A Mom Chat: Lindsay Clancy, My Medication Story, and Your Questions

Welcome make yourself at home. You're probably already home or I shouldn't make assumptions. I don't know where you are, but I hope you feel Comfortable right where you are. This is our weekly meeting. Guess what? This is the second time I've done it But we are gonna be on a roll. I see us. This is me looking to the future I see us doing this every single week I hope maybe you should if you're here Will you write in the comments that you like this if you like this because that'll help me really feel like this means something But the way I see this going is that every week we gather right here The moms the mums the mothers the mummies even the mamas are welcome The internet mama can come and we can talk about the real things of life. Yes. We have motherhood in common No, all of the videos won't be about motherhood per se, but we will talk about our life as moms in regards to like our careers or our bodies or our relationships or Whatever you want really the way I'm doing this is you get to send me messages and tell me what's going on in your life And I will answer your questions I'll keep it private so you can tell me all the crazy stuff going on in your life and nobody has to know it's From you, but I promise if you're going through it Someone else is going through it to some of the stuff you write me You're like you'll never believe what we're going through and I just have to tell you It's not that crazy. So many people are going through crazy stuff and they think they're alone So at the end of this video, I will respond to like two or three DMS that were sent to me I do feel like we should talk about Lindsay Clancy today, but I won't jump right into that every week We'll just talk about what's going on. I will encourage you I will lift your spirits if you're feeling heavy living or down from it Fear not because you will leave feeling a little lighter a little more clear-headed. Okay, that's my commitment to you Oh, I coach moms for a living. So if you need one-on-one support, you can email me I'll put my email down below and we can set up a time to talk if You want to join very good Mother's Club best women ever. These women are joining us every Tuesday Tuesday every Tuesday via zoom 9 a.m. This month. We've been doing it 9 a.m. I think the website says 8 a.m. But guess what? I don't know how to change it. So 9 a.m California time or noon California time, which is In the evening in Europe and we have really great European moms Anyway, you should join you'll feel seen you'll feel normal. You'll feel encouraged you it'll change your life That's I mean that I've seen it over and over I've changed people's lives and it changes my life every single week That's why I keep doing it Okay, I didn't wear a bra for you because guess what my bras not clean This is probably just a reminder that I need to learn how to upload this audio Via podcast and not via YouTube and then you wouldn't even need to know whether or not I was wearing any sort of structured support for my girls. Anyway, my transition I Think today we should talk about Lindsay Clancy. I'm Not an authority on the Lindsay Clancy trial by any means I say that because some of you are super invested You've watched the whole trial. You're really passionate about this. I am not able to watch the trial I've watched bits and pieces of it. I Feel things too deeply, right? So just in general I'm the type of person who I read a book and I skip to the end when I'm in the middle and my heart's racing And I'm like, what's gonna happen? I read the end and then I come back to the middle same with movies I'll be in the theater and I will Google the end of the movie and then feel a lot better and then come back to The middle and then I can just really be on this ride The thing about this story I remember when it happened seeing the news and just feeling so sick and sad and teary eyes and like How yeah so many questions so much Sadness for this family grief all of it, right every everything you feel I feel I just think that the way I'm wired if I watch the whole trial I probably wouldn't sleep at night and I would probably cry throughout my day and I wouldn't be able to do stuff like this because I would be too distracted with that whole story. So I've limited my access to it, but I have been following it and What I can tell you is oh and they just said it's a mistrial which meant now I'm googling what the heck is a mistrial And what do you do with that? so I've been learning quite quite a lot, but imagine being the one jury member who didn't agree like What I am an authority in is Maternal mental health right the mental health of moms and I say I'm a store an authority because I've been working with moms Every single week for the last five to seven years I've been making videos right here for growing families for seven years seven more than seven years and coaching moms directly for five every week the hundreds of mom I mean how many coaching sessions you think I guess I could do the math and I'm not so much a math girl my point is I am very very familiar with the personal struggles of women from Conception to childbirth through toddler hood and now some of the moms that I work with have kids in elementary school middle school I know firsthand The experience of many many many mothers in the States in Canada and in Europe. I can say that I Also have been the person who has had to call 9-1-1 on a mother who tried to take her own life She was in a different state. I knew she was home alone I knew what she was doing the police had to come I was the one who made that call. I have also Been hospitalized for my own desire to take my life I have been in appointments telling people that I don't know what's wrong with me. And how do I fix this? I I Know this pain so closely. I also have walked with moms through loss through through grief through trauma through tragedy and so When I have been watching this story, though There are so many missing pieces and stuff we can get stuff on the part that stands out to me Is that this woman sought help over and over and over again? She tried to get help. She was telling people how she was doing and the piece of it that's familiar to me is When I was hospitalized for I had gotten so depressed I had a plan for how I wanted to take my life and I told a family member and so I went to a mental health facility for 10 days and was in this outpatient program and Probably on like the second day there I met with a doctor for all of like three minutes five minutes, maybe but I'm not exaggerating It was the world's shortest appointment He's like at a computer. He asked me a few questions. Okay, you're depressed Has anyone else in your family experienced what you're describing? Yes in my family There's there's bipolar a grandparent committed suicide. My uncle committed suicide and there's alcoholism in the family So I'm telling this person that he's at a screen typing like barely making eye contact with me and then he concludes Okay. Yeah, it sounds like you have bipolar We're gonna prescribe you this medication and you're gonna be on it for life and your daughter is very likely going to have it So you should prepare for a life to you know, guide her through that as well. And then the appointment was over That was it. I was sent back to group therapy and to continue on with this 10-day program Remember that night crying myself to sleep I could hear Sean and the family downstairs talking about what this was gonna mean for our life Could we return to Spain where we were living? Like what would this mean? Could I work again? Could I parent? What was this gonna mean for everything? And what was this gonna mean for Eloise? All of that happened because of this three to five minute appointment if it may be my memories wrong The main point was that this person knew so little about me and Prescribed me this dose of medication and said I was gonna be on it for life. Okay, I then Maybe like a month later ended up back in Spain. That's where we were living I go to my first appointment with the psychiatrist in Spain She sits down with me just sits with me like we're on a couch we're not she's not behind a desk and then she has a notepad and paper and she looks me in my Eyeballs and she starts asking me questions And then as I answer she asked me more questions and she's writing down notes And as I answer she's asking me more questions and it's like she's not only asking me questions She's listening to my answers and then asking me a follow-up to that answer essentially building out this tree of understanding of me on paper in front of me and Then as she moves through this process, I think it was like an hour. I it was a long time It was so long that I felt uncomfortable. Like am I allowed to be taking this much of your time? This is crazy She then is like hey, I don't know if that doctor was right about the bipolar thing Like I see that, you know, what's in your family? So I see why they might think it could be that and I guess I'm not ruling that out But it seems like you're on a very high dose of this medication. That's not actually good for your body and could cause Long-term issues to your liver. What if we switch you to another medication? that's more mild and we lower the dose to the lowest possible dose that you actually need and Then we make a plan to wean you off of this entirely over the course of the next I think it was seven months total that I was on the medication I could look back at everything and I've made videos about this before so you could cross-check if you really need the back but My point is it was so thorough and full of tenderness and more than that She didn't just care about the medication. She was interested in what is my plan? Like do I have a therapist now? What am I gonna be doing socially? What is what is my marriage gonna do so that we can strengthen these pain points in my life that clearly have? Led me to this place even sleep sleep was such a major one. You're not getting good sleep You are going to feel crazy I have moms in my life where they went to a psychiatrist and the first order of business before the psychiatrist diagnosed them with anything Was hey, we're gonna need you to get three nights of sleep full night So we're gonna need you to figure out someone else taking care of your baby for those nights So we can at least regulate your sleep and then figure out what's off We have a problem here because medicine is a money-making industry Doctors are spread really thin and so they're moving from person to person without taking the time to really care for the individual and I think as a society here at least in my Estimation of it. We do look at moms as if they just got a power through they just got to move like, yep You you're a woman. Oh, I know you had a kid. Okay, great So how quickly are you gonna, you know, come back to normal? Like how quickly are you gonna return to work? How quickly are you going to return to that pair of jeans that you were in before? How quickly are you gonna return to like, you know being able to handle things emotionally not being so weepy We feel this pressure. In fact, one of the moms who dm'd me I guess I could jump to this She's like, hey, I had a baby I think it's like her second or third baby and that baby is around six months old and I feel pressure from people to not be Postpartum anymore I feel pressure to like be able to handle everything and I don't really feel like I can handle everything It's a lot and I remember last year when I went to London and I was working with moms who worked for this big tech Company over and over again. The moms were talking about how when they are working They very much act like They're not thinking about their kids or their family or the fact that the preschool is texting them telling them what they need to do Or the fact that they had a miscarriage But they're not letting anybody at work know because they don't want anyone to think that they're gonna be taking time off Like there's such a pressure to put your motherhood experience in this very tidy Compartment and set it over here so that it doesn't make anyone else uncomfortable But the reality is becoming a mom Changes your whole life. It changes your body. It changes your brain. It changes your relationships. It changes your marriage It changes your career not all bad, but so much change at once Of course, it's going to have an effect on you and then you add these things like sleep deprivation I know we've talked about this here But remember when I found out that sleep deprivation was a form of torture It was in one of the books I was reading I could find it for you But they talked about how you take prisoners of war in certain countries and a form of torturing them If they have them fall asleep, and then just as they're about to get really asleep They wake them up that is torture and guess what? That is what new moms are facing another form of torture is isolation social isolation A lot of you as moms are isolated You don't even maybe realize that you're isolated because you're so busy and you might even be interacting with people a bit here and they're like Dropping off a child here So you interact with a teacher for a couple of minutes or you go to work and you're interacting with people But you don't have anyone who really sees you or really knows you so there is in fact in isolation But it's getting overlooked because you've got these little moments, right? That is not healthy on a body Psychologically that is not healthy. You're not going to be well So many other factors we We are nature. We need movement. We need nourishment We need community in the past people would find community in places that were more traditional, right? So you'd find community in your church or maybe you lived in one city for your whole life So just naturally you're bonding with the people around you and you know The people at the store know your name and your neighbors know who you are. But because of our hyper Individualistic society now it is less common for us to bond with people that we see maybe even every day We're just moving through life. So quickly the thing about early motherhood is you don't feel like yourself So often there is this sense in you once you've become a mom where you're like, oh, I really do need friends Like I do need people I feel it for sure But I also feel that I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror I for sure don't recognize her but also just socially I don't really remember how to talk to people. I don't know what to talk about I don't know how to do this. And so there's a tension in you of I want them, but I don't know how to connect with them and then There's the added fact that when you drive places with a baby or with a toddler or you're doing any sort of transition with children There is usually crying. There's somebody having to go to the bathroom. Maybe there was a blowout. Maybe somebody's crying Crying again, there's always crying. It's just nothing is easy, right? And so some of you handle that amazingly Well, you are so good with change and you manage to stay chill when moments are very until but for a lot of you That stimulation that fear that heightened anxiety is also messing with you And so you want to be able to go join a local mom group or I don't know Join anything join a gym to go anywhere be where the people are you want to go? But you feel really stressed about the process of going and that keeps you stuck. Oh There's a lot here. And so what I feel about this Lindsay Clancy moment where everyone is looking to this woman and we're feeling such big big feelings about the trial because we see Ourself in her we see Somebody who needed help and was overlooked and was I mean you might have different opinions But commonly what I'm hearing is people are feeling like that was me I felt some version of that too, though. I never got to such an extreme case. I wish people noticed me more I wish people were more responsive to how unwell I was and now we can see how bad it gets and finally people are paying attention to the experience of the new mom or the mom of multiple young children and It's it's so good. It's horrible horrific actually and To me, it's so good because I think it's a conversation that's been a long time coming and that's why this was able to happen Obviously, I don't know what has gone on in this case So you might be watching and being like no Jessica your take is totally off because you know Patrick this or whatever. That's fine my point is People need to be paying more attention to moms The transition to motherhood really is as dramatic as this case is Dramatic, right? like it is worth paying attention to the needs of the mother and the needs of the family as a whole and how can you make sure the mother and the father are safe and the kids are safe and everyone as well and We aren't doing a great job at that. And that is why I care about the work that I'm doing with moms I really do see how the power of Talking to a mom on a regular basis Coaching her through things introducing her to community so that you can be having ongoing conversation with other moms who are going through what you're going through that really does Change a life a place where you can be honest about what you feel and get support I also am a hundred percent on board with therapy medication when given with tender loving care and a Monitoring I like to be able to recognize that this medications working open This medication is making a person worse all of it has a place and and also Should I say this? I am in no way Minimizing the fact that three children lost their life because of what has happened That that is that is unthinkable unimaginable should never have happened. So I hope that that's clear. I feel like sometimes we Laser so far in on her and her experience and the fact that she if she did it She didn't know what she was doing That we missed like this is absolutely unacceptable if she did it. It's Absolutely unacceptable. There's another incident that has happened in my life, but I walked closely with a person through I Knew the woman very very well. Her husband had a psychotic episode of sorts He doesn't remember it he doesn't know why it happened but in his psychosis if that's what you say He harmed his family. He did very scary things everyone's alive, but I As someone who cares very deeply about the woman and children am like Absolutely, not even even though he didn't mean to even though he didn't remember even though he didn't cause the Psychotic episode that led him to do the things that he did Abso-freaking-lutely not never nope No, this person should be held accountable for the things he did It's tricky. It's tricky. I have a lot of empathy for people and I want I Want to believe the best in people, but I also Yeah It's tricky. Okay, I don't know I don't need to say more about that, but I do believe that mothers need more help more care I think everyone should join very good mother's club or a local mom group or a church mom group Maybe that could be good. I think moms need to be in community. I think people need each other I think if you know a mom who is or someone who is about to become a mom Absolutely encourage her to join a group of moms of some kind and to have people where they see her and they acknowledge what she's going through and they can give her tips and they can give her love and they can laugh at the Crazy stuff that happens and she can not feel alone. There is so much evidence that that will change a life and That's what I'm doing what I'm doing. What's my takeaway for you? How do we talk about this and then go? Okay, like great apply it to me now Jessica the point of being here is I need some perspective for now Okay, you my darling flower my angel buttercup sunflower you Must take care of your own self people will treat you According to how you teach them to treat you So if you act like you're fine and you just quietly wish they would notice you're not You will not get very far. They will not help you You are strong and beautiful and competent competent and capable and they are going to assume That you know what you're doing and you don't need help I want you to really practice right now Telling people how you're actually doing like oof It's a lot for me to juggle everyone or I am NOT sleeping still So I'm feeling really tired or no I'm not gonna be able to take that extra thing on because I'm I'm at capacity right now with X Y & Z or Today, we're not gonna do that thing because we're going to have a day where I lay on the couch and baby climbs on me And older children play over here and I'm gonna go to bed as soon as I'm able to go to bed I'm going to call in reinforcements of loved ones loved ones to help me with my children I am NOT going to feel guilty about the fact that I still feel Postpartum because you are and you're allowed to feel that and if you get to a point where you're like, okay Actually, I feel more capable. I feel like I can my capacity has grown I can do more than do it But don't get yourself out of alignment, right? Like if your body is asking you for something, please don't override that in the name of making other people less Uncomfortable about you. Does that make sense? Also again coming back to like we're nature Exercise can create energy. So maybe go for a walk sometime during the day or do a little dance party in your house Make sure you're eating good Do sleep when you can if you're struggling to sleep we could talk about that Maybe you could write me and we could figure out some sleep stuff little babies. They don't sleep so good So you're not alone. We're all everyone everyone with a little baby is tired and that's not to make you feel like there's no hope but just It's the stage of life. I think that is something Okay, since we're just here chat and I can say this There is something about knowing the season that you're in and having context for that season Because there's a societal pressure and maybe just like a personal pressure to move through this faster. You can forget that Having a little baby or having little children. It is slow It is sludgy like sort of going through molasses like your days bleed into your nights bleed into your days And it's not bad if you'll just accept that this is the season you're in instead of resisting so hard and being like no I'm gonna act like I'm getting a full amount of sleep and I'm at full brain power and I'm super creative and I'm super Energetic you don't have to do that. That's not very helpful It's more like you know They say like if you're swimming in the ocean like instead of resisting the waves like just sort of flow with them and you'll have A better experience you won't get smashed in the face. You'll just like drift. Does anyone say that? I feel like there's something about that, but I don't know if I painted that picture properly I do encourage you to accept the season you're in because it's Temporary and it's gonna get better and you're gonna have more energy and more joy and more Of a lot of things that you don't have right now. Let me sleep mainly Don't pretend that you're not on the other side of this I do sometimes see moms do this thing where they're like a woe is me like I can't do anything Life is so hard and terrible and I know I know there it feels like extremes, right? So to you beloved I would say yep. Uh-huh. Feel it. Just let it out. It feels really hard Okay, perfect. Now, we're gonna rein it in and we are gonna figure out what we need to do What do we need to do to make our lives easier? We need to probably FaceTime a friend We need to eat something good. Maybe we need to watch something funny. We need to go for a walk We need to move our body movement will help create endorphins and that keeps us happy so that we don't what to our husbands No, maybe I haven't seen Legally Blonde. Okay Yeah to the one that feels like I can't do this anymore. This isn't gonna work. Okay, we need we need to do some stuff We got to pull it together. We can handle this. We have done way harder things than this You've already the babies here You've got the baby out or if you didn't birth the baby You've got the baby from someone else which that had its own variety of struggles That was way harder than this right now. You can do this. Okay, and then to the one who's doing way too much Calm down, please. Really you read it and you don't need to overachieve right now. You're doing just fine Be here and we're gonna get through I wish you were here and we can actually talk and then I could ask you questions About your life. All right, the video is gonna end soon and we're gonna hang out again next week if you'll have me I can't read the questions because I'm filming on my phone, but I did memorize them. So one mum wrote me She's a mom. So she's super classy and cute She wrote me she has a five-year-old and she said she feels like she failed summer a little bit because she didn't have as much Structure and plans as she intended to have and she's feeling guilty about that And then she also said she's struggling with meal planning and to that I say I haven't premeditated my answers I just had enough brainpower to remember the questions. Okay failure a failure. Are you serious? No. No, we don't fail at summer There's no failing at summer You succeeded at having summer well done and you didn't have structure but you did have time together I'm assuming you probably had some free-flowing time and guess what if you want structure you'll create some now I like to say do what works until it doesn't and you know that it doesn't work anymore Because you start to feel like you want to change so what worked for you over the summer was you had kind of a free-flowing attitude and you got to the end and you were like That's not working for me anymore I want to make a change I want to have a plan and my mother-in-law says That you're only one good decision away from changing that she said it in the context of food I was feeling guilty about eating poorly for days And she was like, you know, you're only one meal away from eating better. And I was like, that's a really good perspective. So For you sweet one, you are only one hour away from having a little more structure now You don't need to go crazy. Sometimes we go all or nothing like I need so much structure or else I've failed I would say set the goal so low that you could basically trip and still achieve your goal because Achieving your goal builds momentum and confidence and you feel like I like myself I'm the type of person who follows through and then you set more goals and then you achieve those and it's a beautiful process So yeah, maybe start with one Saturday and have a little structure in place plan a play date or go to a park or do something that brings you joy some of us hate parks and Then what was the other one Oh meal planning? I know it is so tricky meal planning So I'll just start by saying welcome to the club. So many people are struggling with this The Internet's a very helpful solution You could even type in like your grocery store where you're going and like some of your kids preferences I guess some people use AI for this, but I probably shouldn't talk about AI because it's controversial but if you Like AI you could ask AI to help you meal plan If you don't like AI you could ask fellow moms to help you meal plan moms are way better than robots Anyway, so yeah, but again Lower your bar Lower it to the ground and then just do a little feel great and then go from there Okay, the second question that I remember someone asked me it was actually quite long and so forgive me if I botch it But this was from a mom not a mom. So she's American. I think we're Canadian. No, maybe it's your mom Okay She said that she has health issues, which I think means she has to lay down a lot She has a seven-year-old and a one-and-a-half-year-old her seven-year-old Her seven-year-old and her one-and-a-half-year-old had different developmental Issues some of yeah, I think her one-and-a-half-year-old has developed Motor skills really? Well, he's an excellent throwers. She said ball is life for this little guy He loves to throw and so he throws everything Magnetiles blocks all of it and she tries so much to try and get him stopped and it's not working and he's hitting the older Sibling and then the older sibling I think developed communication more quickly, but had other developmental issues So anyway, what I got out of this Oh and she said she's actually struggling to like the younger one sometimes because she feels like so frustrated at this one for just Constantly causing some chaos, which I appreciate the vulnerability there And then she also finds herself snapping at the older one for things that don't deserve it Like he'll do something. I think it's a heat We'll do something that's pretty standard like spills milk or does something that's just pretty normal seven-year-old kids stuff But then because she's stressed about the whole thing then she snaps at that one Kind of above and beyond what was appropriate for the situation that was kind of a crazy recap probably would have been better for me to read it to you, but Okay. First thing I want to say to you is you are carrying so much to have your own Health issues and also be parenting to children one of them being very young And both of them sounding like they had some hardships to overcome as well, or they still do that is a lot for you So just to acknowledge that is that is very hard and give yourself a lot of grace Also the feelings that you had that you described of like I don't always like my younger one That makes sense to you do like your younger one you love them obviously but of course, you're not going to like the feeling of this little one not listening to you and Throwing things and hurting the older one and the conflict and chaos that that causes That that is a natural reaction that you would have that's very human to be like, I don't like this stop doing this This makes me not like you You love them and so we're just gonna separate some of that untangle it and also Acknowledge that you're carrying a lot of stress. So it is going to It's going to affect your perspective towards these kids who you obviously love more than life You wouldn't be writing me if you didn't care so deeply for these kids one thought I had has to do with just the Environment if there's a lot for this little guy to throw and it seems like in your message You you've listed so many things that you've tried and he just doesn't stop throwing things Then my thought is perhaps he's lost the ability to access some of these toys Until he can regain his ability to play with them without using them as a weapon So maybe moving any hard toys magnet tiles and other things To somewhere else unless you in the moment are acknowledging like, okay We are entering a time where throwing might be happening So I'm gonna need to be on my a-game to protect the older sibling and to help the younger one not do this I also wonder does the older sibling as a seven-year-old Have the ability to stand up for himself I have a seven-year-old but I don't know if there's like developmental issues there that you're saying Maybe he wouldn't be able to do that But I think also empowering the older one to say like no stop don't do that I don't want that obviously, it's a one-and-a-half year old so to some level the little one's not gonna understand but I do feel like They also are understanding quite a bit and especially that's where some of the frustration comes in for a one-year-old is that they understand? So much more than they're able to communicate often And so just to empower the older one to also learn how to say no, we don't do that That's not that's not how we use the bag titles or whatever I'm not sure the Kind of social dynamic going on there But that's one thought I had is there a world where we can give you more support? like are you getting a lot of love and care and maybe friendship or personal support like through a therapist or extra childcare or something because You are caring more than normal, which would make me think you need more support than what is normal And if you don't have that it's an unfair expectation of yourself To think that you should always be able to go above and beyond and respond appropriately to everyone We're all just people trying to do people stuff. You're normal. We're all in this Just don't forget that in moments where you know, you overreacted a little repair goes a long way So to be able to say hey, buddy, I'm sorry That was I freaked out what you just did is is so normal and mommy's just feeling a lot of stress And or my bottom my body doesn't feel good today. I'm sorry that I Reacted that way. I don't know your kids personalities But some kids want to talk it through or hug and then just move on knowing that you're not failing them You're such a good mom We love them so much and the one and a half year old is going to get so much easier Once once they find their words, I was actually just watching videos of Wilson today When he was at that age and he was so fussy and and frustrating He was so cute. So delicious Like I would want to go back today and just hang out with that little guy just because the cuteness but also I don't at all miss His frustration around not being able to do the things that he wanted to do or say the things he wanted to say it got So much easier once he found his words and his like balance and his ability to climb and you know Go feet first instead of head first and all these different things So thankful that you would trust me with your time and Please write me if you need anything or you want to talk about anything and I will see you next week Okay, don't forget to take care of yourself. Don't forget to speak up. You can do it. Okay. Bye