I have a broken heart

This is another one of those videos that I don't really know how to begin. Some of you guys know that I've kind of been going through a tough time in my life. I am going through my Saturn return and I have Saturn in my fourth house and it has not been easy. But these last few weeks have been pretty hard. I really thought I was in a place today where I could sit down and film this video and not just immediately start crying. My emotions have been all over the place lately. I go from feeling really, really sad to really, really happy and everything in between. You know, I don't really love the holidays and I wish that wasn't the case. And I know a lot of people can relate to this. The holidays kind of remind me of just kind of how alone I feel in my life. And I feel really guilty whenever I say that. I feel guilty when I say that like I don't have friends. Because there's probably some people watching this video that consider me a friend. And I do have friends. But I feel like I just don't have my tribe. My soul tribe. You know, I don't really have any friends that are interested in the same things I'm interested in. I don't have any of those connections where it feels really deep and really soulful. My day to day life, I don't have that support. I don't have that community. I don't have those friends and those people that just get me. And then as far as my family goes, you know, I don't want to offend anybody. But I've always just had this like, really big disconnect when it comes to my family and I. I've always kind of been the black sheep. I've never really felt accepted or supported by my family. And in in some of their minds, I'm the I'm the villain. You know, I don't have that family dynamic where like we're close and we talk and we're involved in each other's lives. And if I'm having a bad day, I could pick up the phone and call them. I don't have that. And what's different this year than every other year is this is the first year where I don't have a boyfriend around the holidays. The week of Thanksgiving, I had a conversation with with a family member and it was deeply, deeply triggering. And I don't even think this person knows like how triggered I was. I don't think they realized how offended I was. I don't think they realized how judged I felt. And I was just really hurt by the interaction. And then, you know, I was trying to take a break from dating. Like back in September, I was like, I just need to take like a year off. I always have a boyfriend. I tried to take a break from dating and that didn't last long. I ended up getting involved with somebody and that and that didn't last. It just it didn't work out. And that's okay. But these situations that I have found myself in lately made me realize like I woke up the other day and I realized that I am just alone. It didn't even occur to me that I have always had a boyfriend during the holidays for like years. And I know that I need to be alone right now. You know, I know that. But in years past, like even if I was in an unhappy relationship, at least there was somebody there. You know, the holidays can be really lonely. And so even though I feel very disconnected from my family and I really don't feel like I have any friends, at least I would have a boyfriend to spend the holidays with. I would have his family to spend the holidays with. And what I realize now is that all of these years, that was really masking how alone I truly feel. I hate to like feel sorry for myself, but there are weeks that go by in my life where like I literally don't talk to anybody. Where like I don't receive a text message from anybody. I don't send a text message from anybody. I understand that it's like a two-way street. You know, it's hard for me to say, oh I have no friends because I don't really think I'm making the effort. But like I said, it's just because I don't feel like I've really found my people. I just haven't felt like a deep bond with anybody in a really long time. I feel like this video is all over the place and I probably just look like a mess, but like I said, the last couple weeks have been pretty hard. Some of the things that have unfolded in my life kind of like ripped off this this band-aid. I literally feel like I am unpacking like 20 years of suppressed emotions and trauma that I think deep down I knew it was there, but I just consciously tried to avoid it. So I'm really grateful that I feel alone right now because I think I need this. Like I said, I have Saturn in my fourth house and the fourth house is the house of family and that sense of home. It's our roots. It's where we come from. It's the the life and the family that we create for ourselves in adulthood. And so my Saturn return has really shown me how I don't have that. Like I can honestly say that I don't have a single place or a single person in my life that feels like home to me. So right now what I'm experiencing is like the deepest and most devastating feeling of just like heartbreak. It's not just one thing, you know, like it's a culmination of just so many things that have just kind of been brought to the surface that I'm realizing for the first time that I'm facing on like a really deep level. And you know, once upon a time, back when I used to be like a big drinker and a big partier, or I was a lot more promiscuous, you know, I was like desperate for somebody to love me. I would distract myself from my pain. You know, so many people do. You drink it away. You shop it away. You do drugs. You have sex. You, you know, you binge watch Netflix. You know, there's so many ways that we distract ourselves from what's really going on. Ever since I went through my spiritual awakening two years ago, I have been on this conscious healing spiritual journey. When really challenging things come up to the surface, when I get triggered, when I get my heart broken, I don't distract myself from it anymore. You know, I actually, I actually work through it and process it and sit with it and face it. And it's hard. It is not easy to actually process what's going on. It's a lot easier to run away from it in the long run. It just hurts you more to run away from it and mask it with alcohol or sex or whatever. But healing is not pretty. I'm having a heart awakening, unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. And I know that it's a good thing. I know that all of this trauma in this, this deep feeling of just like emptiness and rejection and judgment and abandonment. That's really what it is. That's what I'm experiencing. It's this really deep abandonment that has always existed inside of me. And it has come up to the surface and I'm really working through it. I know I'm going to come out on the other side of this time in my life. So empowered and so full of self-love. And that's going to cause me to attract people who love me. It's going to cause me to attract my soul tribe into my life. But right now in this moment, it is painful and it is hard. Most of you guys know about the narcissistic relationship that I was in. That relationship ended at the very, very end of 2018. It was exactly three years ago. And what I didn't really realize until just now, until these last couple of weeks is that after I went through that relationship, I closed my heart off. I went on to date a few people after that relationship. I've had relationships in the last three years, but every one of those relationships has been with somebody who loved me more. Who loved me more than I loved them. I chose safe relationships because I knew that if it didn't work out, I would be okay. And I'm going to expose myself right now because over the last three years, I really believed that the reason I wasn't getting hurt by men the way that I used to, the reason I wasn't getting hurt over relationships falling apart like I used to, I thought it was because I had cultivated this really deep self-love. And while that's true, I have cultivated a lot of self-love over the last three years. I didn't realize that really the reason why I wasn't affected by breakups like I used to, it's because I had closed my heart up. I chose relationships that felt safe. I chose people that I knew weren't going to hurt me. I have said in videos before, and I have said this for years in my real life to people that I don't think I ever want to get married. And I don't think I want children. And this awakening that I'm going through right now, it's made me realize that that was all a defense mechanism. You know, am I completely convinced suddenly that I want children? No. But I do think that that's a possibility for me. I really had convinced myself that marriage wasn't for me and I was just going to date around and have fun. And I realize now that that's not what I want. I realize now that I came to this planet to love. I love love. And I've always believed that there is one person out there for me. You know, I want that. I want a partner. Not right now, but I want that. And I believe we have a lot of soulmates, but you know what I mean. I want to find my person, my other half. I know they exist. And I know right now I need to focus on myself. I'm not looking for that right now. But this idea that marriage isn't for me and I don't want children and I don't need a family, you know, that's really how I have been living my life. But when I really connect to my soul and my heart, that's not who I am. And that's not what I want. I want to be loved. I want to experience love for a lifetime. Not for a year and then I run away. Not for six weeks and then somebody relieves me. I feel like I'm living in two worlds right now because while I'm experiencing this really deep pain and heartbreak, I have simultaneously had some really bizarre experiences happening to me. I've had, you know, my fair share of pretty mystical, magical, really cool experiences. But the last couple of weeks I have had some of the most unbelievable, spiritual, impossible to explain, mystical experiences. The universe is speaking to me right now in a way that it never has before. I have been shown more in the last two weeks that destiny is real and that there is a divine plan. This is going to sound crazy to some people, but I don't care. This is what's happening in my life right now. I started having visions of this guy and I know that he's my life partner. I know that he's my soulmate. I don't really know what he looks like, but yet I do. I can feel his energy. I feel his sense of humor. I can hear him talking to me in my mind and he started to appear in my dreams. I know that when I meet him in real life, I'm going to know right away that it's him. I don't know how to explain it any other way other than whoever my soulmate is, whoever my person is, our energy has come in contact with one another like energetically. We have, we've found each other energetically, but he just hasn't appeared in my physical reality yet. And I know some people probably think I'm delusional. I have a Pisces moon, hopeless romantic, rose colored glasses, idealized version of the truth, but I'm telling you something mystical and magical is happening to me right now. I can hear him. I can see him. I can feel his sense of humor and I can feel his love. The craziest thing. I've never ever in my life had something like this happen to me before. He has brought like healing and comfort to me. I'm having crazy synchronicities like never before numbers and songs and conversations and just the most bizarre encounters. I can't even tell you how many times a day over the last week, I've been stopped dead in my tracks with my jaw on the floor. And I've just been like, Oh my God, destiny is real. Fate is real. There's a divine plan. I can also feel these friends. I can feel my soul tribe is what it is. I have connected with them energetically. I can feel this man who I know is my soulmate. And I can feel these friends, these sisters, these people that our souls are already intertwined. Our energy is already connected. I can feel them. I can see them. I can hear them. They're in my visions. They're in my dreams. The reason I'm saying all of this is because right now in this moment, in this video, I am putting it out into the universe. I intend to find these people and my soulmate who I've met on an energetic level, who is into the same things as me. And he has a really good sense of humor and he might be a Capricorn, but I'm not totally sure. And I can just see him. I can see these people. It's the craziest thing. I am calling these people in. I'm not going to force it. We're just going to find each other. I'm going to take inspired action. I'm going to let fate lead me. And I'm going to let destiny lead me. And I won't have to feel lonely and like I don't have a community because I do. I just haven't met them yet. And I think that this experience I'm going through right now, this deep healing, this recognition and this acknowledgement that I feel alone. I'm alone. I'm in solitude. I'm sitting with my shadows and my soul and I'm going through this dark night of the soul. I think I had to go through this. This is necessary. This was always part of the divine plan. And I encourage any of you guys who are still watching this, leave in the comments down below what you're calling in to your life. What do you want? What do you desire? Be honest with yourself. For so long, I tried to deny what I really want. I tried to deny that I wanted a lifelong partner. I tried to deny that I don't need a family. I don't need friends. I'm just alone. And this is my journey. That's not what I want. And I'm not going to keep claiming that. I'm not going to keep telling that story. I want a soulmate. I want love. I want a family. I deserve it all. The family, the friends, the love, the career, the dreams. I deserve it all. And I'm claiming it right here, right now in this video. And I want you to do the same. What do you intend to happen? What do you want to call into your life? Leave it in the comments below. I made this video for a lot of reasons. This is like a diary entry. I don't have anybody to talk to in my life. So I talk to you guys. And so I made this video because this is healing for me. But I'm also making this video because one day when I finally meet this man of my dreams, who I feel like I already know, and I feel like he knows I exist, like our energy has already met, I want to show him this video. So hi. I don't know if this video makes any sense. This is really just my real raw thoughts. And who knows, maybe I won't even post this. I'm gonna have to go back and see the mess I've created. But that's what I'm going through right now. I'm heartbroken, but I'm healing. You know, the most profound healing, the most profound breakthroughs have always come, you know, from pain. Sitting with your pain is so rewarding. It's so easy to run away or bottle it up and suppress it and distract ourselves. But you don't gain the benefit that comes from the pain if you do that. I have spent years of my life pouring all of my love and my heart and my soul into other people who were never capable of reciprocating it. And now I'm going to pour all of that into myself. If you guys made it to the end of this video, thank you. Like really thank you for holding space for me. I've been crying a lot the last couple of weeks and I thought I could hold it together a little bit better today, but apparently not. So this is all part of the process and I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be better than okay. If you guys made it to the end of this video, please leave me a turtle emoji in the comment section as always. And if you are going through a hard time right now, you just have to believe in faith and faith and destiny. I love you guys. I will see you next time.