Bernie Mac _ Better Than Cornbread_ Kings of Comedy.

We doing good like a front row seat, like a summer, my bitch. Melvin, what are you talking about, boy? I love me some white people. I'm going to take care of business. Bought your ticket early. You've been lying last month. Black folks come in the middle of the motherfucking show. Trangin, cussing, want to be seen. Some of my bitch. I've been black a long time. Tell me about a black boy. I've been black a long motherfucking time, dawg. I know what we do. We're going to start some ----. We're going to argue. **** it up. Don't tell me. Man, every time I come to Seattle, man, it's motherfucking raining. I feel like crying right goddamn now. What the **** is going on with this goddamn town? Every time I land, I'm happy. Man, I feel sad or something for some reason. Every time it's cold and ******* raining this summer, my bitch. I wrote 14 suicide notes. The last one, I said, watch and see. I'm going to do it. Watch and see. I'm old, boy. Boy, 43, good shape, boy. I'm about to change, boy. About to change. I ain't going to bullshit you. Man, you know, now I go to the doctor. See, first, black folks don't go to the doctor unless something happens to you. You fall and knock your teeth out or some ---- like that. You know, white folk go to the dentist. They get braces at five years old. I'm starting to do that ---- at 43. Shit bother me, go to the ******* doctor. Gas is a bitch. I had gas the other day, goddammit. Man, let me tell you something. That gas was all up in my motherfucking chest, boy. Boy, boy. You ever had gas up in your motherfucking back? Man, I thought I was having a heart attack like a son of a bitch. I woke my wife up, shook the ---- out of her. She said, what's wrong? Come on, come on, take me to the hospital. Come on, take me to the hospital. Every time I get a pain, boy, I run to the goddamn hospital. Head hurt, what's wrong with you? Come take me to the hospital. Dick hurt the other day, man. I had a sharp pain. She said, what's wrong with you? I said, come on, run me to the hospital. I got to see what the **** is going on, man. Because you know when you hear people die, you're going to be like, man, John died. I'm like, damn, how old was I? See, when you start getting older, you start checking to see if they're close to you. 47. Goddamn. I'm 43. My stomach been hurting for a, come on, take me to the hospital. I was doing the puss the other day, man, had a sharp pain. Come on, my goddamn thigh. I said, don't stop. I said, wipe your ass and come on, rush me to the hospital. **** that, man. I ain't got time to play, man. Man, we grown folks up in here. I'm going to tell you something. I'm sick and tired of bullshit and ******* around, man. Pussy making me so sick now, man, I don't know what to do. I used to love me some pussy, man. Pussy ain't nothing but a drug. Don't tell me I'm wearing the patch right now. Man, I ain't never seen, I ain't never seen coochie. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I ain't never seen a woman come to a man and say, yes, let's do this. Yes, I want to be a part of you. Come on, let's have sex. You get yours, I get mine. But a month later, I got to pay ******* rent for it. Something wrong here. I ain't never knew no media was on no ass, man. I ain't never knew no goddamn media was on no motherfucking ass. That's why I don't want no pussy. They be all in the back, all in the back. If I could show you right now, walk around butt naked, titty out, no drawl. Don't **** with me. I don't want none of it. Leave me the **** alone. I'm not interested. I don't care. Don't come sitting by me. Don't come putting it by me. I don't want to smell it. I don't want to be around the ************. That ---- expensive. I can't take care of that meat ----. I can't, somebody gonna starve. And when I get hungry, I'm gonna have to go to the hospital. Come take me to the hospital. I'll tell you like it is. Women funny. Women so goddamn funny, man, man. It just amazes me how women got control of everything. Women got, man, that pink-tongued bitch is a bitch. Have you ever had an argument with your woman, your wife, man, and y'all ain't spoke for like two weeks? That's a bitch. Somebody mad. Motherfucker don't talk to you for two weeks. Boy, you got a problem. When you walking in the house, and she walking down the same goddamn aisle, and y'all get this goddamn close, and y'all slide by each other. Somebody mad like a ************. When you laying in the bed, and she lay all the way the **** over there, and you all the way the hell over here. Somebody mad like a son of a bitch. And when your leg touch her leg, she scoot all the way to the goddamn edge. Somebody mad like a ************. When she so goddamn mad, she wash everybody clothes in the house, but your dookie-ass drawers still in the goddamn house. Somebody mad like a ************. When she cook for everybody in the house, but your ass, you get up in the morning, or come in the middle of the night, or in the evening, all the kids eating. You looking around, ain't nothing else on the stove. You tell the kid, let me get a little bite. Uh-uh, no, no. That's all she cook, Daddy. You know that's some bullshit. Who the **** you know just cook four chicken wings? Stanky ass. Men, we can't do like women do. I was telling you about gas earlier. It's funny. It's the truth. When you have to pass gas, men, we can't pass gas. Women can pass gas. Don't think ---- about it. Us, they kick our ass out. You ever not, I'm serious. Look at this. See, y'all get mad the ****. You ever pass gas, man, your gas, it's changed gears. You know, mm, mm, mm, just break off like that. Get your stankin' ass on out here. Kids up in here, bastard. But a woman a fart while she cookin' and ----, stirrin' the cake. Just, mm, mm, mm. I just be lookin' at her stankin' ass. We ask, oh, they funny. Have you ever made love to your woman, been makin' love to her from the back, and she farted? Boy, but you know somethin'? The moment she fart, you want that pussy so bad, you sure don't stop, though, do you? Boy, you hit that ass, boy, you be hittin' that. All of a sudden, you hear the car, mm, mm, mm. Am I right? Boy, but when you get in the car, when you get in the car, you talk about the ass like a dog. See you later, Brenda, all right. Stankin' ass bitch. Gon' fart all on my dick and ----.