Mitch McConnell is Totally Fine, Stop Asking

Income is up and poverty is at near historic lows. So we should all stop feeling poor. Any day now. Cash Mattel wants beastiality in the FBI. And Sidney Sweeney sparks controversy with the most delightful clickbait. Find more on this week's America Uncovered headlines. Welcome to America Uncovered, I'm Chris Chappell. Happy spooky season, everybody. I know it isn't even October yet, but it's officially time to get into the Halloween spirit. Because we've seen our first zombie of the fall. Someone who became a zombie because of a fall. That's right, Mitch McConnell has made his first public appearance and cast his first vote in three months after a lengthy recovery from hospitalization. And he looks totally fine, sharp as a Tic Tac. I wouldn't be worried at all if this was the guy in charge of representing me. Sure, he reportedly got confused during the vote and had to have his name called twice, but he had people to tell him what to do. Obviously, many people are upset because they feel McConnell failed to meet his elected obligations, and he still doesn't appear to be all there. Personally, I think more people should be upset about the fact that Republicans clearly have a necromancer, and Mitch is the only guy they brought back. Why not Abraham Lincoln? The country could use him more than ever to fight vampires. It's spooky season after all. But you know who definitely isn't feeling very festive? Donald Trump. And not just because the Fed raised interest rates for the first time since 2023, and signaled one more would come this year. No, Trump's upset because it's time for another episode of So Much for the Supreme Court Being Trump's Puppets. The Supreme Court struck down Trump's mail-in voting rule. The president was obviously hoping for a different result, but he responded to the differing opinions. You know where I'm going with this. Donnie crashed out like half the country watching that Sidney Sweeney sports betting site ad. I don't have anything else to add here. I'm just going to leave this on screen a bit longer, because I assume it's going to help our engagement. But so what did Trump have to say? The Supreme Court is bullied and cajoled by the radical left into making decisions that have set America back at least 100 years. These are not the people I interviewed to serve on the United States Supreme Court. They are merely a shell of their original selves. First of all, set back 100 years? Man, I've never seen any court decision so bad it made women wear flapper dresses and smoke from super long cigarette holders. And also, a shell of their former selves? Oh no, maybe that necromancer sucked the Republican out of their souls and used it to revive Mitch McConnell. That's the only explanation for the sudden betrayal that's happened a bunch of times already. So to anyone saying the Supreme Court are mindless tools Trump is using to turn America into a fascist state, it would seem those tools are hurting him more than helping him. As if he were Tim the Tool Man Taylor. By the way, if you understood that reference, start stretching in the morning. It'll lower the odds of you throwing out your back after sneezing. Again. And the Supreme Court weren't the only judges Trump beefed with this week. Because a federal judge ruled Trump's name must stay off the Kennedy Center. Oh, but if it only were that simple. You see, Trump is a trustee of the Kennedy Center and the chairman of the board, which is full of people he appointed. So surprise surprise, the board voted to add Trump's name to the Kennedy Center and to close it for renovations. The judge blocked both Trump's name and the closing. So Trump's name was covered and also maybe removed, it's unclear. But the board voted to close the center anyway, saying it was an emergency and that the building was not safe for visitors. So now the center is closed. Trump's name is covered. The judge is angry because the center is closed. Trump is angry because his name isn't on it. And Trump says that the building won't get the renovation money he helped convince Congress to set aside for it, unless his name is re-added to the building. Meanwhile, several media outlets are saying that Trump is actually planning to demolish the center based on this picture. Which, honestly, I'm not even sure what I'm looking at here. Is that even real? I mean, who makes plans to demolish something by looking at an oversized poster that says, De-Center Demolish? We truly live in the stupidest timeline. Fortunately, I think I found a solution that'll make everyone happy. The judge allows the center to close for renovations. Trump gives the Kennedy Center the money they need to renovate. And in return, he sees his name in even bigger venues, as he opens for Ed Sheeran on his arena tour. After all, Ed Sheeran needs a supporting act after his openers and even his backing band dropped out in solidarity with Macklemore, who was kicked out for saying Free Palestine, upsetting Gillette Stadium owner billionaire Robert Kraft. I know, that idea is ridiculous. Trump would never agree to be an opener for anyone. Even if they look like they're playing a younger version of himself in a BBC musical miniseries. Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massey has moved to impeach Secretary of War Pete Hegseth over the Iran War. And he means business. Impeaching Peter Brian Hegseth, Secretary of Defense for High Crimes and Misdemeanors. See? He used Hegseth's middle name like your parents did when you knew you were in real trouble. Though I'll say, I don't think these were high crimes and misdemeanors. Knowing Hegseth, he wasn't high, probably just drunk. Massey, who lost his primary, won't be returning to the House next year, and is now suffering from whatever the opposite of senioritis is, accuses Hegseth specifically of violating the War Powers Act of 1973, which makes it so you can't wage a war without congressional approval. While Massey would be able to force the House to vote on impeaching Hegseth, the chances of removing the Secretary of War are alarmingly slimmer than Irina Grande. Hope she's doing well, by the way. First of all, the GOP still has a majority in the House. So unless that necromancer I talked about earlier sucked more Republican souls to revive old Mitchie, this appears to be just a spiteful exercise in futility. Which doesn't remind me at all of how negotiations with Iran are currently going. Nope, no way. Also, the House conveniently decided to leave early, and they won't have any more votes until after the November elections. Man, these guys' allergy to actually doing any work makes me think they're suffering from...exactly what senioritis is. But it's all a moot point, since Iran... War? What war? This isn't a war. Just look! You can clearly tell this is just a boomy boomy powwow. So unless there's a boomy boomy powwow act of 1973, Hegseth hasn't broken any law. In fact, the last time the US formally declared war was during World War II. So I don't know what all those Vietnam, Korea, and Middle East veterans are so shell-shocked over. Those weren't even wars. Knowing the semantic difference, I'm sure, will help them overcome the shocking brutality human beings can inflict upon each other. Dash Patel. No reason I'm bringing him up after showing a picture of someone with a haunting thousand-yard stare. Patel was the subject of one of those delightful congressional hearings that result in lots of shouting, but not much else. Though in this one, we, uh, learned something interesting about Patel's FBI. There's no gentle way of getting into it, so I'll just say it. Patel defended loosening employment standards on bestiality and prostitution. So I guess furry hookers still have a chance of becoming feds. Congrats. So what exactly is going on? Is the FBI so desperate for new applicants that they're allowing people in who wore 9-inch heels, or had relations with things you teach to heal? Not exactly. Patel says the way the regulation was written before he arrived disqualified anyone who was the victim of these activities. It automatically disqualified any individual who participated on either side of it. Obviously, we are never going to hire the criminal. Which side of what? The bestiality? Yes. So you disqualified the animal? Man, I didn't realize the background check to be a police horse was so thorough. While this is an easy topic to make fun of, and believe me, it is very easy, I have like a terabyte worth of jokes I'm not even adding to this script, it's important to get clear what Patel is saying. He's not saying former dog lovers and street walkers should become agents. He's saying that people who engage in that activity are often victims who are forced to, and they shouldn't be penalized. Of course, I don't know how many people forced into bestiality come out on the other side of it and decide to pursue a career in a government agency. But for those that do, they now have this option. And their story would make the most inspiring, but also darkest, Air Buds sequel of all time. I never thought I'd say this, but let's lighten the mood by talking about foreign policy. The Trump administration has shifted $52 million in military aid away from European and Middle Eastern allies and towards Latin American allies. Trump says this is a move to help combat illegal immigration and drug trafficking. Hopefully this will also help fight human trafficking, and the people saved can start a new life as furry feds. But you know who else America is sending military aid to? Space! And the aid is helping the US. Because the US military has confirmed it has deployed weapons in space. They haven't confirmed exactly what the weapons are or what they do, which means they haven't confirmed that it's not not a Gundam. These space weapons were launched in order to combat China and Russia. China warned of an orbital battlefield. And Russia said space must be free from any weapon. Because they're just peaceful lovers of astronomy, and definitely aren't building up their own military capabilities in space. Which is what I'd be saying if the US Space Force didn't have that intel. Yeah, they're totally building up their military capabilities in space. In 2025, US household incomes rose to the highest point on record, and poverty fell to near historic lows. And before you ask, yes, these numbers are adjusted for inflation. And the reason for this is job growth. So Americans are making more money and are less impoverished than ever. But before you go lighting cigars with $100 bills, first, go outside. You don't want to set off the smoke alarm. But also, these numbers don't quite tell the whole story. The lowest earners didn't see that much of an increase in wages, but earners at the top did. Also, these numbers are from last year, before the Iran boomy boomy powwow which started earlier this year and caused another rise in inflation and prices. I know, I also can't believe it only started a few months ago. It feels like we've been talking about the war with Iran since we evolved from single-celled organisms. So things are more expensive, which sucks. But even in the worst-case scenario, these numbers do offer hope that things are improving, even little by little. So economically, the US isn't dead. And even if it were, there's no need to worry. Because we've always got that necromancer. What do you think? Leave your comments below. And if you want to support the work we do, making fun of people on all sides of a variety of political issues, join us on AmericanCovered.tv, where you get access to thousands of episodes ad-free, plus a community chat, live streams, and more. Just click this button here or the link below. I'm Chris Chappell. Thank you for watching America Uncovered.