The Traumatizing Cycle of Toxic Relationships (+ How to Break It)

There's so much advice here on YouTube on what to look for in order to avoid attracting another emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partner. But what's not talked about very often is the actual internal processes and wounds that are going on within you that keep attracting them. This core wound will actually keep attracting the same types of people until you heal. So I'm actually going to go through what a harmful cycle of a toxic relationship looks like from the perspective of your behaviors and what's going on with your core wounds to enable it. And what you do as a common denominator to keep attracting them so we can identify how to heal the wounds and break the pattern forever. And make sure you stick around to the end because I'm going to unpack the one key that will actually ensure that this cycle will be broken. And if you're new to this channel, welcome. My name is Amy and I help women who are stuck in a cycle of attracting unhealthy relationships. And I help them to break the cycle by healing their relationship to themselves so they can feel free and confident on their own and show up in their romantic relationships as their true authentic self. And if you'd like more content on that topic, please subscribe to my channel. Click the bell so you get notified when I post new lessons, which is every week. Now, before I begin, Heal Your Heart School is open for enrollment. So if you'd like to know more about how to apply for that, stick around to the very end. So we're going to go through the typical life cycle or pattern of what a toxic relationship looks like. I've got lots of notes today, so I want you to type guide in the comments below and I will send you a link to a PDF you can download so you can have those notes. So the first stage, typically in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, is what I call the honeymoon stage. In the honeymoon stage, everything moves really, really quickly. There's probably love bombing going on or at least exaggerated displays of affection, which is probably inappropriate given that they're a stranger to you or you're a stranger to them. And it's these displays of affection or love that kind of verify this feeling of, wow, you've met them before or they're your soulmate or twin flame. And you get attached really quickly in this stage. Everything seems to be beautiful and amazing. And the strength of this stage is actually what sets up the rest of the relationship to deteriorate. The connection is so strong that there's this kind of feeling that you don't have much choice in the person that you're connecting with because it's kind of meant to be or it's magical or mystical in some way. You just feel like you're getting pulled into their world. There was just nothing else you could do. And they they just seem to match up with you in all these ways that your exes didn't. Right. You've got this cognitive bias going on that's kind of telling you that they're the one. And you have this underlying feeling in your body that you're home when you meet them or that you're safe with them. It's this familiarity in the body that you can't kind of articulate. But this is the part that actually sets you up for failure in the relationship. And conversely, when you're moving into a healthy relationship with a person, the kind of high highs don't exist at the start. It's a very kind of calm kind of movement of choice. And you're moving into it kind of consciously. There's a lot of unconscious riffraff going on in the honeymoon period when you're in an unhealthy or toxic relationship because of all the wounds that are being kind of triggered, but in a good way at this point. And then what always happens is there's the first conflict. And I make a big deal about this because this is the first time a rupture has happened where they do or say something that breaks the bond or breaks your trust. But you decided in this moment that based on the strength of the honeymoon period, that it was understandable or it was excusable. You believe that this is a one off. You believe what they're saying to be true. You haven't seen that their actions don't match their words yet because you haven't been around them for very long. This might only happen in the first couple of weeks or the first couple of months. But what's actually going on is, you know, they're saying something to you that actually probably isn't true. There's some manipulation that's already started. But you're in this high high from the honeymoon. You just have no capacity to really even believe that they would be lying to you at this point because you've put them on such a pedestal. And because of all the subconscious things that are going on, which I talk about a lot on my channel, it means that you're actually really attached to this person, right? You can't even fathom like walking away from them. So you're actually really willing to buy into their story in words and how they present themselves and what they're saying. You kind of like hang on to that as if that's truth. But at this point, if someone who is healthy, if this is a healthy relationship, often the level of conflict or the level of betrayal at this first point will actually sever a bond significantly enough that the relationship just won't occur. I don't want to generalize too much around here because, of course, healthy relationships experience conflict in the early stages and people work through it. But the level of the issue, the level of the thing that they did or that they said is generally really high. And we don't respond or react appropriately because the honeymoon period was so amazing. Right. We don't actually see it as a red flag. We kind of ignore the red flag, whereas in a healthy relationship and there's conflicts that are going on, the level of the conflict is responded to appropriately by both parties. And you're there deciding and discerning, you know, is this red flag going to be an issue further down the line? And you certainly don't forget about it or gaslight yourself because at this moment you decide to actually ax off a part of you that's telling you this isn't OK, that what he said or what he's done is really problematic and is a red flag. You're ignoring that part and you actually start to self-abandon. This is where you trust and believe their intentions and words over the part of you that knows better. OK, you override your own judgment, you override your own intuition because you're believing in what they're saying and believing in the strength of the connection from the honeymoon period. So you're prioritizing connection with them over connection within yourself. And this is what I mean by self-abandonment. So you're not internally checking in with your own needs, preferences, not checking in with how you're feeling. You're actually overly focused on this external connection with them in order to feel safe, in order to feel connected and feel OK within yourself and the relationship. And the strength of the honeymoon period really makes you think that it can be like that again, right? We just need to get over this hump and then it will go back to being the way it was before. This is just a one off. But of course, what happens is conflicts keep happening. More conflicts happen, right? They continue their unhealthy or manipulative or disingenuous behavior. Try not to generalize as a whole lot of nuance around the types of unhealthy or toxic relationships I'm referring to. But essentially, I'm saying it just happens again and again, right? And whether it's lying, manipulation, gaslighting, cheating, or whether it's just not representing themselves and not making an effort and pushing it all on you and not taking any responsibility, it happens again and again. And it causes you to, if you're already connected, to keep going into this self-abandonment state because you've relied on them already for the connection. It's even harder the further you get into it to walk away from it and get back to your sense of self. Particularly if you have a history of this kind of self-abandonment behavior. And if you also have a history of self-abandonment since childhood because of earlier trauma or earlier abandonment trauma. So as these conflicts happen, you're suffering from anxiety, right? Lack of sleep, chronic stress, low energy, and you're constantly feeling distracted. And you keep thinking, we'll just get over this next one. He'll finally, you know, see the light and he'll finally choose me, right? He'll finally commit because often this is about him not being able to commit to you and the behaviors that happen around that. But unbeknownst to you, it can never, ever, ever be like that again. Never. Because what was actually going on at the beginning was they were representing themselves disingenuously and not truthfully. So who you actually fell in love with and went into connection with doesn't actually exist. You were both playing the best version of yourselves. And this is a natural thing to do that we all do. But the level of this that was going on in the honeymoon period was so false. I've been fooled a few times and I'm a really smart, intelligent, astute woman. They're very good at putting on this version of themselves. And they might not even be doing it maliciously. That's actually just the way that they like to connect with people. But they're actually there's this other version of who they are. You're not going to see that until these conflicts come out. And unfortunately, you can never get back to that original time because that person just doesn't exist. And what you're actually now seeing is their real behavior, right? That's what's actually coming up. So more and more conflicts happen. And then eventually, you know, you're staying way too long, probably. Most of the women that I talk to always say they stayed way too long. I can't believe it. I didn't see the red flags or ignored them. But eventually the pain gets too intense. Too many conflicts happen and you break up. And it's normally an intense, fiery breakup that is devastating. And there's this huge sense of betrayal and abandonment coming from you because you're still clinging to that version of who he was in the honeymoon period. Believing that that's actually who he was. But it never actually was who he was. You've been seeing the real him in this kind of red line period. So now if you don't resonate with this and you're just like, you know, why doesn't this person just leave, right? It's one of the big questions that I can answer so confidently because I've been in that situation. Why don't you just leave? Instead of seeing his behavior as the problem, you think it's a you problem, right? You've actually turned the problem on yourself. If you can only love him more, he'll stay. If you can only do this, he'll commit to you, right? But you're taking on an inappropriate amount of responsibility for what's actually going on in the relationship because you're not the one that's lying or cheating or manipulating or gaslighting, right? You're probably listening, taking responsibility, taking too much responsibility. And there's also this pattern of coercive control that's just starting to be really unpacked and researched and understood. That is a tendency for some people in the masculine or men where they project, right? They just can't take responsibility for their behaviors and they project it onto the woman or the feminine partner or the other partner saying, you're the problem. You made me do this. The number of times I've been told I'm responsible for a behavior that came from then is unbelievable. And what is even more unbelievable is that I've been conditioned, socialized as a woman to believe them. So you start to think that it's actually you who's toxic, right? And his words around that actually play into your own low self-esteem and low self-worth, which comes from this kind of core worthiness wound. Deep down, you actually think that you're deserving of this kind of behavior. And if you've had a lifetime of unhealthy relationships and if you never had your emotional needs met and didn't feel safe and secure in your relationships when you were a child, you're actually accustomed to this kind of unhealthy, coercive behavior. As subtle as it might have been, this carries through into your adulthood and your nervous system is actually wired to think that this is love, right? To think, oh, I've got to be better as a person. I've got to do better because that's how I can get love, right? Your modus operandi becomes I've got to win love and I've got to perform for love. These are all patterns of mind that I've moved through, but they're extremely harmful. But at the crux of it, they make you stay in what is an extremely unhealthy or toxic situation. Now, if you want to know more about all those deeper attachment reasons as to why you stay in all the core wins that I talked about, I want you to watch this video next. Now in the fallout of the breakup, what you will find is that you've lost yourself, right? You've just totally abandoned yourself this whole time because you've been so focused on winning him and doing everything you can to make it better again when actually he's the source of the problem. And in tolerating such awful behavior, you've actually had to disassociate from yourself. So you're completely cut off from the neck, right? You're not connected with your body. You're not connected with your needs. You've gone through trauma, right? You've suffered PTSD and CPTSD, right? You've suffered a traumatic experience with that person that mimics some level of trauma, whether it's complex or acute from your earlier relationships in childhood. And for me, the worst toxic relationship that I stayed in, what was more devastating than the breakup was the devastation of realizing how much I'd self-abandoned. Like I did not know who I was when I got out of that relationship and the grief of me losing me was far greater. And it took so much to get out of that relationship as well because of these incredibly sticky bonds. So I want to show you now what actually keeps the cycle going because you might have found yourself in these kinds of relationships again and again. So I'm going to show you why what you've been doing in your healing stage hasn't actually helped. And again, I have all these diagrams and stuff in the PDF. So just type guide in the comments below and I'll send you the link to the guide. So you've got them all. So here's the cycle from a visual perspective. We've got the honeymoon period that moves into the conflict period. The first conflict and then several conflicts and the period at which you were then self-abandoning. And then you move into this kind of limbo land where you're still self-abandoning and working really hard to get him to love you. But the conflicts just keep happening again and again. And then eventually there's this painful breakup. And then you move into your healing journey. Now, this healing journey is where I see women get really stuck and is why I'm really passionate about what I do. Because I got stuck and a lot of things didn't work and I found what does work and is what I teach. You leave your last toxic relationship determined to never let it happen again, right? You're determined to find yourself, reclaim yourself, do whatever it takes. Okay, you do all the healing work. You go to therapy, you do meditation, you go on retreats, you do programs, you do journaling, all the things. Yet, they don't actually heal the core wound that keeps you self-abandoning. The number of times women have said to me, I know it all in my head. I've got a PhD on attachment theory. I've watched all of your channel. I get it. But I still went into another relationship where a few months in the guy wasn't who he said he was. He started to do these toxic things and I stayed and I self-abandoned. And the reason for this is that because this kind of work, top-down healing work, doesn't actually address the core wound that keeps you self-abandoning. Your healing journey isn't effective. It just circles the drain of the things, right? You probably do feel a lot better. You probably do feel a lot different inside of yourself. But the actual part of you that latches on to the emotionally unavailable person is still there. She's just really, really quiet. And of course, she gets triggered and comes out when she meets a new person that has that familiar dynamic from all your other relationships that originally come from childhood. So we've actually got to go directly to the core and heal. So this is the key to understanding how to break the cycle for good. And if you've tried to break the cycle and haven't, this is what you need to take away from this video. Self-abandonment fuels the toxic relationship cycle. Self-abandonment, where you override the self, is extremely sneaky. You can think you're not self-abandoning and you're self-abandoning because we gaslight ourselves into thinking we're doing something that we're not. And you can have so much self-awareness, but the internal loop of what's actually going on, you don't know what you don't know. And that's why bringing another person into the equation, reaching out and getting help from a coach or a therapist or a friend, is really going to help you kind of like see where you're self-abandoning around this, where you're gaslighting yourself, talking yourself into things that aren't true. So like I said, this self-abandonment originally comes from these wounds that live in the body that talk therapy, top-down therapy, top-down healing work, and even like somatic work, like breath work, don't actually get to the core of. We need to come into a relationship with and heal our relationship to this abandonment wound and understand what core wounds are being triggered in the honeymoon period that gets you to believe that honeymoon period and how he's presenting himself is actually the real thing because we know that it's not, right? These wounds come from this deep energetic place in the body that so deeply wants to believe that what you're seeing is real and you live in this kind of fantasy, which of course gets completely burned down when the rest of the cycle continues. So this trauma is pre-verbal, right? You've actually formed this site of trauma before you're even able to speak. If you came from a family where your parents weren't emotionally available or there was some level of trauma, we actually have to go and work in the body and I have an entire video on what that's all about and how to do that in this video here and what work actually works to heal the core wounds. But for now, if you want to actually get the complete three-step process that I teach inside Heal Your Heart School to break this cycle, I have a one-hour webinar that walks you through it and we actually do one of the techniques in there. So I invite you to join in the link below. I also have a Facebook group. If you want to meet me live there, we do Facebook Live sometimes. Just join. It'd be great to meet you. And if you actually want to know about how to work with me inside Heal Your Heart School, you can submit an application for a discovery call with me and my team. There's a link to my calendar in the description below. Meanwhile, please comment. Let me know what you thought of this video. Are you in the cycle at the moment? What part of this cycle are you in? And if this video was helpful, click the like button because it will help my video and my channel out a lot in the algorithm. And for now, here are some follow-on videos for you to watch so that you can move one step closer to breaking the cycle and having a beautiful relationship with yourself, showing up in your romantic relationships as your true self. And for now, I will see you in the next video.