Modern Dating & Building Lasting Relationships | Adam Lane Smith 2205

All right, this is our third installment with Adam Lane-Smith. He is the attachment expert, got some great feedback for his first two episodes. This one is going to be really popular. He talks about dating, talks about why modern dating sucks, why apps suck, how friends can help you, how to use apps wisely, the three date method, lots of great information here. If you're single, you're trying to find the right person, you're having trouble, you're going to love this episode. Now he has an attachment boot camp course that teaches you about your attachment styles, teaches you how to get rid of toxic people, how to meet the right people. It's awesome and because you're watching him on Mind Pump's channel, you get 50% off. So if you're interested in that, go to mpadamsmith.com and then use the code MIND to get 50% off. 50% off that boot camp. Today's giveaway is the RGB Bundle. Here's how you can win it. Leave a comment below this awesome video within the first 24 hours that we drop it. Subscribe to this channel and then turn on your notifications. If you win, we'll let you know in the comments section. We also have a sale going on right now. Maps Resistance, our beginner strength training program is half off and Maps Prime Pro, our correctional exercise program is also half off. If you're interested in either one, go to mapsfitnessproducts.com and then use the code NOVEMBER50 for that discount. All right, here comes Adam Lane Smith. Today we're going to talk about dating and why dating is so complicated in the modern world. We're also going to talk about your attachment in dating. So we've been doing a lot about attachment. I am the attachment specialist and how your attachment style is impacting your dating life and how to make it great. Through this course, through this episode here today, what we're going to do is show you exactly how to make dating incredible so that you have a great dating experience and you're not going to be stuck or alone anymore. We're going to make this work for you in a couple of easy steps. So to get there, we're going to cover some very specific topics here today. One is why modern dating life completely sucks. We're going to talk about why dating apps suck, what we used to do and how we can bring that into the modern era for how humans are supposed to function in dating, how friends can help you. We're going to talk about that. Remember I said friends are really big for your dating life and how to use apps wisely because I know they're going to get used. I'm pretty, I'm not going to say I'm against them, but I know that they are not the best method that is out there. So if you need to use them, I'll show you how to use them very wisely and effectively. But I'm also going to show you some other methods going to work better than apps. I'm also going to show you the three date method that's going to filter people who are a terrible match for you, but it's going to pull in and very strongly attract people who are a great match for you. And then we're going to walk through all of that into the first year of the relationship toward marriage. What does the first year look like and how do you make sure you don't get blindsided by a terrible divorce down the road? Show you that too. Everything's going to fit together step by step. We will get there together. So don't be afraid. You're going to understand how to date with confidence, how to filter your partners and build lasting relationships that can last through your entire life. So let's get right into it together. Number one, why does modern dating suck so bad? It's because we live in the rubble of a society that used to function. I'm not sitting here saying, oh, everything is broken. It's all terrible. It's all hopeless. No, no, no, no. But as far as a culture, a culture, we live in the rubble of a culture that used to function. Not to idealize the past and say everything was perfect. It wasn't, but it at least used to function. People could grow up. They could get married. They could build a life. They could start a business. They could do all kinds of things and work with some kind of confidence toward goals in their life. They could find things and achieve them. They could build relationships. Their families were more connected. We don't have that anymore. We live in rubble. This is not to idealize the past, like I said, but families at least were somewhat more functional than ours are today. Ours are not functional. Most families are not functional today. We don't really have shared values in our society anymore, not even honesty. If you say honesty is the best thing, well, everyone else will disagree. A lot of people won't agree that honesty is good much anymore. The media that we have nowadays is designed to scare us 24-7. Not because I think the media is evil. It's because they monetize it that way. That's how they make money. That's how they build their companies. That's how they feed their own families. They get endless outrage clicks and fear. So the more fear they keep us in, the more money they make. It's just basic math. Everyone feels like a stranger to everybody else. Remember back in episode one, everybody feels disconnected from birth, from their own families, from their own connections. They don't even know how to connect to other people. They feel like they have to be interesting, but they're exhausted by being interesting. So everybody feels alone. We're going to get through that. I'm going to show you how to fix that really quick. Attachment issues are killing our confidence. They're killing our ability to connect to other people. And this is getting really ugly in dating, you guys. Have you seen your friends go out on dates, crushingly insecure about what's going to happen, petrified beforehand, throwing out all kinds of hypotheticals? What if this happens? They're terrified to death of going on a date. Guys, you've probably seen this with your guy friends. Ladies, you've probably seen this with your female friends. Now, imagine everybody out there is dating and everybody is connecting, terrified with each other, living in the rubble of a greater culture and everybody miserable alone, trying to hopefully find a random stranger that is the love of their life. That's why dating sucks. It sucks today because you're trying to find strangers that are going to be the perfect match for you forever. And everybody's playing a fake game. Now, most of all, though, is this constant obsession with being interesting and stimulating, right? In the last episode, we talked about the big five brain chemicals and how having attachment issues leaves you with nothing but dopamine, nothing but dopamine. You constantly are trying to pump that button in other people to make them feel great. So they want to be around you all the time and you'll be super interesting. Guys DM me all the time and say, Adam, how am I supposed to build a relationship with a woman if I have to constantly be entertaining forever for the rest of my life every day or she's going to cheat on me? And I say, what are you smoking? You really think that's what women want from you? Like, nobody could build a relationship that way. Women do the same thing. They email me or they text me and say, Adam, I have to constantly keep him entertained and interested or he will cheat on me and find somebody hotter. That's not how loyalty and love work, but we don't have loyalty and love anymore. Now remember how this feels when you have to constantly be interested all the time. You probably run around trying to make people like you, right? You run around trying to make people think you're interesting. You talk about cool facts, cool things about you. Hey, look at this. I did this. Hey, how about this? I built this. Hey, look at me. I'm doing this now. Here's what I am. No, no, no. You don't do that. That's not what healthy, secure people want from you. By the way, or people who are going to take advantage of you. Women do this primarily with sex. A lot of it's with sex, having sex on the first date. Most women don't want to have sex on the first date, but they think they have to. If I ever say, hey, you don't have to have sex on the first date. Other women will. And like, if I don't, he's just going to leave me. That's not good. You don't want to date that guy probably. But keep in mind that the media rewards them. Money rewards them. Being interesting rewards them online. Being interesting with sex. I mean, you know, social media influencers, female social media influencers, right? They get on TikTok. They have a big following on TikTok. And then, you know what? I'll go. I'll get on OnlyFans. I'll show my butt. I'll make some money. I'll take care of grandma. And I'll I'll be interesting and get a ton of ton of views. And I'll feel so good about myself because I'm interesting. And that is the only thing I can ever really be. I'll never be loved or accepted, but I can at least be interesting and get people's eyes on me. It happens. Men do this. The entertainer model, right? Radical red pill takes control of them. And they say, you will learn game and dread game. And you will keep her afraid all the time. And you will saturate her with good feelings and then withdraw those feelings. So she goes into withdrawal mode and craves your approval. And she will chase you and be addicted to your dick. And she will never, never stop chasing you. And you have to keep her in fear so that she's just always, always chasing you. And you can do this with five women because you should never really just connect with one woman. It's not going to be enough. And you'll get overly connected to her and become vulnerable. So right. Insecure women reward them for this. And they think it's working. That's not the answer here, guys. So if you're dating and you're the red pill and you're mad at me now, totally understandable. I'm going to teach you a better method that's actually sustainable, that won't make you feel like you're victimizing insecure women and won't make other women hate you. We'll build you a good model. Now, there are also very, very specific problems for each side. So women feel a lot of women who communicate with me say that there are no eligible men left or no serious commitment minded men left. They claim no man wants to get married and have a family. They claim that men don't care enough to have families. They claim that men are scared of commitment and run away from it. They are also scared and afraid. Our society teaches women that every man is a rapist. Every man is out to like, you're going to get married, then he's just going to start punching you in the eye every single day because the meatloaf is cold or overcooked, or he's not going to care about you or your kids. He's going to cheat on you as the first chance he gets. Men are painted as these horrible beasts who are nothing but a bundle of awful desires that hurt other people. And the moment you give them power, it's terrible. I post on social media quite often about how women need to say, I respect you to their husband. Right. For men, respect is often more important than love. Most men, yeah, I'd like to be loved, but I need to be respected. When I post this, most women will come back and say, do I have to say the word respect? Well, I don't know. Does he have to say the word love? Does he have to say I love you? No, he doesn't have to say it. He can just show it. Right. No, no. He has to say it. Oh, don't you think you should say the word respect? Well, I don't know. Because that makes me feel, what, scared of admitting that you respect a man because you kind of like give him a little power, a little control. Most women are utterly petrified of giving men even an ounce of control or elevated status because they were so let down by their own dad or their mom poisoned them against men. Most women will not say I respect you to men. And most men go without hearing it. Now, on the other side, most men, a lot of men today feel that women are all gold diggers and prostitutes. You look at OnlyFans and the rise of it and how a lot, a lot of young women are getting into it. And it feels like every woman on the earth must be doing OnlyFans. Every single woman is a prostitute. I've heard before. Every woman is a prostitute. Even married women are prostitutes. They're just more honest about the prostitution or they're just being sneaky about the prostitution as if loving you and caring for you and building a family together is prostitution. She is a prostitute because she is your wife. Oh, OK. I've heard that before. Right. Let's talk about this. Men also fear, and rightly so, legal or financial destruction. We have all heard stories about what one night stands, right, hook up, hook up regret and how women then turn around. She cheated on her boyfriend. Now she files a rape report on you because she didn't like how it went. You didn't give her enough orgasms the night before, whatever it is. And now you have some rate charges on you. Very quickly, very quickly, this turns around financial, absolute financial destruction, right? You get married, but then you come to find out that you are married through the community, right? All the laws that just, well, you live together technically for this amount of time. Did you know up in Canada, the laws are brutal in Canada. If they live with you, man, I want to say it's like one year, something like that. If a woman lives together with you for a year, then she's entitled to some of your some of your financials. Like, that's brutal. Even if you're not married, common law marriage is horrifying. And the ways that men get destroyed in family court, the ways that men get destroyed in alimony and divorce settlements, it is horrifying. So I can very, very well sympathize with men who are afraid for that portion. There are problems on both sides and we need to address those. I'm going to show you later on how to filter for that to stay safe. So if you want to be safe, we're going to make you safe. It's going to be all right, bro. Don't worry about it. We got you. Now, how do people really do their dating now? The research shows right now that about 65 percent of couples tend to meet on dating apps. Now, this is not loving, long-term committed couples. This is just they did the research that they did was to call people up and figure out and investigate and do all the survey and say, OK, where did you meet your partner? Are you together with somebody? If so, how did you meet? Sixty five percent dating apps, right? About 12 percent nowadays through family and friends. This is a reverse of the 90s. 30 years ago, 30 years ago, it was 65 percent family and friends, 12 percent what they called computer dating back then, computer dating. And we have completely reversed that now. Really quick part of that is because we don't have family and friends together anymore that we can get those connections with. It's not that we've said, oh, family and friends are not a good connection. No, it's that we have all those relationships have died so we can't go to them. We don't trust them. They don't know good, healthy people. It's the networks are falling apart. So we have to go to dating apps. Now, dating apps are not good. I mean, they're not great. I'm not I'm not sitting here saying they're evil and terrible. And if you use them, you're bad. I'm not saying that. But they're not great. So let's talk about why. Number one, they filter purely for looks. You have to have this amazing picture, high quality tells you everything in one picture, whether you yes or no, right. Would or would not. Yes. Swipe one way or another based on how they look really fast. That fast. We've all seen the videos of people sitting there to swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, trying to find somebody. Just nope, nope, nope, nope. Or the guys who just swipe yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. On everybody. Just try to get a match. They swipe yes on a thousand, hoping for one response. But you filter based on looks immediately and it's training people to filter based on looks even more. It's rewarding you for filtering based on looks. It's also based on being interesting and stimulating. So what are you? Are you hot in your picture? And what are you doing in your picture? Right. Guys with pictures of fish. I don't know why they do this. Guys with pictures of fish. I don't know why they do this. You're supposed to be hot and flexing your abs and have a big fish in your. But, you know, whatever it is, what are you doing? That's interesting. Now, your profile has to be interesting and stimulating and you have to be super stimulating instantly as fast as possible, especially in the messages. You better instantly stimulate the other person within those messages within three seconds. That's what we're training people to do. Now, what this is, is it's men popping out at women by the dozens. Imagine this. These are strangers, complete strangers. We live in a rubble of a greater culture. So now there's women who don't have anybody to identify to, to connect them to people they know, to prevent, to say, hey, I know this man for you. He's amazing. He's a high quality person. Come talk to him. She gets on a dating app and there's all these strangers. Some of them are hot. Some of them are ugly. Many of them are holding fish and they pop out at her from behind a tree. Hey, you're pretty. All these dudes popping out at her randomly yelling at her for her attention. If you were a woman in the woods alone, all these dudes popping out from behind trees holding fish, screaming about how pretty you are. Some women are going to thrive on this and most women are going to feel utterly terrified. They're going to feel overwhelmed. They're going to get dozens of DMs every single day and they're not going to want to know what to do about it or how to filter. It's shallow. Guys are going to get on there and get buried in the mix. The research tends to show it's something like 10 to one ratio on like match.com, things like that. 10 to one ratio, men to women. Most women are not on these dating apps. It's a sausage fest. And here's the other problem is even if you do make a connection, you're used to using the dating app. You're used to knowing that a fun dopamine filled experience is one swipe away. You're used to knowing that there's always something better out there and that you can instantly get it. You're used to knowing, well, we've been in this relationship for four, five, six months. The fun is wearing off. It's hard being honest. It's hard being in a relationship. I could just swipe really quick and find somebody more fun and get that dopamine flow again. In fact, I could just chain six month relationships together over and over and over and never ever lose the feeling of falling in love. I'll just trade partners like I'm trading socks. Now who loves dating apps? Now that I've told you these problems, who loves them? Well, number one, people who have something called avoidant attachment style, people who are petrified of getting close to people, people who are terrified of being vulnerable, people who are afraid of building deep, lasting connections with other people. Dating apps are incredible because they can just go on and replace you instantly. Avoidant men go on and they shop. It's like going to the grocery store. Avoidant women, same thing. Now avoidant women, a lot of the horror stories you hear about in red pill culture is because of avoidant women and women with personality disorders. But avoidant women are the ones who will have a hookup, have fun with you and throw you aside really quick. Women aren't biologically designed to really do that. Avoidantly attached women will. They're also the ones that freak out after sex and don't want to be touched. They throw their clothes on and they jump out your window to escape. That's more avoidant women. Avoidant men, often the same. Avoidant men, they'll rotate 10 different women at the same time. When one starts developing feelings, he will completely ghost her for three, four, five months until she's just grateful to hear from him again and he'll cycle her back in. Spinning plates is what the red pill community calls this. But who gets hurt in these dating apps? Well, anxiously attached men who are craving approval all the time and never got the love they needed as children. And they desperately want somebody to love them and accept them. They connect with avoidant women who just treat them like crap and just hurt them more. That's what often drives anxiously attached dudes into red pill, by the way. They want to become avoidantly attached instead of anxiously attached. They want to control instead of being controlled. Anxiously attached women get chewed up, used and spit out by dating apps. Guys complain all the time about how women have high body count. It's usually dating apps. You have to have sex on the first date to be interesting. And you have to do this with 30 or 40 men over the course of five years to find one boyfriend. That's dating app math. Now, if you bang enough dudes on the first date, one of them might stick with you. And then you have a boyfriend. So you just do the basic math. This is what's leading to this gigantic problem in our society. This is not good. This is dating apps. This radicalizes both sides, by the way, into really radical feminism of men just treat you like garbage. They hate you. All they care about is your body count. But then they demand you have sex with them immediately. Then they throw you away. And then it's men. Women just treat you like garbage. They just throw you away. They have no loyalty, no love, no care. You get the radical men and the radical women screaming about each other. It's not just because of the dating apps or the dating apps are one more step in that war. It's terrible. And the wounded people in this process become the aggressors. Now, does this mean that dating apps are hopeless? No, I don't think they are. They're a tool. And the way that you use it really determines a lot of what's going to happen. So no, if you're listening to this and you think Adam hates dating apps, I don't actually. I don't hate them. I think that it can be phenomenal tools. Some of the people in my life have met their partners on dating apps. They can be great for doing that. I've met people who, plenty of people who get married off of dating apps. It can be great. Use tools and be smart. A hammer is a tool. A gun is a tool. A blowtorch is a tool. But you don't take a blowtorch and put it down your pants. You use a blowtorch carefully and respectfully and you take care of business. Same thing in the dating world. So start using your dating app smarter. And I also want to show you how to start using your friends and family network smarter so you can start doing your dating more like humans have for 200,000 years here on this planet. And here are some tips in the future for both approaches. I'm going to give them to you here in a minute. Right now, we're going to talk about how to meet somebody. And then I want to talk about how to build the careful steps of actually dating them. How to meet, how to date. We're going to talk about those one and two. Now dating through your network is about getting people to connect you with somebody else. That's what it is. Friends and family networks coming in and here's how it's supposed to work. It could be matchmaking. It's especially it is matchmaking by people who know you. Hey, you know me. Do you have somebody around you who would be a good match for me? Here's what I'm looking for. Here's what I want. Committed relationship, 10 kids, marriage, blah, blah, blah. Can you find me somebody? Can you keep an eye out for me? You go around, you tell the 10 people in your life about this. You connect with people who know people. You may have to go out and make new friends for this. It might be that your current friends are not enough. You might have to go out and build a connection, build a network, right? We talked about how friends are high quality in your life anyway. They boost the quality of your life. Go out and make friends anyway, you guys. And while you're there, say, hey, I could use some help. I want to find a wife. I want to find a husband. Don't say I want to find, you know, friends with benefits. I want to find a wife. I want to find a husband. Whoever you want committed, a committed relationship. Really important. We'll talk about why, but it's matchmaking by people who know you. This is not arranged marriage. This is like assisted marriage. Think of it that way. People are assisting you in finding the right match, which you then yay or nay, you say yes or no. You start investigating it yourself. Now, really important piece here. The reason this is so great. You get data on the people that you're about to date. You get five years, 10 years, 20 years of data. Who are they? How do they act? How do they treat people? How are they living their life? You don't go in and you're like, hey, what do you do for a living? Oh, I rescue orphans from a chemical fire. Well, no, actually, he just scrapes dumpsters for a living. Different stories, right? So there's tons of data, but how do they act? How do they solve problems? Are they honest? Do they follow their values? Have they been improving? What's their story? You get all that data in advance and they get yours in advance, which is good and bad pressure, right? It feels good. It feels worried. That's all right. It's a good thing. You don't have to prove yourself to them because you come pre-vetted. That's why it's important to be who you are and take care of business on your end. You come pre-vetted. So a lot of the get in, prove yourself to them steps. They get so much easier. Also on this, there's social pressure because you know each other mutually and you know friends to be respectful, to be honest and honorable, right? No false rape charges from this woman who you have all these connections with and he's not going to date rape you because your mom and his mom are best friends or whatever it might be. Like so much more reason to be respectful and honest when there's all this massive social pressure around you for men and women. Very important for safety here. Again, for men and women, safety is important on both sides. So your network starts to look out for you as long as you have a good network. If you have a garbage network, if you're watching this saying, Adam, I would never trust the people I know to connect me to somebody, then you have a serious problem in your dating network. That's probably your problem. Most women, especially guys, are going to look at your social network around you as a predictor for how you will be in your relationship with them. They want to know if you have any relationship at all with your family and what it looks like. If it's horrible, bad sign. They want to know what your friends are like. Are they good quality people? Do you even have friends? Do you spend time with them? Do you do honorable, good things together or are you always getting drunk and passing out in a ditch? Like, what do you do with your friends? Are they good, accountable people? Are they all married men? Good. Great. You sound like a good guy who attracts married men in your life. Good. Solid. Build your social network locally and that will build your dating life to be so much easier and so much better and make you so much more attractive because you're inviting her into a life. Ladies, same thing. If you live alone in an apartment with nothing but a cat and that's your entire life, yes, guys will still try to get with you and try to maybe even marry you. But how are you going to show him that you are any kind of a partner? All he's taking on is somebody who hides away from the world and runs away from your life. Build your social life because it does 15 things for your dating life. If no other reason, do it for that. Here's also what I recommend, though. Once you connect with people and say, hey, look, find me somebody, they used to call these blind dates. That's what they used to call them. You can go on group dates. Your first thing could be, hey, you know what? Why don't we all come together and we'll all have like a board game night or a card game night. We'll all get together and meet each other and we will connect you to their low pressure. We'll connect you guys to each other and you guys will talk there and we'll all be involved in that group date. They can't lie on the first date because they'll be like, what are you doing? That's not true. You'll see how they act around you, a stranger. You'll see how they act around people they already know. You get tons of data from this and again, safety. No false charges, no real charges. Everything is safe this way. Easy proof of what they say and yes, women vastly approve of this method. Women prefer this method. Healthy women. Avoidant women, maybe not so much. A lot of pressure. But healthy women prefer this method. It's what women have done for 200,000 years on the face of this planet. Women have gatekeepers that you get through to get to them. Healthy women still do this. Unhealthy women, insecurely attached women, they don't have women, people to do this. That's why they're dating strangers on apps. That's why they're wandering through the forest with a sign that says, we'll be your girlfriend for food. That's why that's happening. Dating apps are women who have no gatekeepers or who have bad social connection networks. The women who have good ones, very rarely ever on dating apps. Just going to tell you that. So dating, how do you do this? You go to people and say, I am looking for a husband or a wife, a good loving one. You say what you want, just your quick details, right? Whatever they're going to be. Hey, I've heard some wild ones from the guys in my life. It is what it is. But what are you kind of looking for? What are your hopes and requirements? Keep an eye out for me, please. I would love this. Please help me out. You ask them to set up a group date or a meeting with candidates and you say, yeah, that would be great. Let's do that. I want to connect with so-and-so. That would be wonderful. Can we please connect? Connect us to have a group date together, meet up at a restaurant or their mutual house. Great. Let's do this because I can already hear the objections. Would this be a burden to you? If somebody came to you and said, could you please keep an eye out for me for people that will match me? And you had a great match in mind, would you be like, oh, I don't want to match them? Or would you be excited? Like, oh, hey, we need to match them up. That excitement. That's what most people feel when they get the shot. People love matchmaking and frankly, especially women. Women love matchmaking. Once they are settled themselves, then they go into super matchmaking mode because they want everyone else to be happily matched to then start building networks and families and nesting. And it's wonderful how women do this. But this, this is a great thing that you can bring other people into your life to do. So please make sure you have good women in your life who love to matchmake. Most of them will, but make sure they are secure and healthy themselves so they don't connect you with disasters. That's also a good thing. Now, this is the oldest method in human history. This is how humans have always stated. I am not saying we have to go back to hunter gatherers with a system, arranged marriages. You meet the girl from the next tribe and you marry her that day. You bring her a dead fish. Maybe that's the dating things with the fish. I don't know. No, I'm not saying we have to go back to that method. But this, this is assisted marriage. It's also called, it can be called courting. It can be called courting. And we'll talk about that a little bit later. But this is not just dating for fun. If you're wanting dating for fun, power to you. You know what? Use some of these other methods I'm going to teach you here later. You can do that if you want to date totally casually and have no, no real connections and no strings attached. Totally cool. But if you're watching this, you want better attachment. You probably want a more committed relationship that at least is with somebody you respect and somebody who respects you, right? I'm going to show you how to build that. This, this effect is bigger and healthier, the more powerful your network is. So continue to build that network. Absolutely crucial that you do that. Now to the people who are going to use apps. Next is all about you. Here's how to find people on apps that are going to be good match for you and how to filter more carefully. So first let's talk about what people get horribly wrong on dating apps. Number one is terrible, terrible dating photos, right? Girls, you're all over those dating apps with skin. Everything is skin or the weird angles or just your boobs or whatever it is, heavy makeup, or you're in a group of girls and they can't pick which one you are. If you're trying to find a committed, serious relationship, it's not going to work. If you're here just for casual fun, yes, a picture of your boobs is probably going to work. If you just want every dude on the app to start swiping on you, yes, a picture of your boobs is probably great. If you have you in a group photo, the dudes are going to think that you're the hottest one there and they're going to be disappointed when they actually meet you. I'm just going to tell you right now, um, or there'll be afraid that you're the ugliest one there and then they won't want to swipe on you. You're not either way. You're going to lose. Don't do that. Okay. Horrible photos for women, bad guys. I've talked about the fish, but also abs like picture of my abs, unless you have abs for a face, probably not a great approach. Also guys, the selfie in the bathroom, not great either. I'm going to talk to you guys here in a little bit about how to fix this, but for now, please take that picture down. At least it's going to be terrible. Number two, a super vague bio. Oh, I love to have fun. Okay, great. I drink water. Cool. Uh, I like dogs, men who doesn't like super vague. I'm here for fun. We'll just kind of see whatever, you know? No, that's a horrible dating bio. Consider your dating bio to be the one of the most important pieces. The picture. Yes. Your bio is really important. I'm going to talk to you about how to soup that up, how to improve it. But for now, understand that you are probably being way too vague in your dating bio. Number three, though, is in your dating bio, a specific bullet point list, like a grocery list or brief descriptions or hobbies, or just like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It's overly specific, but there's no flow to it. There's no character to it. It's almost like they're packing, they're picking an item off a shelf and you've just listed the qualities of the item inside. You are more than a can of beans. I will just tell you that. Bullet points, please. No, please, please. God, no, not bullet points. And number four, the any warm body will do approach. Hey, I'm just here. I don't really care. I'm having fun. Love to make friends or commitment or, you know, whatever. Just everything. I have no desires. I am just up for everything. No, you're not. I know you're not. If you were, you wouldn't be on a dating app. You'd be walking down the street, shaking hands with random people, right? Learning to be more honest. We're going to talk about that. These are awful. And these cover probably 90 to 95% of people on dating apps and guys, especially. This is why you don't get responses on dating apps. Ladies, this is why you get nothing but crap responses on dating apps from random dudes and you hate all of them and you never get any good matches. This is partly what's happening right here. Do these things if you want to be ignored. But if you don't, instead, do these things. Four steps. Four steps to a better dating app experience. Now, my coaching clients come in and they tell me, Adam, my dating app life is terrible. Okay, here, do this. Boom. Maximum improvement. All of a sudden. In a week or two, they are flooded with great quality responses and they start having much better dating experiences through it. So today I'm going to show you the one, two, three, four step method to do this. Number one, better photos. Guys and ladies, please go get a professional photo taken. Ladies, not skin. Please don't be in a bikini unless you want guys who like women in bikinis. Then he will just be with you while chasing other girls in bikinis. It won't work. Sorry. Dress nicely. Dress the way you would on your anniversary date with your husband. We're at our one year and we're going to go out to dinner. Here's how I'm going to dress. Great. Dress the way you would going out to social events with your husband. You know, a nice blouse. You don't have to have like caked on makeup. Dress nicely without going overboard, right? It's not your wedding night. It's a good, a good family dinner. Maybe it's going out to lunch with your husband and his parents. Think about that. If I was going to lunch with my husband and his parents, how would I present myself? Do that. And that will give the guys on the dating app a better view of what you are going to be and what they should expect from a girlfriend and then a wife. You won't attract the wrong dudes, but you'll actually flag interesting for the other guys who will say, wow, she's actually dressed decently. She actually looks like a nice woman, right? Guys, please put in some money, get a professional photo taken. Do not, do not go out like in a heavy stiff suit in a tuxedo where you're all like this to a tense. Don't go for a business shoot. Tell the photographer, this is for a dating app. I want to look kind of like nice, but casual a little bit, right? Nice background. Maybe a polo, polo with a jacket can work pretty well. You don't have to get super dressed up, but look nice. Okay. No more fish, no more abs, no more bikinis. Look nice. Number one, look nice and look like you have paid money for a good photograph. So you have income that supports paying for a good photograph and you are serious about dating. Do that, right? Think about that. Number two, be clear about your desires. So your dating app is a job listing for your future spouse. If you went on a job listing and they said, well, you know, we just kind of want you to come in and just do whatever and just be here and you know, we'll assign you some things and we'll talk about that later. No, I want a committed partner, right? So dating app or a job listing seeking person who wants long-term position. Same for a resume looking for long-term position in blank industry. Your profile should say at the head at the very top looking for a long-term committed relationship. I guarantee you that this change guys is going to get you so much attention for women. It's not even going to be funny. And ladies, you putting that at the very top filters you out from all the girls who, well, I'm just here for fun. Oh, she has had sex with everybody on this dating app looking for a long-term committed relationship. You'll be shocked. Most men and most women who are on there actually looking for that. Put that on there and then list what you want, like long-term committed relationship. Boom, right? That's top under that. Step three, show stability, security and consistency and reliability. So in your bio, maybe talk, guys, talk about your job. Mention your job. You don't have to say I make this amount. Mention your job. Maybe mention how many years you've been in that job or in that industry. It shows that you've been there for a while. Women like stability and consistency. Oh, he doesn't job hop every three hours. He stayed with this company. He's got a good trajectory. He looks stable. He looks secure. He makes good decisions. He's got a life path, right? Talk about your ambitions. Talk about your goals. This shows them what to expect in a relationship with you. Ladies kind of the same. What have you what are you working on right now? Talk about that. Talk about what you've been working on your stability, how you're improving yourself. I've been on a path of improving myself toward having a greater relationship. I have always wanted children. I really want to build a loving, healthy family. Whatever it may be, start talking about those things. Show what to expect in a relationship with you. And number four, list your desires in a partner. Now, guys, I can already see it, you know, fat thighs, huge boobs. No, no, no, we're not. We're not going that route. List what you want in a partner. Here's how you do this. Tastefully is the characteristics and values you would want to partner by saying, I'm looking for somebody who values honesty, integrity, right, compassion, loyalty. Here's why is number one, people are going to read that and everyone, everyone will probably say, oh, that's it. That's me. I have those things. Unless they're super insecure, then they might not, which is good. You'll filter them out. But what they're also going to do is if you value honesty, loyalty, integrity, right, compassion, you value all of these things and enough to put them on your dating profile fairly quickly in there, right? Should only be pretty decent. That tells them what you might embody yourself. It gives them a snapshot of what to expect in you. Wow. This is a guy who talks openly about valuing honesty and loyalty. Interesting. Most guys don't say from that this is what they want from women. I wonder if he's a guy who is honest and loyal. Let's find out. Way more likely to slip into the DMs with you, especially if you have a professional photo and you've put a little bit of money into that, guys. If you're clear about your desires with a committed relationship, long-term committed relationship, if you show security and stability and that you've been at a good job for a long time, your good ambitions, your goals in life, what you want. And then if you back that up by showing very clearly what your values are, you are way more interesting than 95% of other men on that dating app instantly. Girls actually read your bios. Ladies, this makes you way more interesting because you look like a low drama, high value immediately kind of person. This makes you look like the kind of lady who's going to enhance his life instead of ruining his life. So jump in there and do this. This gives you a huge idea of what you're about. People instantly know what you're about and you're instantly in the top 10% on the dating profiles, on the dating website. Do this, you're going to get skyrocketed. Works for every guy that I talk to and every guy I coach through this. Everybody. So either way that you choose, whether you choose through the family and friends network or you choose through carefully filtering on your dating apps and really using those dating apps in a smarter way, you're going to start pulling in different partners. Now, how do you filter those partners? Because anybody can click on you and say, oh, yeah, committed relationship with values. That sounds great. Meanwhile, they're like smoking a meth pipe, right? Swiping on you. Yes, that can happen. Okay, we're going to get you there. Now, I'm going to make sure that you don't get hurt with the three date method. Okay, you ready? I'm going to teach you the three date method. I've taught it to everybody I coach. I used it on my own wife when I married her, right? And we've been together for 15 years. We got five kids. Number five is on the way. This method works. I've taught this to dating coaches and then they say, well, Adam, I'm just going to tell you right now I'm taking this. I'm stealing this. Go teach my own my own clients. Okay, I've taught this to renowned national dating experts and they take this method because it works so well. So three dates, let's do it. Now, the first date, the whole purpose of a first date is to see if you guys are compatible personalities. Can you have a conversation? Can you laugh? Do you laugh at the same things? Can you talk? Do you eat the same foods, right? Whatever it is. Can you be together in a room for an hour or two? That is the purpose of a first date. The second purpose of a first date is to establish if you both want the same thing. So by the end of the first date, here's what you need to do. Hey, you know what? I'm having a great time with you. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page. It's okay if we're not, but let's talk. I'm looking for a long-term committed relationship. It said so on my dating profile or my friend probably told you. I'm looking for that long-term committed relationship. We don't have to get married tomorrow. I'm not saying that, but I do want to, you know, I want to get married. I want to have kids. That's what I'm looking for. I'm not playing games anymore. I'm looking for that. Are you looking for that too? If you are, amazing. Let's have a second date and we'll talk about that. This is how you go in for that second date ask right there, by the way. Let's have a second date. You don't even have to ask. You just say, great, let's have a second date. You've already sold them on it. Now they can't even backtrack. So you're moving towards a second date pretty fast. Or, hey, you know what? If you don't want that, that's totally cool. We will finish our dinner. We'll high five, go our separate ways. No harm, no foul. Nice to meet you. So you tell me, what are you looking for? End of the first date, have this conversation. Be that casual about it. Be comfortable. You don't have to grill them like, well, what does that mean to you? Do it at the end of the first date. It's how you go for the second date ask. And it makes sure that you guys are on the same page. And it reconfirms for them that you're doing this. Now you're probably not going to have sex after this. Probably a good move. And I will tell you why. Not because having sex is evil, but because you want real compatibility. I recommend you don't have sex through the three date method. Don't have sex until you at least complete date three. Because you, I've seen this so many times. Guys go in, hey, look, she's great. Everything's great on paper. And she was fun on the first date. Yes, let's do it. And then he has sex with her on the first date, thinking it's going to be totally fine. And then she starts showing red flags by second and third date. But now he is hooked and he can't stop. So he starts excusing and rationalizing the red flags. He gets mad at his friends if they try to warn him. And it goes really ugly from there. So she ruins his life. Women, same story, right? You've experienced the same thing. Sex in the first three dates, really a terrible idea until you've done the proper filtering. So have a method and also hold off. That's my recommendation. You don't have to, but that's keep you safe kind of method. Number two, second date, share stories. Tell each other stories back and forth about your values and your goals. Not, oh, let me tell you about my ninth Bugatti that I bought. No, let me tell you about my relationship with my best friend. Let me tell you how we met. Hey, let me tell you about this funny thing that happened the other day with my sister. Let me tell you about this cool thing at my job. Oh, so that you know about my job. Here's what I do really quick, blah, blah, blah. Tell stories that tell so much more than the story told. Tell stories that give background. Tell stories that illuminate your relationships. Tell stories that show your personal values and your goals and your mission. Tell stories that way and listen for their stories the same way. What other stories tell you? Oh, I have nine ex-boyfriends and they're all completely crazy and they're all in jail for hitting me, but it will never happen again, I swear. I'm really sure. And yeah, I've been pregnant 19 times, but like these are exaggerations, but listen for their stories. If all their exes are crazy, if they're miserable in life, they're stuck, if they're, you know, problem saturated stories run away. What are their stories tell you about their values? What are their stories tell you about their goals? Are their stories accomplishments, building ambition, hopes, dreams for the future? Great. Listen for stories and compare your values with each other as you go. That's fantastic. See what theirs are too. This is who you both are, by the way, and this is real compatibility. This is real compatibility on the second date. Now, the third date should be about problems. The third date is about concerns. You're sharing mutual concerns, remember? So last time we talked in the second episode, we talked about the four layers of trust. What you've done here is you've built the first layer of trust by understanding that you guys are more consistent with your values. If you have pre-data about from this person, about from your network, you really know that you understand them. They're consistent with values. You also understand what their mission goal is and you see if they're consistent with those. Now you're going to build mutual acceptance. So you're going to see if they run screaming from you when you bring up a little bit of your baggage and you're going to see if you run screaming from them when they bring up their baggage or if they're incapable of bringing up their baggage because they have to hide it. So the third date, hey, you know what? We've talked about committed relationship. Looks like we're both headed for that. But second date was great, by the way. I loved all your stories and they told me that you are a good person who values blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you want to build this. I do too. It sounds like we're really compatible. I want to make sure. I want to see if we can screw this up because it'll be let's see if we can screw it up now. I want to tell you what to expect, honestly, about getting into a relationship with me. Here's a couple of things you should expect. Here's a little bit of my baggage. I'm not going to scare you off too bad, hopefully, but here's who I am and you tell them. Now, here's how you tell them. Let's take it. Let's take attachment, for example. I fixed my attachment. But, you know, let's see. How do I tell a girl that, Adam? How do I tell a girl that I used to have bad relationships? Cool. Let me tell you about me. Previously in my life, I used to really struggle to connect with people, to be open and honest with people. It's why I'm not married yet. It's why I don't have a deep, committed relationship right now. I have done so much work over the last year or two trying to fix this and building better relationships and being more honest. And I have not been ready to commit until now. I'm looking for a loving partner to move that forward with. But in relationships with me, if you ever see me overthinking, if you ever see me, you know, going quiet, pulling away, just not knowing what to say, being really indecisive, call me on it because that's me being nervous. I got stress or something going back in my old ways. I never want to do that again. So what I want is just call me on it. And it's my problem to fix it. If you can do that, I'll take care of it. What you've done now is you've turned a red flag into a green flag, right? I used to have these problems. Oh, red flag. But look at all the work I've done. And I'm taking ownership of it. And I'm being honest with you about it. And I'm telling you the red flags and the landmines under your feet in advance. I'm flagging them for you. Just don't step there. Green flag. This makes you look so mature, so honest, so respectful and ready for commitment. Now, how do they respond? How do they respond to that? Oh, I have that problem. I've never fixed it. You fixed it? Oh, I don't think I could fix it. Red flag. They start trauma dumping all these horrible things. And the whole date is about their horrible life. Oh, red flag. No, everything's fine. I'm fine. I'm great in relationships. Don't worry about it. Probably a red flag. They probably have some baggage, right? How do they respond? Can they be honest? Can you build mutual acceptance and mutual ownership of problems? Third date. Now, all of this assumes you actually want a committed relationship, but if you do, this is the method for how you start filtering it. Yes, people can still lie. Yes, people can still get through this method, but this will filter out the vast majority of people who don't want what you want. Now, if you want different things from what I'm listing here, still use this method. Just change the language for whatever you want. If you only want a casual, relaxed, fun relationship, switch that out in the first discussion. Hey, you know what? I do just want a casual, relaxed relationship right now. I'm not looking for a deeper commitment yet, but I do want somebody that I can have a good time with and take on dates and have fun with. Are you open to that? Insert that at the very beginning of the first date. Second date, kind of the same because you're getting to know each other's values and goals and making sure that you both really want the same thing. Third date, you're actually seeing if they're able to kind of talk about their baggage a little bit, or maybe you skip the third date because you don't need to do that if you're just having a casual relationship. If you are going for commitment by the end of the third date, you're now ready for commitment because you understand each other. This is a great time to lead right into an exclusive relationship. Hey, you know what? We've been talking about commitment and we match up on our values. We match up on our goals and we're both able to be pretty honest about what we want. You're awesome. I would love to be in a relationship with you. Can we do that? Can you and me, can we put a label on this thing? Can we be exclusive? You know, how comfortable are you being exclusive going right now, right? Take the step, be confident, ask. Most people are going to say, yeah, they'll say I'm not ready to get married yet. Cool, yeah, neither am I. It's only three dates. Let's not be crazy, but let's do it. Let's do this thing. Now what you've entered into is the testing phase, right? This isn't dating, by the way, this is courting. This is courting toward marriage. Dating is playing the field with strangers and hoping, courting is this is what I want and I'm going to find somebody. The only relationship that's similar to this, by the way, is co-founding a business. You're trying to co-found a business together. The business happens to be a lifetime, a legacy, a family, whatever you're building. You're testing for co-founders is what you're really doing. Dating is just having fun and no strings attached or just blindly hoping. This is courting. Now, do men hate this blunt approach? I get women all the time. Adam, if I talk about wanting a committed relationship on the first date, men will run screaming. I have to lead with my vagina. I hear that all the time. No, because men all the time ask me, Adam, if I talk about a committed, loving relationship on the first date, won't women run screaming from the room? No. Actually, the research shows that most people are thinking about commitment on the first date and most people are petrified to mention commitment on the first date. So you saying it is usually a relief. People who will get up and say, no, I don't want to commit a relationship. That's moving way too fast for me. Good, you filtered those people out. Cool, amazing. Again, you're not getting married on the first date. You're not asking to be exclusive on the first date. You're not saying we should be together and be committed. You're saying this is just what I want down the road. Is that your ultimate goal to filter carefully? And men and women who want what you want will flock to what you want. Like, yes, insecurely attached people will probably get up and run screaming from the table. Securely attached people will probably handcuff themselves to you at the end of date three and you'll be ready for marriage. This is why securely attached people tend to get engaged and married very quickly because they've done this process. This is the healthy process. All of us should have learned. We just didn't. So this leads into you're committed, right? You're exclusive. Maybe you're exclusive on the end of the third date, the fourth date, the fifth date, wherever it is. Once you go and you're locked in, we move into the first year. Now the first year, the purpose of the first year guys is to break up. The purpose of the first year is to ruin your relationship. It is to screw it up so bad that it's destroyed and you fall apart. The purpose of the first year is to be as real and blunt as possible to see if you guys can screw it up. Because if you can break your relationship, you had better do it now. So the purpose of it is to have the conversations that everybody else is too afraid to have. Now talk about things that break you up. You should talk about things that break you up. Poke red flags. If you see a red flag in your partner, talk to them. Hey, hey, tell me about this thing. Hey, you just did this. Talk to me about that. Hey, I noticed you said that. Tell me about that. Poke every red flag you see. You don't have to be a jerk about it. Poke those red flags and ask for more data. If they explode, oh, how dare you? Are they freak out? Are they crumble? That's an even bigger red flag. Poke at that one too. Keep poking. Be ruthless about those red flags. See if they take ownership of them. Talk about kids. There's people that get married and they're together for like five years. They get married and then they break up because they never talked about kids. And then suddenly at year five, they realize that no one of them doesn't want kids. Talk about kids within that first year, right? Four months, six months. Hey, do you want kids someday? What's your timeline? How do you feel about it? If you can't have this conversation, please don't date. Just don't. You're going to be miserable and they're going to be miserable. And the kids that you accidentally have are also going to be miserable. That's how we got to where we are right now. Poke the red flags. Kids, talk about marriage. You've talked about commitment, but talk about what does marriage look for you? What's your timeline? What are your thoughts? What do you want marriage to be for you? What does ideal marriage look like to you? Does it look like the same things for both of us? Maybe he wants a wife who's barefoot and pregnant and she wants a couple who runs a business together. Very different. Well, I mean, they could be the same, but very different, most like. What's your ideal marriage look like? There's not a right or wrong answer here. You just have to match, be compatible. Sex, talk about sex. When do you have the sex? Talk about that. We haven't had sex in the first three days to make sure we're compatible. How long do you want to wait? What's comfortable for you? Let's talk this out. Talk about it together as a couple. Maybe you have sex on the third date. Maybe you don't have sex to get engaged. Maybe you don't have sex to get married. Every couple is different and your values should align on how important sex is. Talk about it together. Very important. Now, things to look out for. Number one, their ability to cooperate during a conflict. Conflict can be anything where people are uncomfortable. A need, a preference, inconvenience, a problem, a red flag, right? Number two, do they share their needs openly with you? Very calmly. The first time they need something, are they like, hey, you know what? This would mean a lot to me. Could you do this? Could you help me out? They're very clear about those needs. They're clear about their wants too. Hey, I want this. Can you help me with this? Oh, I'd love this for my birthday. They don't expect mind reading. They're not mean stomping their foot, demanding princesses or princes or whatever. They're very clear about what they want. And they're very clear about their dislikes. Oh, you know what? You didn't know this. That's okay. I just don't like that. I like this instead. Could you do this? This would be great. They solve problems with you together and they work with you as a team, right? And they're trying to be stable and connected instead of just being interesting. Are they stimulating you and then getting exhausted by it? Right? That fall apart process at six to seven months. Or are they with you? Now, here's an advanced tip that might piss some people off. And I briefly mentioned a moment ago, but marriage or committed relationship is much more like a business. If you would not co-found a business with somebody, do not marry them. Go into it exactly like you are building a business together. Would you sign a contract on day one? Probably not. Don't get married on day one. Would you get completely blindingly drunk at every single meeting with a co-founder every single time you saw them until you signed a contract? No. Well, then don't do that by having sex with them every single time you see them. If you are having sex with somebody every time you see them, you're getting blindingly drunk on hormones and then signing a contract to build a company together. Puts it in perspective, I hope. Build with a co-founder mentality. Would you delay a co-founding business together by eight years because you couldn't figure out how to figure out if they were compatible for you or not? Let's just kind of like float with no contract for eight years and see if we're compatible. That's pretty stupid. Anyone with any kind of respect or business sense would leave. Only insecurely attached people are going to stick with you probably for eight years unless you both agree that you don't want to get married and you don't want to build that life. You're both comfortable. Talk about the comfortable business you want to build and then build it together and co-found it. Approach as a co-founder and filter that way. Any dating books you have right now, throw them in the garbage and buy some books on how to co-found a business and treat it that way. There's a big difference between building a street cart together where it's fun and casual and relaxed and you can dissolve at any time or building a gigantic organization together, right? A family, a business, grandkids, great grandkids, a family, multiple businesses, big difference. Talk about what you're building and approach it as co-founders. This is a huge mindset shift that you need to make immediately. Now, I am going to give you a lot more information about how to run your marriage like a business in the next video because we're going to be talking about marriage. But keep in mind right now that the first year should be a long-term lead into that deeper commitment with a plan to build something long-term if that's what you both want. Break up in the first year if you can. I'm not saying go cheat on her and then see if she forgives you. I'm saying find every possible conversation point that could split you in half and have that conversation on purpose. Filter carefully. Connect through your friends if you can. Use dating apps smarter if you can. Do the three-date method and use that first year to filter as hard as you possibly can. And dating is going to be so much easier and you're going to get what you've always wanted. Now, proper dating is going to drive a huge portion of your marriage success if you're not married yet. And if you are married, I'm going to talk to you about how to build an incredible marriage that can last all through your lifetime. We're going to talk about that next because there's some very specific things that good marriages do. I'm going to share from my 15 years of marriage. Also, my years as a licensed marriage and family therapist. Also, my years as an attachment specialist helping all kinds of couples. I will walk you through how to build and maintain an incredible marriage that will feel wonderful for your whole life. So please stick around for that next episode that'll be coming. In the meantime, if this has been helpful or if you want to fix your attachment, check out my attachment bootcamp video course. It's linked down below in the show notes. I'd be happy to help you through that course. And if you have questions, you can contact me through my website, adamlanesmith.com. And I will see you in that next episode, all about marriage.