Mom 101: Why you feel like you’re failing at everything.

Hello, darlings. Welcome back. It's so good to see you. Someone recently told me that I look fat in my YouTube videos. Rude. You remember in the, would it be the early 2000s or the 90s when they said P-H-A-T, like pretty hot and tempting. So I'm going to receive that. And also you're not fat. You're beautiful. I take great pleasure in knowing that my audience is the most beautiful audience in the whole internet. And I think we should take a moment of silence for that. A lot of people that I know that are good looking are boring. It's great for people that are good looking and I'm happy for them. And it doesn't really help people in the end, you know, it's a shallow thing unless you're sleeping with that person and then it's kind of fun. I'm happy you're here. I'm filming you a little video. It's sort of a follow-up from last week's video, but last week's video was long. So if you want to sit down and listen to it, sort of like a podcast or you don't have to sit, you can just turn it on. We're going to talk about that feeling, you know, when you lay down at night. And you feel like you're failing at everything. I'm very familiar with this feeling. I'm a mom of three kids. I run Very Good Mothers Club. If you're new, I have an online community of amazing moms. And we meet every Tuesday via Zoom for coaching and community. And I would absolutely love to see you there. Truly, if you're a mom who needs more support, please join us. The first call is free. We do it twice on Tuesdays. There's an early call and then like a midday call, which is actually nighttime in Europe. So we got the Europeans who join us. I would love for you to come and make friends and get support and feel more grounded in your week. But. As a mom, as a business owner, as a coach, as a wife, as a friend, as a sister and a daughter, I have so many roles that I feel like I'm failing at that, that I'll lay down at night and just feel like, wow, what in the world I did so much, but I really didn't do any of it well. And I don't feel great about myself. And I know that this is a common feeling because I hear it from you guys too. I know that you beat yourself up because you weren't the wife you wanted to be. And your body doesn't look the way you wanted it to look. And you didn't exercise or you ate more than you wanted to. or you aren't doing great at work or you wish you were making more money or you should go back to school or whatever it is, you can fill in the blank because you all have something that you're beating yourself up over. And I specifically want to talk about it right now because it's November, which means you are also being assigned the role of magic maker in your house Probably, right? Like you are the one who is bearing the responsibility of making the happy memories and maybe tending to the special meals or the decorations or the holiday plans or who's going where, like whatever it is, oftentimes it is the mother who is carrying the weight of the holidays. And I love the holidays. They're so fun. But definitely as my kids were younger, I Felt like I would go into Christmas time with this sense that I might. fail it, that I might ruin it, that I might not do it well enough that I'll get to the other side of it and be like, Oh my gosh, all these other moms did this amazing, magical wonderland of decor and meals and activities. And I didn't do what I should have done and how sad. And you only get this many Christmases and you only have this much time with your kids and blah, blah, blah, All of the fears like lumping into one. stone in my tummy, feeling like this heavy weight of, I'm not good enough. I blew it. What the heck? So I want to talk to you about this. I'm going to do it briefly, and I'm going to leave you with three questions to ask yourself. You could journal them. You could do a voice note to yourself in your phone. You could use AI to process with this if you want, or you could hire a coach if you want to process this with a human being. But I want you to leave with some practical tools for how to manage the pressure that you're feeling. What I would like to argue is not that you should be doing more better. I wonder if, in fact, we could help you do less and we could lower your expectations of yourself. That's what I see so often. I was in a coaching call with a mom. I mean, there was a group of moms, but there's this one particular mom. And she had a toddler and a baby, and she is a very ambitious woman, and she does a whole lot for her family, and she has a great husband. And she said to us, you know, I used to be a patient person, but now that I have kids, I'm really not a patient person anymore. Turns out I'm not patient. And what I wanted to scream is, my girl, it's not that you're not patient. You are so patient. It's that life got so much more intense now that you have a baby and a toddler and you're not sleeping through the night and people get sick all the time. And the number of demands that you now have on your life have increased so dramatically. It is just not a fair or accurate assessment of yourself to say. I am not a patient person anymore now that I have kids. No freaking way. I think you, my friend, my audience, my viewer, these moms that I work with, you are particularly hard on yourself and you're very quick to frame something as a personal failure. And the thing is you would never do that for another woman. That's actually why I love the group coaching setting versus the one-on-one group coaching is really fun because when one person shares, you can see the eyeballs of the other people in the group. And so someone might be like, yeah, I'm just feeling really down on myself because I didn't whatever. And then you see all the moms kind of be like, wait, what? Honey, you don't have to feel bad about that. Like that's so human. That's so normal. Or if you feel bad about that here, I'm going to help you feel better because I have a crazier story than what you're going through. There's this sense of like camaraderie and togetherness. And for you, I know that you are a very good friend. Even if you met a woman in the grocery store and she came to you and she was beating herself up because she's carrying so much and she feels like she's doing bad at it. I know you would be quick to offer her encouragement. perspective. You would remind her that she doesn't have to do it all, all at once. You would probably tell her like, Hey, yeah, when you have a little baby, um, you're, you're not going to have much energy for anything. So maybe see what you can set down. I know that you know that, but then when it comes to yourself, you put immense pressure on yourself to do everything perfectly and get everything right. And it really frustrates you that you can't. And I also know that you're an ambitious person. I noticed that people who are ambitious and they set about to do things well, they watch YouTube videos. The people who don't care, we're not watching videos. Guess what? I didn't watch a video and that's why I struggled so much. I should have. I wish I did. You are smarter than me, okay? You are the type of person who wants to do a thing right, and you want to thrive and excel, and maybe you were an overachiever when you were younger, and you want to continue in that way, and motherhood is really throwing a wrench in this whole situation because there's a lot you can't control, and you are more tired, and more spread thin, and more triggered, and probably things are coming up in you that you didn't expect about your own childhood, or your own marriage, or your own whatever. And it's all normal, but it is very confusing and it is hard to feel like you're doing a good job, especially because we have social media and we're comparing ourselves to the beautiful women of the internet who look amazing and have amazing houses and appear to have everything all together all at once. And we look at our own reality and go, oh my gosh, I am so far from being that girl. What's wrong with me? Before we determine that we are the problem and that there's a lot more we need to do and we just need to be better at it and try harder and work harder and be better and do better and do better. Perhaps we could just assess where the pressure is coming from, okay? So I've already mentioned social media. There's comparison. This could be from real people you know. Maybe you've got like a super type A organized friend who seems to have all the money in the world and all the time in the world and all the resources, and she has the kid that sleeps through the night and doesn't cry that much and eats broccoli. Okay, you're comparing your experience to her, and you're feeling like somehow you're blowing it. comparison is a real thing and it's a real doozy, but also be comparing your life to the ideal version of motherhood that you had for yourself. I know like I imagined myself as a mom who would be like really light and fun and organized, but I wouldn't look like I was trying to be organized. And you would almost not know I'm a mom because I'd have such a full life outside of motherhood. And then voila, surprise. She also has kids. Oh my gosh, that's so amazing. And then I got to I don't think I can do this. And the whole reason why I have this YouTube channel is because I'm like, if I can be a mom, anybody can be a mom. Because I have done so many things wrong, you guys. And still, my kids are lovely, hilarious, wonderful people. And if I can pull that off, sweetie pie, you can definitely do it. So. The kind of making sense with the idealized version of motherhood that we had inside of ourselves and then being able to let some of that go and be like, yeah, life is harder and more confusing and more complicated than we thought it was going to be. And the kid's cry is more alarming and shocking and jarring to our system than we expected. There's just so much we can't control. Also, we have guilt prioritizing ourselves, which Is really a bother because we are not feeling guilty about prioritizing other people. In fact, we feel the sense of obligation. Like I owe it to the people in my life to always be available to them and to meet their needs and to spoil them and love them well. Poof! Excuse me, to be whatever anyone needs and wants and be constantly available to them. But then when it comes to being available to ourselves, to maybe spoiling ourselves or taking time away from the family to do something that is just nourishing to me, we feel guilty about it. And so we've got the guilt and we've got the comparison and we've got the pressure. and the idealized version of motherhood inside of us. And also we might literally be surrounded by unkind people. There might actually be somebody in your life that's telling you you're not doing a great job or you should do better, or perhaps you grew up with someone speaking that way over you. And now you're out on your own and you're doing life yourself, but you still have this voice in your head that's telling you you're not good enough. You're not smart enough. You're not funny enough. You're not anything enough for this role. And so you kind of find yourself trying to prove that you're important, that you're valuable. I will prove that I'm lovable. I will prove that I'm successful. If I am amazing, if I'm an amazing mom and I look amazing and I'm great at work and I make money and I've got an awesome marriage and I'm a hottie with a And so is my spouse. Then I will prove to everyone that I am enough when the reality is all of that external validation isn't going to do it for us anyway. And we know that because you've already done amazing things. And even still, you don't always feel at peace with yourself, but there is this battle inside of you to prove that you something for some of you, not all of you struggle. But, um... But some people do. It's exhausting. It's so exhausting. We're exhausted already because being a mom is actually tiring and kids don't sleep and people get sick and there's a lot on your plate. But it's also emotionally exhausting to feel like in order to be a good mom, you must be available to everyone and you must perform and you must perform at a very high level. to every single person who needs you. That's a lot. I want to give you three questions to ask yourself to shift your perspective right now and help you get free from this yucky feeling of failure. What am I expecting of myself that I would not expect of another mom that I love? Because like I said, in the beginning, you're a good friend, you're a good sister, you're a good woman, you're a good person. You don't expect everyone to hold to the standard that you have for yourself. So maybe you could journal about this. What are some things that you are holding yourself to that if a friend came and said they are feeling bad about that, you would Encourage them to let it go. Second one is what really matters to you in this season of your life? And I would encourage you to say like the next two months. It's really nice if you can break it into little chunks where you know where there's like a finish line. So it could be from now to the end of this year. What really matters to you? I know everything feels like it matters, but I want to tell you it doesn't. Certain things are going to matter more. So I want you to identify. What truly, truly matters. So it might be some family time is going to matter. The health of my children matters. I've got some priorities at work, maybe some deadlines that have to be completed by a certain time that matters. Or maybe I have one friend who's going through something in particular and it really matters to me that I show up for them. We're trying to set priorities so that when Everything feels important and everything feels loud and everybody's calling your name. You can understand for yourself, where can I set something down? Which brings me to my next question. What can I stop? What can I delegate? And what can I be okay with? Lowering my standard for, for example, last year, December, I found out we were going to have to move. I also found out the house we were renting was going to be renovated and it was being renovated right at Christmas time. And we were surprised with this information and I was about to decorate for Christmas. We were also going to be traveling. There was stuff going on at the kids' school. People were sick. There was so much going on, and I felt this pressure like, but I have to decorate for Christmas because if I don't decorate for Christmas, I only get 18 Christmases with them, and I'm going to miss it, and they're going to be sad if there's not going to be a tree and whatever, whatever. Upon further reflection and just... Truly analyzing my home life and realizing that if everything was in disarray, I would feel insane having a Christmas tree up in the middle of a pile of stuff. I decided I would not be decorating for Christmas last December. I didn't, I didn't pull out any Christmas decorations. We did not decorate at all. Now we did go to Michigan like for Christmas, you know, the actual moment of Christmas. So my kids got Christmas decor at Sean's family's house, but it was a decision to let something go. It was actually hard though, because I follow moms online who are amazing magic makers and they've got their house looking like, I don't know, Hobby Lobby in the Christmas section. And my house had no Christmas stuff in it. It didn't. It was the right decision. I felt really good about it. And this year I'm very excited to decorate my house for Christmas. It's going to be great. What's another one? Um, oh yeah. When, when my first baby was a baby, I mean, it was Christmas time. We were trying to figure out what we were going to do. We had to make travel plans. We had to get gifts for family members. There was like a lot going on. And I remember it came down to what in the world are we going to get Eloise? Like I'm a mom now. This is my first time being a mom at Christmas and I'm supposed to get her something so special. And I was feeling so stressed and I didn't need to be feeling stressed, but there were a lot of postpartum feelings. Anyway, I came to the realization that my child was going to get wonderful gifts from extended family and loved ones and friends, and so I decided instead of getting her a gift, I took a plastic bottle, I put some beans in it, like dry beans, and I taped it shut, and that's what we gave our baby for Christmas, and I made it in two seconds, and it wasn't even cute, wasn't aesthetic at all. I didn't make it for the internet. I Made it for myself. And do you know that she actually loved it? don't And also I didn't have to think about it. And then she got wonderful gifts, but she played with that little thingy bottle a lot. And it was, um, a lazy decision. And guess what? It was the perfect decision. It was the right one for me. know. So a practical one is some of you feel like you have to text everyone back right away. You feel like some of you are stressed. I know because we've had coaching calls and you're like, I am so stressed because people are texting me and I can't get back to them immediately. I want to just give you permission. Don't get back to them immediately. try and figure out what is most important. Who is most important? What are the actual needs? You could even break it down week by week. What do I need to prioritize this week? And in doing so allow yourself to say like, my house doesn't need to be perfect this week. The meals can be easy this week. The bedtime routine can be more simple or I don't know, whatever it is that you are making more difficult because you feel like you have to. A good example, last week it was Halloween time. My sister was making a costume for one of her kids and it was really stressful. And at some point I was like, Hey, are you making it the harder way? And the answer was, yeah, there was an easier way to do it, but she felt like she had to, because like to be a good mom, I have to sew instead of hot gluing. Anyway, it was a whole thing of like, let's just find the path of resistance. We're still great parents. We're just trying to do it more simple if we don't have the capacity for more complicated. Sometimes in your life, you have capacity for more complicated. Some of you even feel filled up. by the more complicated idea and that's beautiful, but I want you to be honest with yourself and not be doing the harder thing because somebody over there is doing the harder thing and you're trying to compare yourself and compete with them and it's not filling you up. It's making you miserable. Okay. I think you're amazing. I think that you are such a good mom. I'm really speaking not as just somebody saying fluffy stuff on the internet, but because I have this honor of getting to know so many of you in person. If you're a mom who needs support and you're looking for friendship and connection and coaching, please join Very Good Mothers Club. It's so fun. It's changed my life. I know, I know I'm the one leading it and I'm like, please come. But honestly, it's changed my life. I'm a much better human being. person, friend, mother, because of the women in this community. And I would love for you to be a part of it. So join first call us free. Thank you so much for being here. If you like my videos, will you leave me a comment? If there's something you want me to make a video about, will you leave me a comment? It really helps me to know who my audience is and what you are looking for. You could even tell me your kids ages, because if I find out your kids are like, I don't know, all in elementary school or something, then we can make content. That's a little bit more geared towards that. But if you are raising little tiny pups, then I'll talk about that. Okay. You're doing so good and I will see you soon. Thanks so much. Bye.