The real reason you're so hard on yourself (and how to stop)

You may believe that for good reason, man, that if you stop being hard on yourself, you're going to lose your edge, you're going to lose your drive, you're going to lose your motivation. This judgmental, rigid voice that you've become so accustomed to and so familiar with is the reason that you've gotten so far. Who would you be and how would you get anything done if it wasn't for this voice, right? So we're going to talk about what this inner critic is, where it came from, what you can do about it, and why this is really the answer to why you're so hard on yourself. So let's go through a few things most likely about you, pretty easy stuff, that you most likely have pretty high standards in business, in your life, you want to live a fulfilling life and whatever that means for you, right? You want to get things done, you have fun and literally enjoy being productive. Being productive is fun for you, same for me. I don't want to sit around and just do nothing all day, that's not relaxing to me. Relaxing to me is actually doing things, it's building, it's creating, it's expressing, it's putting an imprint on the earth that's like, man, I was here, I did my thing and I live life to the fullest, that's really awesome. Now the trouble here is when your on switch is on all the time, that there is no off. So all of these good things about achievement and productivity and growing your business and growing your life and learning more things, this becomes a burden rather than a blessing. These things become a burden rather than a blessing. And that's the hard part, we're so hard on ourselves because it's gotten us so far. And without it, who am I? Who am I if I'm not motivated, if I'm not productive, if I don't have this harsh voice then how the heck can I get anything done? And what you soon realize is that there is another voice that is more powerful than the harshness, that is more powerful than the pointing finger. And I know it's going to sound cheesy for you, are you ready for it? It's in every movie, it's in every book, it's in every hero's journey story, it's in scripture, and that's love. I know, it's hard to hear, it's hard to hear, but you will get way more done if you love yourself and love the world rather than if you hate yourself and hate the world. Hard on yourself and critical, yes. Love yourself as well, yes. I want to strengthen this one, I want to strengthen this one. And in order to strengthen this one, we have to see where this critic came from. And a lot of the time we have to travel back. And I want you to think about the first role model you had, male role model. The first male role model you had, was it your dad? Was it your uncle? Was it a coach? Was it a family member, a friend, a brother, an older brother? Chances are, if you have a high degree of inner criticism, chances are, and if this doesn't fit you, you can shut this off, or if this is honestly difficult to hear, take some space for yourself. A lot of the time, our first role models, our first male role models, were the ones that maybe we felt judged by. Maybe we felt like we had to prove ourselves to that man. Maybe we felt like no matter what we did, we didn't get enough attention from this man. And that in order to be praised, we had to be perfect. In order to get attention, we had to do the right thing. If we didn't do the right thing, and if we didn't do it well, we would be punished, and we would be ignored. So I'm going to just say that one more time. If you think about the first male role model he had, do you check any of those boxes there? This isn't a diagnosis. I'm not labeling you with anything. We're talking about what it's like to be a person in the world and grow up with a family. That's it. One of the reasons I hate clinical psychology in a way, and therapy for men too, is we could spend years digging through this one. For the sake of this video, just become aware. Don't hate yourself for this awareness. Be happy about it. Be happy that, okay, Scott said something here in this video, and I think that rang true for me. Cool. So we get almost like a carbon copy, like a real footprint, a mental image that kind of sets itself in there a little bit. Although the brain is very plastic, it can shift, and move, and grow, and turn on and turn off, and we can create new neural pathways and everything. But for our first few years of life, my gosh, the impact our caregivers have on us is huge. And it has to. Because in order to survive, we need to depend on these people with our whole lives. And even if we have needs of our own, we need to betray ourselves just a little bit. Because, okay, well, it doesn't matter what I want, or how I feel, they're the ones who are taking care of me, so I'm going to give them what they want in order to be loved, accepted. No matter how you felt, it didn't really matter. So I want you to think about how you were treated as a child. How you were maybe perceived in the family. Were you noticed, even if you weren't perfect? Was making a mistake okay? Or were you punished? Did you feel like you were being judged, and if you didn't do the right thing, or the thing that you were expected to do, maybe you didn't feel respected or seen, okay? Now you take this carbon copy and everything you learned from childhood up in the brain here, and you take it to adulthood. You take it from then, all the way until you were 10, and 15, and 20, and 25, and maybe you're 30 now, 35, 40, 45, 50, and that perfectionism, that drive to prove something, that drive to always do the right thing, that drive to always accomplish, that drive and motivation to always stay on course. And if you veer off a little, well maybe it's not your uncle or your dad's voice only in your head now. The tone is maybe different, the voice is yours, but the pattern's the same. That there's that blueprint that was there from them, but now you've kind of taken over a little bit. And it's funny, when you get older, everybody tries not to be like some person that they know, because they set a terrible example. And sometimes we're hardwired to go the wrong way, so we have to fight kind of this attraction to call it sin, call it just going the wrong way. We're all attracted to that. And it seems pretty inviting too, the devil's like, come on, it's cold outside, come on, it's warm. And being hard on yourself worked for so long. And it kept you alive and helped you survive. And now, what's it really doing? That pattern and that voice that's been there since the beginning was a survival mechanism. It was your dad, your uncle, some male role model, who is pushing you to do the right thing, pushing you to stay on course, pushing you, and only when you succeeded, only when you were the best, then you got attention. Do you need that now? Think about it. Do you need that voice now that doesn't let you make mistakes? Because that's you now. You've taken over, you've created the override for that voice that your dad's not in your ear all the time now, or your uncle, or your coach, now you're there. The signals kind of got crossed, it's a bit of you, it's a bit of them, it's a bit of learned behavior, right? And now we can ask ourselves and open up the window a little bit, let some fresh air in, and you can say, okay, do I need that? I'm an adult, can't I make mistakes now? I can learn from them on my own. I'm allowed to accept myself as I am now. I'm not just that kid. And that inner critic is the survived childhood survival mechanism. It's survived for survival. It's lasted this long because it helped us survive, and you don't need it anymore. Now, easier said than done. If we didn't need it anymore, we could just say, okay, I'm done, great, I'm going to think happy thoughts. It's like we're out of shape here, the critic is much stronger than this, the hate is much stronger than the love, the critic is much stronger than compassion, and just like if we had weak muscles and we want to get them stronger, you don't go to the gym, you don't set that New Year's resolution, and like everybody, you're in there for a week, and you're like, I don't see results, and then you quit. No. Same as building this mental muscle of resilience, of compassion, of understanding for yourself to see what you are like without the criticism. And this is scary for a lot of men, which is why 99% of them don't go through with it. Because it's scary to see who you would be if you weren't so hard on yourself. What would happen? What would really happen? And I promise you, only good things. But good things that aren't familiar to you are pretty scary. Like the world opens up, people see you as this compassionate person, relationships and opportunities just wide open, people can sense your kindness. And it's not just kindness in a soft sense, no, it's responsibility. It's the ability to be rigid and to have structure and to do all of these things that you used to do, but when you're ready for a rest, you can give yourself that. When you don't know what you need, you can give yourself the time to really think about it. When you're completely exhausted, you don't feel guilty to carve out some time just for you. That's the difference. Beating yourself up, my gosh, guys, doing physical stuff is easy in life, I'm sorry. If you're able-bodied, you can train for a marathon, you can bench press 250, just go to the gym and blah blah blah. The hardest thing for me wasn't all of that, it was the mental gymnastics. As someone who's dealt with depression and anxiety, I can assure you, depression is the hardest thing that I've ever gone through in my entire life that's regardless of all the physical injuries I've had. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. So to think that this is just some easy thing that you can watch a few YouTube videos and be cured, I want you to ask yourself how many videos you've watched on this thing and how has it gotten better? Have you really given it a good shot? Have you really given it your all? Because someone who is so focused and has high standards and goals and likes to be productive, I thought you could give this a really good shot. You're the perfect candidate to be able to calm and quiet this critic down and strengthen this loving, compassionate voice. Because you know who doesn't like someone who's very critical of the world and themselves? Women. They hate that. People like to see people who like themselves. That's very attractive. That's what confidence is. It's the ability to be with all that you are. All that you've been through. To not hate yourself for these things. Think about any of your role models. Any of your role models. Do they hate themselves? No. Not the good ones. The people that you admire most likely hold themselves with a sense of confidence and high self-worth. They get a lot done. They are productive. But they genuinely would buy themselves a beer at the bar. They like themselves. And they can hold and have the capacity to reconcile and even to the highest point, forgive the mistakes that they've made, every time they messed up, when they've fallen short, the people that they've hurt, they recognize their humanity throughout their lifetime. And I wonder if you have the ability to do that. I don't wonder. I know you can't. But it takes time for you to carve out space and recognize what this critic is doing in your life and where it came from. We touched on a few things there. And how we can strengthen this compassionate, guided, inner guidance system that we have inside of us. This is wisdom. The critic is not wise. The critic can just see 20 minutes ahead, one day ahead. Wisdom shows us the long term and what our strengths are. So the exercise for today and what you did was get a piece of paper and think about who your role models were, your first male role models. And just ponder. Go for a walk and just ponder. And don't judge and don't get tripped up about it. This isn't diagnosing you, we're not going that deep here. But just as a scientist, you're looking at the petri dish of your past. And you're like, oh yeah, that was a judgmental time there and oh man, that person really made me feel shame. Yes. And I really wanted to impress that person in my past there too. Oh, I can see how maybe that can linger and stay around a little while. Simple. Look at that. Do that exercise. Okay? And then what you want to do is you want to go into the description here, the description of this video, and download the Inner Critic Guide that I have. Alright? It's only a few pages long and it has the difference between the inner critic and self-compassion. The self-criticism and inner guidance. Alright? So you want to see the difference of these things and then you want to create space. So once this gets quiet, the inner critic, you want to create space for what? For the compassion, for your strengths, for things that are good for you. So this is the one side that quiets, but you know, right when you lose something like this, well there's a hole. You've got to fill it with something. Let's fill it with something good. Alright? So the audio exercise is in the description, as well as the PDF. To read through, read through this, this PDF that reminds you that you're not alone in this stuff, man. You're not alone in this stuff. If you're a scientific dude, this has been studied for years and years and years, decades and decades. And if you ask me and you ask anybody on the street who your worst enemy is, everybody will say themselves, yeah it's me. Man, I look in front of the mirror and I, oh my gosh, I can, I can talk ---- to this guy all day. So learn about this stuff, create space for this, and I'll send you a few follow-up emails to see how you're doing with the guide, and I'll see you again on YouTube very soon. Great meeting you. Hope to meet you soon. Bye bye.