How to spot an emotionally manipulative apology

It's been a long time coming. I owe you an apology. I've made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment. I just want to say sorry. I want to talk to you guys in this video. It's been so long. The YouTube apology and its inherent disingenuousness has become its own genre to the point that people are cosplaying as them. The apology video is such a part of our zeitgeist that public relations professional Hunter Frederick went on the record to advise, the key to a good apology video is authenticity and owning up to the mistakes made. It also helps in the YouTube sense to turn monetization off so it doesn't look like a money grab. Bad apology videos are longer than 10 minutes, he says, and overly emotional videos tend to get lost with the viewers. I have no shame in admitting I have watched like hours and hours of apology videos. I think there's something inherently fascinating about them, which is probably why they rack up so many views. But almost all of the ones that I've seen are pretty emotionally manipulative. The only exception, in my opinion, being Jenna Marbles, who made a 47 minute video, genuinely taking accountability for her lack of knowledge of how to take care of a fish. Incredibly sorry. I did not mean to disappoint anybody or make anyone mad or do wrong by any animals. So again, I really apologize. And I hope that if you're looking into getting some fishies, just don't do what I did. Don't just don't do it. And her 12 minute video acknowledging the racist things she's done in her past. But that was never my intention. It's not OK. It's shameful. It's awful. I wish it wasn't part of my past. And the reason I think Jenna's apology videos are genuine is because she doesn't try to make excuses for her behavior. She actually seems to reflect on how it's problematic, own up to it and vow to do better. I mean, I don't know Jenna personally, but from what we can see of her behavior post apology online, she does what she says. Even when it's leaving her channel to reflect on how she can move forward. I'm not sure that I want to continue doing stuff on this channel. And I don't want to put anything out in the world. It's going to hurt anybody. So I need to be done. On the other hand, most of the apology videos I've seen have the telltale signs of emotional manipulation, a huge one being excessive crying. I mean, there are compilation videos online where people edit down an apology video to just the crying and sometimes it's two to five minutes. Which is an odd choice when the video has been clearly edited and you could have taken all of that out. I mean, I think it's fine to say you were crying. I was like sobbing all day on Thursday. But to showcase full minutes of you sobbing when you're supposed to be taking accountability for something, that's called weaponizing your tears and trying to gain the sympathy and forgiveness of your audience through emotional manipulation. You mean so much more to me than that. You guys are worth so much more than that. And you guys are my family. These videos also heavily dodge responsibility, often placing it on a third party. As a result of all of the poisonous lies that were fed to me by Shane Dawson and Jeffree Star. Or on their humanity and imperfection. I'm an imperfect person. I have no emotional outlets in my real life. But I'm not strong all the time. Now, years later, I look back at that and I've talked about this before, but when I say I hate that person, I mean it in the most intense way possible. I hate that person so much. That person was filled with sadness, filled with anger about their own issues, in the closet, constantly projecting on others. Just like, I don't know, just that person is someone who I don't like seeing. Or, you know, they acknowledge some agency, but still, they're ultimately a victim too. Yes, I'm a grown woman. I'm smart. I can usually spot deceit and manipulation a mile away. But my guard was down from being heartbroken, and I allowed myself to be worked by Shane, Jeffree, and others. It feels especially duplicitous when the apologizer follows up with some public charity move that is so obviously damage control. For anyone watching, I want you to know you are not alone. And most of the time, crisis passes. So if you or anyone you know feels alone or trapped, I encourage anyone to call or even text the Suicide or Crisis hotline. One girl even made an apology video for her apology video, which is an inception that I don't think needs to exist. And the reason why these videos don't ring true for us is because we can sense that there's no intention on the apologizer's part to change their behavior. It's a performative, purely self-preservational move. And now that I said that I'm going to take accountability for my actions, I really hope that you'll like, comment, and subscribe. And if you forgive me, I also have some new merch. So I hope you'll buy that too. Hey, Anna, sorry to interrupt, but we're putting in lunch orders, like, now. Oh, oh, okay. Um, um, uh, can you order me the salmon truffle sashimi and a green salad dressing on the side? Uh, okay, uh, where was I? You're at the print script where you cry for, like, 20 seconds. Okay, okay. But I think what we can learn from the YouTube apology video phenomenon is something that we often overlook in our own personal lives. I mean, how often have you gotten into a conflict with, like, a family member, a friend, or a partner, and the problematic behavior in question, whether it's perpetuated by you or them, keeps repeating itself time and time again. An apology with no intention or action or reflection to fix the root of a behavioral problem is basically taking an L so the other person shuts the hell up. Whether it's intended or not, apologies without changed behavior can't be manipulation. And we know this. We've probably done this as early as when we were kids. Like, when we said, oh, we're so sorry. Next time, we'll for sure do our homework before we go outside and play. We've had this done to us in relationships, when someone chronically cheats, and they promise it's never going to happen again, and they're so sorry they hurt you. We may even have this in our family dynamic. When we have a parent who promises to show up this time, and when this time doesn't happen, they ask for forgiveness and another chance. For the record, I don't think anyone's bad. I don't think anyone does this to be a bad person. I think it's really rare to meet someone who's actually trying to inflict harm on someone else. But intention doesn't matter as much as impact. You know, I could intend not to kill someone, but if I do it, do you think my apology is going to make a difference? Sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. It was an accident. Just wake up, and next time, I promise I'll stop choking you when you ask me to. I mean, to be fair, you didn't ask me. You just kind of looked at me. You didn't say anything. I mean, you were being choked. But still, I'm sorry, Maddie. Just wake up. And this is the difference between a genuine apology and one that's manipulative. Are we willing to examine ourselves and the issue at hand? If we're the person who's hurting someone, are we willing to put down our defenses and hear them? And more importantly, are we willing to put in the effort to change? Because, I mean, we're all going to mess up at one point or another. I mean, we have hurtful biases and behaviors and patterns and conflict in this world is inevitable. But the only thing in our control when that conflict happens is how we choose to react, how we choose to integrate that into our lives moving forward, and how genuine we can be when we say, I'm sorry, and I promise I'll do better. I'm Anna Akana, and thank you so much to the patrons for sponsoring this video. Also, thank you to Squarespace for partnering for today's video. As you guys probably know by now, Daddy Squarespace has an all-in-one platform to build a beautiful online presence and run your business. Complete with marketing tools and daddy analytics to have your website or online store be the best she can be. For those of you who love to create audio content, you can use audio blocks, which allows you to embed audio on your site and tag the audio for iTunes when your audio block is placed in a blog. Plus, you can have multiple contributors receive selective access to your site's website manager. 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