White Walker Attacked Me | Michael Blaustein | Stand-up Comedy

How are you madam? This ain't gonna be easy. This ain't gonna be easy? I feel like you're wrong. Thank you so much. I've been doing this a very long time and you just became an audience member 14 minutes ago. I'm just joking. No, I don't want to try. I don't want to. It's okay. You can just do what. How come you... What's... What happened? How come... Why are you so mad? Does he not ******* grow? Why are you so mad? You know what's so funny? It's interesting about you. It's like my job is just to make you guys happy and you're like, No, **** happiness. That's such a weird person to be. Right? What do you do for a living besides hate everyone? What do you do? It's so wild that the dude you're with is thoroughly enjoying this and you ******* hate your life. He's really having a good time. And it sucks because you're... So he has to go like this. He has to hide all of it. He has to push his happiness down which he's been probably having to do for 23 years. As soon as he said, I do, you go, No happiness. But thank you so much for coming. You guys are great. Hi. What's your name? Just answer me like, Huh? No, it's not. It's her ******* name. Guys. How long have you guys been together for? Kids? Eight of them. Not a good start, but I'll let you go again. Aaron. Caleb. Austin. Gabe. Desiree. Stripper. Go ahead. Next one. Dustin. Goes to a strip club. Go ahead. Tiana. Stripper number two. Cory. That's the only one that's going to make it. I like that a lot. What's your name, sir? Raven. Oh, Raven? Shut up. Like Raven? Yes, sir. Did you change it? Or did you come out of your mom's name? She was like, How long has your mom been a witch? Your dad is Native American. Oh, now it makes sense. What's your dad's name? Like Chief Walking Squirrel? What is it? Huh? Cheyenne. Cheyenne? Cheyenne. Isn't that a... Isn't that the name of... Aren't they the Cheyenne? His name is what they are? So that's like a black dude named Black? That makes sense. So, hold on. So he's from the Cheyenne tribe? Oh, his great-great-grandpa was a chief. His great-great-grandpa was a chief of the Cheyennes. Oh, you come from royalty, okay. That's really cool. Okay, do you celebrate that side of you? I wasn't very connected with his side of the family. You weren't very connected with that side of the family? Yeah, because they're hunter-gatherers. They got to get out. You grew up on a farm? That's close enough. Okay, good. Okay, so you two... Okay, Raven, what's your last name? Campbell. Raven Campbell. Half-Indian, half-soup, this mother******. He's like super Native American and white. Like, white. Oh, my God. The only thing whiter than that is mayonnaise. Raven mayonnaise. Okay, that's really cool. So, Campbell, are you from the royalty of soup or no? Unfortunately not. Okay. All right, Raven. So you just have to walk around with that **** name, huh? You probably catch hell every single day of your life. I'm so sorry that I'm yelling at you, man. Did you make peace with it already? Absolutely. Absolutely? Okay, you've never thought about changing it? No. No? Okay, cool. So every time you walk into a **** Starbucks... Does everyone go, uh, what? Does everyone do that? Okay, cool. What do you do for work, sir? I work as a lab tech. A lab tech? What does that mean? Sorry, you do blood stuff? I actually work on makeup, testing makeup. You make a testing makeup? What the **** does that mean? You test the makeup? Maybelline? What do you mean? What's that? Everything that goes into it, I make sure it's correct. Everything that goes into it, you make sure it's correct. What goes into what? Uh, no testing on animals. No testing on animals? Okay, good. That's very Native American of you. **** yeah. That's what's up. Good for you, man. Are you in a relationship, Raven? Unfortunately not. It's okay to be solo, sir. Don't say unfortunately. How long have you been single, Raven? Who knows? Maybe that's part of the problem. Who knows? It's been what? One year, two years, seven years? Who was president last time you got your **** up? Probably over a year? Are you not, do you not have a Google calendar? Do you not know what day it is? Do you know what year it is? 2025. Okay, so when was the last time you were holding someone's hand like, Before he went back to his country. What country is that? I thought you called me a pervert, bro. I said Peru, but I thought he was like pervert. I was like, what the ****? Oh, he, does he still, he lives in Peru now? Yeah. Okay. Did you try, did you try to like keep in contact with him? I'm not good with distance. You're not good with distance. Okay, that's okay. That's okay. You can't like send him smoke signals? Is that a smoke signal, but a nude? That looks like a ****. That's cool, man. Okay, so you're just kind of playing solo for a couple years? Are you dating or anything? I was talking to someone, but they ain't got ****. They, they, you're trying to talk to somebody, they just kind of flubbered away. Okay, that's okay. So what's your, so you gay, gay, gay? Either or. Oh, ****. Hell yeah. Greedy. You greedy ****. Look at this record. I wish I was you. That must be so **** cool. You walk into a party, you're like, I'll **** everybody. That's cool. What do you prefer? Pee pee or vajayjay? Huh? Men? You prefer men? Okay. So if you were to give me, give me like a pie graph. Give me a pie graph. Maybe 10% vajayjay, 90% pee pee. 5% ****. That's not a lot. 5%? What do you mean? What if you're going out with a vajayjay, you're like. Okay. 5%? I'd be 5% gay, so I'm bi. I might be bi too. So how do you, have you, have you, have you with a lady? Not one that's female. To what? Not one that identified as female. Not one that identified as a female. The gender gymnastics on this conversation is bananas. I like this. Okay, hold on, hold on. This is fun. Okay, hold on. So, so, oh, hold on. So a lady with, oh, hold on. Let me, um, all right, I got it. So, so a person, so a per, so a person that I, I feel like I'm running for office. A person was maybe had long hair. Hold on. No, oh, no, hold on. No, I got it. So the person with the, with long hair and then there was a vajayjay in the premises. But if you were like, hey, hello, what's your name? Bill. It was like that. That's what's up. No, no, dude, I'm not, I'm not saying nothing negative about this ----. I'm just trying to get the right in my brain. You know what I mean? So was it, was, was, was he, I got it. Was he, was he ******* jacked? For the most part. Was it, this is a family show, by the way. If you guys didn't know, I'm just interested. Was it? Okay. So you went, so you, did you, do you do the nasty? You've had both. What does that mean? What do you mean? That was a bunch of Southern jumble. I don't know what the, you're talking like Campbell, not right. Talk like right. Okay. So, so what, what was, what was, I, now I got lost. What was his? Yep. What was his name? The one that was Jack would have. That's okay. Okay. But did you, did you do the, did you do the Bing Bing? Yeah. You did in the, in the, in the, what is it? What is it? What did he, does he call it a, my, my dick pussy? What does he call it? You know what I mean? When he's like, give me, you ******* slick my dick. Like, what does he say? She, he, yeah, he, what does he say? Depends on the person. What did he say to you? Listen, we're not going to stay here for another 40 minutes. Just everyone relax. I'm just saying everyone's like, can you move on? I will, I swear to God. I will. I'm just interested. Cause he, cause it's a, it's a ******* dude. Ah, but it has a Vajayjay. So I'm just saying, cause she like, yeah, I'm so hard. Funny. That's kind of funny. That's kind of, I like it. I'm back in. That's kind of funny. I like it, but thank you so much for sharing, man. I appreciate it. Raven, Claude Campbell face. I like it. Thank you so much. Brave to share. So open and honestly, Raven, that's very, very cool of you, man. And how, how are you? How are you, sir? You okay? You okay with this conversation? Good. Okay. Okay, cool. Who is this to your, to your left? My wife. That's your wife. Beautiful. Great. And how long? We've been together, we've been married eight years. Eight years. Well, congratulations on eight years, sir. Yeah. Hell yeah. No one else gives a ****, but I care. You guys have any kids, any kids? Not together. Oh, independent. You brought, how many kids you guys, how many kids you four, two and two? We got it. Yeah. Okay, good. And what do your kids do? Are they dead beats or they're going on with their life? One's an accountant, one does IT. An accountant and IT. Okay. So they're all, they're all. Nursing and the other's a nurse. Oh, great. Everyone's doing great. **** yeah. Okay. And where'd you meet eight years ago? Spring Hope. Spring Hope? What's Spring Hope? Sir, Spring Hope, focus. Spring Hope? What the **** is that? Oh, a town. Spring Hope is a town. Okay, congrats. Okay, you didn't meet in Spring Town. You didn't meet there. Where did you meet? At a hospital. Hold on. I'm getting a picture. She's a nurse, you said. Yes. And you met in a hospital. Are you a, are you a nurse as well? You're a nurse? You're a dude nurse. Oh, that's similar. That's similar to the. Okay, man. That's ******* awesome, dude. How did you, how did you get into being a nurse? I was a CNA 35 years ago. You were a CNA? CNA 35 years ago. Okay. Well, congratulations, sir. That's what's up. What's your favorite position? Missionary? Loser. So I'm just joking. No, that's my favorite position too. I'm just ******* around. Hell yeah. Okay. How are you, sir? You're good. Good. Thumbs up. Is this you? Is this your lady? Okay, great. Congratulations, man. She's very, very pretty. And what do you do for you for work, ma'am? I work part-time. Part-time? Where? Waffle House. Oh, I ******* love your product. Waffle House is wild. You ever go to Waffle House at two in the morning? They are *******, they're stirring eggs with a gun. Holy ----, dude, have you, do you work night shifts? Please say yes. Yes, no disrespect. Yes, bitch. Okay, can you please stop? Dude, I've seen so many wild stories about guys at Waffle House at two in the morning. What happened? What's the craziest story that happened at Waffle House at two in the morning? I like his story the most. You like his story the most? Okay, well share with the class, sir. A guy getting head at the high counter at the Waffle House. Yes, I'm so excited. Okay, hold on. You guys didn't hear it. Okay, so she said some dude was getting head at the high counter. How, is there enough space? Like how, how the ****, how do you get in? Like how, did you? He wasn't there. Whoa, so you guys were ordering and all of a sudden she's like whoopsie daisy peek-a-boo, I'm sucking his dick. Did you tell him to leave? Yeah. You did. Man, you ******* narcs, let him, let him get all stars of head, damn it. Huh? They just went in the bathroom and finished. They went in the bathroom and finished. Okay, good for them. Okay, that is the most Waffle House. What was everyone else doing? What were you doing? Were you videotaping? Let me see. Wait, hold on, what were you guys doing? We were working. You were working? The whole restaurant was full. Oh, that's the most Waffle House answer ever. She goes the whole restaurant was full. I appreciate that. You're like I don't give a **** if this guy's getting head. That guy's doing heroin in the corner. Who wants a ******* waffle? Okay, do you work there? You work there still? Yeah. You do? Okay, you're part-time though, right? Yeah. Okay, okay. All right, and any other weird? Because, dude, that's a whack-a-doo plate. You guys get to eat the food? Yeah. What's your favorite thing to eat? Cheesesteak. Cheesesteak? What the ****? I didn't know they had ******* cheesesteaks. Okay, that's cool as ****. Okay, and then, sir, you work full-time at the Waffle House? You work part-time? I'm a manager. You're a manager? Oh, ----, thank you so much. Man, what's your goal, sir? What's your goal? You want to own a Waffle House? No, sir. Okay, what is your goal, man, when you grow up? What do you want to do when you grow up? No, I don't know. You don't know yet? Okay, good. You don't need to know, man. Good for you. Good, and then how long have you guys been together for? 17 years. 17 years, oh, ----. Okay, kids? Eight of them. Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, watch me. Ready? Pull out. Watch me. Ready? No, we'll just do it again. We'll just do it one more time. Oh, you need a side view? Just, I got it, right? If you start to feel the tingle-tangles, tingle-tangles, because you feel the tingle-tangles, and you turn around, and you have eight of them motherfuckers, so just turn back around, be like, I don't want a basketball team, and just pull out. Do you not like pulling out? Is that a thing that you don't, you just do, you just, whatever. You're just like, I'll let Jesus take the wheel. And you just do that. That's very Waffle House of you, sir. What are the kids' names? Do you even know? This white Nick Cannon has no idea. Start from the top. Do you know the kids' names? Go ahead. First kid, what's his name? He has so many kids, you're like, I don't know. Start speaking French on them. Okay. Oh, it's not a good start, but I'll let you go again. Aaron. Caleb. Austin. Austin, Jesus Christ. This sounds like a starting lineup for Waffle House, go ahead. Gabe. Made? Gabe. Gabe, great. Desiree. Desiree, stripper, go ahead. Next one. Dustin, goes to a strip club, go ahead. Tiana. Tiana, stripper number two. Cory. And who? Cory. Cory, that's the only one that's gonna make it. I like how you knew that off the top of your head, dude. Was that eight? I don't think that was eight. That was not eight. That was the quickest eight I've ever seen in my life. You missed one, you. That was not eight. All right, that was eight. I'm just, okay. Damn, so you guys are married, I'm assuming? Yes. Yes, okay, wow. How was, man, no disrespect and I'm so sorry. Is everything, is everything? Everything is shut down. I love you, dude.