Are We Raising a Generation That Can't Handle Failure?

Question for you. Are we raising a generation that cannot handle failure? When clinical psychologist says we may be teaching kids to fear every day comfort and discomfort instead of learning how to overcome it? Dr. Jenny Pahaska, founder of Tactical Longevity. She is here. Thank you so much, doctor, for coming. I think it's a huge conversation that seems always to be going on here from parents and kids alike. How do you see it in terms of, I guess, readiness to persevere? how it's being taught to young people. I would definitely say we're starting to develop a culture where we're rescuing a lot. So when parents have a kid that has a difficult moment or a hard thing they're trying to get through and they're running in and rescuing as much as they are what I'm seeing they are. What we're creating is kind of a culture that thinks that they can't handle difficulty or that difficulty is somehow dangerous in some way. And it's just not, that's not the case. I think that parents and guardians, they mean well. You know you want your kids to do better than you did. You want to protect them. So how do they begin to allow things to happen when necessary to help their kids grow? So yes, I think that seeing little small failures and taking that failure and saying, what an opportunity. One of the things I teach a lot is every problem has an opportunity in it. So a small failure when you're supported by a parent who says, hey, you can get through this, usually kids do get through it. Failures don't need to be looked at as catastrophic. We can use those failures to make us gritty. So where's the line then between supporting someone and then protecting them from everything hard? Sure. So supporting is like standing by them and wanting to be there, kind of showing them, guiding them the way, kind of like scaffolding. I'm going to support you here, but I'm not going to do it all for you. Protecting is taking all that hardship away. And I think when we protect people and don't let them experience hardship, we're actually taking away a lot of opportunities, almost robbing them of opportunities to gain confidence. You just reminded me when I was a kid, I did track and field for, for one summer. And, uh, I didn't get along with one of the girls on the team and I wanted to leave. I wanted to get rid of it all. And my mom said, no, you're going to finish out the season because you said you wanted to do this. And I cried for maybe two weeks, but I did finish the season and I learned to keep my word. So I think that's an example of, you know, my mom taught me to work through my feelings and maybe what I viewed as a failure in order to grow from it. You also have this phrase that you often use called response swap. So can you explain what that looks like, especially in the moment? Yes, this is super easy. Anybody can do this. So let's say your kid falls down and gets hurt. A parent's response will determine how much the kid kind of feels that emotion of falling down. So if a parent responds with, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, are you okay? And like rushes in, the kid's going to think, wow, this must be really bad. But if you response swap and you just switch it up with, oh, dang, that sucks that you fell down. Let's get back up. Sorry about that. That's a different response. And the kid is learning. Oh, when I fall down, it's totally fine. It's not a big deal. I can get back up. How do you also make sure that parents aren't telling their kids, hey, just toughen up, be stronger. You want to get that message across, but in a way that's definitely effective. Sure. Obviously acknowledge like real hardship and pain. And if they're absolutely out of their league and absolutely cannot have the skills to handle whatever in front of them. Of course, you need to be there and kind of handle just a little bit more until they gain those adaptable skills. So we're definitely not saying just toughen up. We're saying, hey, be there as like scaffolding and supportive, but don't be their crutch. Don't be their constant lean to share that they can get through it too and walk them through those steps until they're ready to develop those skills themselves. Finally, one piece of practical advice you would give to a parent that they can implement today. This is going to be a weird one, But I'm seriously going to tell you, try to be just a little bit less helpful, still friendly and warm, but a little less helpful. Leave a little gap or space to see if your kiddo can step into that gap and kind of do some of it on their own. You might be surprised at how you being less helpful makes them more confident and more competent. And then also let them live out the lessons you taught them. You know, that's what they're there for. So they can use those in times of need. Dr. Prohaska, thank you so much for this conversation. It was very insightful, and we appreciate it. Thank you. Your time now is 9.20.