Why My Dating Advice Is Dangerous for You (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)

This week I held a private event for the clients of my online programs here in New York where Jameson and I are right now and although there was a ton of Q&A that evening and I answered lots of members questions there was one moment that I thought might be really interesting to bring to you guys this week. So check it out. Okay, so this is an email that was sent to me. The subject line is from a former eligible bachelor. Now, this guy had watched a video of mine. Do you remember I did that video where we did a kind of a satire of the Twilight Zone. We called it we called it the Twilight Phone. You've just crossed over into the Twilight Phone. And we basically described a situation between a man and a woman, a real situation that happened where they had been texting and she didn't get the result she wanted. This is from Daniel Caspi. Dear Matt, I felt compelled to write to you after watching your latest video about maintaining great energy even when investment is low. As a former Chicago's most eligible bachelor, what I love about your videos is that they come from a place of integrity, vulnerability, humor and authenticity. While the advice you give your female followers would absolutely work on me if I was the guy in those scenarios, what struck me about your latest video is how gender-neutral the text exchange actually was. It could just as easily have been titled, She's stringing you along. As you have reiterated, powerfully demonstrating your standards is always sexy. While I agree your strategy worked to score the date, there is a bigger and more important red flag that I was surprised you didn't mention. It has to do with the text from the guy with the upside-down face. He sent her a message saying, great meeting you. She then said, you too, how's your Sunday been? Pretty decent start, right? Except for the fact that he didn't reply until... Well, Tuesday has been great, upside-down face. How's your week been so far? This is not just low investment behavior, referring to the upside-down face, it's immature and game-playing. Not responding for two days is low investment, but responding late and not acknowledging it is another. In this scenario, I wouldn't have replied at all. Silence has a beautiful way of saying you're not meeting my standards in the fewest possible words. Dan raises an important point, which is there's certain red flags, and you have to distinguish between what red flags are points of education that you now have to work with someone, or whether that red flag is something that really should have you walking the other way, sometimes running. I find myself worried sometimes about our advice, in the sense that it works. So, if you have a guy who you shouldn't be trying with, because he's only going to give you more bad behavior in the future, you can, at least in the short term, change his behavior. You can send him a message, something that I say normally, or tell you to do, that will change his behavior. You'll go, oh my god, I sent him that message, or I did that thing, and it worked. But then, three weeks later, he reverts to type. I think this is dangerous, and the big red flag that I would say to watch out for, there are two. The one type of guy is the guy who doesn't even acknowledge mistakes. That's a really unattractive quality in human beings in general. If someone can't acknowledge mistakes, big red flag for a relationship. The second kind of guy is the guy who acknowledges mistakes, and changes behavior momentarily, and then changes right back. Now, what you know with this person is, it's simply a transaction. They're not changing because they want to change, or they're not evolving because they want to evolve, and they're not a teammate in a relationship. They're simply doing it as a transaction, to try and get you to behave a certain way, if they start behaving the way you want. The third type of guy is the guy who acknowledges and grows. Who acknowledges and becomes a teammate, and says, I know how to please you more now, or I know how to do better, and they decide to do that. The third one is always the one that you're looking for, right? You're always looking for that third person. You'll get to that third person quicker, if you get good at ditching the wrong ones quicker, by the way. That's important. Sometimes you don't meet that next guy, because you spend so much time with the current guy. I mean, look, how hard is it? Over a course of a month, you can let people off the hook a couple of times. In a one-month period, you have tons of space to let people off the hook a bunch of times, before you say enough is enough. So, why are you still doing it a year later, right? There's more than enough time to figure out whether they're always late, whether they're disrespectful, whether they don't care about your time, whether they don't try, whether they never come to your part-town, whether they're always just trying to find the easy date where they come over, they're never actually doing anything, they don't go on real dates with you. That's more than enough time to know that. So, I'm not saying one strike and you're out. I'm not saying that somebody has to do one thing wrong, and all of a sudden you're fire and brimstone with them. What I'm saying is, somebody who shows a pattern of behavior is somebody that, as Dan says, you have to then distance yourself from. And it's not incumbent on you, like I said in one of my recent videos about being kind. What did I say? I said, just because you're ruthless in your actions, it doesn't mean you have to be unkind in your tone. You can still be kind in your tone, but sometimes being ruthless in your actions is not even showing up. It's not responding to that message. It's not bothering. You don't have to message someone back in a kind way, simply because they messaged you. You don't have to answer that phone call. But here's why you probably will pick up the phone. Because even though with your friends in public, you might talk about how you're never gonna call that guy again, or you'll never allow yourself to be treated like that again. In private, when you're on your own, emotionally you don't feel that way. On a deeper level, something inside you feels like you're not enough, and that you need to just take that treatment. You need to just be with that person, because you'll never find somebody else, or you'll never do better, or you don't even deserve better treatment. See, we need to start building our confidence at a core level. It's all very well each week I give you techniques and things to say, and language shifts, and those things are fun, and they're really beneficial, when on a core level you feel confident enough to stand by the things that I say. The game is building our confidence. And though there are many ways to do that, there are very few opportunities in the world to go through an actual formulated process for doing exactly that. But that's what my retreat is. That's what I've spent years building. And if you are someone who watches my videos every week, and you have not yet tried out that program, I want to pull you off the sidelines. I love doing these videos every week, but I also see it as my job every week to get as many people as possible to stop being spectators, and start actually participating in the results they could be getting. Because that's the difference. This is just watching a video. That is actually being part of a process, and being part of a process is what changes the game. So if you want to draw a line in the sand, and say enough is enough. I want to grow. I want to shift my potential. I want to actually achieve what I can achieve. I want to let go of my baggage, or that bad guy, and start moving towards what I really want. Try this with me. I'll leave a link here. And otherwise, as always, I will see you next week.