TALKING TO MY 16 YEAR OLD SELF | DissociaDID | Dissociative Identity Disorder

Hello everybody, welcome to another video by Dissociated. Today is going to be a very different kind of video, one that we've never tried to make before. This is going to be a video where my 26 year old self as Kaia speaks to my 16 year old self as Chloe. 16 year old us, Chloe the host, had no idea she had DID. A lot of amnesia and a lot of martyr-like aspects to her personality. We hope that this might resonate with other people who might struggle to see their own self-worth, who struggle to set boundaries, who struggle to stand up for themselves and who worry a lot about what other people think of them and therefore are easily encouraged or manipulated into putting other people's needs before their own. This isn't just a message from me to my younger self, this is also a message from me and what I know now to you if you need it. I'm not sure if this is going to work because we've never tried to do something like this before. And Magga kept jumping up in the chair and knocking down things and rustling stuff, knocking over microphones, but if it works it'll be great. Now obviously this is me, Kaia, playing both people. This is acting and as you will see I'm not, I'm not very good at it. I'm acting based off memories. Chloe integrated back in, god, like 2019 I think? 2019? Yeah 2019. Chloe integrated with Nina to make Nin and Nin then integrated with Kyle to make me Kaia. Chloe, especially 16 year old Chloe who had no idea she was a system, doesn't exist anymore. But this is what I would tell her if I could go back in time and speak to her face to face. Hope you enjoyed. Hi. Hey darling. Darling? Are we allowed to call people pet names now? Yes, you always were. You're allowed to grow and change. I like to call people sweetie but he tells me off. I like being called darling, it's nice. He likes to control you. It's not about anything but shaping you and making you feel like you're unable to make your own choices or be your own person. He stops you developing and thinking for yourself. Don't you feel empty? I don't mind as long as he's happy and maybe he loves me better that way. I'll take anything he needs me to. I'll be a good girlfriend and be still and quiet so he loves me again. That's not love my darling. You'll see soon. Okay. How soon is soon? Are we a psychiatrist now? I really really really want to be one. Not quite. Although we know a lot about mental health and we trained in it for quite a while. Did we not do well enough in our GCSEs? My predicted grades are really good. I thought we'd do so well. We did great. Highest achieving girl in school yet. Throwing yourself into studying really paid off. I know it wasn't easy. I know it took a lot of dedication and self-discipline but I'm so proud of you. So we're smart enough but not a psychiatrist. A lawyer? Not a lawyer either. We got frustrated with how immoral some applications of law can be and how it can be manipulated to hurt the innocent. That was when we studied it in college. Okay. An animator then? No. We didn't go into animation but we still do art. That's great. Did we get better at it? I think so. We struggled to find our style but we aren't scared of people seeing our art anymore. Did we get better? That's nice. Did they figure out what the chemical imbalance was? Are we okay now? Please tell me it gets better. I'm so sorry. It's more than chemicals. You aren't ready to see it yet but there are reasons why it hurts so much. It doesn't stop. It gets harder but it also gets easier. It doesn't hurt the same way. You get so much stronger and lots of things change. You get therapy, good therapy, medication, diagnoses. We find answers and you change a lot. You're much stronger than you think. I don't think I want to be strong anymore. I'm so tired. I'm a baby. I wish I could help. Isn't anyone going to say that? That we're not being good enough? I try to be good. I try not to cause trouble. I do everything they want. Someone does save you but that person is you. I don't know what I need to do. It will become clearer as you get older. I know you can't look at it now but being a martyr, accepting abuse, staying quiet, just accepting what other people tell you to do and giving yourself away and crushing your emotions, pain and needs isn't going to make them love you more. You're perfect as you are. You're allowed to be your own person, explore your likes and desires. You're allowed to change, to have opinions, to speak. You're allowed to be confident and speak up. You can tell people what's happening even if they tell you you're not allowed to. You're allowed to exist, Chloe. No. No. I'm not meant to. You are. Just look at me. Do I look like I'm not meant to speak my truth? No. You look so different from me. You look strong. You are strong. And we are different but I'm still you, at least in part. Did it hurt to change? Yes. I'm sorry. Don't be. Look at how strong you get. I am you. You can do this. Does our body hurt less now? No. It hurts more. You're being medically neglected. There's reasons why you're in so much pain. I wish I had fought until someone listened to us. It didn't need to get this bad. At your age if someone would just listen and help we could still heal and you could have full use of your body at 26. You still have that chance but I don't. They just tell me I'm being weak. I know. They're lying. You're strong and this much pain isn't normal. You deserve real medical attention. Does it have a name? Any of it? What's going on in our head does. There's a few names actually. I'm going crazy then aren't I? No. You were never insane. There are disorders like depression, anxiety, BPD, disordered eating, all the rest but there's also something called dissociative identity disorder. DID? Don't worry about it. A therapist will explain it to you when you're ready. Right now you know it by a different name. What name is that? I can't tell you. You're not ready to know yet. It takes many years before you start to accept it. Lots of therapists and psychiatrists confirming it to you. Multiple professional diagnoses of the same thing. It will change your whole life and everything you think you know about yourself. It's a journey but you have a way to go before you're ready to take the first steps. Don't worry. It's a good thing to know in the end. That sounds really intense. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that. I'm not sure anyone can ever be truly ready for the understanding of the world to be flipped on its head like that but I'm your future. Don't you think I turned out okay? You look okay. You look older. I know I'm wise but you look a different kind of tired than me. Yeah but I'm here aren't I? That means you make it through where you are right now. I wouldn't believe it if I couldn't see you. I don't feel like I can last much longer. You have no idea what you're capable of. You've moved mountains and parted seas. I promise you, even if it feels impossible, you can make it to here. You will make it to here. Okay. Okay. Hello. Good. Will I see you again? You see me every day. What do you mean? The future is as much a part of you as the past. Even if you can't see it yet and it's easier to remember what's come before instead, stop looking back. You have so much more to be. Open your eyes and allow yourself to exist where you are now. The rest will come to you on its own. I guess I'll see you in the future then. You'll be me in the future. I don't really need to say goodbye then, do I? No, you don't. Well, that was different. I hope you enjoyed that. It's unusual for us, I know, but I'd be very interested to hear what you think and whether you like this kind of content, whether it worked or flopped dramatically. We tried our best. Remember, you are worth fighting for. You are just as important as anyone else in your life. If not, you should be more important because no one's going to look out for you like you are. Your comfort, your health, your physical well-being all matter and don't let anybody tell you that it doesn't. Fight for your rights. Fight to be taken seriously. Fight to be respected and heard and loved. Here on this channel, you will always be respected, heard, and loved. But you should be respected, heard, and loved everywhere in your life. Cultivate people and places that make you feel safe and confident, that make you feel comfortable being yourself. And that's the message of today's video. Healing is a lot of work, a lot of work, but it's so worth it. It's so worth it. So give yourself a little bit of extra love today, right? Lots of love, everybody. Bye.