Dating App Tips For Women (+ I Show You My Profile!)

I was using dating apps wrong for years and when I finally figured out how to shift things, all of a sudden I was able to get better matches, to feel better when I was on the app, to actually connect with people more genuinely and I'm going to show you four tips to be able to do that today. Now make sure you stick around to the end of the lesson because I'm actually going to show you my online dating profile that got nearly 3,000 likes in just a couple of days. And if you're new to this channel, welcome. My name is Amy Kerr and I work with women who keep attracting unhealthy relationship cycles and partners and I help them to feel confident, safe and secure in their body so that they can actually consciously date to create the relationship they really desire. And if you want more content on this topic, please hit the subscribe button and the bell so you get notified because I'm posting new lessons like this every week. And before we begin, I want to let you know that a few places have opened up on my calendar for the free one-to-one strategy session with me and my team for the Love by Design program. If you want to know more about how to apply for that, just stick around to the end of the lesson and I'll share it with you then. The first thing you need to do when you're online dating is you need to absolutely ditch your type. And what I mean by this is the type of person that you tend to swipe right on and you can really figure out who these people are by looking at, you know, who your past exes were. What do they all have in common? What values do they have in common? What patterns played out in the relationship that's really, really common? Because if you have a tendency to keep attracting emotionally unavailable people or just the wrong kinds of partners on dating apps, there is a certain type that's informing your finger when you swipe right and you need to dig in and get curious about what that is. And a really great way to do that is to look at what turns you on, what excites you. Those kinds of activations of the nervous system are actually signs that your deeper attachment patterns are being activated. And when you're continually drawing in emotionally unavailable people, that is what's going on. If you want to know more about that pattern, I want you to watch this video next. Now, in a pattern of attracting the wrong kinds of partners, healthy, secure people are going to seem boring to you because you're so drawn and attracted to this other type. And, you know, healthy people just aren't going to activate those old wounds. And that's what we want. We want a healthy, secure partnership, right? Now, this brings me to the actual, you know, point. When you choose to date online, the point of online dating is to widen your funnel, widen the catchment of people that you connect with, that you can potentially, you know, foresee a future with. But if too early on in the game, you're narrowing who you swipe right on, you're effectively closing down that funnel and making it very small. You're actually shooting yourself in the foot because that's the point of online dating. You've got to widen your funnel and swipe right on as many people as you feel you can. And I really recommend to my clients particularly to swipe right more than not because quite often people, men in particular, aren't that good at setting up decent online dating profiles. The pictures they take are awful. So just assume when you're swiping based on a kind of decent appearance in the photo that there's potential there. But that, you know, physical attraction is only one part of what makes up attraction. There's so much more there. So swipe right more often and leave the discernment and the sorting to when you're texting and talking with them and actually going out on a date, right? Don't place so much importance on sorting when you're actually swiping. The second thing you need to make sure when you're dating online so that you can have this kind of great mindset and be really proactive and find someone is to have great boundaries. Boundaries are where it's at and there are a couple of different kinds of boundaries you need to have when you're actively dating online. The first one is you need to make sure you only spend about 20 to 30 minutes on the app every day, right? That's all you need to do your swiping, to do your texting any longer and it can be too draining because this is not a short-term process online dating. You're not just going to install the app, swipe a couple of times and find the right person. It does not work like that. You need to invest the time in it over a period of time and in order to do that you need to make it manageable for you. So just set 20 minutes to 30 minutes once a day at the same time of day in the evening. I've done this in my matches of notice. They only expect me to reply at a certain time and they just get used to that. It works actually really well. The other thing with setting a boundary with your use of the app is it makes sure that you're not too available because what we want to stop doing is just texting for seven or eight hours with the person and putting all of our eggs in one basket. We're not here to have that fairy tale swept off our feet conversation via text with a stranger that we don't actually know. That kind of time that you put in with someone does not happen for weeks after you've met them and there's been a whole lot of things that you've done to select and discern around what their core values are, their preferences, all of these things doesn't happen at the very beginning. So you need to have boundaries around how available you are to those people you're connecting with. It also weeds out people that are just there to text. People that are just bored and they just want to spend time texting with you, right? You really only want to attract in people that are there for the long term in order to find someone that aligns with their values as well. Now, another boundary here is to keep things really casual. If you notice the person you're texting with is all of a sudden starting to call you pet names and talk about love, it's a completely inappropriate form of communication for texting someone that you just don't even know. It's inappropriate for the platform as well, right? So make sure that you keep it casual yourself and if you notice that other person is coming on too strong, that kind of love bombing can show that there's a level of emotional unavailability there, you know, that they're going to completely swing in the other direction sometime down the line. Don't let your ego be fooled by that kind of behavior on the dating apps. So what you're really doing when you're in this stage around this boundary of being on the app is you're establishing a friendship effectively, right? Regardless of how you see them and meet them, you're going to be friends for the next seven or eight weeks. That's how dating should work. So you're establishing a friendship, you're asking them questions about their interests and all of those things and another boundary is to make sure that you don't text for too long because you want to actually see if you vibe, right? The vibe happens if you're on a phone call together or a Zoom call or just meeting up casually for a coffee. So set a boundary about how long you'll actually text with someone and if you're interested in them, you know, ask them to meet up within some level and if they're not willing to do that, they might just be looking for a pen pal. Please let me know in the comments below what you think about these tips. If you have any more, if I've missed anything, I would love to hear from you. The third thing you need to make sure you do when you're dating online is to keep your standards high but your expectations very, very low, right? So keep your standards high by knowing how you want to be treated, right? The person that you want, how are they going to be showing up? How does showing up with respect and honesty look like from the texting stage? What does the kind of the phone call look like? Keep that standard really high but your expectations low because 99.9% of the people you're swiping with are not going to meet that. So then you might think, well Amy, why did I bother swiping on them at all? The reason we swipe on more people and keep the funnel open earlier on is because we want to get out of this pattern of only dating a certain type and then we want to be able to effectively discern and sort through a wider variety of people so that we have our eyes open around what the potential is as opposed to the more narrow field we have later on. But this is a paradox around online dating that the higher your standards are, the smaller the pool of people that you'll actually want to meet with. So you need to make sure your initial funnel of people you're swiping on is as wide as you can make it. Another thing you need to do when you're keeping your standards high is to communicate that right. Keep your standards in for yourself as well. Make sure you're communicating what you want, allowing them to meet that or not. It's completely up to them and you don't need to take it personally if they ghost you, which just means they're not interested and weren't able to actually communicate that to you because not everyone has great communication skills. But just keep your standards high around that and that will help you to sort through people more effectively. Keep your standards high around what you're looking for in a partner, what core values you need them to have, what your preferences are that you would like to have met but aren't, you know, like deal breakers. And again, most people won't meet that and it's going to take you time to figure out if they meet your core values or not. So don't just instantly look at a profile and think, oh they're never going to meet those core values, therefore I'm going to swipe left. You need to be keeping the funnel open to allow yourself to discern through the texting stage more effectively. Now you also need to keep your expectations of the app very low as well. You know, if we have high expectations for dating apps, this is why we tend to delete them and then put them back on and delete them again, right? Keep your expectations low. You will not find a relationship instantly on a dating app. You won't have relationship material in their profile. It just doesn't work like that. We can only know if we want to go in relationship with someone after we've been dating them for seven or eight weeks and we've actually gotten to know them on a friendship level. The dating app process is there so that we can slowly work our way through as many variety of people as possible. And again, that's the point of dating apps is to connect us with a wider variety than we could organically. But it is a slow process and it's effectively the most important decision of your life, right? So, you know, if you were buying your first house, you wouldn't just buy the first house that you see, right? You would go and see quite a number of houses and you would think about what you want, what you need. It's the same thing with deciding a partner to go into relationship with. The last and probably most important tip that I have for you around dating online is to be as open and honest with yourself and others as possible. Because if you're not, you are just wasting your time and you are wasting a lot of time if you are on a dating app but you're actually not ready for a relationship or you're only swiping on people that, you know, are your type but turn out to be emotionally unavailable. So, you know, firstly get really clear. Are you ready for this? Are you open, ready, willing and available to put in the time it takes to go through the stage in the process of discerning, texting, dating and then that falls back so you've got to go back to the swiping, texting, discerning stage, right? It's a cycle and you've got to be willing and ready to go through that cycle many, many times until you find someone that you want both to go into relationship with. If you go into online dating with this kind of apathetic half in, half out or I'm just testing the water's energy, that's also problematic because that kind of energy comes through in all of your communication, right? Those people can pick up on your apathy. So, you're actually again wasting your time by being there if you're not actually fully present and committed to the process. Now, that was one of the biggest mistakes I made when I was dating online was to have this kind of apathetic, I'm just going to test the waters, be half in, half out kind of mindset because it does filter through and it filtered through into all of my matches and it actually came across really clear on my profile as well which is why I want to show you my profile as it stands that has attracted a lot of matches and I've been able to go through this process really successfully time and time again and meet some really wonderful high value dating partners in this way. So, here's my actual profile. I go into quite a lot of detail around what I'm looking for, what I'm about but I make it fairly short and sweet. You know, I don't really have any humor in there. I'm really kind of clear on what I'm looking for and I find that this really attracts people that respect me for asking what I want. I really appreciate that this energy that I put out on my profile attracts that energy in as well. I talk about platonic dating in this profile because, you know, when you're dating for the first seven or eight weeks, you're really looking to establish friendship with this person. You might have some intimacy there, you might be having sex with them but you're still only in a friendship stage. It's really important to know that is the boundary you need to have when you're dating. Equally as important as a relatively detailed, open and honest profile like this is your first picture in your profile as well and as a bonus, I'm going to show you that now. You want to have as open a picture of yourself that shows your natural energy as best you can and a photo like this is one I took of myself. You know, I really just try to embody and be my most natural, warm and inviting self and I found this to be a really, really successful tactic for putting pictures up on a platform that really is designed to open and draw people into you. So, with these tips, I've given you some pointers around it but if I was to leave you with one key takeaway from this today and that is to show up fully on the platform in that picture, in that profile, in those conversations, have boundaries around them so that you can do that in a way that you can manage your own energy as well. But all of my disasters that have happened with online dating in the past have happened because I've been apathetic, I've been not really enjoying my time there and when you're not really enjoying something, it's just going to come across and people are going to take that personally and it's going to really put off potentially healthy partners. Now, if you find yourself struggling with being able to do that, you might be experiencing some past fear or some past loss of trust and you're struggling to move on from that and if that's you, I really want you to join me in this webinar below where I teach you the three-step process to be able to clear your past and connect with your true authentic self so that you can show up on the dating apps and create the relationship you really desire and that is my proven three-step process to creating a secure relationship and you can join me in the link below. I also have a free Facebook group if you'd like to meet me personally, it'd be wonderful to see you in there, you can join in the description below and if you want to have a free one-on-one strategy session with me and my team for the Love by Design program, my calendar link is below, click down there and find the time and we'll speak with you soon. And if you found this video helpful, please click the like button, you'll be helping this channel out a lot and for now, here are some next step videos for you to watch so that you can move one step closer to having the most incredible relationship with yourself and with the person that you deserve. And for now, I'll see you in the next video.