Narcissistic & Borderline splitting

Hi everyone, this is Athena from Courage Coaching. Thank you so much for stopping by today. If you are new to my channel then please feel free to click on the subscribe button in order to get notifications for any new videos that I upload. Now in today's video I wanted to talk about something known as splitting. Now splitting is something that people with narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder do and it is something that can create a lot of problems in relationships with their loved ones. For people with a healthy development of self they can recognise in a situation when there is good and when there is bad. And also they will understand that these two things can at times overlap. They can understand that even when something bad happens it doesn't erase all the good that is already present. Good and bad essentially can coexist at the same time in the same person or in the same situation. The presence of good and bad at the same time doesn't create a sense of instability. However for people that have NPD or BPD it is not possible for them to experience good and bad together. They find it very hard to bring the presence of good and bad into a cohesive whole. Now splitting essentially means that someone's thinking doesn't allow them to integrate the good and bad and these two things are kept separate. So situations and people they are either all good or all bad and they cannot exist at the same time. Splitting is a defence mechanism used by those with narcissism or borderline that allows these individuals to not feel any uncomfortable feelings by the presence of good and bad together. When they actually split these two and they keep these separate, completely separate, they protect their sense of self. Now underlying the concept of splitting is a cycle which is known as idealisation and devaluation and this is something that narcissists or borderlines do quite a lot. Idealisation is when overly positive qualities are attributed to a person or a situation whereas in devaluation a person or a situation is viewed as completely flawed or possessing overly negative qualities. Now people on the narcissistic or borderline spectrum frequently switch between idealisation and devaluation or they split as a way to rectify any feelings of uneasiness that they may experience in themselves. So when you see splitting with a narcissist this happens when the narcissist is really mad at you for some wrong they think you have committed. Although they may have loved and cared about you before this thing happened, now that you have done something bad that they don't like they can become very very nasty. They can become brutally mean and they must not only remove you from the pedestal that they had you on but they also have to bring you down to a level of worthlessness as a person through devaluation. This can be when the narcissist is the most brutal. Now this happens with borderlines as well. They will say very hurtful things when they're devaluing you and they will even seek out other people to pit against you. All of this is done in their attempts to completely devalue you as a person so they can feel better about themselves. So when you are bad you're right at bottom and it doesn't matter what good you may have done it doesn't matter in that moment because the bad thing you've done has hurt them so much has bruised their ego so much so they will do everything they can to make sure that you are worthless that you are nothing in order for them to keep their sense of inflated ego where it is rather than for you to do something bad and threaten the way that they actually want to perceive themselves. Unfortunately when splitting happens and when you are in a relationship with a narcissist or a borderline you can't actually do anything about this unless you choose to leave the relationship which would probably be the healthiest thing for you because to be in this constant state of idolization and devaluation it sends you crazy you know it erodes your self-esteem it minimizes the way that you are in this world you're not able to authentically be you you're not allowed to make any mistakes you're not allowed to have a negative opinion about something right you have to remember that when you're in a relationship with somebody who does have a personality disorder and who does devalue you and who does find it really really difficult to look at you as a whole person with this isn't somewhere that you will feel safe you need to be in a relationship with somebody that can look at you as a person that has good and bad sides and can still love you just the same so if you are in a close relationship with somebody who has borderline personality or narcissism whether this is your partner whether this is your sibling whether this is your parent just remember that you have the right to choose whether you want to be in this relationship you are an adult you can walk away any time and protect yourself you deserve to be around a person who accepts you wholeheartedly who allows you to have your good and bad days who allows you to have disagreements who allows you to have your own voice don't ever shrink yourself down for somebody else to feel better you need to be authentically you and allow yourself to have your voice so if you are caught up in a relationship and you aren't able to escape for whatever reason then just try and remember to stick to the person that you truly feel you are don't allow them to change the way that you are in this world don't allow them to constantly devalue you so you are worth much more so don't forget that if you have experience with this and you would like to share what you have been through then please do so in the comments below the video thank you so much for watching for listening today and i will see you very very soon take care