How To Be Yourself on a Date (Authenticity Dating Tips)

Do you feel like you lose your identity in relationships or you've never truly been yourself around another person? This pattern gets established when you first meet them, when you're dating them, because authenticity can feel counterintuitive when you really like someone and you're putting your best foot forward. You know, you're being your very best version of yourself, but this can actually pull you away from being who you really are and from being known for who you really are. So I'm going to show you in this lesson today where this comes from from an attachment perspective and I'll teach you the mindset that you need to unblock it so that you can put not your best foot forward, but your most authentic foot forward in dating. And stick around to the end of the lesson because I'll show you a mistake that a lot of people make when they use this mindset incorrectly and it can actually turn people off you. If you're new to this channel, welcome. My name is Amy Kerr and I help women who struggle with insecurity and anxiety in relationships to heal the wounds that really underlie their patterns so that they can create an incredible relationship with themselves and with the partner that they really deserve. And subscribe to this channel for more content like this and hit the bell button so you get that notification because I'm posting new lessons like this every week. Now before we start today's lesson, I want to announce that a few places have opened up on my calendar for a free one-to-one with me for the Love by Design program. So make sure you stick around to the end of the lesson for the announcement on how to sign up for that. So dating can be really weird, it can be really scary and there's this kind of vulnerable part within us that wonders, do they like me and how do I get more connection with them if we do really like that person. Even if we're not that interested in them and it's just the first date, this insecure part of us can still be running the show. Now when we go into our insecurity, it's a really vulnerable place to be so we put up walls and sabotages and what I call masks to protect ourselves. And when we're putting our best foot forward, we have a couple of masks that are our go-to way to get connection with someone and still feel distance from them so we feel safe. Now that mask is a kind of a go-to mechanism for us to know that we can get connection and get acceptance even on a first date when we've only just met them and they are kind of an authentic version of us but they actually have an underlying way that they create separation and distance with people. Mine, for instance, is my ability to listen. I tend to ask lots of questions and make that person feel really comfortable and they'll feel an instant connection with me because they felt like they could really open up and tell me anything. Now obviously that works against me because what ends up happening is they don't actually get to know who I really am because I don't get a chance to open up and I don't get to establish if they really like me for me or they really like my company because I'm a good listener. And to be honest, that mask really attracted people that really were into themselves and people that generally share too much. And it turns out that people who are really available at the start tend to be not available for a relationship down the line in a few months. Why do we do this? Why do we put up these masks to get connection? It really makes sense from an attachment perspective. If you have any level of insecurity or anxiousness when dating, you've been hurt in relationship before and that original hurt generally comes from our relationship with our caregivers. We've learned that love is painful from early on in our childhood. So from an early age, we subconsciously learn how to control a connection so that we do feel love and belonging with someone. We actually learn to overperform as children or we act in a certain way that's going to guarantee us connection with our mother or father. Now a mask is exactly the same thing. It's a method that will guarantee connection on a date. And it's also a way to avoid rejection and avoid being hurt. The counterintuitiveness to this is that putting on a mask actually blocks authentic connection, which is what we truly want to see if we have on a date. It's the thing that we're ultimately seeking. So we end up dating with these masks on and never feeling truly connected to another person because we're actually getting in our own way. So no wonder so many of us feel completely burnt out and really frustrated by dating because it really eats away at our sense of self-worth and confidence. Let me know if this concept of putting on a mask hits something that you're aware of when you're dating. What mask is your go-to to feel safe on a date and to know you get connection but kind of gets in your way as well? Now the solution for this is not as easy as simply taking our mask off because that's probably the scariest thing we can do, right? Because we have a real fear that we're actually not worthy of love and that person won't really like what's underneath. You know, this core belief from childhood that love is painful comes with this personalization piece because we feel that because we never got that love, it means that there's something inherently broken about us. So shame is what really is the glue that's keeping these masks on for us in our adult relationships. Now, firstly, when you're dating, it's important to have really healthy boundaries in place so that you date in a self-paced way that doesn't activate your insecure attachment. And I have an entire video on how to do that here. So the mindset shift is to not take the mask off straight away, but to really strengthen what's underneath it, which is your sense of self, your identity, what you know and love about yourself and what you know to be absolutely true and valuable about who you are. The more secure we can feel in who we are, the less we need to keep that mask on when we're connecting with people. And honestly, vulnerability about yourself and your flaws and the way you embrace that can be truly endearing and really sexy. So knowing yourself and being able to articulate that and embrace it with confidence and detachment from needing their validation or their approval is a really magnetic quality to have. So we need to start learning to ease into vulnerability even when our body is telling us it isn't safe to do so, which is the predominant feeling when you're dating because it's a really scary situation and all of your senses are telling you to mask up. Now, in order to step into vulnerability, we need to have strong internal boundaries around what we choose to share. And it helps to know your insecure energy well here so that you can identify it when it's coming up, when you're engaging from your insecure place as opposed to your authentic place. And I have an entire video on how to learn how to do that here. So when you start to offer a piece of vulnerable information about yourself to someone on a date, I want you to have what I call the golden nugget mindset. You are offering a golden nugget about yourself to them. And before you even offer it, you need to wrap that piece of information in gold, which is to protect it with your knowingness that it is absolutely your truth and no one can change it otherwise. Even in a marriage of 20 years and you offer up a golden nugget, your partner can't unwrap or change that piece of information because it's sacred to who you are. They can offer context or support around it, but that's it. If you put a piece of information out there, unwrap, you're needing their validation or for them to help you in some way. And that's offering vulnerability from an insecure place. We're not trying to offer vulnerability to get someone on our side or to manipulate or somehow control how they feel about us because again, that's simply another mask. You're trying to keep yourself safe by getting them to like you. So we're offering a vulnerability wrapped in the gold of our truth, just like you open up a window for them to see more deeply into who you really are. They can see us more deeply so that we can feel seen more deeply and we can feel more connected to them. Now this is going to feel really scary and counterintuitive because in that moment your mask will come off and a little bit of your truth will shine through. So that's why you need to have that gold wrapping of certainty that this is your absolute truth and you aren't needing any kind of validation around it as you offer it. Now once you offer a little bit of vulnerability, that's actually an act of emotional availability to them and it provides an opportunity for them to either do the same or not. Now we're not creating expectations that every time you should offer vulnerability they need to return it, but we're starting to learn how to lead with a bit of emotional availability and vulnerability when it's appropriate, when we like this person and we want to open up a little bit more in a conscious way. And this is allowing us to then really see what's going on for them, how they choose to respond because exchanges have a mirror effect. If you're secure and empowered in yourself and they back away or create space or go kind of weird, there's a chance your security and vulnerability has touched a nerve in them and they're not able to return it with the same availability, which means that they're possibly not as emotionally available as you are. That is really great data to be collecting early on with someone and this is a part of the dating scientist mindset that I teach inside my program Love by Design. You can also see in this way if someone becomes too available to you, which I've mentioned earlier on was a pattern of mine, attracting people that overshare too much too soon. And it's a great indication that their oversharing is actually their mask. They're trying to force connection too soon, which is again a weapon or a mask in a way that they're trying to control the outcome and it may mean that they're less emotionally available. There's this real balancing act here, knowing when it's right to open up a little bit and when it's right to pull back and have space for them to either choose to step in with availability or not. And you'll get better at practice and it really will depend on when you choose to open up and who you're choosing to open up with as well. You'll get better at practice, but the very first step is to become aware of what masks you use when you're dating so that you can control the outcome and feel safe, but they're actually getting in the way of authentic connection with new people. So start building your secure sense of self in the steps that I've outlined for you today and then start noticing what you tend to do to force a connection or to make yourself feel accepted or interesting on dates. And if you're interested in learning more about this dating scientist mindset, I want you to join me in my free training that outlines the entire structure around the three steps to creating a secure relationship within yourself and with the person that you really want. You can join me in that free training in the link below. I also have a free Facebook group and I'd love to meet you personally in there and the application for the free one-to-one for the Love by Design program is also in the description below. Now, if you found this video helpful today, I'd love to hear from you. What landed for you? What questions do you have? Please leave a comment below and click the like button on this video because it will really help this channel out to get more people to see this valuable information. And here are a few next step lessons for you to go forward and learn from so that you can start creating a more authentic and secure relationship with yourself and creating an incredible relationship, of course, with the partner that you really desire. And for now, I'll see you in the next video.