He Had A Mental Breakdown...

All right. All right. All right. You want me to kick it off? Yeah, why don't you kick it off? All right, sweet. Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome back to our channel. We are super excited to be here with you all. If you don't know us, my name is Kyle. And I'm Kyanne. And we're really excited to share with you some really powerful stuff. Some stuff that has really honestly rocked our world and given us a totally new perspective, totally new understanding when it comes to life. And it's really cool, you know, something that we didn't see coming, but it's all the Lord. It's so good. So we're excited to share a lot of that with you today. We're also going to be talking a little bit more in-depth about kind of what we've been going through the past couple months. You guys may have gotten a gist of it in our last video, but we wanted to be a little bit more open and specific before leading in to the seminar, church seminar that we did. So that's kind of like what this is, is like a reflection over what's been going on in our marriage, going through the school of life, and kind of what happened after that, during it, and everything we learned. Yeah, it's the process, you know, what we went through and the understanding and the revelation we have received and now where we're going. So God is so good. The process is interesting at times and can be very hard, can be very hard, and that's okay because the Lord's in it. He's with us. So yeah, we're excited to dive in with you guys. So yeah, let's catch you up to speed with where we've been. Do you want to kind of lead into it? Well, I feel like it's more so where you have been. Which is a hundred percent accurate. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe you share because I don't want to share for you. No, and that's fair. So really over the last few months even, it has been interesting, to say the least. In my past, I'm very good at putting a mask on. I'm very good at pretending like I'm okay. Like I got it all together. Life is good. But in reality, I'm like broken inside. I'm defeated, you know, and fill in the blank. I'm in the darkness. So anyway, ever since I came to the Lord, it's like I've been delivered from that. I've been free of it, it seems like, right? Where I haven't yet really experienced that, you know, I hate to say it this way, but before getting married and you know, in our journey, you know, being married together, which is so beautiful and amazing. It's also been the most challenging thing I probably have ever had to do in my life. In the challenges, I was saying, oh, I'm good. I'm fine. I got it all together. But in reality, I'm like lost. I'm freaking out inside and all this stuff. But the problem is, and I'm sure a lot of you can probably relate to this, is I got so good at putting a mask on that I was fooling myself. I can fool myself. Where like I'll tell her I'm fine. It's fine. It's okay. Now, she doesn't know anything's wrong. I don't know anything's wrong because I actually believe I'm fine, but I know in my heart like I'm not okay, right? So it's this crazy like form of deception that I've kind of formed in my own life through all my past, you know, traumas and, you know, things in my life that caused me to put a mask on. I've gotten so good at it that I can fool myself in believing I'm okay when I'm really not. So that's kind of how the last few months have been where, you know, things would come up in our marriage, just like in any marriage, things that honestly we should have really been able to figure out fairly quickly and, you know, come back together fairly quickly on. But I wasn't able to do that because I was not being honest. I was not being vulnerable with where I was really at, not just to her, but even to myself, you know. And the first thing the Lord's really shown me is in order to be vulnerable to other people, you first need to be vulnerable with yourself. You need to know what's really going on, where your wounds are at, and in that you can be vulnerable to others. What I was mostly struggling with would be obviously finances and providing and leading. I know in our last video we've had some people commenting, like, I don't get it. Why is the man supposed to leave? And if you're not a Christian, you're not, you know, if you don't really believe in the Lord and how he, you know, calls us to live, it's totally understandable. The man's supposed to lead, be the head of the household, just as Jesus is the head of the church, right? And in that, this is Ephesians 5.25, by the way, in that we have a role and a responsibility to provide for our wife, our kids, our family, and all that. So in the worldly perspective and worldly understanding of providing, it's financial, right? But really when it comes down to the biblical understanding of the man being the head of household, it's not just necessarily providing financially, it's more so providing spiritually. Being the head of household, pointing your wife to Jesus, your family to Jesus, just as Jesus points us to the Father, right? And that's the role we're supposed to take. So in that, it kind of sounds very simple, but it's actually a lot more challenging than I thought it was going to be. And when I wasn't doing the best at it, I was beating myself up on it and then putting on a mask saying I'm fine, and it led more into this, you know, the problems between us. And then on top of that finances, I have a stronghold in my life of finances, always have. The Lord is working on that very heavily right now, which is a blessing. That on top of leading, kind of failing in both categories in a way, really just kind of beat me up and put me in a place of, you know, I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, I'm not, you know, I just wasn't, yeah, yeah, I wasn't in a place where I was, I was me. I was in a place where I was, you know, old me, pre-Jesus. But yeah, I was just really frustrated, angry, pissed at God for the first time in my life, you know, ever since coming to the Lord. Just kind of mad at the world and, but all at the same time, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. So it's just been a crazy, crazy season of not being fine, but saying I'm fine. And then her, she's just left in the dark, and she has no idea what to do, what to say, all this stuff because I'm over here, like, I'm fine. Yeah, and obviously from his actions and just like his overall beingness, I knew something was wrong. He just wasn't communicating any of this until like a few weeks ago. Until my breakdown and breakthrough. Yeah. Yeah, so it's been quite a rough couple months, but I mean this is, it's also really beautiful because like if Kyle never went through this, he would have never gotten all of these revelations of putting on a mask and being angry with God and all of these things like he'll share later on. He would have never known that all of this was still inside of him that needed to be brought up to deal with. They think a lot of people want to hear about people's like good things, good things about people. And then when we actually do come to you guys and share some bad things, which we are supposed to boast in our weaknesses, but it makes people very uncomfortable because they want to see this picture-perfect thing, you know. All of these things coming up is such a gift because all of this bad stuff is inside of us that needs to come out for and be exposed in order for it to leave us. Yeah. You know, if we just go around thinking we're perfect and never sharing the bad stuff, then how is any, how are you gonna be free from it? Yeah, it's gonna be putting on a mask and yeah, that's not what I'm about. All right, so we're gonna start getting into some of the testimonies from the School of Life. What the School of Life is, it's a it's basically like a week-long, I just call it a seminar. I feel like that's the best way to describe it. It's more like a week-long like gathering, like yeah, of like 20 people, 25 people in a living room. Intimate. It's beautiful. They host it at somebody's house and Brad McClendon is the person who speaks and yeah, just leads it. Basically, it's not like a structured seminar. Like this is what we're talking about this day. Like these are your outlines. I guess not like that at all. It's very spirit led. It's very like the whole time you're just talking about Jesus and who Jesus is and literally just talking about Jesus provokes so much stuff, so many stories. A lot of times Brad would just start every day asking people how they were doing or how last night was or you know what's coming up in your spirit today and from there like just seeing what people were struggling with or what people were going through. It just sparked this whole like hours of talking about Jesus. So yeah, I can't really tell you exactly what it is, but yeah, it's just like what the curriculum is. It really is just an experience of spending time beholding Jesus in community. Okay, so let's tell them about day one and day two that probably didn't feel so amazing. Yeah, two days before this whole thing started, I basically had a breakdown. Like a mental breakdown yo, and it was wild and I'm not gonna get into full details, but like I was bawling, crying, you know, I wanted to beat the crap out of a wall and a door like just everything was just beating and like weighing down on me. So I had a breakdown and then the next day, and I don't even remember what this revelation was, but I had this revelation apparently of something, but I felt like I was on top of the world and I was free and all this stuff. So we went to School of Life the day after that. I'm on top of the world. I'm like, yeah, dude, the Lord just delivered me and all this stuff. And then we sit down to get some food and it's me, her, and two other guys and we kind of just start talking and it the whole conversation just goes straight back to not where I am and like how I, the Lord's already done this amazing work and now I'm walking with the Lord in this way, but where I was. And this whole conversation is just about that basically. So all I'm hearing and all I'm feeling is criticism. Like I'm being attacked, everybody's coming at me, you know, and all this stuff starts to come back up. Defensiveness, pride, you name it, whatever. The ugliness inside me was coming up and now I'm getting tense and like closed off and shutting down again, which I usually would do. And in this place, I'm just feeling like nobody's seeing what the Lord's doing and everyone's focusing on how the last few months have been and not to just forget about the last few months. You know, I know it's been rough and like she hasn't really been able to express her emotions and how she's feeling about it. But anyways, long story short, I just felt attacked. I got defensive. I shut down and yeah, it was a rough night. It was a really rough night. I mean, we came home and I was just pissed off, you know, it was like everything was coming back like full force, like tenfolds. I'll preface this with saying that earlier that day Brad had told us expect some ugly things to start manifesting and he uses the word manifest a lot, which I never like using that word because it's so intertwined into New Age. But basically what manifest means is to show up. Right. So when if we refer to anything as to manifest, it basically means like when this darkness is coming to the surface and I'm like, yeah, like so I was straight-up manifesting this ugliness, right, in this moment. So he warned us that it was gonna come and we had already talked about how when that darkness comes up and when you start manifesting just ugliness, that's actually a sign that Jesus is moving closer to you because you know, there can't be any darkness when there is light. Yeah, so Jesus is coming closer and something around you is provoking you to be angry or defensive or prideful and instead to look at it, okay, actually Jesus is here because all this ugliness is showing up and he wants it to leave me. So I kind of had that mindset because that's I was clinging on to that that I knew that God was in all of this mess that was happening the first night. So I think that's something you need to know before like the rest of the story because if you look at it as just like a big ugly thing, then you can't really see how Jesus was actually in this. So like low-key I'm kind of excited that he's all like getting crushed and manifesting because I know Jesus is doing something and wants to deliver him from something. Obviously everything that happened still hurt me and was painful to experience but also trying to cling to the truth that Jesus is in this and he will deliver my husband of whatever is going on. Right, we we ended up coming home. I was pissed off. I said a lot of bad things I shouldn't have said. I even slept on the couch, which we promised we'd never sleep you know on the couch or even if we're fighting or whatever like we'd always fix it before we go to bed. And yeah, I was just in like a really like shut down place. I didn't even want to go back to school of life. Yeah, I wasn't going and it was like all this stuff was coming up and then it was in a place where like I was giving attention to it and I was partnering with it and like that's when the enemy can really come in and use it. Whereas Jesus is trying to use it at the same time and we choose who we partner with when this ugliness is manifested. So anyway, yeah, it was a really rough night. And and then we came back the next day and I was just I didn't want to be there. I wanted to honestly, I felt like I was gonna just bawl like I was pissed. So then you have the next day we go back to school of life and then we go through the whole session the morning session. And then afterwards, you know, I'm still closed off not in a good place and I got a call or a text from my buddy Tyler who was like, hey, you know I was talking to Brad and he doesn't really know what's going on but he just wants to meet with you 30 minutes before next session if you want to do that, you know I highly recommend doing that and Tyler knew Brad before so they have a relationship where you know he understands who this guy is that where I really don't and this is where everything changed because I sat with this guy for maybe 15 to 30 minutes and You know I'm expecting him to like start telling me like what I'm doing wrong and how I need to change and like what I need to fix and all of these things and I sit with this guy and he Literally just like has such like a warm presence about him and he's just like looking at me and just like smiling He's like, what's up, dude? And he's a big dude from like, Louisiana, you know big southern, dude Yeah, and he's just like what's up dude and I'm like pissed off and all that he's just smiling because the same thing it's like He sees the Lord's in it if I'm manifesting this ugliness, it's because Jesus is coming near Jesus is there his light is bringing it up. So he's just loving on me and he's just like dude like what's up? you know and I'm like starting to tell him and he you know, it's just they're just like telling me he's like dude like Trying to tell me like this stuff like Jesus is here and I'm not hearing it So he just stops and he just looks at me. He's just like You know, you're an awesome guy And I'm just like what I'm pissed off right now I'm not an awesome guy right now. And this guy just looks at me. He's like, you know, you're an awesome guy I'm like and my eyes just start watering up. I'm like Like what and this dude, he sees my eyes watering up He just goes come here and he grabbed big dude big arms grabs my head and like bear hugs my head like this and just hugs me and I just start Crying waterworks coming down and I'm like trying to be tough and he's like dude is cool Like, you know, and he's just loving hugs me for like a solid 30 seconds. That's a long hug, dude I'm just like in his arms just crying like this stranger, but I felt the father's love I really did for like in a way I had never experienced before and I just realized this guy He wasn't trying to fix me and change me He was listening trying to actually like care for me and love on me in a way that I've never experienced and in that I started Getting delivered from the junk that I was holding on to really tightly and that was weighing me down that started to be released and That's when I realized it's like You know the stuff that he was saying the day before all started to make sense and then everything we talked about that whole day added on to it and the connection started coming together because I was receiving understanding But I needed to love to receive the love that opened me up to receive the understanding That allowed Jesus to give me the revelation that causes the transformation in our lives But a lot of times we try to go straight to the understanding and the revelation We missed the love and the love is really what sets us free what delivers us which shows us You know how we can overcome the ugliness inside of us Which shows us Jesus in the ugliness that allows us to see it as a blessing not something happening to us But for us and it all started coming together I'm like, oh my goodness and everything changed after that. Yeah, but it was wild. You should share about the vulnerability. Oh, yeah Yeah, so he said this and this was huge after that He shared this with me and it all just clicked and he goes he goes, you know, you're wounded I go. Yeah, I know I'm wounded. He goes. Oh good. He thought I was gonna say no. He's like, oh good He goes do they know you're wounded I'm like, well, I mean, I don't know. Do you know you're wounded? That you're wounded he goes let me put it this way I have a wound on my side and then you come up to me You're like what's up, dude, and you smack me on the side just as like, you know, we're boys like what's up, man? And you hit me in the wound. I'm gonna slap your hand down. I'm gonna pull away I'm gonna I'm gonna be in pain and I'm gonna be mad at you, right? But if I tell you hey, listen Kyle, I got a wound here. What are you gonna do? Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? If I tell you and I'm vulnerable about my wounds and I humble myself and I tell you I have a wound here You're gonna humble yourself into compassion and be like, oh, are you okay? And in this place Jesus can be in the center of it because we're not, you know Hiding things or you know batting heads or whatever, you know blindly not really knowing what the other person is going through But vulnerability opens up the floor for Jesus to come in where we can have compassion and empathy and just love on each other And in a way that's truly, you know free So he said that to me and I was like dang like that's a game-changer and he was just like so next time this stuff Comes up you got it like for with Cayenne and I I'm feeling this stuff coming up. I got a look at her I'm like, hey, baby. I just gotta let you know. I got a wound here. I don't know exactly what it is I don't you know, I don't need to know I just know I'm feeling criticized, but I know you I know you love me Okay, so I know that's not what you're you mean now help me to hear what you're saying Because obviously my wound is being hit and I'm feeling this way But I want to I want to understand where you're coming from not in a way of defensiveness But in a way like baby, I'm vulnerable. I got a wound here. Help me to understand what's going on Why I'm feeling this way I don't know but like I know that's not what you mean Help me to hear you and then in that gives her opportunity like oh, I'm so sorry I didn't realize that what I meant to say was this to say it in a different way That can help us really achieve You know the purpose of the conversation. Yeah, and that was really powerful. We got to experience it that night Yeah it was like the first time in a couple months where I was able to just fully communicate how I was feeling without you being defensive and it was like Really really powerful and that's what I'm saying Like even though the last two months have been such a struggle if none of that ugliness was there and wasn't coming up before school of life You would have been in there with a mask. Yeah, like I'm good. I'm good. God is good All of us needed to be exposed in order for us to work through it and now I know it's not gonna be Perfect and it hasn't been there has been challenges still but there is so much improvement and there's awareness there that Is just I mean it just changes things Completely and yeah, like you now have more authority in that area You know, yeah, and that's one of the things and she alluded to it and I did as well but just to really like nail this in because for me, this is the biggest game changer is Understanding that like Jesus is in the storms Like when these things come up and things happen in our lives and it brings up this Frustration anger bitty bitterness and the jealousy hatred Judgment, whatever it is. It brings this stuff up to the service surface It's Jesus coming near and the light is exposing it and it's coming up So it's giving you an opportunity to see Jesus in it because it's only coming up if Jesus is near, right? It's his light that brings that it brings it out of the darkness. So when this stuff's coming up, it's not oh It's oh Hello, Jesus Right, but Jesus is here to help you take authority over it so you can be delivered from it That way when it comes up you automatically take authority over it, right? It's not taking authority over you as the enemy wants it to so when it comes up, it's oh, hey Jesus What do you want to do about this? And Jesus, you know, he's he's also peace like peace is a person joy is a person righteousness is a person Right. These are all Jesus. So like patience person. So sometimes we need patience and it's like oh I'm impatient. Oh, hey Jesus. You're meeting me because I'm impatient. That means you're here. Show me that your patience I'm meeting I'm fellowshipping with patients right now, or I'm not feeling peace That means Jesus is here and I could fellowship with peace Right and we can fellowship with the Lord and take authority over this junk and he will deliver us From it if we just choose him instead of choosing the enemy and being like that it is and stay in that place It's oh, hey Jesus. What do you want to do about it? Let's take authority of this together and seeing it as once again a blessing that's happening to us Not something that's happening for it's not something that's happening to us All right, well probably have to wrap up the video soon so how about we share so many golden I know how about we share like one golden nugget each of us and then if you guys want we can do a part two Where we kind of go through more of our notes with you guys Yeah, it's all about love people oh my gosh you see how big he is no, he's a monster you're a monster All right, we should probably wrap this up Love you, and yes, Jesus loves you more