My Husband Has A Spending Addiction

Brought to you by the EveryDollar App. Start budgeting for free today. My question and situation is we're in baby step two and we have paid off $45,000 in two years from $71,000. Wow. So we're almost there. And my husband has a spending problem with part of addiction. So I'm at this point of considering just separating our finances to get through this, but I know I don't want to separate finances and we've been doing so well. Did something happen where he derailed? No, it's basically just he has a limit of 500 a month and he keeps spending over one month out of the year. He'll get right on there, but most of the time it's way over. How is he spending over? How is he doing it? Yeah, so we've tried so many different ways from cash to debit card to even a credit card from like before, but now we don't. But he's been spending and it's just on his addiction. So he just wants more money. So he keeps asking me every week for money and I'm like, no, we got to stay on budget. And so it's just kind of that up and downhill as we go. So even the 500 that you're giving him, he's spending on the addiction, whether it's cash, whether it's a debit card. And what's the nature of his addiction? So he likes to drink beer and he smokes cigarettes as well. Has he gone through any rehab or counseling for that? Currently, we are going to marriage counseling right now. We are still talking about trying to get him to quit smoking. And right now, it's just kind of like that steady flow of like he wants to, but it's not quite getting there yet. Is he in AA? Not currently, no. Is he willing to? I would hope so. But every time that we try to talk about it, he doesn't really want to say much about it. He doesn't really communicate that well with me, especially on those topics. I got to tell you, I would keep the money completely separate and I wouldn't allow that person to have that kind of access to the money because they're dealing with something that is a health struggle for them. It's a mental struggle for them. And they're not in a place where they can handle money. $500 is a lot of money. And especially if it's just like, here, here's $500. There's no good that can come of that. Now, I do think that if you're in charge of the money, what a great thing to do would be, hey, let's sit down together. Here's what we make. Here's what we have. Here's what I'm doing with the money. So he's got full transparency. He can everything that's happening. But if you're handing a person who's addicted to alcohol $500 a month, they're going to spend it on alcohol. And that's the nature of the disease he's working through right now. Yeah. So when I am full control of the money and he's okay with that, we have conversations at least three times a month about it. I keep talking to him about it. So it's just trying to stay on that budget of making sure that it's there because it used to be way more. So right now we're just trying to make sure that we don't go over budget. So I think that might be the problem right now instead of like the addiction problem. I know that's still a big problem. Well, you said you opened with, hey, I gave him $500 and he's spending over it and what he's spending over is on beer. So my question is when you give him $500, what's the intent of that money? What are you thinking he's going to spend it on? Yeah. So I kind of did, I love finances. So I've gone through like the money aspect. So smokes of how many per week beer as well. And then there's that extra like 10 to $15 of, you know, snacks and seven 11 or something like that. So I kind of even it out through there each week. And so I give it to him each week and it's been going okay. It's just by the time it's about Friday or Thursday, he asked for more and I'm like, no. And our therapist has said, don't, you know, give into that. And sometimes it's just really hard. So, so, you know, he's got a problem with alcohol and yet it's still okay to fund him. Go going to seven 11 to get alcohol as long as he stays in budget. Well, and so I didn't feel right. I hate it. I know I hate it. And I think you've been putting up with this for too long, but you're doing, I mean, I don't want to cut him off completely. Why not? He's hurting himself. No, no. He needs to agree to go to AA tomorrow. Okay. And you need to cut off all ties. You need to make sure his credit is frozen. Give him no access to further money until he shows that he can be trustworthy because there's a prerequisite to combining finances and that's communication, trust, unity, and alignment. And he doesn't have those right now. He can't have those because he's going through an addiction. And so he needs to deal with that. And right now it's going to be you hustling to try to pay off this debt while he deals with his addiction because right now he's dragging this whole thing down until he deals with agree that it's an addiction. So it's more like of a habit to them, but you know, that it is. And here's the thing. And I think this is so true. You know, when something has got a hold on you, when the people who love you most are saying, you know, this is making me uncomfortable or this is really causing a problem in our relationship and they can't stop. Like they, that's what, Oh, even if it's just a couple of drinks, if you say, Hey, this is important to me and it's making me uncomfortable and it's making me feel unsafe. It's making our finances in disarray. Even if it's two drinks a night, if a person is still struggling to get control over that, there is a problem there. I'm not saying they're like an all, you know, I'm not that person that can say that, but wouldn't you agree if you can't just say, okay, yeah, I can, I can stop that behavior or I can get a hold of that. That denotes that there is some sort of an issue there, a control issue that they're struggling with. And so if you see it, you've got the advantage of saying, I see that he doesn't see it, but I see it and the counselor sees it. I, I cannot keep playing into that and keep feeding into that by giving him large sums of money. Like $500 a month is a lot of money, no matter how you slice it out. Um, is he working full time? Yes, he works full time. I work full time. I also have two jobs as well. Do you guys have kids? Yes, we have two toddlers. Oh my goodness. Have you sat down with him real seriously and went, listen, I care about this family. I don't want to see my kids lose their dad to this addiction. Are you willing to do what it takes for our family? And he says, yes, ma'am. Uh, he kind of just agrees with me. That's where it gets tense is he doesn't really know how to communicate with me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is really tough until he gets into AA or somewhere where he can start walking through that rehabilitation. It's going to be tough. And for you, you've got to be able to just step in and say, okay, these are the things that I can control. These are the parts of the equation where I can keep us safe because it's you're the adult. Now you're the functioning adult in this relationship. So it's up to you to keep your family safe, your kids safe, your finances safe, keep the safety in the home. And you have an opportunity to do that. And I, you know, just want to validate that you should not feel bad for enforcing those boundaries because it's keeping everything safe. If you let him have control of that money, it's going to put you guys in a financially unsafe situation. So that's our take on it. Oh, sorry. You're going through that. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.