Imagine Being Married To Donald Trump | Lynne Koplitz

For those interested, where are my little youngies? Where are the little really young, the 22s? Where are you? There they are. Menopause is when Mother Nature tells you that your leaves are brown. She's very clear. She's like, you don't have to die, but we don't need you. You can flourish, you can wither. It's all on you. No one's gonna water you on the regular. That's what I'm trying to say. I called my friend the other day, because she knew I was getting ready for this, and she's like, I want you to go to my stylist. I want you to be stop-traffic gorgeous for this. It's showtime. And I was like, okay, you know I'm 51 years old. I'm not stopping traffic unless I throw myself in front of a bus. I'm sorry. I mean, it's just real. I'm not stopping traffic. 51, I mean, I might slow down a walker. Look at my young girls. Are you enjoying life? It's never gonna get ******* better than it is right now. Where are my other youngies? Let me see you. Oh, look at this little one. That's a little white girl, too. Yes, because white girls, we age like bananas. Let me tell you, can I tell you what life's gonna get like? Really quickly, since it's women of a certain age, and this is what you came for, was information and laughs. So, listen to Auntie Lynn, okay? I don't have children, but I'm a bit of a prophet. Like, not in a Jesus way, but like a Simon and Garfunkel way. Right now, and I say white girl, because women of color don't age like we do. Like, it's in a total ******* different thing. I mean, look at Oprah. She looks exactly like I did when I was 13. Like, she does. She looks perfect, and I'm drastically different than when I was 13. So, now, right now, you're on the lovely, like, young white girl road. It's smooth. I know, you don't even need two hands. You just use one hand, and you cruise. You wave to people. All the exits are free. You know, free drinks, free food, free, free, free, free, free. All the streets are lined with trees full of possibilities. You pull over. Your girlfriend jumps out, shakes the tree. Oh, look! And you go off. Now, listen. Focus. We don't have a lot of time. When you hit your 30s, it's going to be very, what's going to happen is you're going to pull over, and it's going to be like, boom, when you get off at exit 30. Like, boom, what the ****? Then it's going to smooth out again, and then all the exits are going to change. Every single exit is going to be like, have a baby, have a baby now, have a baby in a little while, have a boy baby, have a girl baby, have a baby with a partner, have a baby by yourself, steal a baby, snatch a baby. When you're about 38, you'll see, like, the last one says, **** a baby, and you just, you go off, and you're like, boom, boom, boom, boom. 40s are nothing but just off-road, you're just like, what's happening? Shit flying off the car, you're on the phone, I don't know, shiny, do I need it? And my mother saw this, and she goes, just wait till you hit your 50s, it gets smooth again. I was like, what? She was right. It does, doesn't it? You hit your 50s, and it's, you know why? Because now you're just, you are what you are. You're just riding on rims. Yeah, I can give you a ride, but you're gonna have to, like, crawl in, because that hasn't worked since 48. You know what I've been thinking about a lot? Look, can we just take it down for a minute? I've been thinking a lot about Melania, like, I really think about her. By the way, before we start this, you should know, I'm not married, I'm what men in Texas call a handful. Men in New York don't really call me anything, they just look a little terrified. This is true, okay? I saw a guy, we'll go back in a minute to Melania, don't forget. I saw, I was in Times Square a couple months ago, and I saw a guy I dated, like, 15 years ago, and we just caught eyes, one of those weird New York serendipitous moments. Across, like, midtown traffic, we caught each other's eye, and the minute he saw me, no lie, he went. And quickened his step, and I was like, yeah, go run, pussy, run! Okay, fast. This is why I think about Melania, this is why I think about Melania Trump. Because first of all, God bless her, she did not buy on for this. She didn't think he was gonna be the president. We didn't think he was gonna be the president. She just happened, she just wanted to send some money back to Slovenia, I don't know this for sure, but I think, and listen, we need to be more empathetic, like, seriously, we have a lot of women here tonight, let's just be more empathetic for the country. Like, Melania blows him. That's right, well, somebody's gotta do it! Somebody, that's right, my girlfriend was like, how would you blow Donald Trump? I'm like, with all your jewelry on, every ******* bit of it. Kneeling in uncut diamonds, your arms are heavy from all the tennis bracelets, you've got huge rings, you're wearing, like, two Miss Universe crowns, and you just can't look up, that's what you can't do, you can't look up and see, because he's got that resting dick face all the time, like, you know this sex face isn't a lot better. And he probably wants her to say things that aren't true, because I've been with a lot of men, I'm sure it's, like, you know, she's supposed to say, like, Donald, **** me with your big black cock, please. You know he does stuff like that. I dress like this really, you want to know something, though? You know, in the fifties, all we had to do was make breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and avoid a beating. That's the America we're trying to get back to, by the way. And then somebody stood up and said, we should work, and I was like, thank you, Gloria, sit down. And before I go, can I say this? It's just us, and people at home. There was a time, girls, when we couldn't vote or read. We couldn't vote or read, do you know that? How great does it sound? It's a little great. Think about it, we wouldn't be responsible for anything happening in the government right now. We would just be quilting with the girls. These men are making some poor decisions, aren't they? Don't tell anybody what I said, I don't want to get beat. My roast is ready, I gotta go. Thank you!