My In-Laws Blew Their Retirement - Should We Bail Them Out?

Brought to you by CHM, a budget-friendly, faith-based alternative to health insurance. chministries.org slash budget. I've got a situation with my in-laws. They are in their mid-70s, and during COVID, my father-in-law gambled away all their savings. How much was it? Yeah, so they, you know, I don't know exactly. They had worked their whole lives, and my mother-in-law, she got some inheritance from her parents when they passed away. Her parents were very well off, so I'm assuming it was several hundred thousands of dollars, but, you know, I don't know for certain how much it was, and they've been working full-time, you know, for the last couple of years, but they're getting older, and, you know, my wife and I are trying to figure out, like, what's the future, and what's our role going to be in all this? I've got five small kids at home, and we're bursting at the seams in our place, so, you know, unless we move or add on to our house, like, them staying with us is not an option, and, but, you know, their other kids are not really involved, so it's going to fall on us. The burden is going to fall on us. Are the other siblings estranged when you say they're not involved? Yes and no. It's kind of complicated, but they're really not in the picture as far as, or in a place to take care of them in any meaningful way. Okay, so your wife is the closest, you know, child they have that's actually still communicating with them. What does your wife want to do? I don't know. It's tough. I mean, we're probably about four hours away from them, so it's not like we can get over there once a week to go help them out with stuff, but, you know, I think if my in-laws would be open to it, I'm sure my wife would want them to move closer to us or in with us. I don't know if that would be something acceptable for my in-laws. They're pretty stubborn. Do they have a mortgage? They do not. What's their house worth? I mean, they're in the middle of nowhere. It's probably, if they could get a hundred grand for it, that'd be, that would be, that would be a lot. So I think the, I mean, you got two big challenges in front of you. One, will they even accept your help? Yeah. Right. And maybe they won't now, maybe they'll be forced to in five years, like who knows, but I think that's a, that is a thing that's really hard to metabolize when we want to help people that we love and they are either too prideful or too scared or their ego is too big or any number of reasons, but they won't accept our support and love as we, as we can give it. Right. So that's number one. Number two is you and your wife have to just be flat out honest about what we can and can't do. Like, and, and like, cause what happens a lot of times, especially in big emotional situations like this, um, is. When you're in the baby steps, every expense deserves a second look and healthcare is one of the biggest. That's why I recommend Christian healthcare ministries. CHM is a health cost sharing ministry and their programs start at just $115 a month. A lot of families find CHM gives them more room in the budget and it's why members say they're better with CHM. Right now, new members can get a 50% credit towards their first month. Go to chministries.org slash budget and use promo code Ramsey. Cause what happens a lot of times, especially in big emotional situations like this, um, is we just spend all of our energy on what we can't do or what we should do versus what we, and y'all need to have a honest come to Jesus conversation about here's what we, we could do, even if they would allow it. Could we have, could we come up with a thousand bucks to subsidize a one bedroom apartment in our neighborhood? That's all we can do. That's all we have. And we're not going to give the money to you. We're going to give it directly to the place. Can we support groceries? Like you get what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. And that's, that's kind of, you know, part of the reason that it's, it's difficult for us is that, uh, you know, I do, I do very well, um, in my job and I've got, uh, a pretty significant amount of savings. And so, you know, if we were to add an addition onto our house or something, we could do that, but you know, I struggle with, well, okay. I mean, I've got, again, I've got a bunch of small kids. Like I want to think about their future and I want to plan to be able to not put my kids in the situation that they were putting That's exactly right. That should be your priority. And, and so, you know, but, but at the same time, like, okay, yeah, we could, I could write a check tomorrow and we could put it, you know, uh, an in-law suite addition on our house. So that's just where, you know, I'm struggling with the right thing to do. And if, and if we, I, I don't think if we told them, Hey, we want, this is our plan. We want you to come live with us. They probably would not accept it, but knowing what's probably going to happen in the future is that they're not going to be able to work at some point in the future. If we had a place for them, then I think it would just be a natural choice for them to come live with us. Well, that's where y'all, well, they wouldn't have any other options. Well, so that's where, I mean, you kind of giving us a very clear path for you and your wife, which is y'all let them know when, and if y'all need support, um, we're ready to sit down and have that conversation. And that, that conversation ends right there because they'll probably respond with, well, we're fine. You don't need to worry about it. Great. Cool. And then you and your wife have to live in the reality that probably at some point you will be responsible for some sort of care. And, um, and so we'll start putting a little money aside over here. We might start looking at a different house down the, down the road. We might look at one bedroom apartments in the neighborhood. Um, and by the way, a picture for your kids. It's easy for me to wrap my head around. The only legacy I can leave to my kids is money. There also is a huge legacy towards, I watched my parents care and love. Well, they're aging parents, right? Like that's also part of legacy. It's also part of care. And so all of that is a tricky balance, right? And none of that comes in any sort of thing that y'all wanted or asked for. Right. For sure. How much are they letting you into their own finances? Oh, very little. I mean, when they, uh, ironically, uh, I called a couple of years ago when everything kind of hit the fan, uh, when they lost everything and even gave, uh, gave me some, some great advice, but, um, and so, you know, we're back now because, you know, if they had, if they were to tell me they had $10,000 in their bank account, I think that would probably be a surprise to me. Sure. You know, is he still gambling? I don't think he's gambling anymore. Um, but I mean, they're working between the two of them. They're each working at least 40 hours a week, if not more, and they're almost 75 each. Are they taking social security? Uh, oh, they're not. Uh, my father-in-law held a, uh, cash paying, uh, job his entire life. So probably did not report most of his income. So, um, they're, uh, they're, if they're taking social security, it's minimal. So. Okay. So y'all, you and your wife have to have the conversation of what is taking care of me? Yeah. Is that going to be $3,000 in a nursing home? Is that going to be like, what are we, are we going to help them sell everything so they can get on Medicaid? Like, what is that going to look like for us? And you'll have you as, as her ride or die, you as her husband are going to say, like, you're going to have to work to not have that calculator running in your head of, well, if we had taken that money and invested it, we could have given this to our right. Cause if y'all agree on a number, like do your best to say, I was a part of this decision. I'm a, I'm a guy who's not going to let two elderly people just like get stuck in the system, especially if I'm being successful, like I'm going to grieve that. And then I'm going to go on and take care of folks in the amount and to the degree that me and my wife agreed. And then I'm going to go on about my life and go from there. And it could be, I'm not, I'm, I'd probably pie in the sky here. It could be that, could it, could it be that they would be fun to have around your kids or is that a no-go? You know, I think they, I think they would be, but I just, you know, outside of something drastic happening, I can't see, at least my father-in-law wanting to leave, you know, it's a town he grew up, he was born, you know, in that town. But he made choices. He may not have a choice to stay, right? He made a lot of poor choices. Yeah. But he may not, he may not ultimately because of his past choices, he may not get a say in whether he stays or not. Yeah, that's true. Which, which stinks. Hey, let me tell you this brother, your anger's right. You're right to be mad at him for how he handled his finances, for how he did whatever it is he did. That anger won't serve you loving your wife well and y'all coming up with a plan together moving forward for here's the reality that we have in front of us. None of us wanted this, none of us planned this, but this is what it is. And we are people who take care of our families. So here's what that's going to mean for us. Here's what we can or cannot do. Christian Healthcare Ministries can save your family hundreds of dollars on healthcare every month. Learn more at chministries.org slash budget.