7 Things Secure Love ISN'T

When all we've known is insecure love or dramatic unhealthy relationships, our definition of love has become dysregulated. You might not even know what healthy love is, and I'm going to go through the seven surprising facts about what healthy secure love is not, so that you can get really clear on what being in a great relationship is all about, what's actually required of you, and you might be really surprised with how much conventional advice this video is going to go against. Now, make sure you stick around to the end of the video because the last point is probably the most surprising of all. And if you're new to this channel, welcome. My name is Amy and I work with women in my program Love by Design to end insecurity and anxiety in their relationships, and I teach them to become really secure within themselves so they can attract a healthy partner and create a relationship they really desire. And if you want more content on this topic, please be sure to subscribe to this channel, hit the bell button so you get notified because I post lessons like this every week. Now, before we begin, I want to announce that a few places have opened up on my calendar for a free one-to-one strategy call with me for the Love by Design program. Make sure you stick around to the end of the video because I'll show you how to apply for that. Firstly, secure love is not rushed. Relationships that grow quickly or get rushed into right off the bat of chemistry or connection will inevitably have to deal with conflict, which is where compatibility really shows. If you're not actually compatible and you've rushed into a relationship, things will crash and burn because you didn't take the time to let secure love grow naturally and organically while you were figuring out if you're actually a fit. So if you tend to look for fireworks or lust or chemistry when you're dating, you're going to be attracting superficial relationships based on chemistry that will always wear off. So know what values you're looking for in a person and know that your ideal partner might show up as a bit boring or dull in the first few days because secure people aren't used to dating. They're used to being in relationships, so they can take a while to open up. They're just checking out the connection with you and they're in no hurry and neither should you be. Secondly, secure love is not enough to keep a relationship afloat. It takes a tribe to support and strengthen a relationship. Your connections with your friends, your family, your own hobbies, and what you love to do away from your partner all bring in energy to the relationship container and keep it fresh and interesting. If you shut off those connections, you'll be stifling your relationship. You can't get all your needs met from your partner. It's impossible. No one is capable of giving you that. Also, keep in mind that you need to maintain your relationship with yourself and figure out how to creatively meet your own needs when your partner can't. The only person that can really advocate for our needs and set healthy boundaries in a relationship is ourselves. And when we hold a strong container for ourselves, we can also be there for our partner when they need us and vice versa. Your partner also needs to have their own network of support and interests and friends and their own relationship with themselves so they can show up authentically and express their needs to you and communicate boundaries that keep them healthy and happy inside and out. Number three, secure love is not a feeling. It's an action. It's something that you do every day either as an act of self-love, feeling secure within yourself or towards your partner to create secure love daily with them and put energy into the relationship container so that it doesn't run dry. You are only as secure as the last action you took to show love to yourself and your partner. It needs to be an evergreen consistent flow of energy exchange. If we rely on love only as a feeling, we'll lose that love as soon as something goes wrong because feelings come and go. They're like clouds in the sky as Thich Nhat Hanh says, but the container of commitment is the blue sky behind the clouds. That is where the secure relationship is. It's always there and it always needs our attention. You won't always feel feelings of love towards your partner, but you've made a commitment to the relationship and you've got to show up to them every day and not rely on the feeling to be there. Number four, secure love isn't perfect because you and your partner are not perfect. If you've had an insecure attachment in the past, there's every chance you'll experience anxiety and uncertainty and insecurity at some stage in the relationship, which is completely normal. And we can also expect that our partner will come with their own past and baggage and wounds that will show up in the relationship at some stage as well. So establishing a secure loving relationship is also about accepting our own shadow and our partner's shadow and expecting it to pop up at some stage. And when it does, a secure partnership addresses those issues as something outside of the relationship container that you both need to work together to communicate and manage. So practice vulnerability with your partner. Really open up to them and let them know how you've not done well in the past and what your flaws are. Own them and also hold a safe space to listen to theirs as well. It's really smart to communicate about our flaws and insecurities before they take hold of the relationship. So expect them to crop up and prepare in advance. I'd even go so far to say that it's a great idea to have a third party. You can circle in to help you both manage those things when they come up or get too big like a therapist or a counselor because even a little bit of help can ensure that your relationship won't unnecessarily break apart when you could have saved it. Number five, secure love won't fix your problems. We can get into this bad habit of thinking that all of our problems will be fixed if we can just find the right person. But if you've actually carried your patterns from partner to partner and you're noticing the same patterns happen again and again, you can be sure that you have responsibility here because you are the constant factor in those unhealthy relationships. So finding a healthy secure partner won't fix your insecurities or your anxieties. You've got to do that work on yourself. And that is what I teach you how to do in my program Love by Design, which you can enroll to book a free call with me at the end of this video. Now number six, secure love is not easy. If you look at other relationships and think why is it so easy for them and so hard for me? I want you to know that secure love is really formed when both partners are vulnerable and open up to each other and that takes a level of self-awareness and communication that a lot of people don't have and not everyone needs to be open and honest at that level, but conscious relationships that are have so much healing potential for us and it's so worth putting in the effort to learning these skills to form deep intimacy and connection. And no, it's not easy. If we've had wounds and a history of relationship trauma, but it is worth the healing potential in feeling belonging and safety and trust with a partner who loves you and all of your flaws. Number seven, secure love is not dramatic. We can mistakenly think that when we're in a boring or dull relationship that because those exciting dramatic feelings aren't there anymore. This isn't right. Like I should be feeling more than this. And this is when we start creating drama in the relationship. We find ways that the relationship isn't right anymore. We get nitpicky about little things that then blow up out of proportion and sabotage the relationship. We think that we should have that feeling and rush of chemicals we had at the beginning all the time. Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel like this. We should and we can if we stop thinking that our partner is the one that's supposed to be providing those feelings for us because familiarity is going to wipe out excitement and a rush of a new relationship. It's a given. So the responsibility actually lies on us to create polarity and opportunity for a balance between excitement and security without ruining or sabotaging the relationship. Now, I really love Esther Perel's work on this. She talks about creating rituals and space in a relationship. So there can be a bit of unknowingness and sexy excitement in a relationship, a little bit of spark and uncertainty and you can create this by doing something a little outside of the box like plan an extravagant date or buy a new sexy outfit or pick up a new sexy hobby that really sparks and revitalizes the connection you have with your partner. So meet the need for uncertainty in a relationship without sabotaging it or thinking that because things are boring and dull, it's all your partner's fault and you're with the wrong person. So now you know the seven things to help redefine what secure love really is and isn't and I want you to consider how much of this you can take responsibility for and create yourself in your relationship. There's so much about creating healthy relationship that isn't about finding the right person or sending the right text to hook him in. It's really about being grounded in your own identity and having that self-integrity and awareness to form authentic intimate connections with people and I teach you more about how to do this in my free training below in the three steps to creating a secure relationship. I'd love you to join me there. You can sign up in the link below. Also, please come meet me personally in my free Facebook group Love by Design. We do live Q&As every week and I'd love to answer any questions you have and of course, if you do, you can always pop them in the comments below. I'd love to hear how this video landed for you and like I said at the beginning, the free strategy session can be applied for in the link below in my calendar and if you found this video helpful and it's helping you out around knowing what secure love is and isn't, please click the like button so more people see this video and if you want more content like this, hit the subscribe button. In the meantime, here are some great next step videos for you to watch so that you can move one step closer to an incredible relationship with yourself and the partner you desire and for now, I'll see you in the next video.