How I Created a Home That Feels Safe Again.

I know that right now I'm maintaining a level of minimalism that seems a little extreme, a little bizarre, maybe even a little unnatural. I've seen the comments like your house isn't cozy, it doesn't feel lived in. And the questions too about what do the kids think, which I will absolutely answer. But what's interesting, if we've been friends for a while, I actually prided myself on being a minimalist who loved color, who enjoys interior design. The joke was that can I be a minimalist and still have all the throw pillows? And I painted my kitchen cabinets a color, right? And so I kind of prided myself on making minimalism look cozy and approachable and not cold and sterile. But now I found myself in a season where I really can't handle the stuff around me and even decor and throw pillows has registered as clutter to me. And so today I want to talk about how I'm using minimalism to heal my nervous system. Minimalism has been a tool for me over the last 10 years, and it's done different things for me and different seasons. And this isn't actually something that I saw coming. I really thought I was coping well over the last handful of years. I never would have considered myself in a survival mode. I even had a couple of therapists like, I was like, I'm good, I'm good. If we could just get this relational stuff figured out, like the rest of my life, I'm living a dream right now. I'm good. And they were just kind of like, okay. And it's almost like they knew the crash was coming. I didn't see the crash coming. I thought when I moved into my parents' house a couple of years ago and kind of got to safety and some of these pressures were relieved, I thought, Hey, this is awesome. My bandwidth is going to increase even more and I did not anticipate the crash that followed. So today I do want to talk about how I'm using minimalism to heal my nervous system, what that looks like and why maybe your stuff is stressing you out more than you even realize, especially if you've come through a really difficult season. Well, hello. It is so good to see you today. I really appreciate you and enjoy getting to have these conversations with you. I don't ever want to imply that I have it all figured out. I just more want to share my experiences. And if there's something in there that's helpful to you too, please take it. And if on the other hand, if you're like, it's too far, it's too weird. Totally fine. If you are living harmoniously with your stuff, keep doing what you're doing. Right. But if you feel like there's this underlying agitation and anxiety and stress, like you're always behind, like you can never get on top. That home is not a safe, peaceful place to be. Then maybe we can work on unraveling this together. So I've been a minimalist for 10 years. Over the last 10 years, I've gotten rid of 95% of my stuff. I don't miss any of it. And early on, what minimalism allowed me to do was to be a mom to four little kids and also get to pursue things that I loved. In the beginning it was graphic design. It was blogging, marketing stuff. And then it evolved into a YouTube channel and getting to talk about minimalism and sharing this passion of mine now. And so I really feel like in a lot of ways of minimalism enabled me to do it all. And our culture rewards hyperactivity. When I look back now, I'm like, Oh, I was just coping. Like I was coping so hard. Because I found something that gave me fulfillment, that lit me up, that I really enjoyed and where people were telling me I was doing a good job and they liked what I was doing. They liked me, they liked my ideas. And so now when I look back on that season, I can see how I was in hyperactivity and it was rewarded though, right? They were like, wow, look at all you're doing. How do you do it all with all this? I'm like, I don't know. I guess it's minimalism, right? And minimalism was a big part of it. But it was also that, and maybe you've experienced this, that like, I can't stop. Like if I stop, everything catches up with me. So just keep going and then it doesn't seem so bad. And so this idea of minimalism in our nervous system, when we talk about the nervous system, I think it's really helpful to think of it like a thermostat. So ideally our nervous system just wants to keep us cool and comfortable at 70 degrees, no matter what it's doing outside. It's like, Hey, we got you. 70 degrees. And that represents being level-headed, present, able to make good decisions. But sometimes when the storms are really raging around us, the thermostat gets kicked up and we get kicked into hyperactivity. And this can feel comforting to us because if you are going through a difficult season and maybe you have experienced this, sometimes the just being in motion and doing physically productive things gives you a sense of being in control and that, yeah, there's this really hard crappy stuff going on, but look, I'm doing it and I'm doing things that are good and productive. So it can't be that bad. And it's a way for us to cope, to get through. And many of us can do it for a long time, right? But then often there gets to be a point where our body is like, I can't do this anymore. And for me, that was a little over two years ago. We had separated and we were taking it to another level of, I was going to move in with my parents and I did not see this crash coming because I really thought, you know, I'm, I'm getting a break now. I'm getting to a place where I can fully let my guard down. My parents are so cool. My brother was there. They are, they are safe, supportive. I mean, I just got to come home and be taken care of, which is such a gift. And I know not everyone has that option, but I got there. And then what happened was the days I didn't have the kids, I crashed hard. I remember trying to work and just looking at my computer screen and being like, I literally cannot make sense of the words, like trying to type an email and be like, I don't know what I'm trying to say. And so it'd be the middle of the afternoon. I would just go crawl into bed and I would read fiction. I would take a nap, but I would check out. And so sometimes then when the thermostat has been running wide open for too long, it goes the other way. And it says, we can't do this anymore. It's impossible. It's physically impossible to keep up this pace. And we get foggy brain. We lack physical energy, emotional energy. It's hard to concentrate. Even little things feel like a big thing to us. It was, oh, I just empathize. I know also, like I think many of us can relate to both sides of this, right? And it's like, what's wrong with me? Now I'll talk about this more throughout the video, but through the course of all of this, my bedroom really did become my safe space, especially when I couldn't control the inventory in the rest of the house. So you don't actually have to have your house fully decluttered to create a space where you can fully rest and recharge. And today's video is sponsored by Helix Sleep. And I think part of what helped me to feel safe and comforted in my bedroom was actually having a good mattress because it communicated to me that I was worthy of it. I was deserving of it. And I think you're worthy and deserving of it too. When we're sleeping on an old worn out mattress, when we're tossing and turning, we don't get that sense of getting to rest and recharge. And so we all know if you aren't getting a great night's sleep, it is very hard to be emotionally level, to be able to navigate all of these things that we're feeling and to be able to regulate our nervous system. Plus Helix makes it so easy. So Helix Sleep makes premium mattresses that are customized to fit your needs and can be delivered right to your door. Shipping is completely free in the US. And while they have over 20 mattresses to choose from, to make sure you get the one that's just right for you, they actually make it really easy. You just go online and take their sleep quiz. It only takes about a minute and they're just going to ask you a few questions about your sleep. Like what position do you normally sleep in? Do you ever wake up with back pain? Do you ever run warm at night? They have their Glacier cooling tech cover to help you keep you cool and comfortable during the night. So you take the quiz. They'll let you know what just the right mattress is for you. For me, I'm a side and stomach sleeper. I like my mattress just a little more firm and I was matched with the Helix Dusk. And you also get a 120 night sleep trial. So you get to test it out for over three months and make sure that it's just the right fit for you. But I think what you're really going to find is once you get that old mattress out, let it go with all the old memories, feelings, thoughts attached to it, get it out, get a new one in, take good care of yourself. Your whole room is really going to start to come together and it's gonna be easier to prioritize yourself and your rest and your sleep and your comfort. It's actually kind of strange what a big impact a new mattress can make. And I think you are very deserving of it. And right now is an awesome time to upgrade with their 4th of July sale going on where you can save 20% off sitewide. So whether you want to fully upgrade to a new mattress or check out one of their premium mattress toppers, just go to helixsleep.com slash minimal mom and you're going to save 20% and then we're all going to get a really great night's sleep. And so what do I do? I'm like, I'm going back to school to get my master's in psychology because like I don't know what's going on right now. And so I did and it was super helpful and I know better now what our nervous system is trying to do and what hyper arousal looks like when we're just hyperactivity and just trying to cope that way. And I also know what hypo arousal feels like now when you just feel numb, disconnected, like apathetic, who cares, right? The hard part is our culture actually rewards hyperactivity, right? But not the hypo arousal where we crash. And so that was where I spent the last couple of years, right? And then as I started pulling out of it and you know, I'm really grateful because it was important to me that I did continue to do YouTube videos and share about my life and even doing decluttering in my mom's house, right? And my membership community kept me going too, because I like, no matter what, I was determined to continue to show up for them. And the days I had the kids, I was like, okay, whatever I gotta do, right? But it was hard. It was so hard and they watched way more TV and ate way more macaroni and cheese than I would ever like to admit, right? And it just, it is what it is. So the last couple of years as I've pulled out of that, recognized what was going on. And then now in the last few months getting to move into my own house and kind of start over again and be like, what does this look like for me? What does minimalism look like for me now? I've just been resetting, but what has surprised me is how I am still so sensitive to clutter and stuff. And I know the reason because when anything is sitting out on your flat surfaces, it is signaling to your brain that it's not done, that it's incomplete, that there is something that you need to do with it. And so because I've gotten to live in different homes now and experience this in different ways, I recognize it now. I like, I can, I can see how, oh, stuff sitting out on flat surfaces is actually very unsettling. To me. And I know now it is because it's signaling something that's incomplete or unfinished. And even things like decor, things that I honestly thought after a few months that I would want to be bringing things back in. I love home decor, that I would be wanting to put stuff on the walls and, and do more. And I'm still just in a season where it reads clutter to me. It reads something you have to do, something that you have to take care of, something that you have to decide about. And so that's why I'm even surprising myself that I've wanted to continue to live this simply and this minimally for this many months now. But I'm also really enjoying the benefits. My house is so easy. And I shared more recently too, we hosted my dad's birthday party and we got the house ready in 10 minutes. And so while I understand that this level of minimalism is not for everyone, I totally respect that. I, I fully understand that. What I'm hoping to communicate today is that it's all trade-offs. So anything that comes into my home now, I have to take care of. It does take a little piece of my bandwidth. And even if it is things that I enjoy, I do have flowers on my porch now. I love it. I enjoy them, but I have to water them and I have to deadhead them and take care of them. It is asking something of me, but I'm choosing that right now. And it's, and I like it and it's enjoyable, but the rest of my house, oh, I, I'm choosing not to bring stuff in here. And so when we can really look at the stuff around us and ask ourselves, does this fit with my season of life? Is it asking too much of me right now? And would it feel better if I was able to move more of this stuff out? And then from there, if you are recognizing, wow, maybe I am trying to maintain too much stuff for this current season of life that I'm in right now, with the amount of emotional energy, I've talked about that now since moving in, maybe this stuff has exceeded my bandwidth to manage it. I want to give you permission to let that stuff go. Now, what's the problem? When we're feeling overdrawn, overwhelmed, stressed out, anxious, now to take on decluttering, that's making a thousand decisions. And so that's why you'll notice I have been sharing more recently tactics for decluttering when you have low bandwidth, when you have low energy. And that's why I talk about time with hell bins and crap baskets because I fully resonate with where you're at. And I do want to be able to help you to make quick decisions so you can move large amounts of stuff out with it requiring as little physical energy and emotional bandwidth as possible. And that's also why I talk about my membership community all the time, because it can be really helpful to join a community of women who also say, yeah, we get it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, right? You don't join a membership community like that. If you've got all your crap together and you know how to declutter your house, and you have all the time and energy to do so, right? No. It's all of us coming together and saying like, I know I have so much of value. I know I need to declutter my house. I have value for that. But I keep bumping up against these limitations of time and energy. How can I do it more quickly? And then we say, oh, we know exactly how to do that. Right? So I'll link to some of my more recent videos about that. And we would love to have you join our membership community as well. But we do have tools for being able to make these decluttering decisions, even when you are low on energy and bandwidth. But something that we bump up against and what makes the decluttering hard is that stuff can also bring a sense of safety. So for many, when you see a kitchen that's almost empty and a pantry that has very low inventory, it can trigger things like, that's not safe. That's lack. That's scarcity. And so we sometimes have to grapple with that a little bit because I think stuff brings a false sense of safety. We think if I have extra food and extra blankets and extra craft supplies, I don't know that then I am prepared for whatever comes, but that's not actually what your brain is equating with safety right now. Especially if you are, if your thermostat is stuck open or has gotten turned down, what you actually need is safety in the form of people and community. Because if all hell breaks loose in your life, it's not having a stockpile of food that's going to save you. It's knowing that you have people that you can count on. So we often equate stuff when safety, when it's actually community and knowing the people around us. That's a big mindset shift. And also sometimes, depending on what kind of season we've come through, people aren't safe. I can resonate with that 1000%, right? And so it's much easier to stockpile stuff and keep stuff for just in case than to realize what we actually need and to be able to grapple with and heal from some of these things. And so I can share with you a little bit what has been most helpful for me. So again, if we haven't spent a lot of time together, I got divorced a year and a half ago. We've been separated for a couple of years before that. And it was, I mean, it was 16 years of difficult relationship dynamics while also trying to raise four little kids and move onto this farm that needed a lot of work and work full time and all of that. And so it was a lot that was going on. But what's been the most helpful to me coming through that is living in a highly simplified environment, finding community and people that got it. I'll tell you where I found that because it wasn't necessarily in my natural context. And walking. Walking has also been a huge thing for me. And so first environment. So even when I was living at my parents' house, they have a little more inventory than what I would have preferred in that season. So it just became very important to me to keep my bedroom very decluttered and simplified. And so if I ever started feeling overwhelmed or overdrawn, then I could go to my bedroom and take a nap. And that was just kind of a safe place to get away to. I also found a community, most of it was online. And so I've shared before Natalie Hoffman and Flying Free. And so she has an incredible online community that just helped me to learn, to understand what was going on, what I was experiencing. And so that was worth its weight in gold. So no matter what you might be navigating, whether it's difficult relationships, parenting things that are really tough right now, caring for aging parents and family members, there's online groups for all of that. And so never estimate the power of surrounding yourself with people who understand what you're going through. Actually, David Kessler too, his website is grief.com. He has tons of different grief groups and support groups for different things that you might be going through as well. So I feel so fortunate that we live in a time right now where there are so many incredible resources out there that we can do virtually. I mean, how for all the negatives of the internet and everything, how cool that we can find people who understand what it is that we're going through. And then for me walking, what I love about walking is it doesn't require any memberships or equipment, but walking was definitely a way that helped me to regulate my nervous system. When I would be feeling stressed, overwhelmed, kind of amped up, then I'd be like, all right, I got to go for a walk and sometimes I'd walk not listening to anything. Sometimes I'd talk to my sister while I'm walking. Sometimes I'd listen to a podcast and whatever I needed to for that day. But there was days where I would walk for up to two hours because again, I felt no energy, no mental clarity for doing work. And so I'm like, okay, I just got to go do something. But there is something about getting in nature. And I learned this through the book, Take Your Life Back. And the author talked about how nature is so steady. It does the same thing every day and every season and every year. And there is something about getting around something like that, that is actually very healing to us. It helps us to put everything that's going on into perspective. And so walking was a lifeline for me. And then I also was able to get away. I've shared those little cabins that I went to. And I did do a lot of journaling, writing. It kind of just took on the form of me writing out my story from the previous 16 years. I didn't necessarily anticipate that. And I don't see myself as a writer at all, but there was something very therapeutic about writing out my story and what I had gone through and been through that was helpful. Now, I would often have to take breaks from it. And it was to the point too where there was one specific cabin where I wrote the bulk of it. I'm like, I never want to go back to that cabin again. Any of the other ones they have there. But again, I know that's not possible for everyone, but there was something about being able just to kind of like get away, get it all out. It was stuff, you know, that I had been hiding and containing and just trying to like gloss over for so long. So to be able to like intentionally take a little time to do that was really powerful for me. And it's, you know, one of those things you gotta be ready for. And I think there is wisdom in knowing how much to process at a time. But that was also really helpful for me too. And so I don't know, you know, we all go through really hard life stuff. Like none of us will get to escape that in life, but I do think minimalism helps to make it a little bit easier to navigate. When my house feels easy, when I don't feel like there's a thousand things yelling at me and competing for my attention, when I really can have a space where I can come home and just relax, let my guard down, reset. I mean, this is what I've always wanted in a home for it just to feel safe. When the kids come and get back home, that it's a place where they can feel safe. And I'm really grateful for it too, because I do feel like it's helped me to be able to be present with them and to help them navigate this too. I mean, obviously when I was deciding like, what do I do? Stay, leave, whatever. I mean, the kids were the number one consideration. How does this impact them and their world too? And so it's been important to me that I can be present with them when I'm with them. And again, if we're in a noisy house, that's just mocking us, telling us we suck at life, we suck at housekeeping, all these things that we're behind on, it's hard then also to be present with our kids and our family. And so again, I understand, like I understand my house looks a little extreme right now, but it's what I need right now in this season. Will it look like this forever? Probably not. Do I know how long that'll be? No, I really don't right now, but right now it's easy. And when I have asked the kids too, they don't mind it at all. They can keep their rooms how they want to. We have kind of a spectrum right now of how their bedrooms, they can keep things that are important to them in their treasures, in their bedrooms. I pretty much let them keep their rooms how they want. I do like for them to keep the floors picked up, but they have their spaces where they can keep their stuff. And then when it comes to the living spaces, they say they're totally fine with how it is right now. And so I do take into consideration what it is that they want. Actually, I think they're really enjoying, especially now that we're into summer that it is so easy to take care of and to clean up that they don't have to spend a lot of time doing chores and helping. So I think they really see for them, the benefits of how simple it is right now outweigh maybe any lack of feeling cozy or homey. So they're okay with it too. But I do check in with them from time to time. And I would love to help you declutter. I understand you may not want to go this far. You can stop whenever you want to, but I hope you can look at your stuff a little more objectively and say, what is it asking of me? How is it nagging me? What is it saying about me that I'm internalizing without even realizing it? And I want to give you permission to let this stuff go. I said this in my last video, but I think we've been taking all of this stuff, this physical stuff too seriously. And when we look at the big picture, all of it is pretty inconsequential. And so I think it's worth you doing whatever you have to do to move out large amounts of stuff so that you can have a home that is peaceful and that supports you and your family, no matter what kind of season that you're in right now. And I would really like that for you. So today was more about the why, why do I live so simply right now? But I do have lots of videos about the how, how to declutter quickly. So I'm going to link those here and I hope you subscribe so that we can spend more time together. I love you. I hope you have a really good day and I'll see you again soon.