Be a more chill mom. (about germs, life, and other stressful things)

Hi guys, welcome to my 10 minute masterclass on how to be a more chill mom. Just kidding. But we are gonna have a great conversation for roughly 10 minutes, because that's all I have. And I'm gonna chew my iced coffee while I hang out with you. I added chocolate protein powder, and it's a real chunky treat we're having here. But we are gonna talk about anxiety and stress in parenting. And this came out of an Instagram post, an Instagram story that I did yesterday where I shared some photos of myself postpartum after my second baby was born. Because I had two thirds of my kids pre the pandemic. So Wilson was born, and then the world shut down seven-ish months later. And then Jules, my sorpresa baby, she arrived later that year. So I know what it's like to have a baby pre-pandemic. I had two of them. Know what it's like to have a baby during the pandemic. And then I coach moms professionally, and I lead a community of online moms. I lead an online community of moms. I had a shop here in LA where I was hosting moms every single week with their babies and their toddlers. And all of those moms had kids post-pandemic. And I have come to believe that anxiety and stress are contagious. And that they're potentially as harmful or more harmful than our kids catching a cold. And so I know I'm not alone in this. I got some really delicious DMs from moms who were vulnerable and wonderful, and were sharing their stories and their experiences. One mom specifically said that she had her babies in 2020 and 2021. So like the thick of the pandemic. And looking back, she wishes she weren't so hypervigilant. She wonders what their childhood would be like if she wasn't so afraid. And what I don't wanna do is make anybody feel bad. I hate it when people are like, stress is so bad for you. And then I'm like, but now I'm stressed because of stress. I don't want you to feel bad about how you're parenting. I don't wanna feel bad about how I'm parenting. But I do want us to be intentional when it comes to anxiety because I think not only is it not great for our kids to have anxious parents, it also just really sucks to be stressed all the time and to be anxious and to view the world around us like a constant threat. And so I wanna talk together about why we feel so un-chill in this stage of our life, but then also how do we be more relaxed? And one of the main comments that people give me and Sean in my personal life, in my real life, real friends who know us is they'll say, wow, you guys are such chill parents. And I don't think much of it because I think a lot has to do with personality. A lot is temperament. A lot is the fact that this guy, here Sean's the one up there, he's a skateboarder and they eat out of the trash. We've slept on a lot of floors. We, when I was pregnant with Eloise, spent part of that pregnancy living in an apartment with like 15 skateboarders, all of them around 20 years old, not clean. I remember one of them yelling from the bathroom to the other guys, guys, clean up your pubes. Jessica's pregnant. So part of why we're chill might just be because we're gross and we are not as classy as you beautiful people. And I just don't think it does much to be like, why aren't I like her? Because good thing you're not. Part of why I have this channel is to be like, if I can do motherhood, anyone can do motherhood. So we'll start there. The other thing though, is that I think we could do better, myself included, at cultivating some chill, at nourishing the chill in our lives. Because some of it is just, we are very afraid and we haven't identified exactly which fears are necessary and which ones are just noise. And I wanna talk to us today about why this is happening to us, what we do about it, and why it's important to not try to be like anybody else. I said earlier that I think anxiety is contagious. I had a suspicion around that because I noticed that when I would host a group of moms, if someone would come in with a lot of anxiety, it was like everybody in the room started catching it, almost like someone comes in with a cough and everybody's coughing. And so I saw immediately like, well, that's not great. I don't want everybody in the room to suddenly be afraid because someone came in with fear. But also, my children are school-age now and there have been a lot of moments where I've seen in kids an anxiety around germs that just truly did not exist pre-pandemic. Like there was one little girl who was sitting across from another little girl at a mealtime, the girl across the table sneezed, she wasn't sick, it was just a sneeze. And the little girl on the other side of the table started crying and threw her food away because she thought she couldn't eat it or she would get sick. The anxiety that that little girl had around a sneeze, you and I both know she didn't just have that. She wasn't born with that. That was something she learned through living in a world that is or has been as scary as ours has been. And I don't wanna minimize that for us. We really, really were living in a terrifying time where we had very little information around what was making people sick and then very dramatic news around loss. And so rightfully so, we would freak out, right? Part of having a new baby, your anxiety that you have, pandemic aside, is because you now have this mission, whether you like it or not, to keep this baby alive. And you're like a bear looking for threats, trying to perceive danger and then keep the danger away. But if we don't identify what is actually dangerous, then everything feels dangerous. And we live in a time where social media is telling us wild stories that you would never normally hear if you didn't have access to everyone's worst stories. So rewind it back like throughout history. If you were in a village or a community or a city even, you were gonna find out the worst thing that happened within that smaller group of people. Even if it was a larger group, you're still only finding out the very worst things that have happened among that people group. Now we have access to stories from the entire world. And so we're finding out that like, so-and-so got sick from this, so-and-so drowned over there, so-and-so's plane, I don't even wanna say it. I'm like, I feel too protective of you guys on the other side, like hearing all this bad news. But anyway, somebody's unalive over there and there and there and there, and your algorithm's just telling you all these stories. So suddenly, you go to, I don't know, a playground with your little one. All you see is danger. Something's, you know, a height, oh, oh, that's so scary, that's very tall. A kid, oh, that's so scary, that's a thing full of germs. A dad, oh, that's so scary, he could have a weapon. Like, everything is terrifying because all day long, we've heard the worst of everything. And so no wonder we're freaking out, right? And then on top of it, postpartum, like just in general, you have anxiety. You have these hormones rushing through you, you are healing from labor. Some of you had traumatic labors and you're underslept. It's like adding an exclamation point to every emotion that you have. It's all loud. The anxiety makes sense. And not everything in life is actually as dangerous as the world might have us believe. Some of you know that in my old house, the fire alarms would malfunction a lot. I feel like I talked about this on the internet before. And not only did they malfunction a lot, but we had way too many smoke detectors. The people who built the house, they were really rude. They thought they were protecting us by adding additional smoke detectors everywhere. But actually they were torturing us because when one would go off, it was the worst. Like my children have trauma around the sound of a fire alarm. So loud, so awful. And what I was thinking about for those of you who have young children is for someone on the internet to come at you and be like, why don't you be more chill? That would be like someone coming to me while all of the fire alarms are sounding off at the same time. And inside my heart is going nuts, even though I know there's no fire. But the noise alone is so loud on my nervous system. And then someone goes, Jessica, be more chill. Don't you know, there's not actually a fire, just be more chill. No, it doesn't work that way. In order for me to be more chill, I need to quiet the noise somehow. And so what I want you to know is that you're allowed to quiet the noise. If your algorithm is making you more anxious, we gotta shut that thing off. Or if you have a particular friend and every time you talk to them, or a particular parent and every time you talk to them, they are telling you bad news, bad stories. Sorry, I can't hear this right now. My body, it just, it can't take that much. So how about we do good news from here forward? I have friends who actually put in headphones while they're parenting, not to make it so they can't hear anyone, but to quiet the sensory input they're getting because it is too anxiety provoking. So first thing is quiet the noise. Second thing is understanding that you're learning. Have you ever learned to drive stick shift? I learned to drive stick shift when I was 16 years old and I was so afraid. I, my mom said I should do it. She was smart, she was right. But she was like, you need to know how to drive a stick shift car because what if you get stuck at someone's house or people have been drinking and you have no way to leave other than somebody's stick shift car, which you know, this ended up happening to me. So I learned how to drive stick and great, mom was right. However, the process of learning how to drive stick, oh my gosh, that was not easy for me. And we lived where there were lots of hills. We grew up in Colorado, there's mountains. And that feeling of being on a hill and being like, is my car gonna roll back into the person behind me? Oh my gosh. Now imagine if somebody sitting in the passenger seat was like, Jessica, be more chill while you learn how to drive stick. No, I'm learning. That is not the time when chill is going to happen to us. When you are learning something new, naturally, you're more aware of all of the risks involved and how do I do this and what if I get it wrong? And in the example of driving stick shift, if I get this wrong, I crash into the car behind me. And in the stage of life where we're raising young kids, we feel the sense of, if I get this wrong, this person who has somehow become the most important person to me that I've ever, ever, ever met, and I've only known them like six months, if something happens to them because I'm not vigilant, I will never forgive myself. So that isn't the time when you would also be able to calm down. It feels impossible. The way you start calming down, I'm gonna keep going with my stick shift analogy, is get more experience, get more comfortable, ride in the car with people who know what it's like to learn and are able to be patient with you and remind you the steps. Oh, yep, doing great. Now you're gonna do this. Okay, that was perfect. Now you're gonna do this. Oh, don't worry about it. I know the fear here, but we're actually gonna do this. So the same thing applies when we have young kids. Of course, we're not gonna be super relaxed. We're learning. Everything is brand new. Even if it's our fourth kid, we've never done that many children before. We've never done this particular child before. It's new. So what we wanna do is, as much as possible, get around people who can quiet the fear in us and reassure us and help remind us of where we're going, what we're doing. Have you guys ever seen Ted Lasso? I'm gonna swear. I don't even usually swear ever, but I do in my head because of Ted Lasso. So there's a character, Roy Kent, who I love. Ted Lasso's such a good show. There's a lot of profanity, if you don't like profanity, but I feel like they do it perfectly. Okay, Roy Kent, he is in my head. When people stress me out, when they make me really scared, when I feel like they come at me and make me feel worse about myself, I have him in my head, and I wanna give him to you now so that you can have him in your head as a protector of your thoughts. He says this to those people. He says, **** off, and it helps me so much. When I'm surrounded by the reassuring people, those people get to come close. They get to help me out. We get to do this life together, and that even includes online voices that make me feel more empowered, better about my parenting, better about my relationships. If I encounter an online voice who is coming at me with a lot of fear or a lot of like, if you do this wrong, your child will end up with blah, blah, blah. I'm like, no, no, no, I can't with the fear. Tell me something reassuring. Tell me something kind. Tell me something positive. Otherwise, I'm gonna Roy-cant you. No, **** off, **** you, no, no. I can find the people that make me feel safe and more chill, honestly. That's how I end up being more relaxed is other people help me. One thing I'll say because we gotta wrap this up. I want you to understand that you're finding your own brand of relaxed, right? Because some people have a temperament, like my husband, he can be so cool, calm, and collected during chaos. It's frustrating. You want him to care more, so it's great. It's actually like probably how we survive. But some people are just naturally like that. Some of you are more, I don't know, type A. Your strength is that you're able to look ahead and figure out where risk might be and how to mitigate it, and it's probably made you really good in a lot of different roles, but it can also make you feel really frustrated as parents because it causes you to be stressed. It causes you to not trust other people with your kids, even your spouse, even your parents, even your siblings, because you know how to do it and you fear that they don't know how to do this. I'll add this. Something that I think about is that I want my kids, I view them sort of like a canvas, and I want them to be painted by a lot of other people other than me, not everyone. I Roy Kent certain people, as I've said, but I want my children, the beautiful, precious works of art that they are, to be painted by their dad, their loved ones, certain friends who feel like family. I want them to carry wonderful qualities from other people. So in order for that to take place, I have to be okay with the type of food somebody might feed them or the amount of sugar grandma might give them because that is part of the joy of being with them. Does that make sense? That can be another video. If you wanna talk more about that, we will. I want you to find your own version of relaxed because it's going to pull to your strengths and it's not gonna look the same as everyone. If you try to act like someone else, it's just not gonna fit you, it's not gonna feel right, and you're not gonna be your best. And so that is kind of the struggle. Like in my last point, I'm like, invite people in, you know, have friends, have family, but at the same time, the temptation there is some comparison to be like, well, I do things a little differently than them. You're allowed to, I want you to. There's a story in the Bible, we know the story of David and Goliath. Everybody knows the story of David and Goliath. Well, before David goes to fight Goliath with his slingshot and the rocks, he puts on King Saul's armor because that's what King Saul uses for battle and he's the best guy. And so David's like, okay, cool, yeah, I'll try and put on your armor and maybe I can go fight this battle wearing what you wear. And ultimately it didn't fit him right and it felt clunky and it felt wrong and it didn't work. And so he took it off and he went and fought the battle using what he knows because he was used to fighting off big animals and he would use a rock and a slingshot. And so he fought the battle according to what was his own style. And I think for you and I, we have very unique strengths. We have very unique temperaments. We have unique stories. And the battles that we are gonna face in life will be best fought being ourselves. If we go out into the world and we try to be somebody else, it's not gonna work. And even if it does work, it's not gonna feel right. It's gonna feel off. And so you wanna learn from other people but then come back to yourself and be like, okay, well, what's my version of this? What feels right for me? And what I think because I am actually not chill in my parenting around certain topics is you figure out what are the things you really do care a lot about. So if you have someone in the house who has, what's the word? Someone who has cancer or something and you need to be really careful about germs for their sake, then you're going to be very unchill about germs. Perfect, beautiful. I am particularly unchill about car safety. I am so aware that my children could get hit by cars because of where we live and because of a couple of personalities of my children that just like run and don't look where they're going that I have multiple times screamed at the top of my lungs at my child who has run into the street. I one time screamed so loud that I made cars stop, my child stop, run back and she burst into tears and I burst into tears and cars rolled down their window. That was not chill. There was nothing remotely chill about that moment. And yet I feel completely fine, right? Because the danger was real. That's what we're doing. We're assessing what's the real danger here. And then we use our anxiety, our stress on that. I also am terribly unchill around heights. I have such fear of heights. Like public speaking, happy to do it. Heights, not a chance. And so I really suck at taking my kids to playgrounds and having them go to the very top of things. Or like the other day, Wilson was climbing a tree and I sounded like I was bipolar. I'm like, good job, honey. You're so brave. He had climbed the tree before. You're amazing. You're incredible. Could you please come down? I don't think I can handle this. And then Eloise is cracking up like, mom, come on. Just let him climb the tree. And I'm like, I think I'm terrible at this. I don't think I'm the one for the job. Eventually I actually went and got Sean because he's, you know, skates, jumps off tall things. He can handle it. I am not chill about heights and I don't know that I'm capable of it. So I just tap out of those and I bring the tall guy in who's good at that stuff. So I think you're figuring out what is it, the same water safety, not chill. No, I'm not. I'm not learning how to skateboard. Just put a helmet on him, please. But yeah, teach the kids to skate. They're going to fall down perfect. I would love to see it. I would love for them to learn how to fall down and learn to get back up. Wilson's broken a couple of bones. I wasn't very chill about that, but I pretended. We tried. You're trying to figure out what are the real threats. How do you maintain an appropriate level of anxiety around that? But then recognize that treating people like they are threats to your safety, to your comfort, to your harmony, and distancing yourself or treating everybody like a potential sickness, that has negative effects on your life, just like catching a cold or getting strep throat. I want us all to be safe. I want us all to avoid sickness. That would be wonderful. But at the same time, you and I have been sick. We have grown up and we've had immune systems that have gotten over things and we are trying to be resilient, beautiful people. Okay, I've doubled up on the time that I meant to spend on this video. I'm gonna stop. I like you so much. I think you're an amazing mother. I think the type of mom who comes on the internet and looks for content to help her improve who she is in her personal life, unbelievable. You are doing so good. I have no doubt. If you need more support, I have multiple ways to support. You can join Very Good Mother's Club, our online community. You could apply for one-on-one coaching. You can join our upcoming coaching cohort that we have for a small number of women. I'll have all the links below, but otherwise just stay tuned. I'll post more videos. You can let me know what you wanna see and thank you so much for being here. Okay, bye.