I'm having a breakdown...

What's up guys? I hope you're doing well. I just wanted to make a video today because I haven't made a video since Wednesday and I've been seeing my kids and I'm not allowed to film my kids. So sometimes Thursday and Friday I went and I saw my kids and then Saturday I went on tour and then yesterday I came back on Sunday, saw my kids again and then Monday I tried to make a video and I'm just, I don't know. I just literally can't and I'm really sorry I haven't posted anything and part of the problem is I think that in my house there's just like so much activity there that I literally can't get anything done and that's not to say that like I don't love everybody there but I think because of like whatever is going on in my brain I have like a because of like my bipolar disorder like if if I get pulled off an idea like I can't I literally can't go back to the idea and it's like it's just really affecting me so like as much as I love everybody there the actual process of being pulled out of a video like if I'm editing something and then someone's like hey can you be in this video the actual process of it it derails me and I and so for that reason I am gonna move out of the house and I think I need to get my own place so yeah I just I don't know what to do because at the same time it's like the videos that I made last week on Monday and Wednesday had a lot of editing in them and I know that you guys like that I know you like like lots of editing and I love it too those videos were posted they took me you know like 10 hours to edit both ones and um and I think that's like great and yesterday I was trying to do that I was working on something called um reacting to youtubers I got through one youtuber and it had like a lot of edits in it and it had a lot of funny jokes and it was about five minutes long and I liked it a lot a big vlog yesterday with that took a lot of time and I love him I love him to death and I love helping him and like he's the best to work with but at one point I was just like I I can't I just I just made the decision to be like oh forget my work I'll just go help David because like I knew I could I knew I could accomplish what what what he needed to do I mean and you know to be honest like his his vlog is is you know just as important as my vlog to me um because you know it keeps it keeps all of us um I don't know it keeps like everyone watching the group and I think that there's um I don't know I can only speak for myself but like I know that I worry that like oh like people will stop watching us you know so I I I want you know David to continue and I want I want Zane to thrive and I want Scottie to thrive and I want Tati to thrive and um but sometimes uh it just really it just derails you other things that I'm thinking about is um I have this relationship with Trisha who I love very much and I read I think I read comments sometimes and a lot of people don't don't like us together or they'll be like this channel has become all Trisha it gets it it gets in your head where you're like oh like well what am I doing how what what what is the channel and I mean as it is like we're another problem is that we took these tour dates which um so we're the other problem is that we've taken these tour dates and there it's every Saturday in August and it and I didn't realize like how much that will affect everything else like you think about it you're like oh yeah we'll just fly in on Saturday and then yeah we'll fly out on Sunday I'll be back with my kids but we're totally zonked and exhausted and like the last one we went to was great the actual show in Atlanta was I think it was probably our best podcast like David was super funny um Scottie and Heath performed Zane came out was super funny Tati told the story like it was as like a as like a communal effort like every it was probably our best show but we were on um Delta and um yeah I don't need but no it was we we sat on the runway for like two hours and it really just took a lot out of me um I'm just like confessing my problems I'm so sorry if this isn't funny I just I I wanted to just I'm just trying trying this I hope it's okay another problem I have is I have these two kids who are absolutely the best best best things to me in my life they're they're they're just amazing amazing kids and um my my ex-wife doesn't want them on the internet which I get I get that and um and I understand that like why you know she just doesn't want them on the internet she just doesn't want them you know being recognized or she doesn't she doesn't want people knowing about them or or them reading comments and stuff like that and what but what makes it hard is when I when I have them for two days like I I I can't film I can't film anything and I really I I've actually noticed something yesterday I did film them the other day but it was just like for personal use and I was going back to the footage and and I've developed this really strange um I don't know what the word is it's like it's a weird predilection it's like when I when I see their when I hear and see their faces on video I I get like it's it's like this amazing uh feeling it's it's almost like a uh if there's like a if there's like a psychologist out there that knows what this is I don't know it's almost like when I see people on video I get like um I get like a rush from it and hearing and seeing my kids on video I was like like it was almost like a higher power like where I I don't know I guess I got like a rush of like dopamine in my head like seeing them on video which is messed up because what you really should just see them in person and feel that and I do feel that when I see them in person like I will just stare at my daughter sometimes and be like oh my god like this is she is the most amazing thing ever um but then when I leave them I I literally cry in my car um as I as I leave them and it'll be like the silliest it'll be literally stupid like it'll be like I had spent the whole day with them I had given them a great day like we did this we did that and yes and we played music and and I and I listened to all their stories and I was present or whatever and then it got it gets to be like eight o'clock I was joking with David the other day I was like oh I was like um did you know that every time I leave my kids to come film with you I cry in my car and um and he was preoccupied with something else I don't think he heard me but I literally will like be crying in my car as I leave and I and I don't think that that's like normal at all or maybe it is I don't know guys comment below if you think I'm nuts no guys comment below if you think that's normal I I don't know don't comment just don't do anything I don't care so when I'm with them I can't film them and so and just the nature of vlogging it's like you you wanna I don't know like once I'm off and I think this leads back to me being derailed by things so if if the camera's off then you know you don't have any footage um and also the way that I vlog I like to have like a story you know or some some sort of like uh some goal like in like the David video with the thing it was stupid but I was making him chicken parmesan and then in the end he tried the chicken parmesan so like that was like a goal and so but to do other vlogs where it just like skips around and um I just don't I just don't really those aren't as fun to do and I know that like I have this relationship with Tricia and I know that you guys a lot of you feel like oh it's it's toxic and um and and like we shouldn't be together and um I want to say that I'm older than a lot of you guys and I know that a relationship it takes a lot of work and effort and I didn't know that when I was younger when I was married I was just like oh this doesn't work that's it I'm not gonna and so now that I'm older I know that if I put in enough work or make her feel secure enough and to be honest like we had a date planned last night that was another problem with this like the worst day yesterday it got to be six o'clock seven o'clock and I was like I'm not gonna make the date because I can't I haven't posted and so um and she was like really really really nice about it and I know that maybe in the beginning of our relationship she wouldn't have been as understanding and she's been so understanding and so nice to me and um you know that that just that just makes me love her even more so anyway this is just a a quick video to like to tell you guys that I'm still around um we're also moving out we're gonna be moving out of our house soon they're tearing our house down so we don't know where we're gonna live and that is like a pain in the neck like I look at apartments all the time on my phone I'm like oh what am I doing and I'm trying to like maybe get a loan for a house but I can't get a loan for a house because my credit's bad and uh you know I don't even know if I should post this video but but the point is I'm like we I just wanted to say I'm here that's what's going on with me that's what's going through that's what I'm going through it's not like anything major major um I'm sure that there's like lots of youtubers out there that make me like feel like this and uh you know what what what can we do what what can we I just don't want to I don't want to be I don't want to be like upset like don't like I don't feel like I don't know I mean is that even what you're supposed to I've been getting a lot of um it was really funny I uh I did a lot of editing on those videos last week and then people were commenting oh you're you're you're you copied Emma Chamberlain and um it's true I did I did copy Emma Chamberlain um I was like I was watching her videos I was like oh these are good I was like oh that's cool she edits really well I haven't learned how to do this the squishy face yet it's pretty embarrassing when you're 45 and you're copying a 17 year old but um I'm not that good of an editor she's way better than me but I like her videos I think they're good so Emma Chamberlain thanks for letting me steal from you so yeah we have to go to um Newark this weekend which I don't know I guess we'll fly out on Friday or Saturday we have dates every Saturday in August we go to Newark then we go to the next weekend we go to Houston then we go to San Jose which will be easier and then we finish in Chicago with this huge um thing in Chicago we're all gonna be there I like I think I think Dave is trying to bring like everybody to Chicago but yeah I just got into like a really bad funk it was like Wednesday uh since Wednesday yesterday was just the craziest day at my house this is what it's like at my house it's it's just oh my god it's so insane it's so insane I woke up I shot some stuff with Trisha got back to the house I was like okay I'm gonna work on this video reacting to youtubers and then like it was just freaking Grand Central Station and like Matt from Fanjoy came over and he had he had stuff to bring in and I had to open the door for them then these two girls come to our door then Jonah comes over and then Jonah's like hey you can shave my head if you want for a link in the description and David was like ding so he's like okay there's the vlog which is like great and then they were like shaving him in the bathroom and there's just screams coming from the bathroom and like you know the vlog was great like I was really happy for David it was awesome but it was just like I was just like oh my god I was like what is going on and then Joe Volpis came over uh it's Joe and he was doing this thing where he was having reacting to his old vines which was a great idea and I thought the video was really funny I was like oh awesome then Josh Peck had a video where he told me like this crazy news like and I was just like oh my god like there's just so much going on like there's just too much going on and and and sometimes you know when you have these days like you just you just gotta go you just gotta go and and this is for everybody out there you just gotta go yeah today's a wash you know what I mean you just gotta go today's a wash that's it not gonna do you know and I and like and the thing that I learned from yesterday is like and I always want to remember this is like it's okay it's okay if it's a day that's a wash you know what I mean and like it's not a wash in the grand scheme of things because like I help Joe I help Josh I help David I help Jonah who looks great and so like those are the things that I'm like trying to remember you know and yeah that's life that that is that is life like you just have these days where you're like hey man it didn't happen it didn't happen today I went home and I um and then I just like couldn't get my work done then my son calls me then Wyatt calls me and he facetimes me and like and I love when he facetimes me like it's it's like the best like I I don't want to work I just want to hang out with them he's like oh hey daddy uh uh um so I figured out um and I'm like uh-huh uh-huh yeah and it's this like push pull you know it's this thing where it's like you you love him and you just like wanna but you're also like I gotta get this video up he's like oh um um um daddy um uh so I um um um and you're like what is it like what spit it spit it but I'm not saying that to him I'm not saying spit it spit it but that's what I'm thinking I'm like spit it out spit it out what are you what do you want to say say it to me because I have to make money well um I called I had I figured out that um I figured out that uh um the one wheel I that the the lights I got the lights to light up on the one wheel and the one wheel is like this thing it's a one wheel it's I don't know go look it up and I was like oh cool great and he's like yeah I um I emailed the company um a couple weeks ago and um they yeah yeah they they did what they did what they um they emailed me back and I was like oh why is that that's great I was like that's great that's awesome I love you so much he's like yeah yeah um and I was like did it always have lights like well it um you know like then you're sorry that you like went down even more down the rabbit hole well it um it had a it had the red light but um but um now now the whole board um lights up blue and like he's just he's just the best I mean he's he's just the the sweetest kid and I love him so much and like and it like breaks my heart that I'm not there with him like all the time um but gotta work you know that's normal I think I have a problem like knowing like normal things like what's normal because I don't have any normalcy does that make sense you know what I mean but it's normal for a dad to go out and work right that's normal dad's gotta work dad's gotta provide a lot of kids a lot of dads don't even see their kids I'm gonna see them today I'm seeing them tonight but that's fine so like I need to just chill out I know I just need to chill out and so um yeah so that was that was interesting my mother has the best advice she always says this to me and and when I complain I'll complain about something and she'll just go Jason you don't know what a bad day is and I that always sticks with me meaning like I'm not sick um I I can I can feed my kids I have beautiful beautiful people in my life I um I have this group of guys that are like just always there for me you know young guys I got this question at the live show and it sounded super I mean and also I I have you guys right I have all the amazing I hate I hate how that I the number one thing I hate about the internet is the comments and how the negative comments are the only people that get talked about you know what I mean like I'm here complaining on this video right now about the people that were negative when there's you know 90% of the people are the people that are like right on dog right on like I'm I love this I love what you're doing you know what I mean like I wish I could focus on those people you know but that would be like self-aggrandizing if I sat there and just read great comments oh this person loves me like you just don't do that you know oh here's another one Jason you are so handsome oh wow who wrote that wow look at this one Jason you're a great father and boyfriend someone asked oh we were doing the live show in Atlanta which was great as I said they said oh well what what advice would you give to um somebody and they they asked it to me which was great and I said and I just said you know don't don't quit don't quit because like I I struggled for so many years uh for like 20 years like trying to be a stand-up and I wasn't good at stand-up and then I made a couple movies and they didn't make me any money and and and the only thing that I I did right was like I didn't quit and like and I I had to wait till I was like 42 years old so think about that like think about somebody that starts when they're like 20 or someone starts at 18 20 right they want to be an entertainer and then they get to be like 32 and like most people that that would be like the time to quit you know what I mean like I've been doing this for 10 years it didn't work I'm gonna get a job I waited a whole I waited a whole other 10 years of non-success and if I hadn't and I said this to the crowd I said I wouldn't be sitting here with these guys which I was sitting with Todd and Zane and David and Heath and um and you know everyone applauded everyone liked that you know which is great I'm glad I could you know impart some wisdom you know so if you see us on tour um yeah if you have like questions like that or when you come and meet us after the show like one of my favorite things um that this happened during the show which I thought was a couple people came up to me and they go and and this was to me and David and they go I just I've gotten us a bunch on the tour which is like I just want to say that I had some really hard times and your videos um helped me through like a really bad depression and um and when people say that to me I'm like I want to know I'm like it feels so good so thank you if if you're like one of those people that said that to me on the tour stops like I love that and if I meet you this weekend please if share that story with me I love when people share those stories that makes me so so so like feel so good like it fills me up I'm just like I had a friend who um is my age and she was like um she was like yeah but like what are you doing on YouTube like you're like kind of like hurting society on YouTube like you're like not you're like don't you want to do something good and I was like I told her right to her face I was like I am doing something good like I know I am I know someone can watch me and they're younger than me let's say they're in their 30s and their life is like god like I don't know what to do with my life I know someone can look at me and go yes like you can make it like yes you can accomplish all your dreams like I I am that person I am that person that waited around long enough that never gave up that that said um that that never ever ever ever gave up I mean mostly because I had I there was nothing else I could do and that I was too stupid to get a real job and no one would hire me at a bank but I didn't quit and and yeah I want to be that person so I I feel like if you see me at a on a tour stop and and please please share those stories with me someone came up we we met a girl from Parkland a girl who was you know at the high school during the Parkland shooting and the mom said to us she was like thank you thank you so much like this your videos like helped her get through like that shooting like like and I'm not like trying to brag like I'm not I'm I'm not saying this to be self-aggrandizing and say like look at us we're so awesome but I'm telling I'm saying it because I want the people to meet us to share their stories with me because I truly truly love it I love it like I love it and I and when someone says they were depressed like and my videos help them I want to I want to like actually know like oh whoa what was it was it like three months was it two weeks or what what made you depressed so like yes yes yes I love all that and the other thing that people say that I totally love the other thing that I love people say they go oh I watch the ads for your kids but most of all most of all what I love is you guys I love that so many of you are half my age or I could be your dad and that you watch me and that you've supported me through the last year and a half that you come to the channel and you click nice things and you say nice things and you watch you watch my videos and you sit through the ads or whatever you do thank you so much I feel so blessed I feel so good um I feel better just just talking to camera and just talking and just letting everybody know that I just just thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for watching the channel and thank you for like um uh just giving me a second chance at life I love you guys and that is my long-winded video for today