From Heartache to Hope: Mother Trusts Christ in Aftermath of Son’s Suicide - Wende Gaikema

Wendy Gaikama is a leadership coach living in Raleigh, North Carolina, married to Jeff for 35 years. Mother of three sons, two are living, one is in heaven. Wendy and Jeff lost their 22-year-old son Matthew to suicide three months before he was to graduate from Texas A&M University. Wendy has written a book, From Heartache to Hope, Navigating the Choices in Your Suicide Loss Journey, in which she shares that you didn't have a choice that someone you loved died by suicide, but you do have a choice in how you respond. Unbelievably powerful words. This is the CounterCulture Mom Show. I'm your host, Tina Griffin. Suicide prevention is the theme of the week. I'm with Wendy Gaikama, founder of Coach Wendy. Wendy, how are you doing today? I am great, Tina. I'm so glad to be with you. This is such an important conversation, and so it's a thrill to be with you. Thank you for saying yes, but I will tell you, I am grief-stricken over your story. I had about 40 or 50 of you lined up in a row for taping, forgetting that you were who you are, and I was looking over your show notes. I'm like, oh my gosh, this traumatic situation, and then seeing your diligence, your mission on making sure that your son's memories live on and more lives are spared and saved as a result of you saying yes to God and talking about this traumatic, horrific ordeal. I don't even know what to call it because I can't even imagine. Let's just go back to leading up to who Matthew was as a kid. Were there any signs and symptoms, and then the day that you, I'm assuming, got a call that something happened? Yes, yes. Matt was a smart kid. He was a learner. He loved to read. He had a great sense of humor, made the whole family and friends laugh. He loved solving programming problems and things like that, and so he was studying applied math and computer science at Texas A&M and had a software engineer in Silicon Valley when he graduated. We had no idea that this was coming. We literally were totally blindsided by this. We had had some anxiety, but nothing that seemed, and he had gotten some help for it, but nothing that was significant. He had never talked about suicide or anything, so this totally caught us off guard. We got a phone call on a Sunday morning from his roommates in college saying he was unresponsive, and we jumped in the car and started driving, and then on the road, we were on the highway on the way to Texas A&M, and I got a phone call from the Texas A&M police, and they said, you need to come to the police station, and it was just like, oh, like you just knew, because if he was alive, I'd be going to his apartment, I'd be going to the hospital. I wouldn't be going to the police station, and they wouldn't tell me anything else than that, but I mean, I just had the sense, and in that moment, I had this... It was like flashing awareness, like he's gone. I felt like the Lord saying, you're picking up a very heavy load, but I am with you, and I had a sense of a... It's like a white pipe, like a conduit pipe, and the more of me and my flesh that was in that pipe, the less of God's glory was going to flow through it, and so he really wanted him to get the glory, and I also had the sense that I was supposed to speak at his service, and all of that was in a moment, and then we keep driving, and we end up at Texas A&M's police station, and indeed, that's where we got the news. I mean, it's easily, without question, the worst day of your life. Wow. I really can't imagine what you're going through, and what you went through, and what you're still going through right now. It is a parent's worst nightmare, I would expect. I think the thing that really kills me is every life is precious, but the fact that he was your outgoing kid, full of life and energy, life of the party, and how he was... Obviously, Satan is all about kill, steal, and destroy, so Satan got a hold of his mind and his heart to lie to him where he believed the lies. It kills me because... Well, that's a story for a different day, but I can see how Satan goes after the kids that seem to be the life of the party, and really outgoing, and full of life. Did you hear anything from his roommates where they said, hey, he was doing great up until two or three months ago, and then we saw him start to slide on grades, or say negative things about himself, or he had a breakup with a girlfriend, or he started drinking. Were there any outward signs that his roommates later told you that were different or stood out? Yeah, we realized he was breaking up with his girlfriend, which we didn't realize, and we also didn't realize that he would make that kind of a choice. We had actually talked to each of our kids, and talked specifically about suicide at some point, and just said, it's never your best option. God always has a way out. He always has more for you, but yeah, we were really surprised. When you guys went to the police station, and they walked you through the process, and they told you what had happened, you already had a sense of peace from God, or the thoughts from the Lord on the drive to the university that he was gone, and you immediately thought you'd be speaking at his funeral. Did you end up sharing at his share? I did speak at his service, and that was a week later. I had a real conviction that we were supposed to be open, that it was suicide, and not pretend, because I felt the sense from the Lord that so many people struggle with this, and that people would be helped if we were open about it. We chose to be open about what it was. First of all, I said, the club is a parent you never want to be part of. I talked about grieving with hope. I talked about how the depth of the grief is so raw, and bitter, and painful, but as it says in 1 Thessalonians 4, we don't grieve as people without hope. We talked about the depth of the grief, but the certainty of the hope. I said, Matt's hope had a name, and it's Jesus. I am certain that while I am separated now from Matt, I will be with him forever. Actually, I put in the book, I shared what I put at the service just because I wanted it to be an encouragement to other people. Phenomenal. Your book, From Heartache to Hope, Navigating the Choices in Your Suicide-Lost Journey. Everybody has to get it now. Suicide is one of the top killers with our young people today, college students, teenagers, you name it. It's five stars, so it's probably going to be gut-wrenching and full of hope here, is what I'm guessing here. You went out swinging hard here. From Heartache to Hope, Navigating the Choices in Your Suicide-Lost Journey. You can find it on Amazon and Wendy's website. Wendy, how did your other two boys take the news, and how are they coping today with what happened to their brother? Yeah, that's a great question because losing someone to suicide, it's like there's emotional shrapnel that just goes through the family. It just impacts everybody. It obviously impacted his siblings. It was hard. He was the oldest. They look up to him. They've both done a lot of counseling, and that's been incredibly helpful. I won't lie and say it was easy because it wasn't. It's really gut-wrenching. It's hard because you're suddenly dealing with something that as a teen or as a young adult, your peers don't know what to say. Adults don't know what to say, let alone young adults and teens. They don't know how to respond. I think it's a very isolating place as a young adult or teen to lose a sibling because you feel alone. You're grief-stricken. Your family is totally turned upside down, and what do you do? It's really hard. Yet, it's such a real thing because sadly, suicide is the second biggest cause of death among people 10 to 34. Yeah, I mean, it's really tragic. It's really tragic. The wild thing is, too, I know your brains don't fully develop. Our brains don't fully develop until mid-20s. A good amount of suicides, too, people, from what I've heard, just meeting other people of survivors who attempted or family members of people that have taken their lives or close friends, is they don't fully think of the ramifications of taking their life. They just take it because they want immediate relief and never want to feel the pain of whatever's happening. Yet, they don't realize that they will get through it. Somehow, they will get through it with God, but I just can't imagine. His roommates that I'm assuming discovered him, did they also go through counseling? Yes. Yes. I mean, because it's so traumatic. I encouraged all of them to go through counseling. I encouraged his girlfriend. I just said, you've got to get help. This is too big of a thing to think that you're going to be able to process it on your own. I couldn't have gone through this without counseling. I mean, really wise Christian counseling was incredibly important. I firmly believe it. I'm at a loss of words. We're going to go to commercial break. When we come back, once again, thank you for sharing your raw and real story. We're going to talk about a couple of other critical things parents will watch out for, the hope and healing process, and so much more. Hang tight. We'll be back in two seconds with Wendy right after this. The culture is coming hard after our kids, so it's imperative we arm them with truth. That's why I love Acts and Facts, a totally free creation science magazine from the Institute for Creation Research. It's packed with jaw-dropping science that lines up with scripture. We're talking dinosaurs, DNA, fossils, astronomy, geology, evidence that points straight to our creator. It's written by real scientists in a way your kids and you can understand. In addition, it talks about all the upcoming events happening at the Discovery Center, including their dinosaur dig each summer in Montana. I've been getting this magazine in my mailbox for years, and we have thoroughly enjoyed it. Get your free subscription now by going to icr.org forward slash tina and sign up, or just scan the QR code on the screen. That's icr.org forward slash tina. Once again, this magazine is free, it's faith-building, and it will establish a biblical foundation. We all know how critical sleep is, yet I've had major sleep issues for years. I just discovered WaveWatch, and I'm finally sleeping through the night. The WaveWatch is a wearable device that delivers hundreds of sound frequencies throughout your body, supporting your body's natural systems. Did you know that each living thing vibrates at a unique frequency? And modern research shows nerve impulses may actually be sound-based. The WaveWatch emits gentle sound waves through your wrist that can help reduce physical discomfort, boost circulation, improve focus, support immune function, and enhance sleep quality. So if you're ready to move from fatigue and fog to clarity and calm, go to wavewatch.com, use code tina at checkout, and get a hundred dollars off. That's code tina for a hundred dollars off at wavewatch.com. No pills, no supplements, but 146 specialized frequency sets to combat your biggest health issues. Try it risk-free and feel the difference. Wendy, I was going to skip this question, but you told me during commercial break, there is a reason more than just the loss of your son of why you wrote this phenomenal book. Once again, everybody, it's entitled From Heartache to Hope, Navigating the Choices in Your Suicide-Lost Journey, five-star on Amazon. You can also get on her fantastic website, coachwendy.com. Just click on From Heartache to Hope, the link right there, and you can grab a copy of that book today. Grab a boxful, number two killer among our youth and college students in America. Grab a boxful, take it to church, put it in the bathrooms, leave it as a gift for everybody who has been impacted in some way, shape, or form with suicide. Satan is all about killing, stealing, and destroying. We want to give life, like Christ said, and he wants us to have it to the full. We want to make sure we are a culture of life, not death. What are some other reasons you wrote this phenomenal book besides the loss of your son? Sadly, I had a dear friend who lost her husband to suicide. In walking alongside her, as well as, sadly, some others, I was looking for a resource that was really practical, that dealt with the actual questions, not just sharing lots of sad stories, but like, here are the things you wrestle with. Then I also wanted something that had scripture, that pointed people to the Lord for hope, but was manageable, bite-sized. I couldn't find anything. Then I had a sense that the Lord was nudging me that I was supposed to write it. There was a bit of a wrestle there because I was like, no, no. Anyway, I was like, I want to be obedient to him, even if I don't feel this feels really hard. There we have it. He guided me and helped me write the book. Was the book, in writing that, the process of it also healing to you as you were writing it out, knowing it was going to help a bunch of people and it helped you get your thoughts and process what you went through? Yes, it really was. At times, it was hard because there was things that I, maybe healing that I had had and questions that I wasn't dealing with now, but that I did then. It opened it up and just went through that. I had to go through that with the Lord, but it was healing. Since then, we actually facilitate, my husband and I facilitate retreats through a ministry called While We're Waiting. It's a ministry for parent loss and they have free retreats, faith-based retreats for parents that have lost a child. They're specific suicide loss retreats. As we just did one earlier this year, you realize the questions that are in this book are really the questions that people are dealing with. There's questions around, is God good? Why did this happen? How do I deal with blame and anger? People say really stupid things and how do I handle it? All these. This is the really practical stuff that's in the book. It's a no-brainer. Everybody's got to get their hands on this book because so many people are dealing with it. Suicidal attempts, kids with depression, anxiety, adults with the same issues from heartache to hope. Grab a copy today. Get it at coachwende.com. This is the reason why I want to ask these following questions for everybody tuning in right now. A lot of times, if we know someone lost someone to suicide, we don't know what to say. Are we going to say the wrong thing? Should we get involved? Should we not? I would say yes, get involved. Yes, love on these people. Yes, pray for them, but do more than just pray. Get active. Get involved. You can share what you think from your personal perspective. This is why I'm going to ask the following questions so we can fully understand at a deeper level everything that a person is going through when they lose a loved one to suicide. As a parent, it's traumatic to have your child die no matter what the cause, but what are the additional struggles that you faced because you lost your child to suicide? Yeah, and suicide is considered complicated grief because it really is. I've lost a parent to cancer, grandparents to cancer, and this was nothing like that. Parents, you're dealing with so many other layers that people aren't aware of. There's the layer of why because we don't get an answer to that. Our brains want this story that all makes sense, and suicide doesn't really give us this. We can't fully understand it. There's shame and blame. You can replay conversations, wonder what you missed, regret. We were going to go to College Station the following week. What if we had gone the week earlier? Would that have made a difference? These kinds of things. There's the stigma, so people don't know what to say, so some people just ignore you. Then there's the grief of the what-if grief. I'll never get to see him graduate. I'll never get to see him get married. I'll never get to see him having kids. It's all of that. It's the why, the blame, the regret, the loneliness, the what-if. It is all those things that make it just a hard road for people. If you're a busy mom like me juggling kids, home life, and everything in between, you know healthcare is a huge decision. What's worked for me and my family for over a decade? MediShare. Over the years, I've had all four of my kids with MediShare, gone through two major surgeries, and never once stressed about the bills being paid. MediShare is affordable, saving us up to 50% compared to other healthcare options, and I love knowing our money never ends up supporting things that don't align with our values. MediShare offers 24-7 access to telehealth services as well. Have a sick kid in the middle of the night? Not a problem. They've got your back. So if you're looking for healthcare that fits your family and your values, I can't recommend MediShare enough. Call today at 1-866-88-BIBLE, and be sure to mention Counterculture Mom when you enroll. That's 1-866-88-BIBLE, and join the thousands of families like mine who found healthcare that truly cares about what matters most. Did you know that the average child asks over 200 questions a day? That's exactly why Lauren Holland created Tiny Revival, a faith-based children's clothing brand that brings Bible stories to life right on your kid's PJs, play attire, and blankets. Tiny Revival makes one-of-a-kind, faith-inspired fashion that's buttery soft and ethically produced by fair wage partners. Every design begins with original watercolor artwork, then becomes a meaningful piece your child can wear, love, and learn from. And the best part? Each purchase supports the fight against human trafficking. From the best-selling Noah's Ark romper to the David and Goliath PJs, these pieces don't just look beautiful, they spark real conversations about faith. If you want something meaningful, ethical, and created from a mother's heart, visit tinyrevival.com and use code TINA at checkout for an exclusive discount. Again, get a great deal using code TINA at tinyrevival.com. Tiny Revival. Every thread of The Counterculture Ministries team put our heads together and created the Pop Culture Purge Tour. This event can be a half-a-day, full-day, or two-day event loaded with eye-opening, life-changing speakers who have survived or experienced some of the most wild situations in life and are on fire to share their stories. We have people on our speaking team talking about the satanic symbolism, sexual abuse, and sex trafficking, the public school pipeline to Planned Parenthood, that one's a showstopper, a gifted singer-songwriter who has a workshop entitled From Me, Me, Me to Christ in Me, a former news anchor reporter talking about mainstream media madness, another woman who's a mother of nine and business owner talking about the education indoctrination, an ex-alcoholic and people pleaser, my dear husband who's talking about identity crisis, a former homosexual now pastor, a pro-life activist giving her abortion reversal success story, and so much more. If you want more info on this life-saving tour, text the word tour to the number 55444. Once again, tour to the number 55444 to get info on all the different speakers that are available and contact Christy on our team to book an event in your city, town, or backwoods. We've been all over the place from schools to prisons to cruise ships. Let's do this. Many of us may know someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. We talk about that in the program. We don't know what to say, how to help. What advice would you give to someone trying to support a friend or family member who has experienced suicide loss? Just listen. You're not trying to fix. You're not trying to problem solve. You're not. You're just there to let them talk and let, and you can, they may, they might want to share memories about their loved one because suddenly then people, everybody stops talking about them. And so they might actually, they might want to talk about it. Don't ask, how can I help? Because they're pretty overwhelmed. It is the hardest thing they've ever gone through in their life. They have no idea how you can help. But just think what's practical. They need food. People brought us meals. People grocery shopped for me because the first time I went to the grocery store, I saw all Matt's favorite foods and I cried. I couldn't buy anything. So friends grocery shopped, friends took, you know, they picked up kids, they did errands for us. Things like that were incredibly practical and helpful and met us exactly where we needed. And then the other thing to realize is that it doesn't stop. It's not like just the first week and then, oh, you have the service and then everybody's back to normal. Like your friend who's lost, they need you with them in this. It's a long game. It makes complete sense. Everybody out there, coach Wendy, check out our website, coachwendy.com. Learn more about her story, bring her in to speak. Wendy, thank you again for everything you brought to this program. You've been such a blessing for saying yes to God in the midst of you not even for sure having confirmation if your son was still on the earth or not, but he's looking down from you and he's very, very proud of what you're working on. So don't let Satan ever have a foothold and trying to stop you from moving forward to save more lives. Thank you so much, Tina. Thank you for this space and time. I really enjoyed the conversation and I really pray for anyone listening to be just turning toward the Lord in their pain because he longs to help you. Absolutely. And if Satan's after you and you even have that thought in your head, that means you've got gold. Like I was saying in the series, there is something major God has planned for you and Satan wants to try to wipe you out so you don't have a chance to experience it. Say hell no to Satan and yes to God and go get them. Keep at it, people. Wendy, keep up the excellent work. Thank you, Tina, and you as well.