Trauma Expert: “Everybody Does This!” How Parents Pass Down Their Trauma - Dr Frank Anderson

I mean that seems like a common theme for a lot of parents almost be for all parents but right I like people can resonate with that where it's like yeah parents were frustrated with me because I didn't listen or I was a rambunctious or I know I was like jumping on the walls half the time that's right and you'll hear you know people say that my parents would say these things like oh after all I've done for you you don't appreciate me you don't you know you don't listen to me you're just take advantage of me right how that doesn't seem healthy but what what can parents do to realize okay kids are going to be kids and maybe it's not this perfect world every day where they're like listening to me and quiet and patient and well so how can parents shift their energy to appreciate bringing life into the world as opposed to needing appreciation from a 5-year-old right so what ends up happening and um I Dr Becky is somebody who I know I don't know if you know yeah had her on you I thought you've had her on she she's so good she gets she's a big ifs aligned person too and so she she really her parenting stuff is so solid I love what she has to say and a lot of it is parents often get activated about their kids' Behavior because of their own stuff of their history and my message is do your work so you don't say and I've said it do you know how much I've done for you I've said it I'm my parents said it and I say as a kid I used to say as a kid I didn't ask to be born like that's what I would say to them when they would like shove this appreciation when I heard myself say it to my kids I'm like oh my God this is horrible like how painful to do what was done to your you know but when I looked a little deeper like I If my if I behaved the way my kids were behaving entitled and not appreciative I would have gotten beaten so I want to stop their behavior so it doesn't activate my own to want to beat them or hit them or SP them stop stop doing this because it's too uncomfortable for me because it reminds me of my history wow do you see that and so that's the cycle the parents are in that they're not aware of so when you start doing this stuff to your kids and everybody does it unfortunately then it's like do your work I have done more healing in my life through my children than anybody else through any other therapists like they have brought this stuff to my attention you know I started becoming my father in the negative way in the negative the wounded ways the wounded ways and that was that shot me into therapy for the third time is when I had kids and I started yelling at them and I was like I grew up with this the reason I had kids was to not to to give them something else and here I'm doing it and it was like when what was inside of you that was doing it because when my boys would fight if two kind of rambunctious boys when they would fight can remember feeling Panic inside cuz if I yelled and screamed like that I would have gotten beaten so every time they fought my history showed up gosh instead of like they're boys come on guys let's behave Tre just like when you're not activated by your history you're like hey you know what we don't throw toys if you're upset use your words like there's a way to react when you're not activated yes the anytime you lose it it's about your history when it's intense it's yours I think I heard maybe it's gab mate that said um if it's hysterical it's historical that's exactly right yeah that's exactly right it's hysterical it's historical yes that's correct and people don't know that because you're because it's like if you're seeing a situation two kids running around and hitting each other or stealing something from it screaming and yelling and you're reactive it's because you're triggered by an event that you haven't faced and processed fully yet correct from your past correct otherwise it would just be a neutral event and if it didn't happen to you or it didn't trigger you you just say hey guys like break this up what are we doing you know it's like let's get to your room and take a break people don't know that and people don't want they're like it it frustrates me that there's so many parenting there's so many books about kids Behavior there's not many books about parents Behavior Dr chaali is another one she's great she's also very aligned in this right you know she's she's aligned consious parenting is powerful huge and parents are like these kids are blah blah blah versus oh I've got work to do unresolved his how many parents do you think in America repeat the patterns of their parents unconscious and have not done the work to create new tools to parent from a conscious way well most of us really I'm sorry most of us I did it I'm it was it drove me crazy to be a trauma expert like I teach this for a living people pay me money and I still did it w and it's not it's because awareness does nothing for change really awareness does nothing for change it's not like that not when it's trauma not when it's trauma because it comes up inside of you and it's it takes you over right I'm like like I I do know better I had so much self-loathing every time I lost it with my kids after like later that night you're like what am I doing and yeah that's I'm out of Integrity because I'm teaching one thing but I'm doing the opposite so painful that's where I got suicidal in my life really the time that's the only times I got suicidal was when I did what was done to me was like I would rather be dead oh my gosh than perpetuate This I Swear that's that it was so painful I'm like and PE and I could help people all day long because I was my history wasn't being activated you could see it from a separate situation give the best of advice in the world yeah I know what's I'm like do appropriate for a living it's ridiculous I do and then yet I saw myself doing it it was crazy when did you start to shift emotionally it sounds like the body was keeping the score for you when you had children and for those years and you would do things that were out of Integrity with what you wanted your highest self to do that's right and then you would beat yourself up and self Ling and shame and guilt and resentment all these emotions that don't serve yourself and becoming better so what was the process as a Harvard trained psychiatrist and a trauma therapist for 20 30 years what was the process for you to get out of depression suicidal thoughts and overwhelm to be more of peace and Harmony when kids would act out I just so I was like I was like you're on rinse and repeat Frank like you just you're on rinse and repeat how many years of the like I just did a keynote recently at the networker I'm like I'm wondering if therapy is the way to go like I've been in for 33 years like maybe it's not the right way but it's more about like this where you get into resilience I have been trying I will never stop trying I think we're here on this Earth in human form to have difficult experiences people have like to hear that sorry sorry I think we're not only here to have difficult exp loving fun experiences too yeah yeah but I think from a soul level we're here to grow and evolve and if you you I like the three I have my three hours you repeat it you repress it or you repair it okay so I've been one of these people I don't know why one of these people who's constantly trying to repair constantly trying to repair right you and this is what we do with every moment we have a choice we repress it most of us repress our trauma we repeat it over and over again or we repair it take advantage of those opportunities right and I'm a I'm I know now I know I never knew I was smart because I was criticized a lot I'm a smart person I know that and I still did it because my history was in me and now I don't like I am so my kids are 16 and 20 and my son my oldest can yell and scream at me like any 20-year-old can and I don't react anymore I don't how did you learn how to not react but also not get take you know getting you know letting a boundary cross over where someone you can't talk to me that way I'm gonna walk out of this room right now that is really not okay I'm not going to tolerate this and I'm not going to engage with you when you're like this I couldn't do that before how did you learn to not let it boil inside of you and think this ungrateful child who I've given my life to I didn't learn it I healed it that's what I did I tried to learn it I tried to learn it so there's a difference between analytical understanding versus physical wisdom that's right when the physical wisdom is releasing the trauma the physical wisdom I don't have to try hard anymore it's not in me the trauma is not in me I used to have this crazy startle my kids we have a trampoline in the backyard one would jump on me from behind and I'd freak out because of my startle when I was like a trigger like if someone was a reac yeah it was like like this and and I would say to them like hey remember Papa said he was hurt when he was younger that's why he reacts this way like I didn't want them to take responsibility for my reaction but I still had it but you didn't own it and release it couldn't I didn't at that point I didn't release it you know now I don't hold startle so much anymore cuz I it was physical it was a physical abuse I worked on early on and I released it and now I I don't hold the startle it's funny we watched stranger things with my youngest son he loves stranger things it's such a trauma talk about trauma dark it'sa traumatizing and my husband's jumping like a Mexican jumping me and I wasn't I'm like I'm not I don't have jump scares anymore like I used to because I released them wow so so it's like when you release it you don't get activated by it anymore wow