A Healthy Relationship vs. a NARCISSISTIC One | Dr. Ramani Durvasula

every healthy relationship every healthy relationship has the same core ingredients kindness compassion patience mutuality of regard reciprocity um respect every every every single one and as long as you got that flexibility flexibility no narcissistic relationship has even one of those ingredients so that's why they don't work they don't work so yeah they're always going to be hard work because you have not one of the essential ingredients like you're trying to make a bake a cake without flour eggs or sugar good luck with that how do you know when you're entering a new relationship if the person is not a narcissist like maybe you've been in a narcissistic relationship or your parent was or whatever it is and you have some pts from those experiences and you feel like well I'm supposed to be walking in eggshells but I don't need to it's kind of healthy like is the Sho going to drop like when you know the person isn't a narcissist how long does that take to find out about the same amount of time it takes to discover that they are in the sense that the difference is narcissists actually there's red flags right I call these green flags green flags mean go and green flags are things like watch the person watch how the person behaves under conditions of stress so let's say that uh you're running late to the airport great that's a great example of a stress right how are they acting and are they you know they're saying oh I'm a little worried about this but we're going to make it work and listen what's the wor is going to happen we'll get rebooked and they're calm and like you know listen I'm just glad to be here with you like we'll figure it out yeah we'll go to an airport hotel if we have to but we're going to be fine a narcissist when they're running late to the airport oh oh no no no no what and it just it's just I it's chaos stress accusations this is your fault entitlement let me speak to the manager get me on that plane get that plane back to the gate that that's the narcissist right whereas with the um with somebody you watch them doesn't have to be something as dramatic as the airport it could be even something like hey I noticed you've been working late how about I make some dinner so it's the noticing it's the presence it's the mindfulness it's the willingness to be flexible and make compromise when it's needed um to meet you halfway to listen to you and more than anything is to also see the growth potential in you so not to be threatened by your own success so if you go to this person and you're like hey you know what I got this totally cool new opportunity and the healthy person says that is amazing you have worked your whole life I saw this in you what can we do to make this work for you whereas everybody else and not just narcissists but insecure people will say oh I guess that's just going to mean more time away and you're going to be traveling a lot there's going to be a lot of women on the road and you're like oh my gosh they just got the job of their dreams oh my gosh and bringing back so many memories to me that's the key and I'm a big believer that you know there's actually something in we're I'm going a little off topic but you're an off topic guy you can handle it there's something called the Michelangelo phenomenon one person in the relationship sees the absolute potential in the other in such a way that they say what do we need to do to get you to get you to your dream like do we need to should we like should we take a second on the house should we cut back you know do should we move closer in like because I see or or you know what it could be simple as simple as they eat a cake that their part made and said okay this is the best cake I've ever had have you ever thought of making this into a business or a partner of yours might have said you ask the most amazing questions you need a podcast like it's seeing that something bigger in the person that's a good thing that's that's the Michelangelo phenomena that's everything that's a good thing it's the best thing and very few relationships get that because what you got to do is that person who saying go be your best you is secure enough to say I'm not going to lose you like see all the good in you and that and I want the best for you and I want the best for you and I believe in you and I'm here with you and and that might even mean the person encouraging you might have to make sacrifice things like you know I know that you're going to have to go take this course for six months and I may not see you and that's okay because this is our future together that's the Michelangelo phenomenon never ever what's the opposite narcissistic relationship in in the previous I would say 10 years of my relationships I think I was just really good at choosing uh specific people because I was always like I always saw the Masterpiece and I said I said you're Masterpiece and I can see what's possible for you with all these skills and gifts but there was like some insecurities with some of them not all of them and they never were able to see it with themselves they they weren't able to see it and then I remember when I would accomplish something big in some of these relationships not all of them it was almost like they would get depressed or sad and say oh and then make it about what they lacking what they don't have and wanting to put their intention back on them I remember I I got an email for a year I was training to become uh to make the USA national team was a dream of mine to go to the Olympics and make the USA national team for a sport called team handball which it's a big sport in Europe not that big in USA I remember getting an email and literally almost in tears that I was selected for the USA team and it was just like a dream for for a couple years of a journey this is 10 years ago and I remember I I showed her my girlfriend at the time I go I just got called up on the national team and I'm like getting kind of emotional just chills now back in that moment and she didn't congratulate me she just kind of went back into God I wish I was doing what I wanted to do and I wish I was this and I was just like what Bingo right there this okay well yeah let me come back and help you I kind of put my attention back on like you know you're going to get these things going and you know I'm here for you but it's like this diminishing I had this happen at one of my big events one time my HB Host this annual event called the summon of greatness and uh a relationship at a time made it all about them at the event that I wasn't there for them because the attention was on me and people were coming up to me and I was like this is something I've been working all year to host and then I said you know what let me pause in my event for two hours to give the attention to this person and I and I was always trying to see the Masterpiece but it's like I don't know I'm like you're having so many realizations for me right yeah I mean but that's the idea that that ego and it's interesting not everyone who's not capable of this sort of Michelangelo phenomenon in a relationship is a narcissist by any stretch they may just have more of the lowr insecurity that so many people are plagued by right all insecurity doesn't mean narcissism right insecurity paired with all this entitlement and lack of empathy and all of that is the problem and so it's so unfortunate because it is there then you again it's talking about self-actualization for the individual I think there can even be actualization in relationships where two people like they really see they see the greatness in each other it can't just be you the only one seeing the Masterpiece they have to see the Masterpiece in you well because it's just draining if it's just one person right it's also a mirror that's not reflecting back at you oh so what I'm hearing you say the ultimate experiment in a relationship is when both parties are seeing the Masterpiece in each other and they supportive of each other and when one is succeeding uh person I'm with right now she's incredible she's just uh a walk success everything she does is just successful I'm so happy for her I want her to succeed I'm like this is amazing let's celebrate you and she's happy for you she's happy for me big go that's it has to be a two-way street she admires the work I'm doing she admires the mission we're on to help people and uh she's like what can I do to support you it feels interesting I mean it feels beautiful it is beautiful I mean that that's the key though because that ability to sort of Co like you know again to have that that um that collocated growth that Michelangelo if you will you're in essence you're you're realizing the statue from the raw piece of marble every day and you're both sculpting that for the other my gosh but that that's again no narcissistic relationship is like that and with a narcissistic relationship it's really the them show like everyone is just sort of in the audience watching them and celebrating them they can so they can be the only great one in a relationship really