The female covert narcissist

Hi everyone, this is Athena from Courage Coaching. Thank you for joining me today. I wanted to talk about the covert narcissist, but in particular I wanted to focus on the female covert narcissist. Now this could be a wife, a partner, this could be a friend, a work colleague, this could be your teacher. Covert narcissists, just like any other narcissist, are everywhere in society. We know that covert narcissistic families, so mothers in particular, can be extremely destructive to their children's well-being. But I'm going to talk about a covert narcissist in more general terms today. And what I wanted to point out is that a covert narcissistic woman is a force to be reckoned with. They are extremely, extremely damaging because they are hidden. The word covert means hidden. So when they abuse, and when they manipulate, and when they harm others, they do it under the disguise of being kind, under the disguise of being caring. They say, I only did this for you for your own good. So covert narcissistic women are terribly devious, and especially so because they are very good at playing the victim. They are very good at being shy, and they are very good at pretending that they are sensitive, and that they are hurt, and that they can't handle anything. And if they are ever confronted about any bad behavior, they will either blame you, or they will be the victim and cry and tell you that you hurt them, and that they don't want to hear what you have to say because it's too much for them. Female covert narcissists know how to wrap people around their little finger, and they do this again and again. The healthier the individual, however, that is entangled with the covert narcissist, the quicker they are able to disentangle themselves from the covert narcissist woman's web. Now, if the person that gets entangled with a covert narcissistic woman is healthy, so doesn't have a history of abuse, they will be able to get out of that relationship a lot quicker than somebody who is, for instance, a people pleaser, or somebody who has weak boundaries, or for instance, somebody that has a very weak sense of self and isn't confident. You know, the more you suffer with low confidence, with low self-worth, the more you suffer with people pleasing, the more you notice that you don't have a very solid sense of self, the easier it will be for you to become entangled in a relationship with a covert narcissistic woman. Now, how can you tell that a woman is a covert narcissist? What are the signs that point in that direction? A covert narcissistic woman generally possesses all the traits and all the characteristics of a overt narcissist, but they are able to hide these in more devious ways. They are undeniably manipulative, they are undeniably controlling, they are non-empathetic, and more often than not, they hide behind a victim status, so they are always pulling out the victim card when things don't go their way. They take great pleasure in fooling people around them, especially intimate partners, especially their children, if they are a mother. Covert narcissistic women are extremely passive-aggressive. They are not very confident, I wouldn't say, and in most cases they are introverted and shy, but they need constant admiration and attention. They need to be told that they are wonderful, that they are loved, that they are beautiful, because they have a very fragile sense of self and they need this constant admiration and attention from others. But sadly, they are never satisfied. Nothing is ever good enough, because the void that they have inside themselves is so big that no matter how much they try to fill that void, they are not able to. So if you are entangled in a relationship with a covert narcissistic woman, you will notice that no matter what you do, it is never good enough. Even if you do absolutely everything, even if you shower her with gifts, or you do all of her favours, or you fulfil all of her dreams, there will always be something that is just not what they like. There will always be something that they want more of. And this is never ending with a covert narcissistic female. A lot of these women are very charismatic, they are very charming, and they are very good at seducing potential partners. They have a very strong sense of entitlement and neediness, and this means that they are extremely gifted when it comes to inserting themselves into people's lives. Covert narcissistic women are not always easy to spot, because they are masterful chameleons, and they can change according to their circumstances, the people they are around. They can mask their evil and manipulative behaviour very, very well. And it's only until you have been around them for a long time, in an intimate relationship, either as a partner, or either as a friend, or even if you are the daughter or the son of a covert narcissistic female. That is when you will notice how destructive their behaviour is, how insidious it is, and you will feel like something's off. And you won't always know what it is, you won't be able to put your finger on it immediately. But slowly it will reveal itself, the more you notice that some behaviours constantly repeat themselves. Now, if you were to compare a covert narcissistic woman with a man, I would say, in my personal opinion, that because women have more emotional intelligence in many ways than men, they are able to mimic other people's behaviours a lot easier. They are able to pretend to be something that they are not a lot easier. Although a lot of male narcissists, overt narcissists, are highly manipulative, I would say that a covert narcissistic woman can actually be better at manipulating, because they have higher emotional intelligence, and they can be very good at acting and emotionally manipulating others. And the reason they are much better at being manipulative is because they can turn on the waterworks whenever something doesn't go their way. They can always play the victim, they can always pull the sick card, please look after me, I don't know how I'm going to cope. They are always using emotions to manipulate others. They will use so much guilt-tripping to exploit their victims when they need something that they are not getting. They can be extremely damaging to a person's self-esteem. Covert narcissistic women have a huge level of pathological envy. They envy others so much, especially when they see that others are successful at something, or that thing that they are successful at might have been the thing that they wanted to be successful at but never managed. And if you do that, then oh my god, they will not be happy. They will try and sabotage it, or bring it down, or big themselves up to feel better. But they will not be happy for you, unless it reflects positively on them. Covert narcissistic women are also very good at isolating their victims. When they behave in bad ways and they lie consistently, they will create unhealthy dependencies in any intimate relationships that they have. And it will be very difficult to break free from this type of bond. And this bond is essentially a trauma bond. When you are entangled with a narcissistic abuser, especially a covert narcissist, you will have a very strong trauma bond to this person. And it will be very hard to break free if you do not have the appropriate support, and you don't have somebody opening your eyes to the fact that you are living in an abusive situation, that you are with somebody who is pulling the strings, who is controlling you and abusing you. So it is very important that you have somebody to support you. And if you maybe realize at a later date that you are actually entangled with such a person, don't be hard on yourself. Look after yourself. Reach out for support from people who understand narcissistic abuse, from people who understand how covert narcissists manipulate and control. This is very important because you will need all the support you can get. It is very hard for you, as somebody who has been entangled with a covert narcissistic woman, to anticipate their needs. Because in many cases, covert narcissistic women can be very unpredictable, can have very volatile emotions. But in most cases, you will notice that no matter what you do, they are never happy. Covert narcissists do their best to keep you guessing at all times. They will do things so inconsistently that you will just be so confused, and you will not know what to expect next. You will essentially be walking on eggshells around this person, because they are extremely volatile in their emotional nature. Now, if you are entangled with a covert narcissistic woman, what can you do to protect yourself? First of all, get support. Get support from somebody who knows all about this type of narcissist, and that can help you navigate this relationship, can help you talk about what you've experienced, and validate what you have been going through. Secondly, try and set boundaries as quickly as possible. Get away from this individual, because they will have spent all of their energy gaslighting you. You will have had so much gaslighting done to you, that you will not know what has been going on. You will be doubting your own sanity. You will be doubting your own memories of things. Gaslighting is a very big part of being with somebody who is a covert narcissist, especially a female covert narcissist. They are experts at gaslighting, just like they are experts at acting, manipulating, playing the victim, and constantly changing the narrative for it to suit their own needs. And also, trust your instincts, you know? If you feel that you need to focus on yourself, and looking after yourself, and putting your self-care at the top of the list, it has to be your priority, then that is what you need to do. You will be fine without a covert narcissist. As much as you may feel a pull towards the person, as much as you may be trauma-bonded to this person, as much as you may be anxious, you may be having panic attacks because you're trying to withdraw from this person, this is all because you have been coping in a hyper-vigilant state. You have been on high alert in the whole time that you have been in a relationship with this individual. You need to get away in order to calm your nervous system down and start feeling better. This is very, very important. You need to have a toxic-free life, and you can do that on your own. You will be stronger on your own, I promise you. It may not feel like it at the beginning, but you will get there as long as you break away from this person. A covert narcissist that has NPD will never change, so don't expect to see any change in behavior. If there is a change in behavior, it will only be temporary. It will only be because they need something from you, or it will only be because they want to get back in control of you, and what you do, and how you act. But it will always be short-lived, and then, at some point, they will just go back to their old ways. So stay away. That is my number one piece of advice. Because of the crazy-making and the trauma that you have endured, it will feel tougher, but you will get there, I promise you. Now, if you can relate to what I've talked about in this video, then please feel free to share your experience in the comments below. If you have any questions at all, or you need support, then please feel free to email me at courageisallyouneed at gmail.com. Thank you so much for tuning in, and I will see you very soon. Take care. Bye-bye.