10 HARSH Truths About Healing From a Toxic Relationship

You've just come out of a toxic relationship, which is the best time to start your healing journey so that you never attract another toxic relationship again. But without these 10 harsh truths I'll share today, you may slip back into old patterns and not learn the lessons you must learn in order to not make the same mistakes. Today, I'm going to go through 10 important but harsh truths you need to know in order to break your patterns and never go through this kind of relationship or breakup ever again. This video is all about tough love today and the info you probably don't want to hear, but you need to hear it in order to change your patterns. After working with me, she learned how to permanently break her relationship patterns and change herself from the inside out, and is now living her best life, single, happy, and in Hawaii. And if you're healing from a relationship, I have a free 60-day no-contact guide with steps to follow day by day so you can heal properly from your last relationship. Type guide in the comments below and I will send it to you. The first harsh truth is that your ex did you a favor in breaking up with you or enacting the way he did that led you to break up with him. And that despite all the feelings and love you still have for him, all the ways you're still attracted to him, and all the grief and hurt you're experiencing, if you look at your life from the big picture, your ex has actually done you a favor. Because breakups happen for a reason. There aren't enough breakups in relationships, to be honest. And as a result, these people live half lives in unhappy relationships. They've robbed themselves of happiness, of health and energy, and so much just so they don't have to be alone. So congratulations on your breakup. Honestly, it's probably the best thing that's ever happened to you, even though most of you is not going to feel that way right now. So if there's even the tiniest, smallest part of you that gets what I'm saying, lean into that. Look at this relationship and be grateful for all the things you had and be just as grateful that it's ended. Because in the long run, when time passes, you know this had to happen. And thank goodness it finally did, because plenty of people don't and get to this point. They stay in unhappy relationships and it ruins their mental health, their physical health and their lives. Secondly, nothing matters more now for you than no contact. And I have a guide to help you through this type guide below. No contact is absolutely essential for you to have the kind of healing journey you deserve from now on in. Again, a lot of parts within you are going to want to speak to your ex. They're going to want to find out more about the breakup, get closure, to just feel a sense of connection with them. Even if it's hate and anger towards them. But if you want to heal in the most succinct, frictionless way, no contact is absolutely essential right now. If you could just channel that energy or even 10 percent of that energy into doing whatever it takes for you to go no contact now. Go to the extreme lengths of blocking your ex for a period of time, of not seeing people in your life that know them and of not going to places that remind you of him. Just not even allowing yourself to entertain any of those memories and thoughts and things that are going to trigger you potentially to reach out to him. Now, caveat to this, I'm not telling you to be an absolute robot and cut off or gaslight or bypass from your natural experience and grieving of the breakup. It's going to be impossible to do and not healthy, but I just want to give you as much of a chance as possible to get a clean break so that you can let the natural process of grieving and healing happen. Rather than what I see more commonly, which is that someone will find a way or an excuse to reach out to your ex. And it's like ripping a bandaid off a wound that hasn't fully healed yet. It just opens up this Pandora's box of things that were starting to heal. And you might have started to feel better than you think, oh, it's going to be fine now if I reach out to him. And then you do. And then, bam, it's just as if you're having the breakup all over again because nothing's changed. You're not different. He's not different. The incompatibility is still there. You can't fool yourself into thinking that anyone's changed when nothing's actually changed other than the time you've had away from them. So do yourself a favor and set yourself up for healing success by going no contact. Thirdly, you're never going to get full closure. Even if you have a civilized conversation and everything goes well, you're always going to get his side of the story. You're going to get more information from them and you're going to keep overthinking and going to keep coming up with all these scenarios. Maybe if I'd done this, what if I'd said that? But none of that actually matters anymore because you are now in charge of yourself and your story. You're now single. You are now on your own. You are no longer in a relationship. And the only thing that now matters is your story. What meaning you want to create around this breakup in order to heal? Because it was an unhealthy or toxic relationship, there was a lot of shadow involved, which means there were a lot of patterns that were running subconsciously. Fears and insecurities and emotions. This is now the absolute best time to take yourself on the kind of healing journey that's going to change your life forever. It's going to change the trajectory of all of your future relationships you have from here on in. So don't go back and try and get closure from your ex or have more conversations with them. Don't even go there in your mind of reliving or rehashing things. Just give yourself the gift of taking control and taking charge of your story now and know that you get to decide what meaning you want to create around the breakup. That is what will be meaningful in the thread of your life as you heal and then move on and attract someone and move into your next relationship. Number four, healing isn't linear. So you're going to start feeling better and then you'll go backwards. You'll regress. Things will come up again and you feel like you're back at square one. But don't get discouraged. Healing is like peeling back layers of an onion. So imagine the grief of a relationship ending is like a knife that pierces into layers of your onion, of you. And not only the grief of the relationship ending, but your childhood trauma is actually triggered as well. Now, you can't just peel back a few layers of your onion and be done. As you get to those underside layers, there's still going to be some trauma there from the relationship, but they won't be as intense and you'll have more agency and ability to navigate them. So even though you're still going to circle back and experience some pain despite doing healing work and going really well for periods of time, you haven't gone backwards. It's just because this journey is cyclical and we are actually healing more every time we peel back a layer off the onion. So don't fall into the trap of thinking that healing is purely linear and that healing is all about time. It is not about time. Healing is actually about energy. Some days you're going to have less friction inside of you because an easier layer is coming off. Perhaps there's not really any trauma on that layer. But then other days you're going to hit a big block of trauma or grief or emotion that needs to be healed that day. And it doesn't mean that you've gone backwards. It just means you've hit upon something significant in you that is now ready to be healed. Know that those layers and the deeper trauma when they arise only come up when you're ready. So if that's healing for you, that is a good sign because it means you've progressed enough in your journey to heal it now. Number five, your body is in physical withdrawal or detox from your ex. That is physiologically what's going on, which means physical and emotional symptoms you're experiencing now are going to be taxing on your physical and mental health. Just like an alcoholic or drug addict going into withdrawal, you know, in the movies when they're shivering and desperately wanting relief, you're going to have times like that. It's not going to be to the same degree, but inside it's going to feel sometimes that extreme because you're actually going through a withdrawal experience. There might be a part of you saying, why is this taking such a toll on you? You know, the relationship was terrible. He was awful. So why is this breakup so hard? But the truth is that you were in an attached state with him. He was your primary attachment figure. And our attachment system forms a big part of who we are and helps us to feel safe in the world and helps us to feel grounded. And being attached to someone becomes the framework that we position ourselves in the world and in our identity. Even when the relationship is awful, we do that. And that has really negative consequences on our self-esteem and self-identity. But it doesn't detract from the basic mechanism of attachment. And that is when you go from being in relationship to being single, there is a withdrawal and a detox that happens in a physical and emotional way. If you were caring for someone who was recovering from an illness that you could see clearly, you wouldn't tell them to try and recover more quickly because you can see that they're still sick and they need to take time to heal. It's exactly the same when you go through the physical and emotional withdrawal or detox of a breakup. You may not be able to see it on the outside, but you will be able to feel the symptoms on the inside. And you need to allow yourself the grace and compassion of going through that. Number six, what you so desperately wanted your ex to give you when you were in a relationship and all the things you fought for in the relationship, you now need to learn to give to yourself. Because in a toxic relationship, there is a lot of projection, desires, dreams, fears and uncertainties that are all stuffed down in the basement of your psyche. And now they've all come up as everything you wished for your partner to provide you. That is what was running your MO in the relationship when you were trying to get your needs met. And since it was an unhealthy relationship, things have broken down and you haven't had those needs met. So those things are coming up now for you to heal. In a healthy relationship, there's a good balance between meeting your own needs and getting your needs met most of the time by your partner. But in an unhealthy relationship, there's an imbalance where you're trying to get all of your needs met by the other person because you haven't fully developed the skills of self-love to know how to skillfully meet your own needs. And of course, because no one partner can meet all of your needs, you've always felt let down in relationships. But the problem is as much that you've chosen the wrong people to be in relationship with as it is that you've not got the self-love skills to the degree you need to meet your own needs. So learn how to give yourself what you actually need. Even go so far as to write a list of all the complaints you had of your ex-partner and all the ways you didn't feel seen and heard and loved and all the things you wish that he'd said or done or made you feel. And know that you now need to find ways to get those needs met yourself, whether it's meeting them for yourself or getting them met in friendships or getting creative in other ways. And this isn't to say that you can have all your needs met when you're not in a relationship. Of course not. But being single is an excellent time to get the skills to get really creative in finding ways to meet your needs. Number seven, the level at which you let go of your ex with grace is the level at which you forgive and love yourself. This ties into number six. If things are an absolute disaster and chaotic, you have got a self-love journey to get on with now. If you aren't able to let go of your ex with grace, there is wounding inside of you. There is attachment trauma inside of you that is still trying to get healed by being with that person or hating on that person and just being connected with them by keeping the situation alive within you. Whereas when you're able to accept the situation and move on with grace, it's a direct indication that you are more healed inside in terms of your relationship to yourself. So take your self-love journey seriously. Number eight, the biggest thing holding you back from healing now is you. It is not your ex. It is not any kind of external circumstance. It is not even time. It's entirely the decisions that you will now make about the relationship, about the decisions that are right for you, about the help that you reach out to get. You are now in a driver's seat. You're in control. And frankly, and this is harsh, but you need to step up and put the adult version of yourself in the driver's seat. The adult inside of you needs to put her hands on the steering wheel and say, right, I need to get this done. I need to do the right thing now for me, for all parts of me. Because if you were in a relationship that was unhealthy or toxic, there have been younger parts of you running the show. Young, naive parts within you that were thinking things would work out when there were red flags early on, but you let them fly by. So get smart and find that mature adult inside of you. Step into the driver's seat and start making those decisions for yourself. Number nine, you need to have a support network in order to fully heal. You can't fully heal alone because you've had relational wounding in this breakup that's triggered similar relational wounding from your earliest relationships in childhood. And you just can't heal relationship wounding in a bubble on your own, right? A relational wound needs to be healed in a relational context, which means with someone witnessing your journey. Now, obviously, it's not going to be healed with your ex because that is no longer a safe space. It needs to be healed in safe relationships around you. Safe friendships, safe family relationships or with a therapist or with a coach or myself can provide you with that. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can do this all on your own. And if you think you can and try to, it's a really clear indication and sign to me that you do have attachment trauma because you have that hyper independent part of you running. And that part is just frankly going to hold you back from fully healing. And you'll just end up falling into another unhealthy relationship and be stuck in the cycle again and again. Which brings me to my last point. You will attract another similarly unhealthy or toxic relationship and play out all of your old wounds and patterns if you ignore my advice in this video. If you listen to this and there's a part of you that knows this is right, but you just choose not to pay attention and not to see the golden opportunity you have at this moment in time to really heal. You will go through the same thing again. And it does not get easier. It gets worse. And you keep having more and more unhealthy relationships. If you look at the trajectory of unhealthy relationships, particularly in my past, things just got worse and worse. I accepted less and less. And I attracted more and more toxic people until I hit my breaking point. And I really wish for you that this is going to be your last breaking point. That this breakup is going to be the last time you experience something as triggering and as unhealthy and as toxic as the experience you've had where all these wounds are being triggered in your breakup. If you do the things that I've said in this video, take action, even go so far as come and work with me. It will change the game for you. It will change your relationships. Let this be the moment in time where all of a sudden things took a complete turn, a 180 and all of your relationships got better. But it's up to you and how you choose to respond. So please, if this is spoken to you, reach out to me, book a call with me in the link below so that I can best guide you on your journey of healing. In the meantime, here are some next step videos for you to watch so you can move one step closer to having a healthy, beautiful relationship to yourself and others. And in the meantime, I will see you in the next video.