A DEMON ALTER!? - MEET THE ALTERS - MARA | Dissociative Identity Disorder | DissociaDID

it's my [ __ ] turn i'm not supposed to be doing this my name is mara i'm the first persecutor to be on the channel although technically i'm a persecutor protector i'm rehabilitating but kai has been preparing to film an update video that everybody's been asking about that meant that they wanted to put on makeup today and that appears to be a positive trigger so i try to make myself look a little bit more like myself there's nothing i could do about my hair kai is standing right over my shoulder i'll be nice just let me one of the questions that kyle was gonna answer is who's different in the system i don't think that any of you know who i am i know that mara that i was before made a tick tock once but i've used since then i fused in 2020 sugar and [Music] maybe it was after 2020. um well both previous parts of me split off in 2020. we either fused in 2020 later on or in 2021 i don't really care and i don't think it matters i kept the name mara because i like it i used to be mara and doll i don't think doll was ever introduced on the channel how could we we weren't here the original mara was a fictive of somebody else's original character that was yikes it was a character that was portrayed in somebody's tick tocks that we watched a lot in 2020 to cope and to escape and she came up on our feed over and over and over and over again and she had an original character and that original character was called mara and their original character was a sleep paralysis demon and the creator represented her creatively in a way that portrayed it as a darker side of her taking over her telling her that she would fail or mocking her those sorts of things the idea of having your body possessed all very familiar feelings for d.i.d the id isn't possession that's [ __ ] now god put me here humans put me here you think of yourselves as so insignificant that you would need a god or a devil or a hell to cause eternal torment like you're not doing it already if you think you can't put demons in someone's mind you're wrong i'm living proof that no this character's source was a strong powerful figure very polarizing and in that time and we needed that we absorbed it and there was doll and doll integrated fused with mara to make me mara but different and i kept my name kaia being so close to me makes me tired i don't usually get to stay in the body long i also usually have a lot more energy than this right now i feel like i'm being smothered in a warm blanket i don't want to go yet i didn't even say anything um okay [Applause] hi baby hey hi can you come here i'm dissociating thanks for coming up to see me how did you know that from downstairs oh you come here already have you meow kitten hi kitten thank you did you know something was going on yeah comfy girl thank you that helped thank you quick girl you okay wow okay um hi it's kaya yeah i'm still here baby okay um well i wasn't expecting that to happen last thing i remember is putting on makeup and it was not this makeup so i guess mara is interested on being on the channel the more you know um i guess i should explain victims uh mara isn't effective anymore because she fused with another altar called doll um i'm not sure how much or really anything of what she said or how much we were actually going to keep in if she has said stuff about this but basically mara is the fusion result of two altars one that was called mara and one that was called doll and the mara that came out of that fusion has kept the name mara so there's like maro version one infused with doll to make mara version two um mara version one was an introject so ulcers and systems can have interject alters that can be either factives or fictives and that essentially is when a system who is experiencing something traumatic or very very high stress that the brain is unable to cope with with the resources that it already has or the alters that it already has it may absorb i guess traits or identities of people external to the system so the way i've described this before has been if a child for example has watched a lot of let's say superhero movies or superhero comics growing up and they are being abused and they wish they had a superhero to come and save them and if they had that superhero their favorite superhero there they would feel so much braver and so much more able to escape the situation they just want something familiar something they feel connected to the brain maybe use that inspiration that feeling of familiarity and comfort safety strength whatever traits are needed to internalize that in an altar that fragments from the consciousness some introjects are for caretaking purposes to help soothe the system some are protectors to take on difficult experiences and protect the body and the system some are persecutors and may mirror either how a system feels about itself or abuse that is occurring or perhaps very negative internal self thoughts persecutors can exist to further abuse that's already happening or trauma that's already happening introjects can be either fictives like i mentioned for example a superhero or a very common one is harley quinn which doesn't surprise me because very very strong female character who is repeatedly abused and gaslit by a maniac and is just very strong very powerful very capable but also feels like she's crazy so somebody who feels that way and who is experiencing severe abuse may internalize it that results in the next fragmentation of the consciousness using that comfort character as something that will bring comfort to the system that's fictives but factives are also interjects factives are when alters are formed from a real life source like a real life person this could be for example a best friend or a family figure it could be a historical figure it could be anything anyone we've heard of factives who are factors of people that the system found safe and reassuring um to be there internally to help them all the time and sometimes there are interjective abusers where an author of the abuser is split into the system or fragments into the system um and continues the abuse or trauma from inside your own head we covered this a little bit in our video and persecutors and our most recent video the one i did on um persecutors hurting littles or other alters hurting littles but the thing that's important to note about victims fictives and factives is that all of them are different from their source material so the source material is what it's based off of so for example the character or the real life person who's not the alter some fictives and factives may share certain similarities with their source like just the way they look or just the personality or something like that and that can change over time others are really nothing like their source material at all they might just look like them and that's it or you know just have an idea of oh this is why i am the way i am this is probably come from this material or that that we used to watch as a kid and you know that makes sense as to why i am the way i am doesn't necessarily make you a fictive type thing and other people can be almost exact copies of their source but almost always i can't say always because i can't speak for everybody i don't i don't know everybody i don't know every system's experience but it can change over time because as soon as that split happens the altar is no longer living on the same trajectory path as the source material their experiences will shape them in a different way from the character um they may have a backstory from the source they may not we do have a video on victims if you would like to see it so for example interesting actually two of our authors that are demons so mara is a demon and demon is a demon demon is integrated fused twice and one of the original parts was an introductory one of our abusers and actually if you followed us on tiktok i have started to use tiktok to speak out about some trauma stuff because it's helping me it's helping me um and it's helping the system as well but one of the things i mentioned was about three men or boys uh coming uninvited to my home and it ended with them taking their phone taking my phone and locking me in the boot or if you're american in the trunk of their car and yeah one of those men one of those boys is one of the ones we had an introject of and that particular boy harassed and abused us from i'm okay baby i know she's jumped up on the chair with me i'm okay thank you sweetie yeah we don't need to talk about that but essentially he was an abuser actively in our life from the age of like 11 or 12 all the way through to past 18 and uh the abuse dropped off a bit like after leaving school sorry this has been a really [ __ ] dissociated stream of consciousness this this video like i've filmed today accidentally surprisingly i think it's probably like midnight or something anyway i don't even know where our phone is i have to take this off her face but it's kind of like what this is like for us all tools will front we don't necessarily know what they've been doing we've got an idea of what they've been doing there'll be a fight for a front to switch the association will happen um and then a lot of time i'll reflect and try and figure out what happened why it happened who was involved and their history you know why do we have these alters in our system how did it help us how does it help us now do these alters need help how can i help what is healthy for us will this particular alter be involved in therapy is there a chance that they're gonna front again today can i leave a note for them today can i still feel them around the front if i can that's a good way to try and establish a line of communication or at least get familiar with their energy so if i feel that energy around at any other points when i feel switchy i have an idea that oh it could be that altar that's switched out this time it's i don't have all the answers about the id or osdd or even about my system i know a lot and i'm lucky to but i'm by no means an expert and we are still figuring this out ourselves and probably will be for the rest of our life and i expect to be in therapy for the rest of our life and i know if our journey through it can help some people then i'm really flipping glad like that's great but also like if we can spread awareness about it then that's great too but this is a an insight into stuff i'm honestly quite surprised lamarra even was interested in filming a video i don't know if she just wanted to freak me out i don't know what she said except beyond vaguely um it's very unnerving i'm sorry i keep looking at myself in the viewfinder because this makeup is unnerving me um i do actually have a drawing of mara uh which i can put put up that we did recently and if you if you don't know how we've been sitting there i've been sitting like this the whole time with my knees drawn up to my chest i'm sitting on a box i don't really know what else to say there's been like 30 minutes of footage i don't know if anything is even usable but ending note [ __ ] that guy in particular and mara's doing a lot better um she's more just chaotic now instead of like she's destructive in a chaotic way rather than in a super duper damaging way or life-threatening way or anything um so if this was either to actually try and reach out or just as a way that she knew she could get my attention then i am happy and proud of you mara for making that step um in the least condescending way possible and you're probably going to watch this if it ever goes up on the channel because you made it so if you do the antar app on our phone it's one of the first apps it will probably the first app on the home screen of the phone is where we've all been communicating in like a text chat please um join in you can say whatever you want demon uses it sometimes as well dark uses it actually hasn't even used it maybe it's just dark that used it i don't know if demons use it dark has used it um and you can talk to us there if you want to and yeah thank you for filming and your makeup is cool looks very cool intense sure but cool okay everybody that's probably like the rawest insight you're gonna get for a while so enjoy it i'm sorry my back is ready yeah right i'll see you guys later hope that you're having a good day or evening i'm sorry i keep it's really freaking me out all right uh see you later oh and i was smelling this candle to ground it's on the floor near boris if we ever need it it's tropical fruit smell good idea for a grounding box which is another video i was going to make a video on grounding box i've just been talking and talking talking bye guys lots of love everybody bye [Music] [Applause] [Music] you