The Late Bernie Mac - Live in Vegas - Kings of Comedy.

What type of ---- is in here? Keep ******* with me. You think I'm playing? Son of a bitch, keep ******* with me. I done told the son of a bitch how to play this ----. I'm gonna say Chuck one goddamn time. Cut the bitch off. Retarded motherfuckers can't do that. See that's why you can't hire your relatives, man. Don't **** with your family. That's my wife's cause. I can't get rid of that ************. You know if I get rid of him, there's gonna be some ---- when I get to the house. We family, **** family. Black folks are motherfucking white folks. Let me tell you something. I've been black a long time. I'm changed like it is. So you can't say it. Then you scared. You can't say it. Chinese people tell black folks, you keep up ----, keep up ----. I like me some Chinese. Don't come up here for ----. Don't come up. **** you, **** you, **** you. Black folks know we keep up ----. White folks, y'all something. I'm glad to see a lot of white folks in the house. That's the way it's supposed to be. No, that's the way it is. Kings of Comedy start happening. Y'all getting hip to us. That's a beautiful thing. So you smile. I ain't told no goddamn joke. You ain't said ----. What did he say? **** you, don't say ----. Say it like it is, man. Long ass ride here, man. I found out my friend died. When your friend dies, don't you get nervous. I'm 43. When a ************ be dying, you got to find out what age he is. You know what I mean? Man, 43, how old was he? 45. Car just stopped on him? Was he sick? No, just dropped dead. That's fucked up. You sure be thinking about your ************ self. I been having this pain in my goddamn back for a while. See, now I go to the hospital. **** that. I lost two cats. Close to me, 47, 44. See, black folks don't go to the hospital. Somebody bust them in the head with a bat. Or they have a car accident. No, every motherfucking pain come on me, I'm going to the goddamn hospital. I had a pain in my goddamn chest all day. Gas is a ************, let me tell you. Gas is a bitch. Man, that ************ tighten up around that ************. My wife said, what's wrong? I said, come on, put your clothes on, take me to the hospital. Motherfucker, if I get a nosebleed, what's wrong with you? Put your clothes on, take me to the goddamn hospital. I was ******* last week. I got a sharp pain in my goddamn left nut. She said, what's wrong? I said, wipe your ass and come on, take me to the hospital. Take me to the motherfucking hospital. I'll tell you like it is. Oh, man. This ----, I was in Vegas. I got here this morning, and I saw this white lady with a leash. White folks, y'all something else. No, no, y'all something ******* else, man. Y'all had a leash on a little kid. Kid just running like a ************. Come here, Johnny. Come here. Pulling him. Come here. I'm not pulling ---- for no two or three year old. I don't negotiate with terrorists. I give that ************ a look, and you better freeze like a ************. I'll break your little motherfucking jaw. These little son of bitches something else, man. These little kids tell you what to do. See, now, we the punk-ass parents. Parents today, we bustards. Because we weak. We want to be friends. Motherfucking kids say, I ain't going to eat that. What type of ---- is that? Motherfucker don't eat. I hope you get dizzy like a ************. My little niece is going to tell me I'm going on a hunger strike. Bitch, go ahead on. Don't eat ----. I hope when you walk, you just fall the **** out. Just fall. **** you. You're going to hurt me because you ain't eating. Ain't that a bitch? Kid's a ************, man. Kid's a bitch, man. See, when I was a kid, see, we had that mother mage that hit you in the motherfucking throat. Make you bite the back of your tongue and ----. You know when you ever cry when you're a little kid? When you cry, you holler. Then it's like a seven-second pause. Then after that pause, it's a scream. You fucked up. When they hit your ass, you hurt like a ************. That's how parents used to **** you up. My mother, man, my mother, see, parents back then too, they was fucked up too. They had some fucked up old psychological-ass ways. The old-fashioned southern-ass ---- they used to say to you. My mother and them used to **** over us because they'd tell my brother and them stupid ----, go outside and find me something to whoop your ass with. No stupid son of a bitch be all outside looking. I was little. I said, look at this dumb ************. I was about three, four years old. I said to myself, I wish my mom would tell me some stupid ---- like that. That's when I started cussing. Four years old. I was about this goddamn tall. My mom said, go outside and find me a switch to whoop your ass. You hear what I said? I said, I heard what the **** you said. My brother said, don't say that. **** what she's talking about. I'm not going out to find a motherfucking thing. She's going to whoop me, want me to do. You do your own goddamn labor. My brother said, don't say that. I said, **** that. I'm going to get a whooping anyway. It don't make no goddamn difference. **** that. I'm not going to find ----. Oh, man, we all cussed our family out. But we cussed our ---- out. We had class about it. Your mother said, take the garbage out. Man, ****. ****. Then she look at you. ****, ************. ****. Yeah, don't lose the beat, ************. Take that garbage out. Oh, they was a bitch. Parents was a bitch back then. Because they told you stupid ----. They scared the **** out of you. See, now today, everybody's politically correct. Can't touch a kid, talk to the kid, negotiate. **** that. Man, mom and dad used to tell you ---- 9 o'clock. My mother used to scare the **** out of you with ---- like, when your daddy come home, I'm going to have him beat your ass. Now, go on outside and play. How the **** you going to play it in the goddamn tradition? I be in center field. The ball go past. Catch the ball, Matt. Man, **** that goddamn ball. I'm going to get a whooping at 5 o'clock. I can't concentrate, man. Damn that goddamn ball. This some serious ---- here. Man, my mama told me that ---- at 8 o'clock in the morning. Man, my whole day was discombobulated. I was so disgusted, I didn't know what the **** to do. Man, 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock. I started crying at 1 o'clock. I said, man, somebody call this ************. I called my father at the job. He said, hello. I said, man, when you coming home, man? Come get this ---- over with. This ain't nothing but some stress. And when you nervous, see, kids don't cry no more. You try to be strong. You know you're going to get a whooping. You try to be strong. You strong until somebody mention that ----. Then tears just come out by that ************'s self. You be standing there cool, strong. What time your daddy coming in? I don't know what time that ************ coming in. Goddamn it. That's what my mama used to do. Come to school. When they come to school on you and walk in the door, you be clowning, acting like a motherfucking fool. Somebody's mama walking in the door. You look. You sit down quick as a son of a bitch. And everybody in the class be whispering, who mama that? Who mama that? You can always tell who ************ mama was. They be playing like they busy. Oh, that's your ************ mama. That's your ************ mama. But see, we grew up under whoopings, but we all grew up and became good people. See, now, I don't know what the **** going on now. Sex, too much sex. Every time they tell me, I'm so sick of pussy, I don't know what to ******* do. No, man, pussy make me sick. That pink ************'s something else. That pink bastard, man, is a drug. Don't tell me I'm wearing the patch right now. Don't tell me. I'm telling you like it is. Man, pussy, no, no, no, no. See, grown man, grown woman, get together. Say you want something. I say I'll give you something. You bust a nut. I bust a nut. How the **** I got to pay your rent after that goddamn ----? I ain't never seen a pussy with a meat on it. That ---- fucks me up there, man. This ---- is unfucking believable, man. Pay my bill, telephone bill, light bill. I'm not paying a motherfucking thing. Now, I wish I would get blackmailed. Can't nobody blackmail me. See, that's why I don't **** around. I don't want no pussy. Can't blackmail me. I'm going to tell your wife. I'll tell my motherfucking wife. Before I let another ************ tell my goddamn wife. Burn, I'll tell your wife. Motherfucker, I'll tell her myself. I'll go home. Wake up. What's wrong? Wake up. Just listen. Keep your hands so I can see them. Oh, man, sex is a bitch, man. Sex is so goddamn funny, man. We all trip out on it. But the funny thing about sex, man, see, I'm a comedian. You know, I be laughing. I ain't laughing at you. I'm laughing at ---- you be saying. You know, ooh, ooh. Goddamn it. I said, I ain't never heard this ************ talk like this. This ************ Christian. Give me that dick in the name of the Lord. Give me that dick. I said, her daddy can't hear her now. I went with a woman, man, a long time ago. See, when you do ---- fucked up, man, you don't care. Back in the day. Now, you mature now. But I had this woman, man, she wasn't that attractive. But she was good people. She was good people. She had a cracked tooth. No, she was good people, though. She was good people. Her tooth was a crack at a 45-degree angle, you know. She was good people, though. She was good people. She was giving me mouth-to-mouth, you know what I mean? And see, back then, you don't give a **** where you get it for as long as you get it. Men, we so goddamn stupid, ---- be hurting. But we still won't say ----. Still try to take it like we strong. She was cutting me. She was tearing it up. She was snoring it, you know. And I'm sitting there, I'm trying to take it, you know. I couldn't handle it. I said, you're cutting it. You're cutting it. She was good people. We all do some crazy ---- now. You ever pass gas while you make love? You're a goddamn liar. You're a lying son of a bitch. We all hit them past gas making love, especially men. You ain't said ----. You ever had a woman just break wind when you're getting in front of her back, she just fall, just... You don't say nothing. You just keep on pumping. Just keep on... You don't say nothing. When you get in your car, you talk about her ass like a dog. See you later, Bernie. All right, you stinking ass bitch. Farted all on my dick and ----. Women are tripping, man. Men, we've been doing things. Sex is so ******* funny. Communicating sex. I want you to do this. I want you to do that. You don't do this anymore. But all sex, they never mention. Women don't like to suck no dick. They don't like to suck no dick. I got a problem with that. There's 2,000. Y'all got to come on with the program. You got to come on. Men been eating pussy for years, for years. No problem. Every time we ass off her head, y'all get attitude. Why don't you come over here and do a little bit? What you want me to do? **** it. Don't worry about it. I'll do it myself. That's what you're going to have to do or let your mama do it because I ain't doing a motherfucking thing. What my mama got to do with it? My mama head all day. She ain't got nothing to do with this ----. Women is funny, man. But all of us in here are scared of women. I've been married 25 years. My wife, man, is about 5. She's about right here. You thought about it too, ************. You thought about it. I ain't never hit my wife. I swear to God, I ain't never hit her, but I thought about it. If I did drugs or something, this one time I have an excuse. I'll **** my wife up, man. I'm telling you. That son of a bitch, man, she know I ain't going nowhere, man. Women know they got you. 25 years. She was 15. I was 16. She know I ain't going nowhere. Now she be talking all smart. See, y'all clapping. See, that's beautiful, ain't it? Yeah, I know. I know it's beautiful. Yeah, ************. That little son of a bitch thinks she on me, man. Be talking all smart, you know, telling me what to do, you know. Yeah, I know. I know she is. See, black women want to be your mama, your daddy, your pastor, your counselor, policeman, you know. They want to be the dickhead. We are. Y'all ain't write ----. I know they want to be your wife. They want to tell you what to do. My wife going to tell my dad. I said, baby, I'll be right back. She said, you ain't going nowhere tonight. I said, you want to see my motherfucking birth certificate? I'm growing like a son of a bitch. She said, take your punk ass out and see what the **** going to happen to you. Now, for some reason, when she said that, I knew she wasn't playing. I got nervous like a ************, you know. But I couldn't let her get the last word out there. I said, look out, I'll be right back. She said, Mac, I done told you. You went out Monday. You played pool Tuesday. You went hunting Wednesday and Thursday. You ain't going no motherfucking way tonight. I said, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. I said, watch, see if I go. Yeah, I went. Shit. You don't tell me where the **** I went. I'll bust your head to the white meat. You don't tell me where the **** I went. Matter of fact, you look just like her motherfucking ass. Come close and see once you leave. Make this ************ bleed. I'm sick of your ass, too. You look just goddamn like her. Yeah, I went. I came back early. I went, though. I came back early. Stop my goddamn business. What you look at your tongue at me for like that? What you look at your tongue at me like that? You know you ain't going to suck no dick. You ain't going to suck. Don't **** with me. What you doing over there for? Huh? It's $2,000. You suck dicks? You do. I'm going to check your ass out. I'm going to check you out. Remember when I get through, you be right there on the side, right over there with your mouth open. Come right in there, ************. I'm going to put some of your motherfucking choking ---- out your head. You're going to be coughing for two weeks, ******* with me. That ************ tried to kill me. You're ******* with a man here, baby. If I let you see, I'm going to scare the ---- out of you. If I unzip it and you took a peek, you'd go blind. Shut the **** up, girl. Man, I love my wife, though. I love my wife. I can't hurt her. I'm ******* around with you. You're ******* around my chain of thought. I usually don't let nobody **** with my chain of thought. You know, that's your day. See, white boys, let me tell you something. You with a sister. Wait a minute. Don't tell me what the **** to do. God damn it. You like who? You like women? Oh, you're a fire starter. You start a fire. Stang in there. Talking about I like women. What the **** you like? You can't do ----. But kiss it. You can't do ----. Women need dick. Women need a hammer. Women got to have the motherfucking hammer. Don't tell me you can't buy one. Motherfucker get the **** around, get a floor burn between you, god damn ******* O'Dell door, nigga. You a lesbian for real, ain't you? Damn. If I was your daddy, I'd beat your ass. I'd whip your ass to death. A lesbian. Nice looking woman. 23, 24 years old. 26 years old. College degree and a cocksucker. World coming to an end. Got an education in sucking cock. I got my master. Hey, this is my people though. You know, each is own. I think it's a beautiful thing for you to even play like that. I think it's great. When I was sitting up there, man, I was thinking about you, man. I was thinking about you. No, no, no, no, no. I'm thinking about it, man, because, you know, I went to a funeral. I don't like funerals, man. You know, funerals are full of ----. Especially black funerals. Black funerals, you know, white folks, I admire y'all, man. When the cat died one day, next day y'all bury that ************ because he ain't no good until he calls you money. You don't need him sticking around. Get rid of that ************. He died last night. He buried tomorrow. **** him. Black folks, my people, son of a bitch died, man. We got four days to **** with them. We got visitation, the wake, the funeral, and the burial. And somebody explain the motherfucking wake to me because I never did understand that ----. Where you just sit there in the ******* chair in front of the coffin watching this son of a bitch. And every now and then, this ************ look like he's breathing. This ************ breathing. White funerals, man, be nice. The light be on. The coffin be in the center. They come sing a song. The Lord is good. He's so mercy that I cannot see. They close the coffin with that ************ out. Black's funeral, somebody's got to come sing a song. Old voodoo ass song. Precious Lord. Old ancient ass song. And they got to look at the deceased family sitting in the front row because they trying to make you cry on purpose. Precious Lord Take my hand. What the **** is that? Lead me on. Let me stand. Ah. Ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Am I tired? You're looking dead at you. That's when I jumped up. What the **** you looking at me singing like that? Because you make me feel like I'm next. Don't look at me. Look over there. Sing the **** over there. And black folks, I don't know what it is. We got that old Southern mentality where we always want to tell you how somebody died. You know what I'm saying? They'll tell you that same story over, ******* over, over again. How he died. Lord, it was sunny and lightning. And I was upstairs. I was rolling my hair. And I just heard a noise. And I said, what the **** is that? And I walked downstairs and I saw him laying against the refrigerator. I said, oh, Lord, he's dead. I was so nervous I called 11-9. I swear I ain't gonna never forget. It was raining so hard I couldn't hear myself think. But I was rolling my hair and I just heard a bump. And I said, somebody downstairs. And I got my pistol because I thought somebody broke in. When I walked down there, I saw some legs. I said, is that Willie? And I look around there. He was laying over there. He was dead. Lord scared me half to death. I couldn't even finish rolling my hair. I just got through doing the front of my hair. And I just heard a bump. And I said, Willie? Willie? But he didn't say nothing. So I walked down there. I didn't say nothing at first because it was dark. It was sunny and lightning. And I looked and I saw him hunched over. I said, that ************ dead. Boy, it hurt me. It's been a week since he died, boy. But I'm telling you, I never will forget that day. It was 2 in the night. It was raining. And I was rolling my hair in the front. And it felt like somebody fell. And I said, somebody fell. I didn't go down right away because I thought he was all right. When I walked down there, I saw his ass sticking out from the refrigerator. I said, he hurt. He's just laying there. But I rolled that ************ over. He was dead. I called the ambulance. They came and got him. I never will forget. I didn't even finish rolling the back of my hair. So I was rolling. I just got this side right here. And it felt like somebody, lightning, just hit the front. And I went down there. Bitch, shut the **** up telling that goddamn story. They'd be at the funeral telling that fucked up ass story. You'd be sitting in your chair. You'd hear somebody all the way down there. I was rolling my hair. And I heard a noise. Shut the **** up. Take your ass to the hospital. I'm like, bullshit. We funny people. I was over at my brother's house last night. Before I left here, I was over at my brother's house. And I got, you know, nephews like all of us. You know, I don't know what they on. They on some other ----, right? So I was sitting up there. I was talking to my brother. We were playing pool. And my nephew came in. He said, uh, you're pretty smart. I said, well, you know, I'm all right. You know, I'm all right. He said, what's the difference between a hypothetical question and a realistic question? Kind of caught me off guard, you know. I said, damn, hypothetical and realistic. I said, they basically mean the same, but sometimes they might be different. Caught me off guard. I said, for example, man. I said, run upstairs and ask your mama, will she make love to the next door neighbor for $50,000? He went upstairs, took a little while, came back. He said, uh, mama said she'll make love to the next door neighbor, neighborhood in the next block for $50,000. I said, I'll be damned. I said, do me a favor. Go upstairs and ask your sister, will she make love to the mailman for $250,000? He ran upstairs, trotted on back. He said, uh, sister said she'll make love to the mailman, the milkman, and any other man for $50,000. I looked at my brother. Brother looked at me. I said, sit down, son. I said, I'm going to tell you something. Hypothetically speaking, you should have $100,000. I said, but realistically speaking, son, you live with two hoes.