Confronting My Absent Father

I provide for myself, I'm proud to be this independent woman who can provide for me, for myself and my kids because I never have really been provided for by a man. All right y'all so you guys have met some of the closest people to me and today I'm going to introduce you to my dad. I mean I could give a huge introduction for this man but I'll probably let him do all the talking. He probably would introduce himself a lot better but you know on Leave It To LaToya I'm all about you know bringing you guys into my home, bringing you guys into my life and just you know letting y'all in, keeping it real and boy oh boy me and my dad are gonna share today. Wow. That's what we gonna do, right dad? Yeah. Oh boy. Police outside, go ahead. I can't do it. This is my father, the Daryl Luckett. Well thank you, thank you. It's a joy to be a part of your show and to kind of slip into your world for a couple of minutes. You're in my world always dad. Yeah, yeah sometimes we've had some great moments in your world that's changed my life but I'm so proud of you. Thank you, dad. And this is pretty unique to be here tonight and to listen, I mean in your terms, let's chop it up, okay? Did he say chop it up? Hey I heard that, I heard that one day on all my children. By the way, he's where I get my funny. My dad is very sarcastic. He's a jokester. Yeah. If you can't tell already, that's. But you know. This is a funny guy. Some people don't have a sense of humor like ex-wives. Oh boy and it went left that quick. All right, let's get into it and I am gonna have to clean this up later. Yeah. Okay uh first question, can you behave? I'mma try. No dad, behave. Huh? I am being nice. I thought that was. Anyway, go ahead. Well, you have three. What? You, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, you started it. Let's go. Oh, I'm going low. Okay. If you had to describe me in five words, just five. Go ahead. Okay, give me five words. If you had to describe your daughter. Uh, daring. Daring, okay. Uh, talented. Okay, I'll take talented. Uh, talkative. All right, I like talkative. Uh, how many is that? Three. Three, okay. Sharing is, I don't know, that's not a word, but you, you didn't mind giving. I'm a giver. You're a giver. Yeah. All right, four. Of course, I gotta say, lastly, you're the most beautiful little pink socks I've ever seen in my life. You just told my nickname. Yeah, yeah. Well, one of my nicknames. Yeah, the other one, I won't say the other one. Thank you, dad. But the pink socks thing was uh her nickname when she was young because um when Toya was young and we had to be somewhere at 12, we started dressing Toya in that, you know. And why is that? Because that long flowing black hair had to have a barrette on every strand of your hair and our mother would buy just a bunch of these little barrettes to put on the hair. And she had to be perfect because when we got down to your feet, that was these little pink socks with the little trim, uh, the little uh, oh, you were just, you was a model. One of the most unique memories is Toya when we were, when she was young, she was in the youth choir at the church. They would always pass the mic to the kids to do a little simple solo and they just have to get toward the last because Toya's not about to get the mic back, you know. She was confident when she sung. You were, you never were shy about it. God, I wish I still had that confidence. The things I would have done different when I look back on my son, my daughter, is give them more of my time. Make them priority in my day. And, uh, when you're in your 20s and 30s and, you know, sometimes you say it's all about me. And you have two exceptional kids. I had a moment with you and Gavin. I'm opening up because I know somebody out there is a dad and they're not 64 yet. So they got a chance to understand what I'm saying, that they need to be like this in the 30s when they have a kid. I came to my church one night for rehearsal, the male chorus, and I was driving down the street and at the, the, the, the street T's it's a dead angle left or right. And at that T was Gavin and Latoya on their bicycles. And I saw these two children I didn't see my children. I saw these kids, these are my kids. And I rolled down the window. I said, Hey dad, you know, I said, well, we know what time you go to practice on Tuesday nights. And we wanted to be here when you come. And I went, Oh man, that's great. And they leaned in the car and kissed me or whatever. I said, look, I'm late. I got to get to practice. And I drove off from these kids and got to practice, sit down in the tennis section and was sitting there for about 30 seconds. And that's when some people say Holy spirit or some people say your conscious are you doing? Those are your kids that made it a point to be waiting on you get out of here. And I left the practice and went to the house, get in the car. Let's go to McDonald's. And I, I just like, it was that kind of mindset. You needed a two by four to hit me and go, Hey, these gifts that God has given you. And I have to, that's a moment in life that I've kept. I couldn't believe that I actually did that, but I was so out of touch with being a real caring, considerate, protective, uh, resource father, you know? No, you said it for great reason. I feel like it's so good to hear you share the other side of that experience. Right. And now as an adult in her forties, you got to realize, and what I've come to realize is my parents had me when they were 24 years old to now be an adult, to have gone through my twenties, I was selfish at 24 too. So to hear you say you were having a moment where you were thinking about self instead of being in touch with the reality of the situation was, I'm missing time with my kids. And I'm honestly prioritizing myself at this stage in my life and looking at it full circle. I give you grace. I know it's hard for her to do this because I left when we broke up, she was 10 and I was, I was like a little spider. If I was around, she was all over my neck. She was all over my daddy, you know? And when I made that mistake, some things just can't go away. You want a little funny, uh, funny ha ha moment. We were also standing on that corner at that certain time because we used to flick your mistress off. Oh, I wasn't even going to bring what you said. And we knew what time she left the church as well. She knew her name. That's why we was on that corner. But she, that's how she was. She never forgot that. You know, I wish we would get into the fun stuff like buying new shoes and stuff. That was, I tell those stories all the time. Oh, that was fun. That was actually flicking her off was a release for me. It was kind of like, yeah, she told me, yeah, lady. Yeah. We know she don't tell you about the shoe store. No, that's not, this is better. Maybe you didn't have the capacity. Maybe that's just the best that you could offer based on what you learned in your life experiences at that point at the age of 24, 32, however old you were at the time. Let me say this to you. Um, Oprah and a psychiatrist wrote a book that we read. I was impacted by this book because the book is about when people are the way they are and you criticize them on the way they are, this book talked about, let's go back to what happened. And then that'll tell you why they make the decisions they make, why they carry on like this. That's why you met your dad. Oh, wow. You want to go there? Uh, 25. I didn't know he existed. I met my dad because her mother on a Monday, I was getting ready to go to where I was laying down and what I was looking, I'd never get, I'm looking up at her and she said, tonight you're meeting your dad, your dad. That's my mama. And found out my dad lived 15 minutes from my house. You don't want to tell that story, do you? No, we don't have to go in, but it has a lot to do with the way that you showed up as a father. You didn't meet your father until you became a father. The educational system teaches you math and English and all that, but a parent teaches you how to lead and be a parent. And I don't take nothing from my mother and my auntie. That's what moved me. Because when I read the book, uh, that they wrote, uh, it was like, when you look back, your auntie spoiled you. She, she, she spoiled me into my twenties. I mean, when I made a mistake financially, I mean, I had a wife and two kids. I could go there and she was on a fixed income. And I said, I did this, I need this. And she gave me a lesson, possibly hit me twice and handed me the money. Based off of what you're saying and based off of what I know in your experience in your life, do you feel that because of the way women took care of you hand and foot, that that affected the way that you provided as a man for your children? Or expected. Or the expectation. And I'll say this, and I'm just going to be honest, being on the other side of that, right? And as your daughter, because you were so young and because of your mindset at the time was self, I didn't really get to see a man, a father provide for, for me 10, 11, the years that you can remember, right? Not counting, of course, when you were in the marriage with my mom, but I don't remember seeing that. And now that I think of it, even in the way that I pick in relationships in men, I don't make it a point or a box to be checked that they have to provide for me. I provide for myself. I'm proud to be this independent woman who can provide for me, for myself and my kids, because I never have really been provided for by a man. You can't give love unless you manifest love in yourself and you know what it's like to love something. You got to love you. Very much so. It's that line. And I never felt like. That's, that's what you never felt. I never felt like someone in the, in the male space. I can say that I've never felt like a man fully had me. I've never been able to. That's supposed to be his role. It's like sometimes God says, I'll take over and I'll be her father and I would teach her and give the things that you did, but you're still a dad. But I will, I will take care of her. I will speak for you because he knows. He has. Yeah. He does that. And that's what, when I see her accomplishments, I can't take credit. I can't take credit for when she talks. No. Do you regret not being able to? I regret, there's a room back there full of my regrets. I've come through a lot and I learned, but like I said, this late bloomer thing where you reflect back and then I've been around some great people, my boss and others that are phenomenal men. I'll tell you, I'll give you a few times where you showed up and I'm gonna share this. As you can see, based on my father's words and some of the things that we shared, after my parents' divorce, there wasn't, we weren't as close. Dad went on to live his life. It was basically me, mom, Gavin, and dad would come in and out, but he wasn't there consistently. And then shortly after I went on to pursue my career at 12. But I remember being on a plane, coming off tour and I was reading in my word and something told me to go and read the 10 commandments. And I went and I read them. Of course, we all read them in school, Bible study, whatever. But at this moment I read them. And the one thing that stuck out to me was to honor your mother and your father. And at that moment, the person that I felt I needed to forgive or have a conversation with was my dad. We didn't talk often. And that I felt at that time he had missed so many moments in my life. And I was holding some real feelings towards him. Anger. Yeah, some unresolved stuff that I needed to get out and put on the table. So I remember calling him at the time and I said, I need to talk to you. Now, my dad, if you know anything about him, he works and works and he don't, he barely gets off time and that's his first priority. So I said, hey, I need to talk to you and I need to meet you like right now when I land. Baby, I'm at work. I said, I don't care what you're doing. I need to talk to you right now. And I remember meeting you at Papa Cito's and Papa Do's off 290 and I sat him at a table and we talked and I had questions and I basically was like, why weren't you there when this happened? Why weren't you there when I had the heartbreak? Why weren't you, why didn't you show up for me this? Why didn't you this, why didn't you? And a lot of this stuff he was hearing for the first time because we didn't talk often. So he didn't know that I had been holding these feelings of anger or had had some of these experiences because I didn't share that kind of information with him because we didn't have that kind of relationship. And I felt the need in order for me to honor you, I really need to get some stuff out and we need to have open dialogues and communication so that I can start my healing process. And before I leave this table, I am going to vow to forgive him. I don't care whether I see change. I don't care whether we're on the same page or not. I am going to forgive my father when I leave this table. And I remember him sitting there with tears, hearing some of the things that I've been through and he apologized sincerely. And I remember from that moment forward, I said, first of all, I'm going to accept my father for who he is. I'm going to give him grace and I'm going to forgive him. Now granted, has he disappointed me since? Absolutely. Oh yeah. Several times. But it's okay. Here we are. And it doesn't mean when you forgive somebody that there's an expectation that they're going to change or that, you know, your world is going to be different or your experience is going to be different with them. The important thing is you're having that release. You're letting go. You hear the old saying, unforgiveness is like you drinking the poison and expecting them to die. I refuse to let that happen any longer. I refuse to be burdened by unforgiveness anymore. And honestly, that opened the door for us to have a better relationship to the point where I was having my first heartbreak. You know who this is about. So me and Slim had broke up, right? I be watching the name. We were having our first heartbreak and I remember saying, I'm going to go to the first man that has ever broken my heart. And that's my dad. Because I want him to explain why I'm having these feelings. And I want him as a man to explain why he might've done what he did or the mentality of this person, because he's a man, right? So a man should understand a man. So I'm going to talk to the man that I know that might have experience in this. So I went up to his job. I didn't even call him before I came up there and I came bawling my eyes out. I couldn't even speak. And I remember my dad, which he never does. He took off work. We got in the car and we went back to his house. I didn't drink at the time, but he poured me a glass of wine and made me a bowl of popcorn. And he sat there and explained men to me to the best of his ability. And he shared with me how men think. He just gave me a better understanding because I didn't know. I didn't know why I was so hurt. I didn't understand why these things were going on. And granted, he made me see my part in it as well. He just gave me a better understanding. And I felt like that was the beginning of our daddy daughter bond on an adult level. It was like the birds and the bees conversation that we're supposed to get middle school, high school. I was having that in my twenties with my dad, finally. And by the end of that conversation, we were singing and drinking and having a time. And I left feeling like, I think that was the first time I left feeling like, my dad has me. Wow. I have a dad. Like I knew I had a dad, but my dad fathered me in that moment. And I know had I not forgiven him, I wouldn't have been open to his counsel in that moment when I needed him the most. I wanted to share that moment in Vegas. Oh yeah. That was that's what the dinner, the pictures of us. I got on my father's day. We're cutting a steak together. We flew to Vegas to the BT awards. It wasn't BT. It was Soul Train awards. And which was hands down one of the best Soul Train awards I've ever been to. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of crazy red carpet, all that stuff. It was just me and her. And I just love, it's my dad. It's my dad. We left and I said, we got to go back. We're going to fly to my home in LA. I said, great. We can get a plane out. But dad, we need to get a rental car. So we drove from Vegas to LA in that car. And she had her iPhone plugged into the radio. Playlist was crazy. She was playing 80s and 70s and 90s. And she and I put on a concert in that car. We sang. We were singing back and forth together for four hours. Yes. I fell in love with Latoya Luckett from Destiny's Child. That girl can sing. I had a great time with my little girl. I know you're a late bloomer. I know you weren't the best dad, but I will say that I do see your efforts to grandfather your grandkids and the way that you show up for them. I feel like you wanted to show up for me and Gavin in that way, but you didn't have the capacity and you probably couldn't see past yourself enough to do that in the way that you should have and could have. And God has blessed me to be able to give grace to just people in general in my life, and especially with my dad, because you know how girls can be about their dad. We desire to be daddy's girl. And I feel that was cut short a little bit. Um, a lot. And I'm very, very protective of anybody that gets in the way of him showing up as a grandfather. And I think it's the little girl in me going, no, let him love them. Let him love them because that's how he wanted to love me. So I see you dad. I see your efforts. What I have left is yours. Just whatever I am at this point in my life, you and Gavin are just two humans that I would want to make up because y'all worth it. That was a good conversation, dad. Um, listen, like I always say, it's as real as it gets. I'll leave it to Latoya. Okay. You already know what I'm about to tell you to do. Getting them comments. Let's talk about it. This, this shook me up a little bit. And I, I'm, I'm so excited. I'm so excited that I was able to share this moment, moment with my dad. I really hope to God that even in this moment right now, call your mama and daddy, if they're still here and tell them you love them. Thank y'all for kicking it with us. Glad you got to meet my father, Daryl Luckett. Keep it locked always. So leave it to Latoya. Can't wait to see your comments. How do we both do that?