The spark dating for feels

I'm Dr. Orion Terriban, and this is Psych-Hacks, Better Living Through Psychology, and the topic of today's short talk is the spark. In the context of dating, many people, especially many young people, are chasing the spark, which is essentially another way of talking about the desire to experience limerence, butterflies, chemistry, vibing. By any other name, the spark is a certain quickening in the blood in the presence of a certain someone. And since most people go to relationships in order to feel, when folks don't feel a spark by a certain point in the courtship process, they're often liable to move on to other options, even in the absence of any other liabilities. And I'm of a mixed mind with respect to this. On the one hand, I generally don't think it's worth being in a sexual relationship with someone you feel nothing for, especially at the beginning of a courtship. On the other hand, however, true affection is only cultivated over time, and that is way more important to the success of a long-term relationship than the fleeting feeling of limerence. But let's talk about the spark anyway, because telling people that it shouldn't matter probably isn't going to change anything. One way to think about the spark is in conjunction with attachment styles. Whether we like it or not, we all carry a certain template inside of us with respect to how sexual relationships are supposed to look and how they're supposed to feel. And this template is largely based on observing the relationship or relationships of your primary caregivers during your childhood. This observation seems to be a kind of instinct, in that the creation of such a template is both unconscious and inevitable. And this kind of sucks, because it takes at least another two decades for people to begin to become aware of their templates and to respond to them as necessary. In any case, if the template is unconscious for most people, how are they to make use of this information in order to navigate through life? Enter the spark. The spark is a kind of signal that the unconscious mind has observed a match between a given stimulus and its relevant template. Think of it as a way to notify you that a pattern of which you may not even be conscious has been recognized. And this is why the spark can feel so intense. The spark contains a strong impulse to approach, because the unconscious mind perceives an opportunity to recreate the templated dynamic that was impressed upon you in childhood, which, for better or worse, your mind believes constitutes your best chance of reproducing. After all, you were the successful outcome of that dynamic. So, from the perspective of evolution, it couldn't have been that broken, could it? Though the number seems to be dropping, according to recent estimates, the good news is that around half the people in the world are securely attached. And this means that they generally grew up within stable, loving, and intact households. And since that is what they observed as children, that is typically their template for romantic relationships. Like, on some level, they can't even conceive of a relationship not looking like that, which is why securely attached folks can be so charming in their naivete. In any case, when these folks are out and about, and they encounter someone who seems to fit the pattern encoded in their unconscious relationship template, then they are liable to feel some kind of spark. Hooray! If they are looking for a long-term relationship, this feeling might be fairly reliable. Their template is like a compass that points true north. So, it might be worth If you appreciate the insights on this channel, I would highly encourage you to get your hands on a copy of my book, The Value of Others. Over the course of 432 pages, I delve deep into my economic model of relationships and explain the behavior of both men and women in the game of mating and dating. I also provide a lot of actionable advice on how to get and keep more of what you want in sexual marketplace. Once you read The Value of Others, you'll never look at relationships the same way again. Now available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description. The issue, of course, is that not everybody was raised in stable, loving, and intact households. But these people, like the securely attached folks, also have relationship templates and attendant signal detection software. This means that they're liable to experience intense attraction not to people with whom they can have stable, loving, long-term relationships, but to people who unconsciously remind them of whatever form of chaos or dysfunction they observed as children. Pursuing relationships with these people typically leads to painful and ill-fated reenactments of the original dysfunction. These relationships don't work, though they are all functioning precisely as they were designed to do. In any case, blindly following one's emotional reactions is a surefire way to end up broken-hearted or burnt out in the dating market. But that's only because these folks weren't able to resist the impulse to approach embedded in their feelings, which, granted, is a very hard thing to do. Think about it. These people's templates are actually just as reliable as the securely attached folks. Why? Because they're consistently wrong. Any compass that is consistent, no matter where it believes north to be, is a functional compass. Like a compass that points exactly south when it should be pointing north is just as useful as a compass that accurately points north. You just have to move in the opposite direction of where it tells you you should go. A compass that is consistently incorrect is a reliable tool, as long as you can remember to consistently correct for its inaccuracy. This means that the decision to follow the spark must be approached on a case-by-case basis. Every person should critically examine his or her parent's relationship and ask themselves, do I want the same thing? If so, you're probably securely attached, and you might be able to put more faith in your feelings, though, as I discuss in my book, this should only be one of many data points when selecting for a long-term relationship. And if you don't want what your parents have, you might need to use your feelings to guide you, at least for a time, where you shouldn't go. Correct for its inaccuracy and seek to heal the underlying attachment wound. Attachment can change. Do this, and you can increasingly follow the behavioral impulses embedded in your emotions, which makes everything, everything a whole lot easier and a lot more enjoyable, trust me. In the context of this metaphor, it's the folks with a disorganized attachment style who really suffer. Why? Because not only is their compass wrong, it's inconsistently wrong. And a compass that is inconsistently wrong is useless at best and a terrible, terrible liability at worst. These folks might have to completely disregard their emotional responses, which is a really tough row to hoe. In any case, this is one way to think about the spark. Whether or not you should include it among your criteria for a potential partner really depends on your particular relationship template, which you can approach by critically examining your parents' relationship. And remember, the season you plant is never the season you harvest. Real affection takes time. So unless you're just looking for an exciting fling, no judgment, I wouldn't recommend prioritizing this experience, even in the best case scenario. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please, send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know someone who needs to hear this because it's word of mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. Other value props, anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter for which I write original content or book a private, paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly can learn more about both of those on my website. There's also my book, The Value of Others, in which I explore my economic model of relationships. And my private member community, The Captain's Quarters, where, among other things, I host bi-monthly group consultation calls and Q&As with invited guests from all over the internet. It's a great group. We have a great time. Check it out if you're so inclined. The links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support, and I thank you for listening.