Spanish-American War ¦ Animated History

Anything to report? Nope, all is calm. Wait, there. Is that an explosive mine? Oh, that? That's a banana rat. Ugh, that thing's the size of a doberman. Yeah, disgusting, isn't it? Well, everything's fine then, yep. Yep. Oh, did I mention I retire in two days? Oh, really? That's great. Remember when Spain was the most dominant power in the Western Hemisphere? This was them in 1790. A hundred years later, not so much. And revolutionaries in Cuba wanted to be added to the list of former colonies in 1895, but Spain was having none of it. Enter General Valeriano Wyler, the governor of Cuba, tasked with crushing the rebellion. He's perhaps best known for his re-concentration camps, but like any M. Night Shyamalan film, his came with a twist. I see dead people. He didn't detain rebels or undesirables. His camps detained the Cuban people. 1.5 million Cubans, one-third of the population, were at gunpoint, forced to abandon their homes for these camps that, surprise, had inadequate food, inadequate supplies, inadequate housing, medical treatment, basically everything. And 400,000 Cubans died earning Wyler the nickname The Butcher. Who gave him this name? These guys. American newspaper publishers like Joseph Pulitzer and his New York World, and William Randolph Hearst and his New York Journal. And these guys hated each other just as much as they loved selling papers using yellow journalism, or sensationalism and crude exaggeration. And readers couldn't get enough of the patriotic Cubans fighting against the tyrannical and sometimes tawdry Spanish. But the papers and the public weren't enough to have the US intervene in the Cuban War for independence. You would need the businesses and politicians too. See, the late 1800s was all about imperialism, finding new markets and people to, ahem, trade with you. The US had dabbled in this, sending Commodore Matthew Perry to go open Japan and helping Sanford Dole to rearrange the power structure in Hawaii. But why go all the way over there when there's a perfectly good, Civil War-ravaged island in your own backyard? Many in Congress felt that if the US was going to be a big boy country, it was going to have to start poking its nose in international affairs. So when the USS Maine was sent to protect the American interests in Cuba, namely sugar plantations, and mysteriously blew up on February 15th, 1898... The people were like... Big business was like... Warhawks were like... Mark Twain was like... No. And Hertz and Pulitzer were like... Hertz, you old hugga-mugga, did you hear about Havana? Went kaboom, whole ship's out of print. You afternoon-ified on the why? Why? Why's it matter? We're gonna sell a lot of grey ladies. Ah, sure are, you old gooby windbag. Foreflusher. Monswatcher. Fusty lungs. Are we gonna do this or what? Yellow journalism was in full effect. Crisis is at hand, Spanish treachery. Yeah, uh, what's that small font say? Oh, so you don't really know it was Spain? Maine explosion caused by bomb or torpedo. Oh my god, you know for sure? Question mark. You can print anything with a question mark. Destruction of the warship Maine was the work of the enemy. Then why are you issuing a reward for the evidence? Is it because you don't have any evidence? It's because you don't have any evidence, isn't it? In this headline, it's a quote by then Assistant Secretary of the Navy Theodore Roosevelt. In case you didn't know, Theodore Roosevelt had already been a sickly child that manned his way to health, a Harvard-educated naval war historian, a cowboy rancher in the badlands of North Dakota, the police commissioner of New York City, and at that point the Assistant Secretary of the Navy where he super-duper pushed for building up the fleet and protecting interests in the Pacific and Caribbean. Foreshadowing. That was until war broke out and he said, peace, I'm going to war, resigned and started the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment or the Rough Riders because when you're Teddy Roosevelt, that's the kind of thing you do. Anyway, war had been declared against Spain by Congress and signed by vampire-looking President William McKinley only the third time in American history that war had been declared. And to this declaration of war, the Teller Amendment was added that said, no, we're not trying to make Cuba a colony. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe. So the fighting began on the other side of the planet. The modern U.S. warships, thanks Teddy, pulverized the outdated Spanish fleet at Manila Bay in the Philippines then gave America control of Spain's Pacific outpost. Back in the Western Hemisphere, over 18,000 troops and volunteers were deployed to Cuba under the leadership of General William Shafter, an elderly 300-pound-plus Civil War veteran that mainly sweated like a pig the whole war. The fighting was brief but fierce with the most famous at San Juan Hill where Teddy Roosevelt and his band of Rough Riders fought tooth and nail, inch for inch to finally take the hill and find it was already taken. Buffalo soldiers! Oh, hey, Teddy. What are you guys doing here? You serious? We've been here for a while now. Uh-huh. Well, this is awkward. Yeah. Some of your reporters have been waiting up here with us. Hope that's okay. Yeah, sure. Hey, would you mind taking a photo of me and my men? Little keepsake. No problem. Six weeks after it started, the fighting was over. A splendid little war in which only 385 Americans died from combat and another 2,000 died from disease and other causes. It's probable that more soldiers died from rotten canned meat than fighting. Wonder if anybody's gonna do anything about that later. And now it was time to end the war with the Treaty of Paris. Seriously, another Treaty of Paris? You guys need to pick a new place to make peace. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. I got this. You don't need to bother coming in here. Um, are you sure? Yeah, just a bunch of legal stuff. Go enjoy your independence. You earned it. Uh, I don't know. I kind of think I should be there. Why? I already passed the Teller Amendment saying we're totally not gonna make you a colony. Well, I gotta go. Spain's getting antsy. Hey, what do you call this? Jamón? I don't know. Tastes like ham to me. It's delicious. I can't stop eating it. All right, buddy. Here's the skinny. You're free. Spain's completely pulling out. And we're gonna pull in. I got this plant amendment that says that I have the right to intervene in you for the preservation of Cuban independence. Yada, yada, yada. That cool? Oh yeah, and you can't allow foreign powers in Cuba for military purposes. Except for us. We get to lease a base in you forever. But you're totally independent. Oh. And do me a favor. Tell the Philippines, Guam, and Puerto Rico they're mine now, too. Say what?