Not being insecure is easy, actually

So if you're not really confident in social situations, most people will tell you to just fake it till you make it. And while this method can get you quick results, you can't keep it up forever. Eventually, you will exhaust your battery of fakeness. I think the reason why is because we already fake enough stuff. For example, we pretend to be excited about things we don't care about. We pretend to not care about things we're excited about. We pretend to know about things we don't know about. We pretend to not know about things we actually do know about. We pretend to be busy on our phones when it's just the weather app. We pretend to be checking our calendars to see if we're available even when we know the calendar is fully empty. We pretend to shower every day, etc. So you can probably understand why it might be easier to just become confident instead of adding it on top of a long list of personality traits you have to fake. Luckily, the process to become more confident is actually pretty easy. This method has currently not been patched, and it actually does work. Step one is to identify where you are on the confidence scale. Now I just made up the scale, but let's say it spans from extreme levels of fear, self-doubt, and insecurity to all the way on the other side, which has overconfidence, arrogance, and entitlement. You obviously don't want to More confidence is not always better, and doubting yourself is not always a bad thing. You might assume then that the best place to be is in the middle, but it depends on what you value. If you value taking risks and moving fast, and you don't really worry about messing things up or making people mad, then you might prefer to be around here. If you value making safe, calculated decisions, and you want to avoid making enemies, and you want to avoid bad decisions, then you might prefer to be around here. But in general, society tends to reward people who are higher up on the confidence scale. Step two is figure out how you got to this point, because it takes a lot to move up or down the confidence scale. It doesn't just happen overnight. However old you are, you've spent that many years of your life talking to people, experiencing things, getting feedback, and adjusting your behavior based on how other people interact with you, and all of that has gotten you to this point. When you were born, you probably started off high on the scale because you had no reason to be insecure about anything. Even if you were an ugly baby, you wouldn't know it. You'd have no reason to feel insecure until eventually you grow up, and then other people start implanting negative thoughts into your brain. Maybe it's people running away from you, or giving you weird looks, or making fun of you, or telling you you're bad at something, or maybe you watch a video that makes you feel bad about yourself, and then maybe you have some embarrassing moments on top of that. And all that slowly builds up and moves you down the scale. You no longer believe you are capable of certain things. I can't be good at sports, I can't be attractive, I can't be funny, I can't be smart, I can't get people to like me, I can't do a pull-up, I can't code, I can't make friends, I can't resist junk food, I can't wake up early, I can't get any work done, I can't be a leader. And the more you keep thinking these things, the more true they become, and the more reason you have to keep thinking these things. Like if you think no one likes you, you're not even going to try to talk to people. And if you don't talk to people, no one will talk to you, which will reinforce the idea that no one likes you. And at this point, here are two methods you can use. The first one is reprogramming. If you're someone who likes math or technology, then this might make a lot of sense. It's actually a method that Maxwell Maltz came up with in a book called Psycho-Cybernetics. Basically the idea is that if you've been programmed with a negative self-image during your childhood, your mind's going to work like a machine to keep it that way. You think you can't do something, which makes you not do it, which provides evidence that you can't do it, which reinforces the belief that you can't do it. The solution is to literally go in at this step, reject this thought over and over, and visualize yourself doing the thing until eventually you believe you can do that thing. Now, if you haven't heard of the book before, that's because it's 65 years old and it's a little bit annoying to read. Reviewers call it repetitive, disorganized, too long, and not focused. But nevertheless, the advice actually works. Lucky for us, there's actually a full guide to the book that's both organized and condensed on an app called Shortform, today's sponsor. Shortform provides an expert summary and analysis for basically every non-fiction book you've ever wanted to read, and you have access to all of them whenever you want. It's been about one and a half years since I started using this app on my phone and my laptop, and nowadays whenever I want to learn about a topic, I just type it in here. This is actually how I discovered Psycho-Cybernetics, and it's also how I've been discovering books for the last year and a half, just because it's so easy. Once you're in, you can also make bookmarks, highlight, and take notes on the ideas in the book, so you can actually implement the advice in your own life. Right now, there are 33 categories of books to choose from, and by the time you read one guide, they've added five more. So if you want to try it yourself, right now you can sign up for their five-day free trial using the link shortform.com slash easyactually, which also gives you a 20% discount off the annual subscription. The link is down below. That's shortform.com slash easyactually. Back to the reprogramming method, if you paint a vivid picture in your mind of yourself successfully doing something, and you do that often, eventually you'll start believing you can do the thing, because you'll have confused your brain into thinking you've done it before. Once you believe you can do something, you'll actually start trying, and eventually you'll see some progress, which has more evidence for you to believe that you can do the thing. A common objection to this is, well, no matter how positive you think, you can't change being ugly or having a big nose. But actually, the same idea applies. If you're concerned about having a big nose, or whatever else there is to be concerned about in today's age, the core belief, and what is actually causing you to be unconfident, is, I can't be attractive. And you are using your big nose as evidence to support that theory. Well, in fact, the guy who wrote this book was actually a cosmetic surgeon, and he observed, from his experience, that there could be two people. Person A might have a big nose, and not even realize it, and be extremely successful. While Person B might have the same size nose, but obsess over how ugly it is, and use it as an excuse to withdraw from life. I'm talking a really big nose here, like, recognizably big. The thing is, let's say you have a big nose, and you're using that as evidence to support the idea that you can't be attractive. You can then go in, look at the cycle, and realize, wait, this isn't good evidence, because having a big nose does not mean you can't be attractive. Thousands, hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of people, have transcended this exact position before. They've been born with big noses, maybe even bigger than yours, and they've risen above their circumstances, and proved this statement wrong. So now, you can go into the programming of your brain, and delete that reasoning. That one time in second grade, where some kid called you ugly, you can delete that, because that kid was seven years old, and you were also seven years old. Eventually, after you're doing enough reprogramming, you'll naturally start believing in yourself, and that is confidence. Now, if that method sounds a little suspicious, there's another working method I found. It's actually from a Dr. K video, and it's called, Do Them Possible. Basically, make a list of small things that are technically possible for you to do, but you realistically just don't believe in your ability to do them. For example, I know it's technically possible for me to wake up at 4 30 a.m., but I can't do it, because every time I've tried, I've failed, it's too early, I'll be too tired, I'll go back to sleep, I'll have no willpower, blah blah blah. I know it's technically possible to run six miles, but I can't, because I always chicken out, and I don't feel like it right now, and it takes too much time, and the most I've run before, it's only four miles. I know it's technically possible to meet five new people today, but I can't, because most days, I meet zero new people. In fact, most days, I talk to zero people, and when I actually go outside, I'm just going to stand around and then go back home. Now, prove yourself wrong. Schedule a time to do each of those things, because even though it'll be hard, for me especially, the one with talking to five people, the reward is that you've now proven to yourself that you can do things that you didn't think you could do, and eventually, the next time you end up having to do something that seems impossible to you, especially in a social situation, you can go back and realize that you have done plenty of impossible things before. So, I hope that helped. I'm collecting donations in the form of subscribes to fund the next video.