What To Look For In A Partner: Secure & Healthy Signs

When you're out on a date what do you actually need to be looking for in a partner? What does secure and healthy actually look like? This is the question I'm going to answer today and make sure you stick around to the end of the lesson because I'll go through what red flags should be an absolute no for you right off the bat. If you're new to this channel welcome my name is Amy and I help women quit attracting toxic relationship cycles by helping them to restore self-worth and self-love within so they can attract their ideal partner and have a beautiful healthy relationship. If you want more content on this topic please hit the subscribe button and click the bell so you get notified because I post new lessons like this every week. Now before we get started I want to let you know that a few places have opened up on my calendar for the free one-to-one strategy session for the Love by Design program. If you want to apply for that stick around to the end because I'll tell you how to do that then. Now when we start dating we have this tendency to look for connection and chemistry but as you might be aware you tend to attract emotionally unavailable people then. People that are really good at the dating scene they're really good at hooking you in and making you feel those feelings of connection but they aren't emotionally available full relationship. They're on the dating scene a lot because they don't spend much time in relationship and so statistically there are more emotionally unavailable people out there on the dating scene we understand that but dating is about sorting and it's about practicing so the more you do it the better you get at it and you will eventually meet a healthy secure partner that you really like. So let's look at what a secure partner does not look like on the first couple of dates. They're not going to be too loving, they're not going to be giving you excessive compliments or telling you how amazing or special you are early on. We know that as love bombing right? A healthy secure partner is also not too available to you. You know someone that is too available for you and is too ready to spend all their time with you is a bit of a red flag. It's a sign that they lack healthy boundaries when it comes to creating new relationships and new friendships. A secure partner is also not going to be asking those in-depth questions early on. You know if you're being asked questions that are a little bit too intimate too soon and maybe perhaps a little inappropriate might be a chance that that person is unavailable because they're really trying to get you hooked into them to get you super comfortable like you feel you can tell them anything but it's not an appropriate pace for the beginning of dating where you're just friends and you truly hardly know that person. So be aware of your tendency to overshare as well. Know your own boundaries and know that your personal information is yours to offer up. Just because someone's asking you about it doesn't mean you should share that and it is a sign that you know it's a chance for you to set your own boundary and let them know that it's not okay to go to too intimate a detail early on in the dating stages. Now if you need more help with boundaries particularly when you're dating I want you to watch this video after you've watched this one to let you know what the healthy boundaries are to put in place when you're dating. So just know that if you're looking for real connection and chemistry early on that is actually causing you to miss some significant red flags with the person particularly if they're good at creating that kind of environment and container in the dating scene because they've had a lot of practice at it and we'll go into more depth around red flags at the end of this video but for now let's look at what a secure partner does look like on the first couple of dates. So someone who is secure is just showing up on the first date or first couple of dates just to check out to see what's there check out the connection the vibe they're going to look comfortable in their own skin like they might just be hanging out with their friends it'll be the same kind of vibe you know they might be putting on a little bit of an effort but really when you start dating connection for friendship is the most important thing if you are interested and invested in a long-term healthy relationship so a secure person is just interested in seeing if there's basic friendship there. They also might appear shy and quiet and reserved because they're not actually used to dating because they're more used to being in relationship and because it's a first date or first couple of dates and you've only just met they'll have appropriate boundaries for that stage of meeting they're not going to overshare they're not going to divulge too much information they don't need to they just want to see what the friendship connection is potentially like. So let's dive into more depth here what qualities do we actually want to be looking for in a partner beyond that kind of superficial appearances level and these qualities can take time for you to see in another person it can take time for them to be shown particularly if your person is shy and not used to opening up. So the first quality that you want to be looking out for is emotional awareness or emotional availability and when you're emotionally available or when a person is emotionally available you're aware of yourself and your flaws and your goals and your preferences and desires and also you can communicate those you're able to communicate them to people and you have that internal dialogue as well. If you're looking out for a partner who's emotionally available it means they're able to communicate their inner world to you and that means down the line you'll both be able to do that with each other so that you can grow your intimacy together because you have that sense of knowingness and ability to really connect at a deeper level. Now this kind of sense of self also includes their flaws they're able to acknowledge what their flaws are and communicate them and perhaps even talk about how they've learned you know how to better navigate relationships or life based on what their tendencies are and what their flaws are that is an excellent sign of emotional availability and honestly if they accept themselves warts and all there is a high chance that they're going to accept you in relationship warts and all as well. The second quality you want to look for in a partner so that you know that they're healthy and secure is a commitment to safety. Now this includes all types of safety and it's a bit of an unusual point but this one is one of the most important qualities you want to have in a partner safety of themselves in their own life and safety of people around them so firstly that includes physical safety you know do they know how to meet their own basic needs can they look after themselves or do they have addiction patterns or are they abusing themselves and the same goes for how they treat others do they know how to create a safe space for others or do they have this kind of physical way of forcing other people around them to fit in with them or to an extreme level is there a history of violence with that person towards other people any kind of abusive behavior and that includes abusing you know drugs and alcohol and emotional abuse as well is a sign and then also emotional safety is important and this ties into the emotional availability piece does that person make it okay for others to express their real opinions around them particularly of that person can they take critical feedback about themselves and can they talk about critical feedback they've received from other people and deliver it in a way that they were humbled and or do they come across as being a victim do they paint themselves as a victim or do they put themselves in this kind of passive role where they're blaming everyone else that everyone else is the problem except for them and also emotional safety means that they can feel safe to express negative emotions and talk about them and feel okay and comfortable in having a negative experience as opposed to the opposite which is you know people that don't value emotional safety is where they suppress their own negative emotional experiences and that's when you get that feeling that you don't truly know that person that they're kind of working hard to push something down emotional safety is also about how they handle conflict can they be flexible in conflict can they see other people's point of view have that kind of ability to honor their experience and also honor the other person's experience in a conflict or are they very black and white they very like i'm right and you're wrong again that kind of victim and blaming behavior so when you're trying to assess safety particularly emotional safety you want to look at how this person handles their relationships with their family and with their friends and you obviously at the start are just going to be hearing stories about them but you'll learn a lot about the person just by hearing how they talk about their family and how they talk about their friends and then as you get to know the person down the line you'll be able to see whether their words and actions are in alignment in how they handle emotional and physical safety around the people that are closest to them the third quality that you want to look for in a partner that you can be sure that they're healthy and secure is their level of willingness how willing are they to own their past mistakes to own issues that happen in past relationships that led to their breakdown did they learn from those experiences and can they communicate them or do they seem to be in the dark about why their relationships keep on failing in the same way again and again and are they in that kind of blaming mode and saying that it's all about their partners you know they were the problem and it's not them and this ties into the safety piece are they willing to look at things from a different perspective now women and people in their feminine are very good at looking at things from other perspectives we're kind of actually built to do that that's in our nature but we really want to look for a partner that has that flexibility and that willingness to be open-minded as well and it's important for me to point out that if you ever worry about being told that you're being difficult when you're expressing your point of view that's a cultural thing that we've been trained to feel we have every entitlement to express our opinion clearly and respectfully to other people and it's not being difficult at all it's being truthful and willingness is also how a person will set aside themselves for their family and for their friends so how willing are they to set aside their own needs for someone else it's going to be a great indication of their willingness to really be there for you as a healthy secure partner when perhaps you're having a really difficult time or you're triggered or you're experiencing trauma there's a high chance that they will set aside what's going on for them in order to be there for you and this is honestly as you would do for them right the last quality that you really want to look for in a healthy secure partner is that that they place love at the top of their pile and what i mean by this is that love is one of their most important core values in their life above ego above being right or wrong above any kind of self-interested point that they have in their life do they place love above so do they do that with their family do they do that with their friends you know are they interested in showing love or are they just interested in having love in their life so that they can get something from it or perhaps to have the perfect relationship now when we commit to love it's really important to remember that love love is a verb love is something that you do every day it's not a passive kind of feeling because feelings come and go so when you are looking to see whether someone places love at the top of their pile it's in their actions it's in how they show up in their friendships and in their commitments and in their with their family relationships it's not just something that they say it's in actually what they do and how they spend their time and energy so love as a verb is actioned by showing respect to people particularly during conflict when there are points of difference and showing and feeling admiration for the people that are in your inner circle and for your partner and also love is a verb is actively trusting your partner and having that level of trust there so let me know if these qualities land for you are these things that you are aware of or is this new information for you please let me know in the comments below now there's a really important point to all of this and why i'm telling you we're not just interested in looking to the outside to see whether the person that we're dating has these qualities we actually need to learn to model these qualities ourselves and to hold ourselves to that high standard because that's truly how we call in a partner with qualities like this want you to ask yourself now how emotionally aware and emotionally available are you in your relationships and within yourself are you aware of your own flaws can you kind of acknowledge them and talk about them with friends in a in a way that shows that you learn from your past do you know what your goals are and your preferences in relationship and importantly can you communicate these can you effectively communicate this to a new person in your life or do you tend to shut that down in order to have the connection and that is a tendency that we do if we have insecure attachment we place connection over self so we need to learn that balance of emotional availability which is where we value ourself and our needs and desires and communicating them as much as we value connection with people in our lives and also how are you modeling a commitment to safety in your life physical safety do you know what your physical needs are and are you looking after yourself every day emotional safety is it safe for others to speak their mind around you even if it means that it's a point of difference do you make it safe for other people to express themselves and are you able to also express points of difference with other people too knowing that just because you've got a different opinion doesn't mean that the relationship is going to fall apart or the friendship is going to fall apart and in conflict can you sit in the uncomfortableness of it so that both parties can feel heard and seen or do you tend to push down your needs in conflict just just because it feels so uncomfortable for you that is a point of if you aren't able to handle the discomfort of conflict and willingness are you willing to own your experience and are you willing to own other people's experiences of you as well do you have that flexibility of point of view or are you very black and white you very um i'm right and you're wrong lastly is love truly at the top of your pile and i'm not talking about love as in love addiction and wanting love and love from ego but love that is grounded in the truth love that is mature and love that is something that you do because you're committed to it might be a close friend or a family member you're committed to it and it might be showing up for someone in a tough way telling them something that they really need to hear out of love and look back on your last relationship or your current relationship how are you practicing love as a verb right now how are you showing respect for your partner when they're disagreeing or when they're doing something that you don't like how are you cultivating healthy trust how are you showing admiration daily in your relationships use this rule to identify the misalignment within you in your search for a partner if you've been looking for a partner for a long time and you're feeling frustrated that you haven't found one there's every chance that what you're actually living the values that you're practicing every day and what are the core values you're looking for in a partner and are they matched so identify where the gap is and just simply adjust the core values that you're actually practicing day to day so that they become more closely in alignment with the partner that you want to attract into your life now lastly let's look at a list of red flags that are an absolute no and some of you might think that this is a little extreme that i'm being too harsh on people and you might not agree with me but we have a tendency when we're in scarcity to let certain things slide and think to ourselves that it's okay if someone's like this truth is that when you're in an abundance mindset when you're dating you'll understand that there are so many people that don't do this list of red flags and just because you haven't experienced or met someone like that doesn't mean that they're not out there now if you suffer with scarcity mindset and you know that your dating mindset is out of alignment i want you to watch this video next so that you can learn more about how to shift out of the mindsets that get in the way of you finding the right partner and move into more abundant healthy mindset red flag number one that's an absolute no right off the bat is emotional immaturity this is where someone is quick to blame others paint people as crazy like one of my relationships a while ago all of their exes were crazy and there was nothing wrong with him that was a big red flag no no and also it shows up when they're critical of their family and friends and even in a small way if they show regular criticism trust me one day that's going to be you and are they emotionally impulsive about decisions and interactions the way they talk the way they speak do they seem to like go from one emotion to the other and they don't have that sense of conscious awareness and self-control perhaps they like to love bomb you early on they're all signs of emotional immaturity the second red flag that's an absolute no is that they're out of integrity in their life this might look like that they cheated on another person in order to be with you in relationship now if they cheated on people way back in their past and they can express how they learn from the experience and how their values have shifted and they've grown and matured that's okay we've all been there and done that but if it's something that they're still in and it's a pattern that they're in that is an absolute no another sign they're out of integrity is that they're secretive even about the little things so if you bring something up when you're talking to them and they seem to hide it or make a uncomfortable joke about it or they do the next thing which is deflecting it back onto you that's a sign that they've got some things to hide and if they can't express small things they're not going to be able to express and be available to talk about the bigger things that are happening in their life so they might have a habit of deflecting things onto you and distracting you from and from answering a question that you've now deflecting can also look like them never apologizing so if you bring up something that is troubling you and something that actually hurt you and they don't apologize they can't see your point of view that is a red flag and a no now another sign that they're out of integrity and this might come across as a harsh one but trust me this is really problematic is where they're even in a small innocent way if someone's teasing you that's making them feel better and that's coming from their sense of insecurity this is a serious red flag that we tend to overlook in people and you know if you're amenable and if you don't want to make a deal about it you kind of will laugh along with them but you've got to look at the underlining meaning they're actually laughing at your expense now that is not the foundation of a partner that's going to be lifting you up and creating a beautiful environment for you to flourish if they're getting their kicks out of pushing you down another sign they're out of integrity that's an absolute no is if they have double standards so they hold you to a standard that they don't hold themselves to so they might say to you it's not okay for you to go out with your friends including a male friend but it is okay for him to go out with his friends which includes female friends that's a double standard the third major red flag that is an absolute no is if they're pushing your boundaries again even if it's an in an innocent way if they're not standing back and respecting your boundaries it's an absolute no so this might include physical boundaries where you say please don't touch me like that or um i don't want to be held in that way and they still continue to do that and they might try and make a joke about it and make fun of you which is another red flag that is a sign that they're pushing your boundaries even in an innocent way it could be emotional boundaries where you say to them i'm sorry i can't talk to you about that or i don't want to talk about that with you right now i am available later on if they push the point and keep trying to get you to talk and that puts you outside of your comfort zone that's them pushing your emotional boundaries you're entitled to set your own availability as to what you want to speak and how you want to express yourself because your private information is yours it doesn't make you emotionally unavailable it just means simply you're not ready to talk about it and you will when it is appropriate and you choose when it's appropriate for you so a sign of anyone pushing your emotional boundaries is an absolute no and other boundaries they might push would be time boundaries you know if you're really only able to set aside a certain amount of time a week to spend with that person and they're making you feel bad about that point that is them pushing your time boundaries that is disrespectful and that is a red flag when you set boundaries and you follow through with them you get the sense that they don't respect that perhaps they kind of make you feel like you're overreacting it might look like rolling eyes or talking under their breath they're all signs even as innocent as they might seem that they are not respecting your boundaries when you set a boundary with someone who's healthy secure and available you should be made to feel that that is okay that they respect your need in that moment because your need is yours and they really care about you and they want to look after you so you should never be made to feel bad about setting boundaries in a relationship now this is not an exhaustive list but it's a good start and like i said you might think that some of them are a little bit too much but i want you to really think about that you might have been made to feel that that's too much in your past relationships and know that these red flags are really examples of you being pushed outside of your comfort zone being made to feel bad about who you are and you need to get back into that feeling that who you are is really worth being respected and acknowledged and made to feel worthy so in this video i've shown you a list of what to look for specifically in a partner to know that they're healthy and secure and if you want to know my complete three-step process in going from insecure and anxious to finding a secure healthy relationship i want you to join me in this free training the link to join is in the comments below i also have a free facebook group and i'd love to see you in there and if you'd like to have that one-to-one strategy session with me which there's no charge you can sign up for that in the link below as well please comment below if you have any questions from the video today i'd love to hear from you what points were you surprised about what you didn't think about and perhaps what red flags have you let fly by in your past and now you know that they should be an absolute no right off the bat and if you found this video helpful please click the like button you'll really help me in this channel out so that more people can see the content and here are some next step videos for you to watch so that you can move one step closer to an incredible relationship with yourself and your partner and for now i'll see you in the next video