How to Love An Avoidant Partner:6 Key Strategies

How to love and avoid a partner, six key strategies. Are you struggling with how best to love your avoidant partner? Perhaps you have a deep love and affection for them and connect really well on several levels. But when it comes to deepening the intimacy or making significant long-term plans, they tend to shut down, back off, or just go cold on you. And so as a result, you might find yourself wondering how to maintain a deep connection while respecting their need for space and autonomy. You might be hoping to understand the best ways to nurture your relationship while also fostering deeper emotional connections. Well, if you can relate to this, then this segment is for you. In it, we are going to explore practical strategies and insights for loving an avoidant partner, including what attracts avoidant partners and how what they want and need are sometimes two different things. The most important point I want to make is that giving space does not necessarily equate time and physical distance spent apart, but rather an energetic experience of emotional freedom. This point is so important because once you grasp it, your avoidant partners won't need space anymore. In fact, they'll want to spend more time with you. So be sure to grab a paper and pen and stick with me until the end because you do not want to miss this segment. So let's begin with defining avoidant attachment. Now, avoidant attachment is an attachment style characterized by a desire for emotional distance and independence in relationships. People with this attachment style often struggle with intimacy because they have learned to protect themselves from emotional vulnerability. This can make it really challenging for their partners who may desire deeper emotional connections to understand how best to love them. Now, an avoidant partner may value their independence and feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or dependency in a relationship. They might struggle with opening up and avoid discussing their feelings altogether. This attachment style often develops from early childhood experiences where emotional needs were not consistently met, leading to a preference for self-reliance and emotional distance. Now, if you'd like to learn more about the details of avoidant attachment, check out my video for Strengths of the Rolling Stone. So what attracts avoidant partners? So what attracts avoidant partners is a mix of what they both want and need. Now, if you were to ask someone with avoidant attachment what they want in a partner, they're likely to describe traits that they admire and would like to emulate themselves. So for example, they gravitate towards people who have their own lives and passions and reflect a partnership of two wholes, not two halves. They like partners who carry themselves with assurance because they're not looking for someone to complete them. They appreciate a partner who can manage their own affairs as it relieves the pressure to be each other's caretakers. They also prefer someone who communicates their needs directly and plainly, avoiding this dance of ambiguity or expectation, even though sometimes they shy away from being direct themselves because of a fear of confrontation. And lastly, they want someone who is emotionally in command of themselves, who navigates life's ups and downs with composure because it suggests a relationship free from too much emotional turmoil. Now, each of these qualities signals the potential for harmony in a relationship that respects their inherent need for space and self-determination with little to no conflict. While this might be what the avoidant partner consciously desires because it is what they admire, it is not always necessarily what they truly need. So in other words, what will catalyze them into growth? Now, absent from this list are the traits that would create enough distress that the avoidant partner is required to confront their own avoidance, that which prevents them from feeling truly and deeply connected and safe in love. Now, because of this suppression, they usually wind up attracting more anxious partners that express those suppressed emotions for them and experience significant chemistry with them even if they consciously find this emotional effusiveness and neediness off-putting. To learn more about these complex dynamics and how your emotional intensity could actually be the greatest gift that you could give your avoidant partner, check out my video, The Surprising Traits That Attract Avoidant Partners. If an avoidant partner's desires are not necessarily what they need, what do they need? So exploring what an avoidant partner needs requires first busting some common myths, such as avoidant partners lack emotional depth, avoidant partners only trust themselves, avoidant partners have too many strong boundaries, avoidant partners just need to be more emotionally honest. The truth is, rather than lacking emotional depth, avoidant partners have deep feelings that were suppressed due to a lack of opportunity for playfulness and creativity. A distrust of others demonstrates a lack of self-trust, making it challenging for avoidant partners to remain resilient and boundary in relationships, especially when facing conflicting situations. Instead of having too many boundaries, they actually have rigid but fragile boundaries due to this lack of self-connection and self-trust. And rather than simply needing to be more emotionally honest, avoidant partners need to develop active listening, empathy and validation skills to improve their communication and relationships. So what do avoidant partners need in order to heal? Well, in my experience, it includes four key components, playfulness and creativity, deeper self-trust, firm but flexible boundaries and improved communication skills. Now, if you wanna learn more about this, check out my more recent video, How to Heal Avoidant Attachment, four important steps. Now, most of the time, if you were to ask an avoidant partner what they need, they will tell you, I just need space. And they will define space primarily as physical space and time apart. But that's only because they don't know how to articulate and express what they really need, which is the emotional discipline required to experience more personal freedom in relationship. Now, you might be surprised to learn that when you embody the six key strategies that I am gonna share with you here today, your partner isn't going to need so much physical space or time apart from you. In fact, when they experience emotional freedom, they will want to be closer to you because they find it easier to be their authentic selves in your presence. You create enough space for that. And now they allow themselves to be more fully who they are in your presence. But let's back up a minute because I wanna explain this emotional freedom concept with you first. When your partner asks for space, it's because they want to shift something about how they feel in your presence. And a feeling is simply energy moving through your body. And so when you envision your ideal relationship, how do you want to feel with your partner? It usually boils down to one of two things, and that is safe or free. Some people need to feel safe before they can feel free. And that's usually the folks that have more anxious attachment. They crave that emotional security. For those with avoidant tendencies, it's the other way around. They need to feel emotional freedom first, and then they can feel safe. So when they ask for space, what they're really saying is, give me the emotional freedom so that I can feel safe with you. Emotional freedom is a degree of energetic intensity that you carry. So when you are with your partner, are you constantly evaluating how much attention they're paying to you? Are you ruminating about how you need a lot more than they seem to be capable of giving? Are you critically weighing the relationship against some standard in your head of what you think it should be instead of appreciating it for what it is? Are you strategizing your next move to make them love you more and get closer to them? Are you assuming that your happiness depends upon their approval and attraction to you? If so, you are experiencing and expressing a high degree of energetic intensity. Even if you are not saying it, your body language and your aura is vibrating with it. And that kind of energy fills up a space very fast, which is why you often hear avoidant partners saying things like they feel smothered. It's like they can sense that energy, and that is what I call emotional crowding. Now, on the other hand, do you have your own passions and pursuits? Can you parallel play with each other? Can you be in the room, the same room, and not be attending to each other all the time? Can you have fun in the moment and not hold it in comparison to what you think the moment should be or abandon it by jumping ahead to the future too quickly? So these are activities that create emotional and energetic calm. They create moments of rest, spaciousness in the relationship with an easy type of relaxed energy. And that's emotional space, which creates emotional freedom. And it invites them to move towards you, not away from you. So tapping into what I call soul-centered security allows both partners to feel safe and free. Because when your emotional anchor is your core spiritual self, you give both your partner and yourself room to breathe. So what is soul-centered security? Soul-centered security redefines attachment through a spiritual lens. So the conflicts that we face highlight the areas where we can be loving ourselves more and inviting in the love that we desire. So it reveals that our self-identity is just a fragment of our hugely expansive spirit, shaping whatever our earthly purpose might be. And that is distinct from our potential. So this is an approach that unravels our misconceptions and negative self-talk that stem from insecure attachment styles. And it encourages us to reconnect with the essence of who we are and our inherent worth. Now, in order to be soul-centered and secure, it does not mean that you can't be an anxious person. An anxious person is fully capable of accomplishing soul-centered security and providing emotional freedom for a partner. Because inhabiting your own soul-centered security is not about eliminating your anxiety. It's about changing your relationship to your anxiety. It's about creating healthy boundaries around it and embracing your anxiety as a teacher in your life and learning how to acknowledge and meet the needs that your anxiety is trying to show you. And so when you have this type of loving relationship towards your own anxiety, that's a degree of emotional discipline. And so avoidant partners can start to feel free around someone who is emotionally disciplined because that is what they are actually needing to learn for themselves. So when you have this sense of soul-centered security, avoidant partners don't need to take space from you. In fact, they will want to spend more time with you because you make it safe for them to come out of their shell and you show them how to do it without losing themselves or attempting to dominate others. So how do we accomplish this soul-centered security? To learn more about this, I recommend that you check out my video, The ACEs Framework, Making Anxious Avoidant Relationships Work. So let's dive into our six key strategies for the best way to love your avoidant partner. Each one of these indicates that you have achieved a certain degree of soul-centered security within yourself. And now you are able to share that in the context of a relationship. So number one, be consistent. Consistency means that you know what you want and you are not changing your stance based on what your partner wants. This builds trust and it shows that you have a solid sense of self, which is important to avoidant partners who value authenticity and stability. This doesn't mean that you are inflexible or you are not open to compromise, but you are consistent in your standards and your expectations for things like mutual respect and taking personal accountability. Secondly, develop a capacity to self-validate. Know your value and your worth without seeking excessive external validation. Avoidant partners appreciate it when you are self-assured and do not rely upon them for validation. You want to adopt the idea that my needs are valid no matter what and I honor them no matter what. This fosters a sense of self-acceptance and it helps you avoid becoming over-reliant on your partner for validation and affirmation. Now, this doesn't mean that you shouldn't want, desire, or appreciate validation in relationships. You would be well-served to choose a partner that is validating. But when you desperately need it as opposed to want and appreciate it, that creates a degree of emotional intensity that infringes on emotional freedom in partnership. Next, know your boundaries. So you want to set clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. Avoidant partners respect strength and they are likely to test your boundaries to see what kind of metal you are made of. By demonstrating a backbone while also showing some vulnerability, you can earn their respect while creating a balanced relationship for yourself. Have your own passions. Pursue your own hobbies and interests, which not only keep you engaged, but also makes you more attractive to your partner. You want to have your own pursuits because that indicates that you have a vibrant inner life and personal vitality. And that is very attractive and appealing to someone who values independence. Adopt an accepting instead of critical attitude. You want to express your needs without judgment or criticism. You want to accept your partner as they are rather than trying to change them or read negative assumptions into their actions. This is a nonjudgmental attitude and it's going to help your partner feel seen for who they are and make them more likely to open up emotionally. And finally, be discerning. While being nonjudgmental, you also want to practice discernment and say no when it's needed. This shows that you are not a doormat, but rather someone who makes thoughtful decisions about where to invest your time and energy. Being discerning creates a sense of challenge and intrigue in the relationship, indicating that you are choosing your partner, not settling for what's available. Because remember, your yeses truly mean nothing without your nos. Now, these key recommendations can help you create a loving and balanced relationship with your avoidant partner while maintaining your own sense of self and well-being. So taking these strategies into consideration, how can we start to feel more soul-centered and secure? Well, many of my clients have undeniable strengths when they come to me. They are deeply attuned to their partners. They have deep, profound empathy and capacity for connection. They are compassionate and caring, and they are committed and dedicated. Yet these brilliant, witty, and successful individuals still find themselves waiting around for a secure relationship to materialize before they will allow themselves to fully engage in life. Or if they're already in a relationship, they become fixated on this idea of self-improvement, hoping to inspire change in a partner so that they can finally be happy. Now, I realize these six recommendations might sound great, but they are not meant to be another standard of perfection that you are going to beat yourself up over. So let me reassure you, you don't have to wait around to start feeling fulfilled or rely solely upon a partner to make you happy. Now, my course, Healing Attachment Wounds, introduces you to a fun and creative three-phase transformational process across seven steps, which is designed to help you adopt this soul-centered security in your life. So this course really offers a powerful process that can begin to enhance your attachment security in as little as seven weeks. Even if you just skim through the lectures or the workbook, the experiential activities are enough to help you turn on the light in understanding that connection to your core spiritual self again. Traditional talk therapy can help you understand problems better, but understanding alone does not always lead to significant change. If understanding equated transformation, then you'd likely already be living your dream relationship. Now, often therapy can leave you feeling stuck, discussing your anxieties without really progressing past them. And that is because attachment wounds are deep emotional energetic blockages that cannot be navigated through thought and verbal articulation alone. They have to be felt and experienced on the body level. Now, after engaging with my trademark method for healing attachment wounds, you will find yourself feeling more embodied and ceasing to tell these old painful stories that you have identified with in the past. You'll embrace a compassionate attitude towards yourself and others, igniting a life that truly excites you from your core. Now, if this sounds good to you, I invite you to join me for a free introductory training, which you can access through the link attached to this video. In this introduction, I'm gonna show you how I attracted soul-shaking love without years of endless therapy and no, I had not totally healed from all my insecurity and doubt when I met my partner. And I also didn't force myself to wait and take it slow. You'll also learn the three biggest and unconscious mistakes that I have made and so many of my clients have made that used to sabotage my relationships every single time and kind of kept me in a spin cycle of doing all the right things with no real change to show for it. I wanna share some testimonials with you from folks that have taken my course and experienced radical changes. I was very much looking at stopping unhealthy patterns that I've been repeating all my life in intimate relationships. Yes, I have been married for about nine years now, been with my husband for 15 and we were going through a real rough patch of stuff. I know what's going on. I just can't, why can't I feel the way I want to feel? There was an exercise where you have us actually do a relationship timeline. Looking at the emotions, looking at where they are, looking at the colors, looking, that helped me know what I actually felt. Number one, I gained validation because I felt like I was going crazy. Why I was doing things the way I did it was so enlightening to me because everything else I had tried to figure things out on was like, okay, so this happens, you should do this. But it never told me why, and I'm a why person. In the past seven weeks, the people that have known me have definitely seen a big change in me. It is definitely worth the investment. And I'm somebody who's been in therapy for four years. Like this is hands down the most helpful course I've ever done. So to discover how you can experience soul-centered security in your relationships and live a more fulfilling life, remember to click that link attached to this video and sign up for our free introductory training today. In today's segment, we delved into effective strategies for nurturing a relationship with an avoidant partner and the complex dynamics of what avoidant partners seek versus what they truly need. A crucial takeaway is this concept of soul-centered security where giving space translates not into physical distance, but into an energetic realm of emotional freedom. This understanding can shift your relationship, encouraging avoidant partners to seek more closeness rather than distance as they learn to navigate their emotions without overwhelm or withdrawal. Now, this transformative approach is accessible even to those who feel anxious as it focuses on refining your own relationship to your anxiety, emphasizing self-acceptance, discernment and love, and personal integrity over external validation. And so by embracing our inherent worth and making empowered choices, you cultivate a state of self-love that naturally rejects incompatible relationships. Now, if you're ready to explore how to achieve this soul-centered security and foster those deeply fulfilling relationships in your life, again, I invite you to join the free introductory training for my course, Healing Attachment Wounds. You can catch it through the link attached to this video. Thank you for joining me here today for this video. I would love it if you would share your thoughts and questions in the comments. I value your feedback and take it into careful consideration when making more content like this. Wishing you a wonderful week ahead.