Can I Be The First To Beat This Massive Eating Challenge?

A couple months ago, I was presented the opportunity of a lifetime to be the first person to ever attempt this massive eating challenge at a restaurant. I said no because I've been eating a lot healthier recently, but approximately 10 minutes later, I said yes because I have no self-control. The restaurant is Bearden's, my hometown of Rocky River, Ohio, and it's called the Grizzly Bear Challenge. To complete the challenge, you must eat eight cheeseburger patties on two buns, a mound of onion rings, a mound of fries, and a milkshake with the flavor of your choice. If you complete all this in under 20 minutes, your meal is free and you get put on the wall of fame. If you don't complete this in under 20 minutes, you have to pay for your meal and you get put on the wall of shame. Will I be able to complete this challenge? Will I be the first one to be on the wall of fame or the first to be on the wall of shame? And am I going to be alive after doing this? Obviously, the answer is yes because I'm recording this after the video, but just like. Now you can't just show up to an eating challenge and eat. It takes more work than that. And I might be a professional dumbass, but one thing I also am. Also, I had diarrhea about a half hour ago, so I'm not feeling great. Is a moron. But another thing I also am is a meal prepper. So leading up to this challenge that's completely unnecessary, I implemented an eight-step plan to make sure I'm as prepared as possible. Step one, do not eat anything for breakfast. Damn it. Step number two, run four miles in like 95 degree heat. We'll take it. Dude, I better be so hungry later. Otherwise, none of this is going to be worth it. So I'm feeling a little queasy right now. Yesterday, we went to New York and back to eat at a pizza shop. I just ate terribly yesterday and I'm paying the price for it today. Very on-brand move by me. Step three, bridge rehab and performance in Westlake. Another workout. I'm really going to get hungry today. Step four, watch my friends eat at a diner and I will not eat. Look at you guys, oh, enjoying your meals. Oh, look at me. Hey man, you're about to have a big burger. Don't worry about it. I'm f*****. I was not hungry before, but after watching Matt and Eric eat a bunch of really good diner food, I am very hungry. Step five, walk the dogs. You guys want to go for a walk? Oh, good idea, Augie. I should probably do the same here soon. I'm on, I think, step six right now. I'm not sure. I'm just going to run a mile as fast as I can because I feel like I need to get hungrier. It's spring time. Spring thing time. Oh, it sucks. It's so hot too. I'm going to be eating. This is a bad decision. It's a great one. It's so good. End workout. Step number seven is to take a giant dump. We already did. And step number eight is to watch guys' grocery games and watch them make really good food. Ah! Am I still queasy? Yes. But am I hungry? Not really. After my eight-step plan was finished, I was as prepared as humanly possible to completely negate any efforts physically I did today. I then met Bill in our hometown at Bearden's, which has been an institution there since 1948. I had diarrhea about a half hour ago. And for my subscribers who think I'm really old, aka Unc, that was five years before I was born. Just kidding. Being a legendary local spot as this place is, it is my honor and also my privilege to be the first one to ever try to complete this challenge. I met up with Stephen, the GM of Bearden's, who organized all of this. Hi, I'm nervous. Nervous? I just feel like it's, I'm going to have to pay for, I brought my wallet. And they let me back in the kitchen to watch him cook. Let him cook. I pose a serious risk any time I'm back in a kitchen. See seasons 21 and 22 of Worst Cooks in America for reference. It's going to be over two pounds of meat. The burgers here looked absolutely delicious. It was so cool to see all of these burgers made for all the customers and the rest, wait, those are all for me? All those burgers on the grill were, they were for me? Glory to God. Did I forget what I signed up for? I sure did. They call this the grizzly bear challenge. After I'm done with it, I'm about to look like this bear. According to my calculations, aka just like looking it up online, the amount of food I would have to consume in under 20 minutes to complete this challenge is in between 4,000 and 5,000 calories. I'm not really sure what the conversion would be in kilometers, but I just want to emphasize to my international audience that that is a lot of food. One of the employees came in on his off day to see me do the challenge and he predicted I would eat half of it. And I appreciate him for being a half full kind of guy. I myself, however, am planning on being a full, full kind of guy. You're welcome for the free comedy. Without further ado, the 20 minute timer went off and I officially became the first person to ever attempt the grizzly bear challenge. Thank you very little. My strategy was this, and yes, I had a strategy, kind of. I've competed in a hot dog eating contest that would have qualified me for the official July 4th hot dog eating contest if I were good at eating contests, but I'm not. But I did learn from my friend and competitive eater, Nick Weary, that the best thing to do is to separate the meat from the bones. The way you do this is you want to hold your meat and condense your meat and then eat your meat without your buns. This exposes your buns and allows you to just focus on inhaling your meat as quickly as possible. Once that producer's talking to me, what? The audience thinks this is inappropriate? They think what I'm saying is inappropriate? Guys, this is a family show. Get your minds out of the gutter right now. I mean, come on. Intercourse. Eating eight burger patties like they were an apple was definitely not on my bingo card, which would be a very stupid thing to have on a bingo card, nor did I ever think I would do it. But here I am doing it. Since this is the very first thing I've consumed today, I really enjoyed that flavor. We'll see how long that lasts, because again, I'm eating an absurdly sized ball of beef and cheese. At this time, I'd like to shout out Bill behind the camera for not completely gagging or throwing up this entire time, as well as during any of my other stupid eating challenges. I cannot say the same thing for me. That is foreshadowing for the end of the video, and no, I'm not showing myself doing it. I'm just letting you know that at some point I'm going to throw up. Three minutes into the 20-minute challenge, I had made good progress on the beef cheese ball and was on a pretty good pace. I wasn't worried about the amount of time. I felt like 20 minutes was plenty of time. I was worried, though, about the storage. You see, usually I have a lot of iCloud storage, but I ran out of that and I forgot to purchase more before doing this challenge. A few minutes later, the eight cheeseburger patties were deleted, and with my biggest obstacle out of the way, I was sitting pretty with a little over 14 minutes to go. Which sitting pretty is probably the wrong terminology here, because I just stood up and also I looked disgustingly ugly. More than usual, am I right? My next plan of attack was to go after those buns. I soaked my buns and got them wet to be easier to take down. I gobbled up these buns very quickly, and before I knew it, the entire burger besides the lettuce and tomato components were completely vanished. And hey, that water looks dangerous. Also, I want to apologize right now. I am so sorry for how horrifying this footage looks. I genuinely did not know how bad it was until I watched it back, and if I'm feeling discomfort looking at it, I can only imagine anybody else. So sorry if you have a sensitive stomach. Thanks for watching this. If you want to close your eyes at any point, fine by me. My next plan of attack was improvised because I didn't think I would get this far, and I actually was feeling pretty good. I mean, not like great, but relatively great. I decided on eating the mound of onion rings and would do so by soaking them in water to get the grease off of them, making them easier to consume. Steven and company were looking onward at me, and they were probably thinking of how impressed they were that I was doing this. Oh, sorry. He actually said that part out loud. And before I knew it, 12 minutes were gone, and I only had eight left to go. Wait, where did the time go? I feel like a slightly out of shape sitcom dad that spends too much time watching football and playing poker with his neighbors and doesn't really acknowledge his kids until they're about to graduate high school. Because again, I'm not really sure where the time went. That was a really hyper specific and niche bit. Thanks for following along. I was ahead for a little bit, but now I feel like I got to play catch up. Ooh, catch up. That sounds good. I consumed those onion rings really quickly, which was even surprising to me. Someone who doesn't really get surprised a lot because I do a lot of stupid things. The amount of fries is bigger than the amount of onion rings, and I had consumed a lot of greasy food just now, as most of you probably know, because you just watched the video unless you're one of those people that I just told to close their eyes. So to take a break from the fast food, I then focused on deleting the milkshake. My flavor of choice for this milkshake was the Oreo milkshake flavor, which in hindsight, maybe a plain vanilla milkshake would have been better for my intestinal line. Oreo milkshake probably wasn't the best decision, but then again, do I make great decisions on here? No. I chugged that Oreo milkshake like it was my first drink of my 21st birthday makes absolutely no sense. I'm not sure why I said that I graduated from the high school in this town a very long time ago. If you had told me my job would be to come to Bearden's and do this challenge, I would have called you. I would have said you're probably accurate. You're actually correct. And before I knew it, the only thing between me and being the first person to complete the grizzly bear challenge was a mound of fries as well as a lettuce and tomato because those didn't really sound appetizing, but mostly the mound of fries. I have to have fries. That's all I have to have. The issue is there are a lot of fries. They were very generous. These, these, Stephen was very generous. With six and a half minutes to go, I got more water to dunk my fries in, which kind of made sense because it gets the grease off. So in theory, that's easier to consume, but also you're getting like the salt and the flavoring off the fries. So, and that makes it harder to consume as I don't know what's going on. And my body at this point had hit flavor fatigue, which again, as a refresher is getting sick of eating the same thing over and over and over again. I've learned to power through this exact discomfort during a lot of my eating challenges in the past. So despite hitting a wall right now, like a go-kart driver with astigmatism, I worked my way slowly, but surely through the mound of fries. Drinking water was good to clean my system out and I was feeling relatively good until I gagged. I got to at least take a time out. And I don't know about you guys, but that's not really a great sign for completing an eating challenge. I'd argue that it actually is the worst sign. In some miracle though, I kept eating. I wasn't going to let this discomfort prevent me from being on the wall of fame. Plus being on the wall of shame and paying for this meal would be really bad for my brand as somebody who eats food for a living. With under three minutes left as my mound of fries were stuck in a cup of water. That is disgusting. I got another cup of water so I can move around a little. And also because I've heard that water is good for you and nothing I'm doing today is good for me. The full feeling I had from consuming all the food I've had so far definitely was compounding and it was starting to get more and more uncomfortable. And as I fed myself more and more negative thoughts, I also fed myself fewer and fewer fries. Ooh, write that down. Bars. That clock was working against me, but I couldn't give up yet. Just kidding. There was a minute left or so on the clock and I definitely conceded. Thank you. All right. Get me on that wall of shame. Let's go. Bill thinks I ate and completed about 95% of the grizzly bear challenge. You can be the judge for yourself. I was proud though for my efforts today, but sadly participation trophies don't mean anything and it's time for me to be on the wall of shame. And as Steven took my post challenge mugshot and asked me to clean up my mess. Wait, I'm, wait, I'm paying for all of this. I'm paying for this. I'm paying for doing work. There's like laws against that. My time here was up and it would be a little bit of time before they got the wall of fame and the wall of shame set up, although I don't, you don't really need to set the wall of fame up right now. I don't know. I obviously wasn't there. Okay. So it's been about a couple of months. They finally have the wall of fame, which doesn't matter by the way. And the wall of shame, which does matter, uh, up right now. So I'm going to see my dumb ass face on the wall of shame for the first time. So we came back to Bearden's right when we heard they had gotten everything set up. I don't want to look. It's okay. I think it's over here somewhere. The wall of shame with my loser mugshot will forever be displayed at this burger joint. Oh, that's awesome. I hope this stays here forever. The first thing that everybody's going to see when they walk in is this dumb ass. Dude, my parents came in here the other day and they're like, what the hell are you doing at Bearden's? I was like, Oh my God, I forgot. Thank you very much to Bearden's for the nourishment. You can always come here by the way and have a modest amount of food and also have a great meal. Or you could be the first person on the wall of fame or join me on the wall of shame. How'd it go? My friend Matt from cool guys who I was with earlier was kind enough to check on me after the challenge to see how I did. Thanks for coming by. Yeah, I'm bummed. I missed it. I was swimming at the pool and then I was like, Oh shoot. I like gagged a couple of times, but like I didn't throw up, uh, which is not true by the way. Because two hours after failing the grizzly bear challenge, literally within the first five minutes of recording our podcast, I had to go to completely throw everything up. Isn't this the first eating challenge he's done where he's like, it's been timed. Yeah, it was 20 minutes. I'm gonna go throw up. Keep talking. So in case you were wondering, eating 5,000 calories of food and under 20 minutes is a terrible idea, but if you want to try and do it, be my guest. I just, I don't think I'm built for it.