. Light is like transmuted pain. If you take away one, you'll eventually take away the other. In this world, pain is everywhere. It's almost omnipresent, except for this very straight and very narrow path that is constantly fluctuating with the current conditions of the present moment. This straight and narrow path is the path of light, and the path of pain is on either side of it. If you step off the path of light, that is, if you're not in perfect alignment with reality, you're going to experience pain. This pain is like a somatic signal that you've stepped off the path of light. It's like one of those rumble strips that lets you know that your car is starting to drift out of its lane. In this way, there is a kind of benevolence to pain as it can keep a sensitive, responsive individual from getting too far off the straight and narrow path. Now, these two paths are complementary in many ways. For instance, the more people learn through pain, the less they learn through light, and the more they learn through light, the less they learn through pain. Why? Because when people finally, truly, and fully learn the lesson that pain has been trying to teach them, then they change their behavior to be more aligned with reality, and so experience less pain. Using pain to course correct should put them a bit more on the path of light, and until that happens, their life can certainly feel dark and miserable. And why wouldn't it? There is no light on the path of pain. So the more pain there is, the less light there is to be seen. Fortunately, the converse is also true. That is, the more light there is, the less pain there is to be felt. And this gives us the truest test of whether somebody is actually wise. They don't have a lot of pain in their lives because they have learned their ******* lessons. They learned the lessons that pain had been trying to teach them, to course correct onto the path of light. Listen to me. A person who is unhappy and unsuccessful is not wise. A person who is anxious or depressed is not wise. A person who is arrogant or victimizing or envious or irritable is not wise. Maybe they have a little knowledge, but as they say, a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Internal states like these are the most reliable signs that a person is still not in alignment with reality to some extent. And you know what? That's okay. I haven't learned all of my lessons once and for all either. We're all works in progress, but the trick is to get better at learning those lessons sooner and with fewer repetitions so that we can, all of us, walk more and more on the path of light and receive more of our instruction from that truth. And one of the best ways to do that is to learn from other people. Anybody can be a teacher if you approach them with the right attitude. I mean, a lot of people will teach you what not to do, but that is certainly useful instruction, especially within the context of experiencing less pain. I would recommend using books and media with this intention. Don't consume content for pleasure. Engage with media for your own edification, which is a fancy way of saying for your own good. Seek out the truth contained within it that can help you suffer less, that can help you get off the path of pain and onto the path of light. Like if you find one kernel of truth in a book that helps you tread a bit more on the path of light, that's a book well read. The more you seek out the truth, the more you will find it. When you begin to actually apply what you've learned in your own life, you won't have to hit your head against the wall as much as you currently do. And you can learn these lessons vicariously from others who have decided to stop hitting their own heads against the wall and have succeeded in communicating their own transmuted pain as light. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message because it's word of mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter or book a paid consultation can do so on my website. There's also my book, The Value of Others, and my member community, The Captain's Quarters. The links to everything are in the description below. Please check them out. There's a lot of great information there. As always, I appreciate your support and thank you for listening.