Unfiltered Advice For Women Who Want An Elegant Life

So if you would come to me today and tell me, Anna, I want to become an elegant lady. I want to live an elegant life. My response to you would be, why? Why do you want to be elegant? Why do you want an elegant life? And the reason why I would ask you this is not because I'm trying to talk you out of it. I'm saying there's something wrong with elegance. No, because this word actually tells us a lot about our intentions, about the true reasons behind why we want something. I want to actually use social media as an example because I think elegance really became mainstream thanks to social media. As you remember, we had the quiet luxury aesthetic trend. We had also the old money aesthetic trend. And both of these trends really opened up the door for elegance to become more mainstream versus how it was before. So when something goes mainstream, we can see definitely on social media, it's going to be pushed a little bit everywhere. And it's oftentimes going to be pushed in a more stereotypical, simplified form, which definitely I think is the negative effect when things go mainstream and go viral. Because as many of you know, I have been advocating for this for my entire online journey, is how elegance is not just narrowed down to etiquette and clothing, right? Elegance is really a big value system that a lot of women who are in the elegance community, what they really lead with is the values that elegance bring them, like the dignity. I mean, listen, this is how I myself got into elegance from the very beginning. I didn't always lead with self-respect or have boundaries. And so elegance really helped me as personal development tool to establish certain habits for myself, like healthy habits, right? And so, yeah, it kind of sucks, you know, when you're seeing the mainstream version of elegance being broadcasted and you're like, OK, but you're kind of forgetting some of the main core elements of what this actually represents. But OK, you know, that's just my opinion. What I have also seen because of the social media effect, and this is, of course, the nature of social media. But what has definitely happened is that a certain image of elegance is only being broadcasted, right? We saw it definitely with the old money aesthetic and the quite luxury. Like if you just go on Pinterest, you know, and you just have a little glance, everything is so polished and picture perfect. When people see perfection, they oftentimes start associating it with happiness. And I have found that there are always going to be those who get attracted to the perfection or the highly aesthetic image of something because they think that this is what's going to give them a happy life. This is why in the beginning, if you tell me you want an elegant life, I want to ask you, but why? Is it because you think like all your troubles are going to go away when you live like this? Or I don't know, you have the perfect home, the perfect husband, the perfect this, the perfect outfit, the perfect hair, the perfect probably, you think that once I become her, that girl, that woman, my life will finally be good. I will be happy then. And by the way, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with some visual storytelling or having an eye for aesthetics. Like, I mean, listen, I love aesthetics. Like there's nothing wrong with living beautifully. You know, I am talking about wanting a life because a certain image gives you a feeling and almost like a bit of an illusion that this is how life is going to be like. And us humans are so good at constantly interpreting that image in a way that is a bit like, I mean, we definitely glorify a lot of things and we definitely, I don't know, twist the reality of how it actually is. That's why social media has such a negative effect on people because when we are watching other people's perfect lives or the highlight reel of their lives, it's hard for us to be like truly grounded in our thoughts where we're like not buying entirely what we are seeing. But the human brain does not interpret social media content always like that. You have to really switch that thinking on constantly and be very aware when you are scrolling in your feed and watching all that stuff. But the point that I'm trying to say is that because elegance went mainstream and so you can see the elegant feed or the elegant content in so many places now and you're being fed this, I think it's very easy to start feeling influenced then by this whole thing being like, okay, well, I want then an elegant life. I need to have these elegant things. And so what I personally think happens is that you're going to start focusing on certain aspects of elegance that I think, okay, well, surely you can do that. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but don't just build an elegant looking life. Actually use elegance for some of the bigger benefits that can genuinely improve the experience of your life, not just how your life looks like. And so that kind of takes me to the next point that has to actually do with curating your image. And what I just said might sound a bit shocking to some people because you might hear it as like somebody's curating their image. They're like becoming somebody they're not, or they're doing something shady. When in reality, assessing your image and how your presentation communicates to other people, in my opinion, is a very healthy thing to do. But just like I said with the previous example, I mean, this can also be constructed in a very unhealthy way. And this takes me back to the original question. If you want an elegant image, then my question would be, but why? What do you think that image is going to do for you? I think what would represent a kind of very healthy, balanced approach to elegance is when you are like, you know what, I definitely think that I could improve my style or how I present myself. I definitely want to learn. I'm interested in this. Yeah, perfect. I mean, absolutely. I don't think there's anything wrong if that's generally how it is. But I think it starts becoming a bit unhealthy when it's in lines with, I want to look more sophisticated so people respect me. And so I can feel better about myself so that I can be more loved, be more seen. Do you see the difference? One is really something you truly do for yourself. But I think when it's becoming a way of gaining some form of self-worth, feeling like you cannot shine unless you look a certain way or you present yourself a certain way. So what I mean is that the motivation of just wanting to look elegant and curating an elegant image might look the same from the outside, but underneath there might be totally different motivations. And I think it's important to be super clear with yourself what your true motivation is. And listen, if it is a bit unhealthy, there's nothing wrong with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong. And I really need to pinpoint about this. I mean, I've been very open with you ladies on this channel how I have definitely used everything from status to elegance to style to handbags as validation of my self-worth, you know. And I'm expressing this because I want you to understand that, yeah, we do it sometimes. Yeah, it can happen to anybody. There's kind of nothing to be embarrassed about. It's just the way it is sometimes. But it's amazing when we can actually see clearly what's happening and not judge ourselves in the process, because then we can kind of course correct and maybe choose a healthier option instead. And so that is definitely something I would want to tell you today about elegance, because I see that a lot of people, not everybody, of course, there's a large part of the elegant community who have a very healthy approach to elegance, you know. But there is definitely a part that don't. And sometimes you can have a mixture of both as well, by the way. So I think it's super important to just cross-check where you are standing with that. So I have already mentioned a few times on this channel how back in the days when I would do a lot of elegance do's and don'ts and elegance rules and etiquette rules type videos, I would only occasionally communicate the importance of time, place and context for these rules. I do wish I would have probably been even more clear and communicated clearly in every video how important that is, because I kind of took it for granted that people understood this. But now in hindsight, I'm realizing that no, actually not everybody does. If I would then give you advice on elegance today, I would be heavily telling you that there is no such thing as consistency in elegance. And I think a lot of people think that if you choose to be an elegant woman, then you have to be like 24-7 elegant in every single context. You always have to have the perfect elegant presentation. And there cannot be any inconsistencies in your elegance, because if you do one mistake, one elegance mistake, you're no longer an elegant woman. And you know, I'm kind of laughing about it because this is kind of very black and white type of thinking. When life does not work like that, it's not healthy to have black and white type of thinking. The fundamentals of etiquette teachings is actually that it's an important skill to have, to know how to operate in certain settings. But this does not mean this is a permanent way of living. Like you are living now with certain etiquette 24-7. There are times when you need more formal behavior in your life. And there are times when more casual behavior is appropriate. I'm going to give you a very specific example because I've seen this go viral on social media about how to kind of eat a banana correctly. And so etiquette teachers are eating their banana with a knife and fork. And it always causes outrage because most people would never eat their banana like that. But actually, I want to tell you the story where this etiquette rule came from. Because it came from the Swiss finishing school where the person who posted this viral clip from the very beginning, she studied there. So she got this rule from there. And I know this because I went to the Swiss finishing school myself, not the same year as she did though. And there they taught us that if you are ever at the most formal type of event and they happen to serve fruit to you, it's not very often it happens because at such high formal events, they wouldn't just put a banana on a plate and give it to you. But if such circumstances occur, then you should have the skill of how to formally and elegantly eat a banana. At a very high formal event, you wouldn't just eat it like with your hands, the way we do it in a normal casual setting, right? You would have to know how to do it with your knife and fork. And that's why they taught us that. Not because this is how you have to eat a banana. But what I am trying to say here is that it is so important that you always, always, always remember that there is no such thing as consistency and elegance. And this actually even goes to like, if you want to do something unclassy, tacky, if you even want to be a little bit vulgar, honestly, be that, do that, mix it up with your elegance. My point is, is that you can absolutely love elegance, love beautiful things, beautiful clothes, etiquette, all of that, while also love, maybe you love watching trashy TV. Maybe your favorite footwear is Crocs. Maybe you have some really weird hobbies that you're like, oh my goodness, Anna Bey would see me now, she would be horrified. I don't know. But the point is like, the whole point of this personal development journey that we're on is to freaking become who you want to become. Like mix and match, use elegance really as a tool because it is an amazing tool. But don't just buy into elegance what the social media is showing. They're not even showing the, I don't know, the full accurate picture of it. My point is, ladies, do not be afraid of this inconsistency. If you think any form of inconsistency is evidence that you are not something, no. Take that out of your mindset. This is not how we operate. Elegance should not be some form of cult that has such strict rules that you are afraid of breaking. I think if you have inconsistency in your elegance, I think this is just healthy. This is just signs that you are not doing a copy and paste, which you know I hate. You are definitely mixing and matching and creating your own version of things. And this is a very healthy approach to elegance.